Air my grievances first or just fade?

[Back_Again]

Believe me OP, I totally get what you're saying and I agree with you, but I need to present the other side of the picture. Early in my dating, when my kids were young, I had to stop. I was in an abusive relationship, so when I got divorced, my children were really young. I wasn't going to hire a babysitter and go out with the boyfriend (date) on my divided time with my children. I was going to spend time with my children. I also had to work full time, school, homework, laundry, shopping, dinner, lunches, making sure everyone was bathed, backpacks ready, errands and obligations. I had few free days where I could just lounge and be lazy, and I couldn't do that because I had to date. Kids are at their dad's, time to date, and I had no capacity to grow and care for another person, take on their trials, and dating started to feel like a job, another obligation, something else I had to do, someone else I had to care for...so I stopped.

 

If this teenager requires a ton of attention, can't be unsupervised, involved in a lot of extracurricular activities that involve parental involvement...he has to deal with this. Mom was dealing with it before, and it wasn't working. Now he has to pick up the slack, and he hasn't been highly involved in the past, so this is all new to him. (I judge him on that...where has he been?)

 

Yeah, hanging out with you should be easy and a breath of fresh air, but relationships take work, and this man's world is on its rocker and turned upside down...it seems...and you are work. It may not be this fluffy rainbow of retreat for him you think it should be.

 

I'm still in the camp he's kind of done with this relationship, whether it's another woman or life circumstances, but at the same time, if he wants you, he'll make a change, but you do have to express your needs and discuss it and hopefully reach a compromise. Still, for you, you're going to have to decide if this is going to work for you, the time, the loss of time, how long to be patient before he incorporates you into his family unit, etc. This child is in his life forever.

 

As far as I know, the girl is just a normal teen, not a troubled kid who needs constant supervision... so there should be no reason why he couldn't leave her alone or with her friends for a few hours while we meet - or at least call me.

 

You are bringing up an interesting point of view - that if he is indeed a bit overwhelmed with this new situation, he may just not be in the mood to keep a relationship going, hence him asking me for some space, for the time being. So I am giving him this space, at least until the hearing, and if nothing changes after that, I think I will be on my way, as much as I don't want to. This is not a relationship in any shape or form, the only contact we have is when he is at work, and zero in his free time. It just feels not right. Before this happened, I had noticed his calls were getting shorter but I chalked it up to there not being much to chat about, since we also texted in the morning every day.

 

I feel discarded of, and like he's just waiting for me to become fed up with the situation and end it myself.

 

Do you have any thoughts on how to approach the conversation next time I see him, whenever that will be? How do I best express my needs and hopefully have him realize that we need to reach a compromise?

Also, would it be best if I just ended things, instead of always being on the other side of the phone whenever he feels like contacting me, always available? Would he miss me and reconsider? Because I'm feeling taken for granted right now, like he knows that I'm not going anywhere no matter how little contact he has with me.

[elaine567]

I don't want out of the relationship.

 

That is the bottom line ^^^

You are thus twisting and turning, tying yourself in knots, making excuses for him in order for you to accept whatever he throws at you, you are not looking at this objectively.

You are determined to stay whatever happens...

It is a very bad place to be in, and usually a pretty miserable one too.

[Back_Again]

That is the bottom line ^^^

You are thus twisting and turning, tying yourself in knots, making excuses for him in order for you to accept whatever he throws at you, you are not looking at this objectively.

You are determined to stay whatever happens...

It is a very bad place to be in, and usually a pretty miserable one too.

 

Yes, absolutely!

 

PS - just to give a little insight into the kind of guy he is, this is how he was talking about his previous relationship at the point me and him reconnected (I have known him for many years, and dated him in the past). He was telling me that they barely saw each other, texted sometimes just to see when they could get together, and to use his words "if she was to end things right now, I couldn't care less". Back then, I thought it was because the woman was clearly not a good fit for him (based on many instances he had told me about when we were just friends), so I wasn't surprised he felt like that about her. But now I'm starting to see the same thing happening to me, and I wonder if maybe it was him to put the breaks on their relationship under a different reason, kept her as a FWB, while lining up his new girlfriend (me). Was he telling her stories while he was spending time with me, while letting me believe they were basically over? And is he doing the exact same thing to me now? I may be just paranoid, who knows anymore... but I just don't think this is the way any normal person would approach a situation such as the one he has found himself in, I still think he would pay a bit more attention to the person he was in a relationship with, and tried to reassure her somewhat :s

Edited November 4, 2017 by Back_Again

[gelite3]

Relationships are difficulty and having no real commitment makes them even more difficult. Communication is usually a sign of a good relationship. It sounds like there was some communication, but perhaps you need to have another conversation with him to express your concerns, needs, and expectations. It sounds like he gave you a way out, but perhaps you need to hear it again. Dating is a time to evaluate a person to determine if you really want to make a deeper commitment. Have you thought about taking time to step away from the relationship yourself to evaluate things more clearly? Some things to ask yourself are...Are you dependent on him and still there because you are fearful of being alone? Is what he is currently offering you acceptable to you? Is he communicating to you that he sees a future with you? Food for thought.

[SpecialJ]

If he has a daughter who needs him, he should be prioritizing her.

 

However, if she is a normal 16 year old, she's not going to want to be sitting at home with him every day and night. She's going to have friends and be starting a life of her own. She's going to have homework that he isn't going to do for her. She's not taking his time 24/7 (if she is, there are other issues). I personally moved out for college when I had just turned 17, so you can believe I wasn't totally dependent on my parents and was going out with my friends who had cars when I was 16.

 

But the bigger issue here is you settling for someone who puts your needs so very far below his. He's dictating this entire relationship at this point and telling you to take it or leave it. Does that meet any of your needs, or are you looking for a partner? What good do you get out of dating a man who isn't at all "altruistic"? What if you got sick and needed him to help take care of you?

 

Are you afraid of telling him what you want / need because you think he'll walk away? Do you feel deserving of someone who can provide a level of stability for you, who you can trust to be with you?

Edited November 4, 2017 by SpecialJ

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If it doesn't feel right, then it's not. We can speculate all day, why and what's happening, the fact is, the relationship is no longer fulfilling your expectations, so it's time go.

 

Exactly.

 

I have a 16 year old daughter. She is very nosy about what I'm doing, so if/when I date anyone, I don't talk on the phone when she's here if she's awake. She goes to bed quite early on school nights (or, she did until she got a boyfriend) so I would do it then. I just know she's weird about it, and that makes me feel weird about it, so I don't do it.

 

BUT, I only have my kids 50% of the time, so it's not quite the same since I have kid free nights to talk on the phone all I want.

 

I still don't, though, because I hate talking on the phone .

[Back_Again]

Some things to ask yourself are...Are you dependent on him and still there because you are fearful of being alone? Is what he is currently offering you acceptable to you? Is he communicating to you that he sees a future with you? Food for thought.

 

When I take a step back and genuinely answer these questions, I wonder if I should have my head examined...because the answers are: yes, I am not looking forward to being alone again (I'll explain this later), no, what he is currently offering is absolutely not acceptable to me (what he was offering before all this happened wasn't all that great either), and no, he is not communicating that he sees a future with me, in fact quite the opposite. He has told me years ago that he never wanted to live with a woman and/or get married again, and I believe him. It was ok with me, because I don't really want any of that either, I am happy with my own living arrangements and life in general, so this was never an issue.

 

The thing is, ever since I met him, some 10 years ago now, he has been the only man I wanted to be with, I can't even really explain why. We dated in the past, he was horrible as a partner, pushed me away constantly, we broke up...then reconnected years later, stayed friends for a while then started this relationship. During the 6 years "break", I had no interest in dating anyone else, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I just didn't like anyone else, as much as I tried. When we reconnected, I was so happy, like we were meant to be. However, while he was eons better than in the past, he was always on the cold side even this time around, and there were lies here and there I caught him in, and I have had suspicions about him potentially seeing someone else at the same time as me. I never knew anything for sure though, so it could have been my own paranoia, given our past.

This is why I am reluctant to let go. I know for a fact that I won't be able to like anyone else going forward. I have no interest in ever meeting anyone else either. So if I let go of him, yes I will be alone.

[Back_Again]

But the bigger issue here is you settling for someone who puts your needs so very far below his. He's dictating this entire relationship at this point and telling you to take it or leave it. Does that meet any of your needs, or are you looking for a partner? What good do you get out of dating a man who isn't at all "altruistic"? What if you got sick and needed him to help take care of you?

 

Are you afraid of telling him what you want / need because you think he'll walk away? Do you feel deserving of someone who can provide a level of stability for you, who you can trust to be with you?

 

He's always dictated the relationship, to be honest. But since he was in touch every day and seeing each other relatively often (not as often as I would have liked but whatever...), I was ok with it. Now, not so much. Yesterday (Saturday) he didn't contact me at all, not even by text, and probably the same will happen today, I won't hear from him until he texts me from work Monday morning. Am I happy about it? No... what kind of relationship is this?

To answer your question, no, he would never help me if I got sick. He'd leave. Same if I was to gain some weight, he already told me, and this doesn't only apply to me, but to any woman he may be dating.

And yes, I really think if I was to tell him what I want/need at this point he would walk away - he already told me I was free to go if I wasn't ok with how things are, for the time being. His motivation is that he just doesn't have the time to deal with this right now.

 

There is no stability with him, and there will never be. And yet, for the reasons I gave to the poster above, I feel unable to end it. Unfortunately, I think he will do it for me very soon, because I just don't see this situation ever improving. After all, if I stick around and accept this minimal level of communication, why would he step it up and give me what I used to have?

[Zahara]

He's always dictated the relationship, to be honest. But since he was in touch every day and seeing each other relatively often (not as often as I would have liked but whatever...), I was ok with it. Now, not so much. Yesterday (Saturday) he didn't contact me at all, not even by text, and probably the same will happen today, I won't hear from him until he texts me from work Monday morning. Am I happy about it? No... what kind of relationship is this?

To answer your question, no, he would never help me if I got sick. He'd leave. Same if I was to gain some weight, he already told me, and this doesn't only apply to me, but to any woman he may be dating.

And yes, I really think if I was to tell him what I want/need at this point he would walk away - he already told me I was free to go if I wasn't ok with how things are, for the time being. His motivation is that he just doesn't have the time to deal with this right now.

 

There is no stability with him, and there will never be. And yet, for the reasons I gave to the poster above, I feel unable to end it. Unfortunately, I think he will do it for me very soon, because I just don't see this situation ever improving. After all, if I stick around and accept this minimal level of communication, why would he step it up and give me what I used to have?

 

Years ago, I was in a similar relationship to yours and I chose to stay. It wasn't because I truly loved the man or valued the relationship. I chose to stay because I was petrified of being alone and I saw so little value/worth in myself that I settled for just about any bit of validation/attention I could get from him.

 

You're right. He's not going to give you want you want when you've taught him that you require minimal effort to maintain. If anything they lose all respect for us. Once that happens, it's over.

 

And when someone tells you that they're fine with you leaving and seeking a new partner, that's their subtle and indirect way of telling you they don't want to be with you anymore. They're hoping that you take the hint and pull the plug. Since you're not doing it, he's putting up barriers to keep you away.

Edited November 5, 2017 by Zahara

[Back_Again]

You're right. He's not going to give you want you want when you've taught him that you require minimal effort to maintain. If anything they lose all respect for us. Once that happens, it's over.

 

And when someone tells you that they're fine with you leaving and seeking a new partner, that's their subtle and indirect way of telling you they don't want to be with you anymore. They're hoping that you take the hint and pull the plug. Since you're not doing it, he's putting up barriers to keep you away.

 

Do you think the fact that he has blamed this daughter situation for the distance/changes makes any difference? What I mean is, this change didn't happen without a reason (be it real or fictional), in which case I'd say without a doubt that he's lost interest and the relationship is done, the change apparently has a good reason (daughter moving in) and the situation is bound to change for the better according to him, once the custody and visitation days are in place.

 

I realize him telling me I am free to move on doesn't bode well for the future, but according to him he said it with my best interest at heart, since he knows I want more from a relationship than he can give me for the time being (no kidding!).

 

I have too wondered if he was hoping I'd bail when I heard the new terms of the relationship, and is now doing his best to get me fed up and pull the plug without him having to look like the 'bad guy'. But then why give me hope that after the visitation is set, we will be able to spend together some weekends? It's all confusing to me...

 

I was thinking of sticking it out until the custody hearing, and see if anything changes after that. I don't think the calling situation will change, because the girl is still going to be there most days.

 

Anyway, any ideas as to how to approach this with him? How to make him understand that he needs to compromise a bit, and not make me feel rejected and unwanted? And can I bring up the fact that our situation is now identical to the one he was in with his ex, when he was still technically with her but getting close to me at the same time? He usually has a very short fuse for these types of questions, because according to him I should just trust him, but how can I, when I remember clearly that he was still having sex with her while we were getting together, talking on the phone every day and making out every time we saw each other? According to him, he wasn't cheating on her because they were only seeing each other once in a blue moon and the relationship was dying, but in my books that was plain cheating and I chose to put the blinders on because I was so much into him...

Edited November 5, 2017 by Back_Again

[OatsAndHall]

I don't fully trust him (long story behind that), but I don't want out of the relationship.

This is what he tells me - that he is stressed out because of the sudden change and is trying to put some order back into his life, which will happen after the custody hearing is over. He says there is nobody else.

But still, is being stressed out a good enough reason not to call your girlfriend at least some nights, if not every night as before? It's not like avoiding me and hanging out with me will ease his stress, on the contrary, it should make him feel more relaxed!

 

No, I don't think it's an excuse to avoid talking to you. And, you are correct, he should feel more at ease with talking to you. However, he may be pulling away if he feels pressured about the whole thing. He's not only trying to be a single parent, he's also dealing with a custody hearing and those are never pleasant.

 

In my last serious relationship, I was working fifty hours per week, trying to finish my masters degree, and I was coaching. I was beyond stressed out but I still spent my free time with my girlfriend or talking to her on the phone/texting. But, one night, I was coaching and didn't have my phone out for obvious reasons. I had spent that whole morning talking to her but I had to put my phone away while I was coaching that night. I told her I would text her when the games were done but she continued to text me while I was coaching. She was upset that I wasn't talking to her and one of the texts stated "I bet other coaches check their phones during games.."

 

That text was all it took for me to start pulling away. Just the thought of having to respond and explain to her (again) that the phone went away during games made me angry. So, I just sent her a text saying "I'm done with the games, going home and going to bed. Good night." I turned my phone off and called it a night. I wasn't going to have a discussion with her about it.

 

I'm not accusing you of acting like my ex but I suggest you take a step back and see how you are communicating with him at this point. He will probably just pull away further if the communication is confrontational.

 

Some folks reach out and look to others for comfort when life is stressing them out. Others look to remove aspects of their lives that they feel are causing them more stress. I know that I certainly fall in the second category.

[OatsAndHall]

He's always dictated the relationship, to be honest. But since he was in touch every day and seeing each other relatively often (not as often as I would have liked but whatever...), I was ok with it. Now, not so much. Yesterday (Saturday) he didn't contact me at all, not even by text, and probably the same will happen today, I won't hear from him until he texts me from work Monday morning. Am I happy about it? No... what kind of relationship is this?

To answer your question, no, he would never help me if I got sick. He'd leave. Same if I was to gain some weight, he already told me, and this doesn't only apply to me, but to any woman he may be dating.

And yes, I really think if I was to tell him what I want/need at this point he would walk away - he already told me I was free to go if I wasn't ok with how things are, for the time being. His motivation is that he just doesn't have the time to deal with this right now.

 

There is no stability with him, and there will never be. And yet, for the reasons I gave to the poster above, I feel unable to end it. Unfortunately, I think he will do it for me very soon, because I just don't see this situation ever improving. After all, if I stick around and accept this minimal level of communication, why would he step it up and give me what I used to have?

 

I should have read some of your responses before writing my last post.

 

Obviously, you are unhappy with this relationship and you have been for a long time. I suggest you sit down and do some self-reflection on why you are staying in this relationship as doesn't seem to be a positive aspect of your life at this point.

[Back_Again]

 

I'm not accusing you of acting like my ex but I suggest you take a step back and see how you are communicating with him at this point. He will probably just pull away further if the communication is confrontational.

 

Some folks reach out and look to others for comfort when life is stressing them out. Others look to remove aspects of their lives that they feel are causing them more stress. I know that I certainly fall in the second category.

 

According to him, he is like that too, when faced with life stresses he prefers not to lean on anybody and just deal with it on his own, even if that means cutting down communication with others. He said none of this had anything to do with me, or him not being happy with the relationship, it's just the stress that has been newly imposed on him, and him having to make adjustments in his life to deal with it.

 

I am doing my best to take what he said at face value, and give him the space he seems to need, even if lots of things don't make much sense to me. Until he has the hearing, I plan on stepping way back and not bringing up his lack of contact (although part of me wants to point out to him that it is not normal for an older guy not to be able to go in his own room and chat for 10 minutes with his girlfriend).

And if nothing changes after the hearing, then I will have to end it.

 

Does that sound like a good plan?

[Back_Again]

I should have read some of your responses before writing my last post.

 

Obviously, you are unhappy with this relationship and you have been for a long time. I suggest you sit down and do some self-reflection on why you are staying in this relationship as doesn't seem to be a positive aspect of your life at this point.

 

It is not positive right now, of course, but it used to be nice, even if far from perfect. I am hoping once things settle down he will give me (almost) the relationship we had, but I am not really holding my breath...

IF there is another woman involved, then he will probably only come back if things fizzle out with her, and I would never know.

[Art_Critic]

Hey back Again, it doesn't matter if he is cheating and you can't prove it...

 

You aren't happy, the relationship has changed and you don't trust him and you smell a rat.. which I do as well...

 

Just break up with him, you are the other half of the relationship and if your needs aren't being met then it's time to reconsider what is happening..

[Art_Critic]

It is not positive right now, of course, but it used to be nice, even if far from perfect. I am hoping once things settle down he will give me (almost) the relationship we had, but I am not really holding my breath...

IF there is another woman involved, then he will probably only come back if things fizzle out with her, and I would never know.

 

In the end you are still not happy in this relationship and he isn't moving towards making you feel good in it.

 

You aren't a couple anymore

[LurkerXX]

OP, there are FWB situations that are warmer than this, for those that want to keep their living arrangements the same and all that. Or other boyfriends too that are happy with this. Maybe you should have someone help you examine why you are so stuck on this one person who seemingly does not like you.

 

You are little more than a FWB to him. When he says these things, about not wanting anything permanent with a woman again, BELIEVE him. There is no way to make this guy your one and only, because he clearly does not want that.

[MJJean]

To answer your question, no, he would never help me if I got sick. He'd leave. Same if I was to gain some weight, he already told me, and this doesn't only apply to me, but to any woman he may be dating.

 

And yes, I really think if I was to tell him what I want/need at this point he would walk away - he already told me I was free to go if I wasn't ok with how things are..<snip>

 

There is no stability with him, and there will never be.

 

He sounds like a completely selfish, self centered, ass. I can't understand why you'd want to be in any kind of relationship with this man at all. He seems less invested than a random FWB.

[Whodatdog]

Its painfully obvious to everyone (and you) that he isnt nearly as invested in this as you are. Its a little sad that you are willing to settle for crumbs. What will happen is that you will "stay" with him, even tho you have admitted there is no relationship, until he meets someone that he truly is interested in, and you will be dumped.

 

Do you have that little respect for yourself? Because if you do, you cant expect anyone else to respect you more than you respect yourself.

[Back_Again]

Its painfully obvious to everyone (and you) that he isnt nearly as invested in this as you are. Its a little sad that you are willing to settle for crumbs. What will happen is that you will "stay" with him, even tho you have admitted there is no relationship, until he meets someone that he truly is interested in, and you will be dumped.

 

Do you have that little respect for yourself? Because if you do, you cant expect anyone else to respect you more than you respect yourself.

 

It looks like it's unanimous, there is no chance for this to ever improve and I should just end it, because waiting it out cannot possibly lead to anything positive for me. And unfortunately, that's how I feel as well.

 

It kills me, remembering all the nice moments over the summer and all the places we went to and how amazing I felt, but I have decided to end this. It is the absolute last thing I want to do, and I know that I will never move on from this. I never really moved on the first time around, when we dated for a much shorter time and it wasn't half as good... But, it needs to be done I guess.

 

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to read all my posts and helping with your thoughts, they all pretty much echoed what I already knew but didn't want to admit to myself.

 

Now on to how to go about ending it, do I wait until I see him in person and do it then? Do I just not reply to his texts? He will text me "good morning" tomorrow, how do I handle that?

[MJJean]

Now on to how to go about ending it, do I wait until I see him in person and do it then? Do I just not reply to his texts? He will text me "good morning" tomorrow, how do I handle that?

 

I'd send him a text today/tonight. I'd tell him that you've realized you aren't compatible and are ending the relationship, that you wish him well, and ask that he not contact you so that you may begin healing. And the rest, as they say, is silence.

[Zahara]

There is no need to meet in person. He doesn't seem very invested or cares put in any effort therefore a text is fine. Tell him that you are not getting what you need from the relationship, and just as he suggested, you will need to end the relationship so that you can go out there and find what you deserve. Tell him to not contact you as you would like to move on and heal and wish him the best.

[Zahara]

I realize him telling me I am free to move on doesn't bode well for the future, but according to him he said it with my best interest at heart, since he knows I want more from a relationship than he can give me for the time being (no kidding!).

 

That in itself tells you that he can easily let you go. It speaks of how much he values you. A man that places you as a priority will find and make the time for you. It's nice that he has your best interest at heart but it doesn't change the fact that he is perfectly fine releasing you.

 

But then why give me hope that after the visitation is set, we will be able to spend together some weekends? It's all confusing to me...

 

Some guys do this to keep you on the backburner.

 

I was thinking of sticking it out until the custody hearing, and see if anything changes after that. I don't think the calling situation will change, because the girl is still going to be there most days.

 

When my boyfriend and I started dating (he has full custody of his kids - both teenagers) he'd call me when he was out running errands, or on his way home from work, when the kids were out playing with friends, when they were asleep, when he was able to step out on the patio while the kids were doing their own thing after dinner, he would call me when he was laying in bed, etc. There are many opportunities to speak on the phone. A 16 year old is not tied to his hip.

 

Anyway, any ideas as to how to approach this with him? How to make him understand that he needs to compromise a bit, and not make me feel rejected and unwanted? And can I bring up the fact that our situation is now identical to the one he was in with his ex, when he was still technically with her but getting close to me at the same time?

 

If he wanted to compromise, he wouldn't be telling you to move on to a relationship that can offer you more. And there is no use in bringing up the situation with the ex -- it will only annoy him more.

 

He usually has a very short fuse for these types of questions, because according to him I should just trust him, but how can I, when I remember clearly that he was still having sex with her while we were getting together, talking on the phone every day and making out every time we saw each other? According to him, he wasn't cheating on her because they were only seeing each other once in a blue moon and the relationship was dying, but in my books that was plain cheating and I chose to put the blinders on because I was so much into him...

 

Well, you chose to date a cheater. Usually the pattern repeats itself because he was taught that inappropriate behavior is acceptable and tolerated. What he did to her, he will and is doing to you. Most times, if they do it to the ex, they'll do it to you.

 

Aim higher next time. Have better and healthier boundaries as well as standards. When you see red flags, walk away.

[JuneL]

OP: What qualities do you think that make you so irrationally attracted to him? Is he super charming when you are together in person? Does he have the so-called bad boy trait? I think it's important to identify the underlying reason for your irrational attraction.

[SpecialJ]

I'd do it in person just because I want to respect the other person if it was more than just just a few casual dates. But I'm very anti using text for important communication. If you think seeing him will set you back, then a brief phone call will do.