Break up due depression

[alterest]

Hi, folks.

I was hoping to never again create a thread here, but here I go.

I was dating that girl for almost a year and everything was perfect... suddenly she changed her behavior with me and she said she was thinking about us a long time. Here the deal, she has depression and she wasn't take her pills for a while and didn't go to a therapy since we met. While brake up, she told me she want to be alone, that I am excellent person but she need this time for herself to heal. She didn't close the door between us (she said it explicity), and she did it to her previous boyfriends and I know I am now holding into this expectation that she want to back to me. She also told me that she wanted to take a break, but its going to be unfair to me... So she broked up.

I'm kind lost, in emotional speaking, but i know that I have to go full NC and let me heal up and if she want to get back to me that's under my power.

My point is: That's is something that I can expected from someone with depression? This change of behaviour and pessimism about relationship and that need to heal by herself? I don't know what I can expect from it and neither if we going to back together again (I hope so... but who know?!). Any highlights?

[CeciliaCylara]

Hi, folks.

I was hoping to never again create a thread here, but here I go.

I was dating that girl for almost a year and everything was perfect... suddenly she changed her behavior with me and she said she was thinking about us a long time. Here the deal, she has depression and she wasn't take her pills for a while and didn't go to a therapy since we met. While brake up, she told me she want to be alone, that I am excellent person but she need this time for herself to heal. She didn't close the door between us (she said it explicity), and she did it to her previous boyfriends and I know I am now holding into this expectation that she want to back to me. She also told me that she wanted to take a break, but its going to be unfair to me... So she broked up.

I'm kind lost, in emotional speaking, but i know that I have to go full NC and let me heal up and if she want to get back to me that's under my power.

My point is: That's is something that I can expected from someone with depression? This change of behaviour and pessimism about relationship and that need to heal by herself? I don't know what I can expect from it and neither if we going to back together again (I hope so... but who know?!). Any highlights?

 

Hi alterest,

 

As someone who used to date my depressed boyfriend for 2.5 years, I can offer some insight and I have some personal threads about the relationship too. Our relationship was going very well for 2 years a couple months, when it seemed out of nowhere his personality changed in a matter of months. I believe his depression episode was triggered by dysfunction happening in his family. He broke up with me later for the same reasons, "I don't feel healthy enough for a relationship and I feel if I stay, I'll just keep neglecting you." I didn't contest with it because I was neglected. He was once caring and loving, but his depression turned him into someone who was so selfish with his own pain that he couldn't care for others. If he did, it wasn't for me (the person closest to him), but more for strangers and not so close friends who don't see past the mask he wears. It really hurt seeing him give more attention to everyone else than me, but after researching depression, now I understand that this is very common behavior for someone who's severely depressed.

 

She said she didn't close the door on you. My ex also said that while we stayed friends for about a year. He knew I still loved him and he told me he loved me too, but he still claimed to not be in a healthy enough mental state. He did make a few appointments with the doctor for CBT therapy. I still think he's in denial though. I hung on for as long as I could to repair our relationship, but my feelings were being neglected for a long time by him. I can only hear so many "I love yous" but see little actions to back them up. I finally snapped and cut contact with him because he just couldn't act selflessly with me. I was sick of his empty words.

 

I found out later that just a few weeks after I cut contact, he got a new girlfriend. After all that time telling me he wasn't ready for a relationship, he suddenly was in a few weeks, but not for me.

 

That destroyed my self-esteem for a while, but that happened two months ago and I've recovered from the shock. I can look at the situation now and see that even though he's dating someone new, he is still very much sick. He can't stand to be alone, and since he doesn't drink or do drugs, his drug of choice are relationships. This girl is not an upgrade from me, as she is bipolar. I don't meant that to sound condescending, but I speak from knowing how he is as a person that's codependent. He dated her with the intention to try to fix her, because he can't face his own problems and needs to distract himself by working on someone else, who happens to have similar mental issues as him. He couldn't stand to be around me because I was fairly healthy mentally and that was forcing his own issues to bubble up in our relationship. He told me he loved me and wanted to earn me back, and then threw that out the window in a matter of weeks. He rebounded. He most likely won't admit it, because he's still in a depressive fog. He chose to run away from his problems. I see it in his eyes when I saw the pictures of him and his new gf. People are commenting how good they look, but I know the truth. It's all a facade on social media and he chose what he wanted people to see: his mask.

 

I have been about 7 weeks NC since then, but I messaged him a few days ago. It was message wishing him well and that I forgive him. I did not send that with the expectation that it would somehow persuade him to return. I sent that while knowing he may never return nor reply, which he didn't. It confirmed he was still sick as he's too ashamed to face me. He runs from his guilt. I hope that when his mind clears up one day, he can read that and know that there was someone who's always on his side and understand what he's going through. I hope it will encourage him to get help for himself.

 

I still love him dearly and quite honestly, I feel like I want to hold on for the slim chance that he'll remember me if he does recover. However, that's not going to happen any time soon so I'm taking the time to build myself. I love him, but I will not accept being treated like trash, depressed or not. I have to accept that there's nothing I can do and he has to be the one committed to change. As someone who was depressed too, I had to go through therapy and change myself because I wanted to. My ex does not. It sounds like your ex doesn't too. I think when they are unwilling, it's best to walk away and focus on you. It's hard, I know, and they may stay in the back of your mind as you do. I say that's fine if you truly loved them. However, they were incapable of loving us until they fix themselves on their own. We have to act on what we can control: ourselves. We have to focus on ourselves because the reality is they may or may never come back. The self-work we make is a win-win for any outcome, by happily being able to move on or happily being able to get them back once they recover.

 

Go with what you feel is right. You can work yourself while waiting, like I am. Or you can work on yourself but want to move on (depending on how you feel about your ex). I know some people would rather move on because some exes have done some unforgivable acts while depressed, like being verbally abusive or having an affair. My ex didn't do any of that so this is why I'm choosing to hold onto a chance. However, I am not going to wait forever. Maybe you will feel you want to move on once you get to a point that you're tired of waiting. There is no wrong decision here, just what you feel is what you should do.

 

If you want more insight, search up Depression Fallout Message Board and look through the many personal stories in the General Discussion. I know not many people understand how hard it is for us who've experienced depression fallout to move on. It's an unnatural breakup that offers no closure. I believe you will find some answers there.

 

Good luck in your journey toward working on yourself. Remember, it's not your fault. It was NEVER your fault. She has to want to get better to be better. Otherwise she will keep running, no matter who's she's with. Let her. Let them fall. Sometimes that's what it takes to get them to wake up. It's our responsibility to not fall with them. Wish her well, but don't be a doormat. Your happiness matters too. I'm sorry to say, but if she told you she did this to her previous boyfriends, don't expect that you'll be the exception. Her depression will make her say one thing but she'll act differently the next. It's part of the illness. They're a storm while they're like this, and you need to lock the door from it to protect yourself. Go NC to heal. I am back to NC after sending my ex that message and sticking with it, even for the holidays.

Edited November 2, 2017 by CeciliaCylara

[alterest]

Hi, CeciliaCylara. Thanks for your reply.

I understand your pain and everything that happened to you and I feel very sorry to hear that you have to pass through this like you passing now. It's pretty hard.

 

Now I want to improve myself and work hard to make me feel better... I know that is a long way, but I need to start it now. Doesn't matter what happen in the future, I need to be well with me even if we back together or for another relationship.

 

I'm seeing what you suggested and I have a lot to read before fully understand what passing by. I do love her and now I do want her back to my life... But i'm not going to bother her, cause this is bad even to me.

 

For what she said, she always told to previous guys that she won't come back to them, even if they said "we never know the future" she replied with "but I don't want to". To me she said "we never know the future, and maybe we can back together"... A completly different reaction... Maybe due depression. I know I shouldn't embrace it as true and wait for her, but it gave me some hope and it still give me it. She was explicit in her reason of breakup and she want to keep in touch (I don't think i can do this by now... but just saying) and want to see if we could work in future, maybe after she get healthier from her depression. I don't fully understand depression, but the little that I reasearch until now give me some pattern, that people that does have depression put their partners in some weird position or even break up, cause they think they could do everthing by the own and want to do that... That gives me hope? Sure, it does. But I don't want to hatch that hope into my heart and in the future that hope dies. So, moving on is the best shoot, even for a work relationship with her in the future, and for a future random relationship (my hope is still with her).

[d0nnivain]

Depressed people can't get out of their own way sometimes. I know I often can't.

 

 

If she broke up with you her depression is only part of it. Something else wasn't working for her. So even if she really liked you another part of her would be too embarrassed & ashamed to try again because she hates the part of herself that is depressed but now you saw that & she doesn't want to see that reflected in your face.

[alterest]

Didn't think on that way. When she broke up she did say that she hate that part of her and don't want anyone live it,casue even she can't accept that so, why the heck I should accept it. But I do accept it. It's easier for me? Somehow... But I know I can handle it. There some minor issues (like some lack of selfknowledge, that I disagree) that she pointed out, but I can't see how that minor issues could be a problem... But they come to the sake of her after her depression stage restarted (and I could see that when it hits hard on her... She said she starts to stare at some issues weeks later, and I belive in it, but also think that depression could be a major reason to that, cause she was very stressed cause her job and other stuffs)... And she didn't take her pills, or went to a doctor... So everything came to the worst scenario ever.

When you said that "she doesn't want to see that reflected in your face", you mean tha she doesn't want to deal with her depression with me, but by herself and after if everything make sense we could get back together?

[d0nnivain]

When you said that "she doesn't want to see that reflected in your face", you mean tha she doesn't want to deal with her depression with me, but by herself and after if everything make sense we could get back together?

 

No. She is depressed. She hates that she is depressed. It attacks her self esteem & makes it non-existent. At it's worst, somebody with depression can't make the simplest decisions.

 

In my case I am generally a high functioning person with a lot of education & a great deal of responsibility but some days I can't get out of my walk in closet because having to chose clothes to get dressed is overwhelming. It's incredibility humiliating to have somebody know that about me. (LS is strangers on the internet so I don't care). My mental health is otherwise a closely guarded secret. My husband knows but if he found out when he was my BF, I'd break up with him just so I didn't have to see him knowing he knows how debilitating my depression is. It's all part of the shame & the stigma.

 

Bottom line though, her depression is not the only reason she ended this. For reasons that aren't clear, she has chosen to stop dating you. It's unlikely that it's anything you did or didn't do but she has made a decision.

 

I want you to move forward & heal, not wait around hoping she comes back. It's not gonna happen.

[alterest]

I get it... So it's something that she indeed need to deal with herself only. She told me that she had depression in our third date, and I accepted it... I just don't think that could be one reason to our break up. I do have some minor issues that I treat with my therapist, and I made huge improvements since then.. now I have much more to discovery about me to fully improve myself.

She told me that she felt much dependent, and she isn't that kind of person and she need to rediscovery herself...

She also told me that I have to improve myself and she need to heal up by herself and maybe if the future allow we could back together... But I think is better to think that end forever and move on.. if and only if she try to reach out, I see what I can do. She ask if we could keep in touch, cause she really like me and don't want to get distance from me... But I guess I could go on NC. BTW, if she reach me cause her depression, what can/should I do?

[d0nnivain]

Given that she is depressed if you won't be too hurt by continuing to talk you don't have to go NC. It's about what you are comfortable with. If staying friendly & talking once in a while provides you both with happiness, talk. Understand as soon as one of you gets a new SO that person is not going to be happy about this friendship.

 

 

If staying in touch causes you pain because it reminds you of what you can't have, cut her out of your life. You have to put yourself first.

[alterest]

Maybe I can't do that at this time. I'm pretty hurt by everything and how everything leads to that situation.

I'm pretty concern about her. I don't know how be close to her couold be good for her or for a possible but not decided future us. For me, I really don't know how it going to be, but probably I get myself hurt, at least now.

I don't want to keep her as my friend, cause I know I will mix things and perhaps waiting for something is a good perspective that I shouldn't talk to her.

I don't know how to deal with a depressed person, if I should keep in touch and help her in their needs, if I should go full NC (cause doesn't matter if she is depressed or not).

Maybe I can handle with my pain at first, but don't know how it going to be in the long term and I really want her back. I don't mind what she have, I just want to be there and help her in what she needs to achive her happines again. But I can't push her (cause she said she doesn't want any help) and think that I can rule her world, cause I don't.

Keep in touch will be good for her recovery? (for me, I need to think a little bit) If yes, I should start contact with her or lend it to her? She already said she want to keep in touch, and that she want my improvement while she is healing herself and that she want to keep the door open for the future, but I don't know if she really mean it or if she just said for nothing (and no one knows)

[JimmyNYC]

Alterest. Here are my thoughts and advice.

 

First, we don't know if she pushed you away due to her depression or due to wanting to stop seeing you and is using depression as an EXCUSE. This is the heart of the dilemma. If I were you, that would be my first riddle to solve. However, it sounds like you do not know, nor will ever know.

 

If it were me, I would not want to be with a person who pushed me away for either reason. If she pushed you away for the second reason (she doesn't want to see you anymore and is using "depression" as an excuse) then she is a disrespectful liar and you need to move on and find a person to be with that gives you the love, respect, and attention you deserve. If she pushed you away for the first reason, then, depression or not, that is VERY selfish and disrespectful. I've had depression and I reach out to loved ones to HELP me not push them away. That doesn't mean one with depression doesn't need some alone time, but to push you away and give you all these mixed signals is not respectful of you and your needs. Is this the type of person you want to be with?

 

To me, this whole things stinks of a big excuse to get rid of you, but she doesn't want to come out and say it. So she distorts the truth and leaves you in confusion and heartache. Again, is this the type of person you want to be with? She may have depression and I sympathize but that is NEVER an excuse to treat your loved one this way. Never. I don't care how bad it is. She can still be HONEST and TALK to you and communicate what her needs and boundaries are during these depressive episodes. But she should never push you away, neglect you, and send you all these mixed signals. I know you care about her and that is sweet but it doesn't seem like she cares that much about you. I'd go NC if I were you.

Edited November 3, 2017 by JimmyNYC

[alterest]

I'm little concern how depression acts in people life. I saw that some people do push the loved ones away and by what she says and act, I really think that depression is a major issue to us. Even the rethink about us and my minor issues were caused by her depression. I could see it before her, cause she complaing and even cry weeks before.

Could be a big excuse? Of course. But I really think that is her depression talking, cause she doesn't pushed me away for good, she tried to keep pretty clear that we could back together after her healing process. She even think in keep us together but I leave her alone for some time for her healing process, but she said that's unfair to me. And I said that's probably won't work.

I think she lost herself in all these time, cause we start to date and enter in a realtionship quicker than iis common, and she complain about her depression and the space that she used to have, even if I don't put any kind of barrier to what she wants to do. I also support her to spent some time with her friends and even alone, but we like to spend our time together.

Maybe for this first stage, it will be good to keep some distance and work in myself but for myself not for her and if she wants something in future, that she could reach me out... Maybe letting that clear to her. While broke up she said that I could hate her and she will understand, ask sorry so much times and keep repeat that we could back together in sometime, cause nothing is permanent. But for now, NC and improve myself could be the best and only thing to do.

I have to return her stuffs and maybe when I talk to her I could talk to her that if she need to talk to me or want to talk to me that I will be there and she doesn't have to be afraid of it... Or this is a bad idea?

[alterest]

Actually, and this is my minor update from my perspective, I think it will be good to keep around her if she needs me (due depression), but keep some space from her (due my healing). So, LC with her, thinking about her illness. I don't know if it works, how to make it work or if it will be good to her (not trying to help her everytime, but give to here some certanty that she can look after me if she need anything). How can I do that? What can I say? Depressed person need it?

[CeciliaCylara]

Actually, and this is my minor update from my perspective, I think it will be good to keep around her if she needs me (due depression), but keep some space from her (due my healing). So, LC with her, thinking about her illness. I don't know if it works, how to make it work or if it will be good to her (not trying to help her everytime, but give to here some certanty that she can look after me if she need anything). How can I do that? What can I say? Depressed person need it?

 

If she's in a depression episode, chances are words will not help. Any comments will be filtered out to shreds by her depression and make her think she's unworthy of your time. Although, I don't know her so I don't how she deals with it. Generally, she has to get to a point where she's sick and tired of being sick and tired to take help seriously.

 

I'm in LC with my ex now after sending him that message. I may send him a Merry Christmas text when the time comes, nothing significant. He hasn't gotten help yet, so for me, saying more doesn't mean much, especially when he's still in his surface relationship. Test the waters by asking how she feels. She should know how to use elaborate adjectives about her feelings, like angry, tired, insecure, etc. People who don't know how to get in touch with their feelings would just categorize them as either feeling "good" or feeling "bad". That is not a healthy way to living. To be a functional adult is being open to the whole spectrum of emotions and not using such black and white thinking.

[Highndry]

While I'm sure she is depressed (I can't imagine anybody making that up), I doubt that's why she broke up with you. She decided you weren't the one for her. It all sounds like another case of "letting somebody down easy."

 

Do not hold out any hope and move on with your life. I know how hard that is. Some of us really love deeply and when all of a sudden faced with the reality that it could be over, we cling to hope. That's not healthy. Do your best to face the fact that she's gone.

[alterest]

While I'm sure she is depressed (I can't imagine anybody making that up), I doubt that's why she broke up with you. She decided you weren't the one for her. It all sounds like another case of "letting somebody down easy."

 

Do not hold out any hope and move on with your life. I know how hard that is. Some of us really love deeply and when all of a sudden faced with the reality that it could be over, we cling to hope. That's not healthy. Do your best to face the fact that she's gone.

 

I have my concern about it and I do think if she broke up only because she doesn't want me anymore. But when she broke up, she tell me that she need to heal herself and doesn't want to bring pain to me with I thing that I can avoid and so on. Maybe there is nothing to do about depression, but as far as I know her, if it was the case she would told me that and said "hey... we not work together, and we are done forever" as she did with her previous boyfriends... And for me, she told me that we could have a future, but she need to heal... maybe she want to see if I do improve my self in this time, maybe she told me that so I can take it with less pain... But she told me that. The healthier thing to do is NC, but i'm a little afraid how to deal with depression... I told her that I will be there for her, but she said that she need to do it by herself. I don't want that the worst thing happen to her... But its unfair to me and to her that I think that I can help her, cause she said that she doesn't want it.

Maybe the best thing is going to something between LC and NC, I avoid talk to her, but if she talk to me about her issue I support her. Or from time to time ask if she ok, but I don't think that case would be good for me.

 

 

If she's in a depression episode, chances are words will not help. Any comments will be filtered out to shreds by her depression and make her think she's unworthy of your time. Although, I don't know her so I don't how she deals with it. Generally, she has to get to a point where she's sick and tired of being sick and tired to take help seriously.

 

I'm in LC with my ex now after sending him that message. I may send him a Merry Christmas text when the time comes, nothing significant. He hasn't gotten help yet, so for me, saying more doesn't mean much, especially when he's still in his surface relationship. Test the waters by asking how she feels. She should know how to use elaborate adjectives about her feelings, like angry, tired, insecure, etc. People who don't know how to get in touch with their feelings would just categorize them as either feeling "good" or feeling "bad". That is not a healthy way to living. To be a functional adult is being open to the whole spectrum of emotions and not using such black and white thinking.

 

Yeah... At the moment of break up she was pretty pessimist about my words, when I said that I was there and that I care and accept her issue. Actually, she was pessimist some weeks before break up. And even if I told her that thing. She back to her meds some days before broke with me, but nothing that worth to save us. She is pretty in touch with her feelings, but even though she doesn't want to share it right now, and before her episode she constantly share to me her feelings. We are not in anything near to a "surface relationship", but I still hope (I know I shouldn't) that we got back together. How much time until you and your partner to set things up?

As I said, maybe I go something between NC and LC, since I wouldn't contact her, but if she reach me I will be friendly and supportive (if requested). Don't know how to deal with holidays in the end of the year, but I probably send her some greetings and so on. What have you done to show support and heal yourself?

[alterest]

I want to add something, she told me that she wants to keep me around, and that she want to send me random stuffs and so on... I don't know if she sees me just as friend, cause she told me about improve myself so we may get back together. But I don't know if she want me around cause she want me as friend, or she wants to see if I will be there for her and to keep me in her net for when she feels that she is ready again (and I have improved myself).

 

Any thoughts?