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Is he taking advantage of me ?


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Posted

OP is not sending mixed messages because she is naive. OP is sending mixed messages because she is doing some seducing of her own.

 

I'm on my phone and don't wish to put myself through the hell of multi-quoting right now, but I found the initial post to be a delicious read. Giving this thread a lick and a promise. :laugh:

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Posted

I mean sex is something and kissing is something. Sex is very intimate to me, if i sleep with you then probably i have strong feelings for you and i want a relationship with you. I explained this to him when he was mad. I have the right to not sleep with him, i did not arouse him to sleep with me. Kissing is different than sex especially in my culture we dont simply just sleep with men. This is wrong & what he did was wrong & going to his apartment was wrong, keeping on going out with men that just want sex or something physical is wrong.

Posted
so every time 2 people go to an apartment they should sleep together ?

 

No.. and that is not what I said. Don't get it twisted.

 

Plus i made it clear that i dont want this to happen & i was very sick ( flue & cough ) so at least what he can do is take care of me instead of trying to seduce me.

 

So now the story is you're sick with cold and flu. There is no mention of that in any of your posts until now.

 

If you're that sick, then why not just stay home and reschedule for when you're not contagious?

 

In the six months you've known him, you honestly expect for him to be exactly like he was when you met him the week before you broke up with your ex? Nothing living remains stagnant.

 

And yes, a guy is going to try to seduce you if he's attracted to you and you've been allowing contact for 6 months... that is human nature. The fact is: you're sending mixed messages by going to his place to cuddle, kiss and watch tv when you said no to going to your place to do essentially the same thing.

 

The moment he told you that he can't be who you need, you needed to shelve this and look elsewhere. You needed to take action that buttressed what it is you're saying and at each juncture, you've taken the path away from it. Own what you're doing.

 

I'm not busting your chops--I'm trying to get you to examine your inconsistencies. If you're going to be mad at anyone, be mad at yourself for not being clear on your intentions here. He wouldn't be trying if he knew without a doubt that you didn't want to be bothered with him and as it stands, you haven't been explicitly clear with him on that, going by what you've posted on this site. You say you said this to him, but your actions speak differently and when he's following your actions and not what you say, you get mad.

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Posted
No.. and that is not what I said. Don't get it twisted.

 

 

 

So now the story is you're sick with cold and flu. There is no mention of that in any of your posts until now.

 

If you're that sick, then why not just stay home and reschedule for when you're not contagious?

 

In the six months you've known him, you honestly expect for him to be exactly like he was when you met him the week before you broke up with your ex? Nothing living remains stagnant.

 

And yes, a guy is going to try to seduce you if he's attracted to you and you've been allowing contact for 6 months... that is human nature. The fact is: you're sending mixed messages by going to his place to cuddle, kiss and watch tv when you said no to going to your place to do essentially the same thing.

 

The moment he told you that he can't be who you need, you needed to shelve this and look elsewhere. You needed to take action that buttressed what it is you're saying and at each juncture, you've taken the path away from it. Own what you're doing.

 

I'm not busting your chops--I'm trying to get you to examine your inconsistencies. If you're going to be mad at anyone, be mad at yourself for not being clear on your intentions here. He wouldn't be trying if he knew without a doubt that you didn't want to be bothered with him and as it stands, you haven't been explicitly clear with him on that, going by what you've posted on this site. You say you said this to him, but your actions speak differently and when he's following your actions and not what you say, you get mad.

 

I appreciate your honest comment but just so i can clarify things:

1. I was mad at him because he tried to do more than kissing.

2. I admitted that i was wrong for going to his apartment, yes sure he will try to seduce me.

3. I am attracted to this guy that is why i should cut him off totally first because i am not ready for a relationship & i want to stay single for a while second because he does not want to be committed to me.

4. Yes i was sick, i even emphasized on this point to show how much he was planning to kiss me, he knew i am contagious & he was travelling the next day for business still he kissed me.

 

PLUS my question was not if it was my mistake or his mistake, i was just wondering if this guy is serious or apparently just wants to be a friend with benefits.

Posted
so every time 2 people go to an apartment they should sleep together ?

Plus i made it clear that i dont want this to happen & i was very sick ( flue & cough ) so at least what he can do is take care of me instead of trying to seduce me.

 

If you are sick stay home. It's not his job to take care of you. If you don't want sex with a man don't put yourself in position for it. Going to his apartment alone is going to lead to sex because he is on his turf and that's what he wants. Always meet him in public.

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Posted

 

3. I am attracted to this guy that is why i should cut him off totally first because i am not ready for a relationship & i want to stay single for a while second because he does not want to be committed to me.

 

PLUS my question was not if it was my mistake or his mistake, i was just wondering if this guy is serious or apparently just wants to be a friend with benefits.

 

It is apparent that he just wants to be FWBs.

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Posted

 

PLUS my question was not if it was my mistake or his mistake, i was just wondering if this guy is serious or apparently just wants to be a friend with benefits.

 

I'm not sure why that's not clear. He want friends with benefits.

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Posted

OP, throughout your initial post you furnish your reader with lots of dialogue and action, but your hand is sparing when it comes to your inner monologue, thoughts, feelings. Leads to some delightful ambiguity.

 

After we were done with dinner he said it is too early lets go watch a DVD at my place, told him i cant go there since i know he will try to kiss me so he said he will not do this since he is aware that we are only friends.

 

We went to his apartment & while watching the DVD he started flirting with me & told me even though he cant be with me but he really likes me & he has feelings for me & we kissed.

 

My favorite part of the above quote is the paragraph break. You're effectively perching your reader at the edge of a cliff with the invitation to take a leap but you do not push, which is nice. :)

 

More clearly: based on your phrasing, when you go to his apartment, you don't advance the idea that you really believed him, you merely demonstrate a willingness to take him at his word.

 

One might speculate as to the primary driver behind that willingness but it remains speculation. If one were to say, "kill all that noise, she went there because she wanted to kiss him," well, the fact that he flirted and told and liked and had feelings but "we" kissed wouldn't exactly hurt one's case. ;)

 

When we get to the comments and questions in the comments you retroactively fill in the gap, alternating the drivers for your behavior between really believing him, the kindness of your heart, and the flu. That's a lot, gal. :laugh: Yes, you cop to being attracted, I haven't lost sight of that. I just think the window dressing is unnecessary.

 

I am actually not mad at your going back to his place, not mad at his escalation, and not even mad at his being mad. Though I will say that I don't think that his fury begins and ends with his abortive attempt to bed you. There's more to it than that.

 

Why do you two really find yourselves at an impasse? When it comes to what each of you wants, does the substance differ all that much? Doubtful. I'm convinced that it lies in the way each of you needs to see yourselves.

 

Hanging it up for the evening, enjoy yours...

Posted
PLUS my question was not if it was my mistake or his mistake, i was just wondering if this guy is serious or apparently just wants to be a friend with benefits.

 

No he's not serious. He's not serious about playing the boyfriend with you and taking care of you while you're sick; he's not serious about investing himself in a relationship he's already told you he doesn't want.

 

That much is quite clear to me from what you've written. I'm not getting why it's not clear to you.

 

What he is serious about is getting laid on his terms--that's it. Nothing wrong with that--you just aren't the chick to be doing that with, but you keep him in orbit knowing this, and that's telling him he's got a shot at getting what he wants. Until you are crystal clear to him that that isn't going to happen and to stop trying (and you haven't been if you're going to his house and kissing and cuddling), then he's going to keep trying.

 

There is a danger to taking this course of action. It's called "being a tease" and depending upon the guy, for some women, that doesn't end well.

Posted

Why do you want to know if this guy is serious about you? He got mad at you for not sleeping with him.

 

Why are you still interested in him? I repeat: he got mad at you for not sleeping with him. Others are answering by saying he only wants FWB because they're assuming he's a normal guy who just doesn't care much about you. The other options is that he's immature and doesn't have much control over his emotions.

 

Neither of those options are appealing.

 

Move on. Please.

Posted

wait, what happen to the short guy? :confused:

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Posted
wait, what happen to the short guy? :confused:

 

Haha i did an update in the thread that is related to him. I cut him off, it didnt work out !

Posted

To answer the question you wanted answering he wants FWB.

 

That would have been glaringly obvious to me if he invited me back to his place and my spidey senses would have got into gear.

Yours did but you ignored them.

 

Realistically and from further posts it 'feels like' you did actually want some further attention from him but didn't want sex. You said you didn't want to kiss but you kissed him back, doesn't sound like you pushed him away at all at that point, nor stopped the flirting once it began.

This is the sweet spot where you become a tease.

 

You already knew he won't commit to you so you should keep well away from him if you don't want to get involved with someone who doesn't want to commit to you.

Posted

This guy is highly attractive and has a lot of good qualities that TMM wants. I guess she really wants him to commit to her.

 

We have no idea if this guy even wants a fwb, maybe not, but it is clear he wanted sex that night and was pissed when the OP refused to go all the way.

He was due to go travelling for two weeks and I guess he lined up what he thought was a sure thing for his last night at home.

 

Forget all the "feelings", they rapidly disappeared when sex was off the table so I guess it was all just a ploy to get laid, despite his denials...

He is NOT your friend, he is a guy with an agenda.

Remember most who say they do not want a relationship really mean they do not want a relationship with YOU, I guess if Miss Right turned up tomorrow he would be totally on board with her, no matter how "busy" he was.

 

He is a lost cause, unless you want to jettison your principles and put up with a "non-relationship".

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Posted

No, he didn't take advantage of you but he certainly tried. His behavior in this situation isn't just immature: it's dangerous. I strongly suggest you avoid this individual completely in the future. Anyone that will get angry when being told "No" isn't stable.

 

In the future, you need to make better choices when it comes to men like this, though. He didn't respect your boundaries when you split so there's a %99.9999 chance that he wouldn't respect your boundaries when you went over to his place.

 

Honestly, "friends" or not, I think you should have cut off contact from this individual a long time ago.

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Posted

er why would he commit to you after you said you just broke up with a fiance. i think hes bloody clever.

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