toomanyquestions123 Posted November 2, 2017 Posted November 2, 2017 After my rough breakup with my ex-fiancé 6 months ago, I went through 2 brief rebound flings. Rebound#2: The guy that i couldnt be attracted to him ( the short guy ) Rebound#1: Is the one i wrote about here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/629449-rebound-what Rebound#1 stayed in contact with me even though i cut him off after he told me that he really likes me but he cant be committed to anyone right now due to his busy schedule. I told him then there is no need to waste anyone's time since first i just got out of a breakup second i cant waste my time with someone who wont commit. Somehow he found a way to stay in contact with me, was very jealous when he knew i am talking with rebound#2, insisted to see me several times and declined until last week i accepted to go with him to the movies. He was so happy to see me & i told him we are only friends. Yesterday, he asked me out again before he travels for 2 weeks, told him we can go have dinner. After we were done with dinner he said it is too early lets go watch a DVD at my place, told him i cant go there since i know he will try to kiss me so he said he will not do this since he is aware that we are only friends. We went to his apartment & while watching the DVD he started flirting with me & told me even though he cant be with me but he really likes me & he has feelings for me & we kissed. Then when he tried to do more than kissing ( touching and foreplaying ) i tried to stop him & asked him to drive me back home. He was mad at me & asked me why i stopped him, we are both mature and we can do whatever we want. I told him i dont do such stuff with someone that wont commit to me. He told me that he thinks that i think that he is using me for sex but matter fact he really likes me & likes to spend time with me & that hurt him so bad. I told him i dont think this way i just wont do such stuff with a non-committed guy, drove me back to my apartment was furious all the time AND "BROKE UP" with me at the end, he said that no need to see each other anymore if i will treat him this way & wont kiss him and express my feeling towards him. I politely told him that's his choice and we are friends anyway supposedly so i dont understand why he was so furious. What do you think of his reaction ? Getting extremely mad at me and "breaking up with me" for not accepting to go further with him in cuddling?
lovephule Posted November 2, 2017 Posted November 2, 2017 I don't think he took advantage of you but he certainly tried. Unfortunately for him, his seduction skills were no match for your boundaries. 6
Kamille Posted November 2, 2017 Posted November 2, 2017 He's immature. You were clear from the get go about not wanting to kiss. He deluded himself into thinking he could still seduce you. You're definitely better off without him as a partner. 3
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted November 2, 2017 Author Posted November 2, 2017 this is what i thought, i mean if he really likes me this much why not committing ? Everyone is busy nowadays still he wants to see me but not be committed to me and be mad if i dont sleep with him. MEN ARE HILARIOUS.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 2, 2017 Posted November 2, 2017 Good for you and... Why would you go to this guy's apartment knowing that he had other intentions? You told him that you wouldn't/shouldn't go to his apartment b/c you knew that he would try to kiss you. Yet, you let him. You placed your self in unnecessary compromising positions after you had clearly indicated that you only wanted to be friends....I believe you need to continue to work on YOUR boundaries and better define them for your sake. 6
caveman621 Posted November 2, 2017 Posted November 2, 2017 He obviously wants to be more than friends and won't be happy to be just friends. He will continue to try to seduce you to become intimate partners. I don't see anything for you to do here other than to just stop seeing him entirely. He'll try to go back to "just friends", but with an eye toward more. 1
Cobra_X Posted November 2, 2017 Posted November 2, 2017 this is what i thought, i mean if he really likes me this much why not committing ? Everyone is busy nowadays still he wants to see me but not be committed to me and be mad if i dont sleep with him. MEN ARE HILARIOUS. You are still talking to the short guy? Look, he tried for sex and you rejected him, of course he is going to be angry. Ignore it. Block this fool and don't contact him again. 1
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted November 2, 2017 Author Posted November 2, 2017 You are still talking to the short guy? Look, he tried for sex and you rejected him, of course he is going to be angry. Ignore it. Block this fool and don't contact him again. No i am not talking to the short guy anymore. I broke it off for a reason. Thats what i did before starting talking to rebound#2 ( the shortie ) yet he found a way to seduce me again into going out with him. Overall there is attraction between both of us, he is a handsome successful man but the way he is acting is a turn off and i dont need this anymore in my life & i was so clear with him and i told him i dont want to break my heart againn !!! Additional reason to make me think that guys think through their d**k !
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted November 2, 2017 Author Posted November 2, 2017 He obviously wants to be more than friends and won't be happy to be just friends. He will continue to try to seduce you to become intimate partners. I don't see anything for you to do here other than to just stop seeing him entirely. He'll try to go back to "just friends", but with an eye toward more. he made it clear that he cant be committed to me due to his very busy schedule ( PHD-2 JOBS ). Yet he is trying to make me a FWB ? which i made it clear that it will never happen !
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted November 2, 2017 Author Posted November 2, 2017 Good for you and... Why would you go to this guy's apartment knowing that he had other intentions? You told him that you wouldn't/shouldn't go to his apartment b/c you knew that he would try to kiss you. Yet, you let him. You placed your self in unnecessary compromising positions after you had clearly indicated that you only wanted to be friends....I believe you need to continue to work on YOUR boundaries and better define them for your sake. I know !! Blame it on my superficiality & my kind heart. I really believed he wont do anything. So mad at myself.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 2, 2017 Posted November 2, 2017 I know !! Blame it on my superficiality & my kind heart. I really believed he wont do anything. So mad at myself. Learn from this. You NEED to be smart and consistent. There are plenty enough predators out there looking for someone lonely, desperate for attention and will push the boundaries regardless of whether you have expressed them or not. Too many ladies say one thing and compromise and that compromise need not be great. Just a little uncertainty and some guys will see that as an opportunity. Right or wrong.... He was thinking 'Let's see, she says A, but is coming to my place...hmmm.' 'She says she doesn't want to kiss me, but she did.....hmmmm.' Well, you know what happened next. Don't ever put yourself in the position where you will find yourself wavering or having to deal with a stranger physically. The best way to stick to your guns is to avoid physical surrounding, locations, proximity and people that may compromise you in any way. 2
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2017 Posted November 2, 2017 This is good what happened to you...why?...it has taught you some valuable lessons here. A) you now know you were being manipulated and to watch out for it next time, and B) they won't commit or respect your boundaries, then cut them off completely no second chances. No more being a soft buttercup! 1
Kamille Posted November 2, 2017 Posted November 2, 2017 MEN ARE HILARIOUS Additional reason to make me think that guys think through their d**k ! Ok wait. This is one guy. There's no need to bash men. There's no need to generalize and think all men will act like this. They don't. 6
BarbedFenceRider Posted November 2, 2017 Posted November 2, 2017 Thanks Kamille. A quick question to the OP? You accepted dinner and a movie. Did you guys go dutch? Each paying your own way?
kendahke Posted November 2, 2017 Posted November 2, 2017 I don't think he took advantage of you. I think you sent out mixed signals by agreeing to go to his place after you told him no to going to your place. If what you say you want is what you want, then be consistent about it. It might be too soon for you to be out dating. You're still fragmented from the demise of your last relationship and not in the head space to be entertaining a new commitment. 2
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted November 3, 2017 Author Posted November 3, 2017 Ok wait. This is one guy. There's no need to bash men. There's no need to generalize and think all men will act like this. They don't.[/QUO most men that i have met at least?
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted November 3, 2017 Author Posted November 3, 2017 Thanks Kamille. A quick question to the OP? You accepted dinner and a movie. Did you guys go dutch? Each paying your own way? He insists a lot to pay every time we go out, last time he was upset that i did not accept him to pay. I told him why you are paying and we re only friends ?
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted November 3, 2017 Author Posted November 3, 2017 I don't think he took advantage of you. I think you sent out mixed signals by agreeing to go to his place after you told him no to going to your place. If what you say you want is what you want, then be consistent about it. It might be too soon for you to be out dating. You're still fragmented from the demise of your last relationship and not in the head space to be entertaining a new commitment. so every time 2 people go to an apartment they should sleep together ? Plus i made it clear that i dont want this to happen & i was very sick ( flue & cough ) so at least what he can do is take care of me instead of trying to seduce me.
GemmaUK Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 I think your boundaries need stepping up a notch. You said you didn't want to go to his apartment and said you didn't want to kiss. You actually did both. If you said no to these things and did them then on a scale of two outta three he would likely think you were persuadable on other things he wanted to do. Just don't go to someone's apartment if there is a reason you don't want to go. In hindsight though this was a good thing that happened. You now know what the guy is after and it isn't platonic friendship. Hopefully this will be the end of that façade. You now also know he can get angry when things don't go his way. Just be thankful you're not still dating him or friends with him. 3
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted November 3, 2017 Author Posted November 3, 2017 I think your boundaries need stepping up a notch. You said you didn't want to go to his apartment and said you didn't want to kiss. You actually did both. If you said no to these things and did them then on a scale of two outta three he would likely think you were persuadable on other things he wanted to do. Just don't go to someone's apartment if there is a reason you don't want to go. In hindsight though this was a good thing that happened. You now know what the guy is after and it isn't platonic friendship. Hopefully this will be the end of that façade. You now also know he can get angry when things don't go his way. Just be thankful you're not still dating him or friends with him. I went to his apartment because he really didnt take a no easily as an answer and promised me that we will only watch a DVD. i am attracted to him and i was very sick & tired & tipsy so when he kissed me i kissed him back, but when he tried to do more i stopped him. Thats when he was mad and angry. Yes you are right, It is a big redflag that he gets totally upset if his plans dont go the way he wants.
todreaminblue Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 (edited) so every time 2 people go to an apartment they should sleep together ? Plus i made it clear that i dont want this to happen & i was very sick ( flue & cough ) so at least what he can do is take care of me instead of trying to seduce me. so every time 2 people go to an apartment they should sleep together ? Plus i made it clear that i dont want this to happen you were certain he would try it on you before you accepted to go there.....you didnt tell him not to kiss you it almost went further......this guy had no responsibility to take care of you ...as women we must be able to take care of ourselves...public dates in public places surrounded by people is always safer than going back to a guys place......when i was a teen i met a guy accepted a date thought he was the sweetest guy ever seemed so gentle....extremely good looking well dressed...he drugged my drink.....the rest is history and a brutal lesson learned..he was wrong to do what he did......but so was i ...stupid young naive country girl..... ....even if you know the guy...dont go back to his place unless you really really know him.....and even if you do know him.......still dont go there....unless you really trust him.....deb Edited November 3, 2017 by todreaminblue 3
act00 Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 I think you're in a place of leading him on, though unintentionally, or partially unintentionally. I think you were aware that he wanted more than friends, and you thought that repeatedly telling him it will not be more than friends would change that or he wouldn't try. I'm glad you managed to maintain boundaries beyond the kiss, but going to his place was not a wise choice, and you gave in on the kiss. It sounds like prior to the kiss, there was some flirting and cuddling. Friends don't do that. Seriously, OP, do you flirt and cuddle with your other platonic friends? You're sending mixed signals. I think with this guy, it's best to just not entertain any more with him at all if you are serious about not seeing him romantically. It probably won't matter at this point, but if he does try to maintain contact, it's probably best to break it off and ignore. 3
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted November 3, 2017 Author Posted November 3, 2017 I think you're in a place of leading him on, though unintentionally, or partially unintentionally. I think you were aware that he wanted more than friends, and you thought that repeatedly telling him it will not be more than friends would change that or he wouldn't try. I'm glad you managed to maintain boundaries beyond the kiss, but going to his place was not a wise choice, and you gave in on the kiss. It sounds like prior to the kiss, there was some flirting and cuddling. Friends don't do that. Seriously, OP, do you flirt and cuddle with your other platonic friends? You're sending mixed signals. I think with this guy, it's best to just not entertain any more with him at all if you are serious about not seeing him romantically. It probably won't matter at this point, but if he does try to maintain contact, it's probably best to break it off and ignore. Thank you Act00 for your advice, actually we started dating 5 months ago. There was chemistry between both of us and he admitted that he likes me a lot but cant be committed at the current moment. 3 months ago i cut it off and ignored him until he persuaded me to go out with him again as " FRIENDS ". I know we cant be friends since we started dating before and we kissed when we were dating & i know he has feelings for me but i shouldnt have accepted to go out with him again knowing his intentions. PS: I would definitely have kissed him back & didnt stop him the way i did if his intentions were pure and he is seeking a relationship with me.
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted November 3, 2017 Author Posted November 3, 2017 I think he just wanted sex without any strings attached even though he claimed the opposite.
elaine567 Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 I think it is easy for young women to put men in boxes and place a label "friend", "definite lover" or "maybe/maybe not" on the front, and then go ahead and treat them all essentially the same, expecting that the man knows the box he is in and he will act accordingly. BUT men are usually not going to bother making new friends out of women they are interested in. They put such women in the "definite lover" category and will push either obviously or subtly in that direction. Every "yes", or "wall" he can demolish is seen as a reason to escalate, which is what happened. You kept caving and he saw that as green for go. Had you not suggested "dinner" as that immediately screamed "date" and stopped the flirting as soon as it started, he would have got the message a lot sooner. Here, he thought he was onto a winner, and got upset when you finally said "stop", but you should never have been there in the first place. If you needed a cuddle or some attention and sympathy there are family members and female friends for that, you don't get that from horny young men, you have given "hope" to. You led him on and are now shouting, "He only wanted sex", but nothing in your actions really led him to believe you did not want that too. If you want to be platonic friends then be friends, keep your own personal space and do not allow it to be breached. You muddied the waters, got him aroused and it was then game on... Do not do that again. This man although mad, disappointed and angry, did stop, the next one may not... 2
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