Air my grievances first or just fade?

[Back_Again]

Things have gone really down in my relationship, in fact I don't think I have much of a relationship anymore.

To make a very long story short so I can get to my pressing question, I will just say that after a 5 months relationship, my boyfriend told me (I am not 100% convinced it's true, all I have is his word that has not always been truthful) that his teenage daughter, who used to live with her mother, suddenly decided to move in with him, and his time would be very limited. I figured it was ok, we could still see each other even if less, so I wanted to continue the relationship despite the difficulties, but it turns out that in addition to not seeing each other as much, he no longer calls me at night, the way he used to before she moved in.

 

Now, we are talking a 50 year old man living with his 16 year old daughter, I find it hard to believe that he cannot find 15 minutes every night to go in his room and give me a call. He says he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me when his daughter is so close (tiny apartment). Mind you, we never talked anything romantic over the phone, just general conversations.

 

This is starting to really affect me, because I'm starting to believe it's not a matter of "can't" call, but "won't".

In his defense, he does text me all morning up until about noon, then nothing until the next morning. And no, he is not living with another woman, I went to his apartment since the change (mind you, I saw no sign of a daughter living there either).

 

Anyway, things are weird and I am becoming suspicious there is another woman involved. Of course he denies it.

 

Should I first try to nicely bring up the lack of calls first, and see if he fixes the situation, or just fade on him?

[BluEyeL]

I think you should break up with him officially, and just tell him this isn't working for you. He should be OK with telling a 16 yo he is dating or talking to women.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with BluEyeL, I would just end this.

 

How long have you been dating? Does his daughter not know about you? I can understand it might be awkward to make the introductions, but given you saw no sign of her when you were there, I would be as suspicious as you are.

 

I also can't fathom why he's unable to call from his room or at least send a couple messages at night. I think you're right that someone is spending nights there, but likely isn't only the daughter.

 

Even if he is, for the sake argument, telling the truth - how sustainable is this situation for you? You don't see each other much or even talk all that frequently anymore. I would move on to someone who is ready and able to have a real relationship.

[chinadiary]

Run like hell.

 

It probably IS his daughter and she doesn't want him to have a girlfriend. She will manipulate him until it destroys your relationship.

 

I wish I'd done that 10 (yes, TEN) years ago.

[BluEyeL]

Yeah kids don't want the parents to have a relationship at first. You have to be firm and make it clear to them, albeit gently, that this is not negotiable and they have no say in it. Otherwise they'll try to manipulate.

 

I don't blame the kids but it is what it is and it's not their decision to make. He doesn't need to introduce you but he needs to be able to talk to you on the phone and tell the daughter he is dating.

 

My own son wasn't happy when I was dating but I made it very clear there is no choice and he has to accept it. Once he did everything was ok and him and his now step father have a great relationship.

 

 

Anyway don't fade tell him this isn't working you want more from this relationship, he isn't willing to treat you like a serious girlfriend not a dirty secret and thus you should both move on so you can find more compatible partners.

[BaileyB]

You should just tell him that it's not working for you, and wish him well. The slow fade is an immature thing to do.

[Whodatdog]

Are you sure he's not seeing someone else? He could be seeing someone else and spending time at her place.

 

Have you even seen the daughter at his place?

 

I smell a rat.

[smackie9]

If it doesn't feel right, then it's not. We can speculate all day, why and what's happening, the fact is, the relationship is no longer fulfilling your expectations, so it's time go.

[KBob]

Yes, bring it up with him, and if he's not willing to help the situation or he's being shady about it, then think about pulling the plug.

Edited November 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[soyou]

IMO, he's no longer interested in. When a man says that he wants to spend less time with you regardless of what situation he's in, it's a BAD SIGN!

 

I doubt that his daughter comes and lives with him. I highly suspect that he has another woman.

 

Even if his daughter lives with him, cutting off the communication in evenings doesnt sound right.

[Back_Again]

IMO, he's no longer interested in. When a man says that he wants to spend less time with you regardless of what situation he's in, it's a BAD SIGN!

 

I doubt that his daughter comes and lives with him. I highly suspect that he has another woman.

 

Even if his daughter lives with him, cutting off the communication in evenings doesnt sound right.

 

That's exactly how i feel, to be honest. But, I would like to have some sort of proof before ending things, and that is easier said than done.

 

His daughter has seen her mother dating other guys, so it wouldn't be something new for her.

On the other hand, he is a bit of a particular person, very private in general. He has only been getting his daughter once every 2 weeks for the past 16 years, so he says he is not all that comfortable with parenting. Still, I can't see why he can't give me a quick call in the evening.

 

I do suspect there is another woman involved, because frankly when I met him, he was in the exact same situation with someone else, minus the daughter. His description of that relationship was that it was dying, they'd only see each other once a month or every other week, barely talking... which is exactly what he's doing with me now! He eventually ended it with her (or so he said), to start a relationship with me. So I guess you can see why I worry the same thing is happening to me.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I smell rat, but I can't prove it. He did tell me that if this situation isn't working for me, he will understand if I want to leave, but I don't want to leave if everything he tells me is the truth. I can make it with less dates, if at least I can get my calls back. Because for all I know, I have so little contact with him right now that he could be fully in another relationship and I would know nothing about it!

 

Also, if he was interested in someone else, why would he still text me daily and seeing me when he says his daughter is out? And he is supposedly going to have a custody hearing soon, after which he says he will have at least 2 weekends per month free to spend with me... if there was another woman, wouldn't he want me to believe that all his weekends would be busy? He has also mentioned spending Christmas with me. Odd...

 

This sucks, but I don't want to give up until I know something for sure...

Edited November 3, 2017 by Back_Again

[Highndry]

That's exactly how i feel, to be honest. But, I would like to have some sort of proof before ending things, and that is easier said than done.

 

His daughter has seen her mother dating other guys, so it wouldn't be something new for her.

On the other hand, he is a bit of a particular person, very private in general. He has only been getting his daughter once every 2 weeks for the past 16 years, so he says he is not all that comfortable with parenting. Still, I can't see why he can't give me a quick call in the evening.

 

I do suspect there is another woman involved, because frankly when I met him, he was in the exact same situation with someone else, minus the daughter. His description of that relationship was that it was dying, they'd only see each other once a month or every other week, barely talking... which is exactly what he's doing with me now! He eventually ended it with her (or so he said), to start a relationship with me. So I guess you can see why I worry the same thing is happening to me.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I smell rat, but I can't prove it. He did tell me that if this situation isn't working for me, he will understand if I want to leave, but I don't want to leave if everything he tells me is the truth. I can make it with less dates, if at least I can get my calls back. Because for all I know, I have so little contact with him right now that he could be fully in another relationship and I would know nothing about it!

 

Also, if he was interested in someone else, why would he still text me daily and seeing me when he says his daughter is out? And he is supposedly going to have a custody hearing soon, after which he says he will have at least 2 weekends per month free to spend with me... if there was another woman, wouldn't he want me to believe that all his weekends would be busy? He has also mentioned spending Christmas with me. Odd...

 

This sucks, but I don't want to give up until I know something for sure...

 

Once somebody says this, man or woman, it's over. They no longer care about the relationship. Nobody who loves and wants to be with somebody says this.

[smackie9]

Why not give up? Does it matter if he is being honest? What does that prove to you? Like I said, it's not why is important, it's how things are now that's important. You date those who treat you the way you want to be treated, he's not doing that anymore so why keep hanging on?

 

I understand you want reason, and closure, but sometimes you will not get that...but you will get to keep your self worth.

[KBob]

He did tell me that if this situation isn't working for me, he will understand if I want to leave

 

So you did talk to him about it then. If this is what he said then translated that means "I'm not changing things. Take it or leave it". So now you have the choice of accepting the situation or leaving.

[d0nnivain]

I'm a firm believer in talking with an eye toward working things out. Talk to him. Don't attack. Ask. Suggest. If you don't find common ground then consider if you want to continue to date him

[act00]

I really don't see his pulling back as a good sign either, especially after you shared his history when you two started dating...you have now recognized a pattern...maybe.

 

I do think that it is worth a talk or discussion about the relationship, his behavior, what's bothering you, etc. No need to throw the baby out with the bath water just yet, but I would start mentally preparing that this could potentially be the end. You're willing to compromise some time, but at the same time, your needs are not being met...when do you jump ship? Hard to say.

 

I dated a guy that didn't tell his kids he was dating. He was more involved, about 50/50 time. Kids were older. Their mother was open about dating, so it wasn't a foreign concept to them. For myself, my parents were divorced and dated, and it was really not a major issue for me or my sister when our parents dated, eventually marrying. We only met the ones who were serious, so in total, 4, two of which became stepmom and stepdad. Not all kids are going to go crazy-mad that mommy and daddy aren't together and are dating, though obviously it happens. I've been open with dating with my teenage kids.

 

Also, what's going on with this teen that she is now living with her father? Is she trouble? Difficult? Just not getting along with mom? There's a lot going on here, and it may be more complicated than you know.

 

I think that a "relationship talk" is in order...discuss expectations and what-not. You're a grownup and so is he. Up until now, it seems you've been invested in each other, and I would think that if he is still serious about you, he will work on you and your relationship. If he's not that into you anymore, maybe met another woman, obviously none of this will make a difference, but you only have your suspicions right now. Five months is another one of those hurdles in the path of dating where people stick it out or they lose interest, kind of like that first three-month honeymoon phase. So in the end, I think I would "have a talk," but mentally prepare that this is ending. At the end of the day, if he can't meet your needs, and his priority should be his child, then it's time to move on.

[Back_Again]

Once somebody says this, man or woman, it's over. They no longer care about the relationship. Nobody who loves and wants to be with somebody says this.

 

This is what I'm afraid of. I asked him about this, how could he want me with someone else if he had feelings for me, and his response was that since he can no longer offer me a proper relationship, with my best interest at heart he figured he should let me go for someone else who could. He added that he hoped I would do the same for him, if the roles were reversed (heck no! lol).

The thing is, he is not an altruistic, kind person, far from it. So this altruistic attitude seems fake.

Is there any chance it could be the truth?

[Back_Again]

So you did talk to him about it then. If this is what he said then translated that means "I'm not changing things. Take it or leave it". So now you have the choice of accepting the situation or leaving.

 

We talked about the not seeing each other as often part...at that point I didn't know the calls would become non-existent as well.

[Back_Again]

I really don't see his pulling back as a good sign either, especially after you shared his history when you two started dating...you have now recognized a pattern...maybe.

 

I do think that it is worth a talk or discussion about the relationship, his behavior, what's bothering you, etc. No need to throw the baby out with the bath water just yet, but I would start mentally preparing that this could potentially be the end. You're willing to compromise some time, but at the same time, your needs are not being met...when do you jump ship? Hard to say.

 

I dated a guy that didn't tell his kids he was dating. He was more involved, about 50/50 time. Kids were older. Their mother was open about dating, so it wasn't a foreign concept to them. For myself, my parents were divorced and dated, and it was really not a major issue for me or my sister when our parents dated, eventually marrying. We only met the ones who were serious, so in total, 4, two of which became stepmom and stepdad. Not all kids are going to go crazy-mad that mommy and daddy aren't together and are dating, though obviously it happens. I've been open with dating with my teenage kids.

 

Also, what's going on with this teen that she is now living with her father? Is she trouble? Difficult? Just not getting along with mom? There's a lot going on here, and it may be more complicated than you know.

 

I think that a "relationship talk" is in order...discuss expectations and what-not. You're a grownup and so is he. Up until now, it seems you've been invested in each other, and I would think that if he is still serious about you, he will work on you and your relationship. If he's not that into you anymore, maybe met another woman, obviously none of this will make a difference, but you only have your suspicions right now. Five months is another one of those hurdles in the path of dating where people stick it out or they lose interest, kind of like that first three-month honeymoon phase. So in the end, I think I would "have a talk," but mentally prepare that this is ending. At the end of the day, if he can't meet your needs, and his priority should be his child, then it's time to move on.

 

Apparently she wasn't getting along with her mother.

I'm not sure if talking again about the relationship will do any good, he pretty much laid it out for me - we won't be seeing each other much, only when time permits and the girl is out or off with her mother for the weekend, and this will last for the next year and a half until she's off to college. And that he is not comfortable talking on the phone with me when she's home. And if I don't like it, I am free to go (well, he said it nicer but that's the gist of it).

 

I do want to stick around, because up until this happened we were pretty good together. Still, lots of things bother me, the main one being why would a 50 year old man, who usually does whatever he wants and nobody dictates him what to do, let his teenage daughter ruin his relationship? I mean, she is old enough to stay home alone, while we meet for 2-3 hours, right? Yes it would be great if we could hang out at his place, and we can still do that when she's away, but I cannot believe that she is always home preventing him to go out or call someone. She has friends to hang out with, what 16 year old prefers to hang out with her dad all the time?

 

But I hate ending things based on suspicions. And yet, things look awfully similar to how they were with his ex, when we first got together.

[act00]

Apparently she wasn't getting along with her mother.

I'm not sure if talking again about the relationship will do any good, he pretty much laid it out for me - we won't be seeing each other much, only when time permits and the girl is out or off with her mother for the weekend, and this will last for the next year and a half until she's off to college. And that he is not comfortable talking on the phone with me when she's home. And if I don't like it, I am free to go (well, he said it nicer but that's the gist of it).

 

I do want to stick around, because up until this happened we were pretty good together. Still, lots of things bother me, the main one being why would a 50 year old man, who usually does whatever he wants and nobody dictates him what to do, let his teenage daughter ruin his relationship? I mean, she is old enough to stay home alone, while we meet for 2-3 hours, right? Yes it would be great if we could hang out at his place, and we can still do that when she's away, but I cannot believe that she is always home preventing him to go out or call someone. She has friends to hang out with, what 16 year old prefers to hang out with her dad all the time?

 

But I hate ending things based on suspicions. And yet, things look awfully similar to how they were with his ex, when we first got together.

 

What is this teenager up to? Can she be unsupervised? Is she trouble with a capital T? Is she hanging out with a bad crowd, rebelling, getting into trouble, stealing, drugs, drinking, sex? Depressed, angry? Me as a teenager - naughty. Not terribly naughty, but I had my moments. I didn't hit the top 10 in teenage drama, but gave my parents some gray hairs to be sure. Me? I have been blessed with easy teenagers. Nothing major to worry about. Good kids. Grades could be better. Leaving them alone for a few hours, if not the night or weekend, is easy-breezy. When their father lived near, and we were doing the every-other-weekend, I didn't go out on my weekends. I spent time with them. Now they have jobs, transportation, and interests that don't necessarily involve mom, and their father lives out of state, so it's 24/7, and I go out when I want (which isn't often right now).

 

I just don't understand the dynamics of the teenager and what's going on there. If he only gets every other weekend, then that weekend is daddy time, even if she's got her own stuff to do. He's probably the taxi and coordinator. If she is troubled and cannot be left unsupervised, that is yet another issue. Clearly this has not been discussed, and five months in, it probably should be.

 

Or maybe it's just an excuse. That's all he needs. This is a potential pattern that he fades out with the old one while picking up steam with the new one.

 

He doesn't necessarily get the last word with a "take it or leave it." If he genuinely cares about you, he will find a common ground, and you will have to broach the topic. The end result may be agreement to call it off....at least you'll have a defined answer instead of this pull back and slow fade.

 

To be honest, he seems done with this relationship, but I'm someone who wants to make sure this is true and that I've done what I can on my end of the relationship, rather than slink off and wonder "what if." This puts me in hurtful positions, but it's what I do. I try not to whine too much following.

 

This really sucks, and I'm sorry. I really fell hard for a guy (only 2-1/2 months) and got the "busy," "kids," "work functions," slow fade, not only once, but twice (I know, stupid), and it was worth it to me to try again because my feelings were really strong, but ouch!

 

Do what you need to do. One last talk or take it AND leave it? Up to you.

[OatsAndHall]

If you want to work it out with him, then communicate and try to sort things out. I also wouldn't assume that he is fooling around; he could be stressed out from sharing his apartment with a teen and basically being a full-time single parent.

 

But, it certainly sounds like you don't trust him and want out of the relationship. If that's the case, then just call politely call it off. Airing your grievances serves no purpose and just adds stress onto the situation. You might think that it will make you feel better to tell him off but a) that's short term, fleeting gratification and b) it might back fire on you.

 

A friend of mine has a bit of a temper, called it off with her ex and made damn sure he knew it was because of him (at least in her mind).. He just wrote her off and basically said, "Okay, it's my fault. So be it. I don't really care." This set her off, she text bombed him, he ignored her and she walked away from the situation feeling worse than when she walked in.

[Back_Again]

If you want to work it out with him, then communicate and try to sort things out. I also wouldn't assume that he is fooling around; he could be stressed out from sharing his apartment with a teen and basically being a full-time single parent.

 

But, it certainly sounds like you don't trust him and want out of the relationship. If that's the case, then just call politely call it off. Airing your grievances serves no purpose and just adds stress onto the situation. You might think that it will make you feel better to tell him off but a) that's short term, fleeting gratification and b) it might back fire on you.

 

A friend of mine has a bit of a temper, called it off with her ex and made damn sure he knew it was because of him (at least in her mind).. He just wrote her off and basically said, "Okay, it's my fault. So be it. I don't really care." This set her off, she text bombed him, he ignored her and she walked away from the situation feeling worse than when she walked in.

 

I don't fully trust him (long story behind that), but I don't want out of the relationship.

This is what he tells me - that he is stressed out because of the sudden change and is trying to put some order back into his life, which will happen after the custody hearing is over. He says there is nobody else.

But still, is being stressed out a good enough reason not to call your girlfriend at least some nights, if not every night as before? It's not like avoiding me and hanging out with me will ease his stress, on the contrary, it should make him feel more relaxed!

[smackie9]

So you are willing to stay with someone that is OK with seeing you move on, isn't going to compromise, or willing to fight for you, and will be unavailable to you for a year and a half. You are not going to get back "we were good together" that's over. And after a year and a half, it's not going to be there for you. There will be a strong possibility someone will take your place.

[Highndry]

This is what I'm afraid of. I asked him about this, how could he want me with someone else if he had feelings for me, and his response was that since he can no longer offer me a proper relationship, with my best interest at heart he figured he should let me go for someone else who could. He added that he hoped I would do the same for him, if the roles were reversed (heck no! lol).

The thing is, he is not an altruistic, kind person, far from it. So this altruistic attitude seems fake.

Is there any chance it could be the truth?

 

He's lost interest. But honestly, is this the kind of guy you really want?

[act00]

I don't fully trust him (long story behind that), but I don't want out of the relationship.

This is what he tells me - that he is stressed out because of the sudden change and is trying to put some order back into his life, which will happen after the custody hearing is over. He says there is nobody else.

But still, is being stressed out a good enough reason not to call your girlfriend at least some nights, if not every night as before? It's not like avoiding me and hanging out with me will ease his stress, on the contrary, it should make him feel more relaxed!

 

Believe me OP, I totally get what you're saying and I agree with you, but I need to present the other side of the picture. Early in my dating, when my kids were young, I had to stop. I was in an abusive relationship, so when I got divorced, my children were really young. I wasn't going to hire a babysitter and go out with the boyfriend (date) on my divided time with my children. I was going to spend time with my children. I also had to work full time, school, homework, laundry, shopping, dinner, lunches, making sure everyone was bathed, backpacks ready, errands and obligations. I had few free days where I could just lounge and be lazy, and I couldn't do that because I had to date. Kids are at their dad's, time to date, and I had no capacity to grow and care for another person, take on their trials, and dating started to feel like a job, another obligation, something else I had to do, someone else I had to care for...so I stopped.

 

If this teenager requires a ton of attention, can't be unsupervised, involved in a lot of extracurricular activities that involve parental involvement...he has to deal with this. Mom was dealing with it before, and it wasn't working. Now he has to pick up the slack, and he hasn't been highly involved in the past, so this is all new to him. (I judge him on that...where has he been?)

 

Yeah, hanging out with you should be easy and a breath of fresh air, but relationships take work, and this man's world is on its rocker and turned upside down...it seems...and you are work. It may not be this fluffy rainbow of retreat for him you think it should be.

 

I'm still in the camp he's kind of done with this relationship, whether it's another woman or life circumstances, but at the same time, if he wants you, he'll make a change, but you do have to express your needs and discuss it and hopefully reach a compromise. Still, for you, you're going to have to decide if this is going to work for you, the time, the loss of time, how long to be patient before he incorporates you into his family unit, etc. This child is in his life forever.