ExBF wants me to keep doing his laundry & chores !

[Mermaiden]

I know the following story shouldn't even need advice because it's evident that the solution is no contact/no friendship/ nada anything, but I still need input from others to reinforce my feelings on the matter.

 

I had dated my now ex boyfriend for about 4 years.

Our relationship entailed me helping out with chores and errands to make his life easier.

(My ex is a typical coddled from birth Sicilian male so he "expects" women to cater to him)

 

We basically broke up the relationship because he wanted me to be a 'muted' version of myself.

"More quiet, demure, docile, traditional, old fashioned and ultra respectful"

 

Im already pretty traditional to begin with and to tone down the real me and be a boring colorless doormat is not me at heart.

 

We tried for last 10 months since we totally stopped dating to be friends.

Im still single but he now has a girlfriend of 6 months (slightly long distance [30 miles from him])

They only see each other weekends but I know for a fact frm his family that theyre already talking marriage.

 

Here's my problem:

I like a total sappy dogooder have continued to do my ex boyfriend's laundry, get him groceries and do other various errands and chores.

Why ? Because at first he cleverly said how his health has been bad and his high powered 6 figure job keeps him at work until late at night.

So I took pity on him for a while.

Recently I started to gently explain to him that Im not getting any younger (Im almost 29, he's 36)

and I gingerly told him I didnt feel comfortable doing his errands and stuff since we're not dating and never will be again.

Instead of seeing that he's asking too much of me, he has tried to say I'm a jerk ahole and not a good friend because now I don't want to help his life be easier.

This has gone on for a couple months and finally it's the last straw(s)

He doesn't have a washer /dryer, but I do in the basement of my condo building.

He called me and said he urgently need his laundry done and for me to pick up some of it at (drum roll........ )

9.30 P.M. !

And then he also added that he needed me to let his landlord in for a state inspection while he was away for vacation Labor Day weekend.

I calmly tried to explain that I couldnt drop everything to do his 'emergency load' of laundry and also that I had plans myself for Labor Day weekend.

His response was so nasty and hurtful. He told me that I was a horrible friend and that Im terribly selfish to not help him out and that I should just never do anything for him ever again because I really don't care about him and I can't be counted on to help him out.

I'm so disgusted and disturbed by his livid accusations.

Should I just end this whole friendship and not look back ?

THANKS.

[Iluvsiamese]

You're right, this one is a no-brainer. But old habits die hard and he knows how to send you on a guilt trip so I will reinforce what you already know. Tell him that if he wants to employ you as a butler, he will have to cough up a paycheck for the priviledge. Tell him that you just can't manage to continue to look after him and if he wants this for free, he needs to call on his new gf to help him out.

 

Spend your time looking after yourself and doing some things that you enjoy!

[Mz. Pixie]

Exactly. Figure your hourly wage at your job and double it. Then tell him it will be that much of a charge to do his errands, chores. He has to pay IN ADVANCE.

 

You're lucky you got rid of this jerk. He's using you, probably always has been. Why anyone would want to maintain a friendship with someone like this is beyond me.

 

You're beyond a doormat if you keep doing this and you sound like you're reasonably intelligent. Stop this immediately and tell him if he can't be a good enough of a friend to respect your boundaries then not to call anymore. THen, do not answer. That simple.

[sundrop]

and stop doing his laundry and errands.

He has a new girlfriend. Let her do is dirty underwear.

 

Let go.

[lindya]

I calmly tried to explain that I couldnt drop everything to do his 'emergency load' of laundry and also that I had plans myself for Labor Day weekend. His response was so nasty and hurtful. He told me that I was a horrible friend and that Im terribly selfish to not help him out and that I should just never do anything for him ever again because I really don't care about him and I can't be counted on to help him out.

 

Is doing this guy's chores for him what it takes to win his approval? Is it necessary for you to have his approval in order to carry on feeling like a proper woman? Until you stop caring about what he thinks of you, and what his standards for friendship/womanliness are, he's going to carry on playing you like a fiddle.

 

Take out his trash one more time, dump your completely misplaced guilt in there too. ...and set yourself free from this ludicrous situation. Please.

[RecordProducer]

Mermaid, first of all, he is not your master and you are not his slave.

 

Secondly, if you still love him, it's not a good idea to love him either as he won't make you happy no matter how great in bed, real macho or successful provider he may be. Besides he has a GF.

 

Thirdly, if you really feel guilty about not doing his emergency laundry (I've heard of white laundry, colored laundry, fine textile laundry, but never heard of emergency laundry) then you need a therapist to help you deal with your low self-esteem.

This guy is a complete a**h*** and I would tell him to get off my back and F off.

 

If he's lucky to find some unlucky woman to marry him and if she is willing to do everything and sleep with him, he will support her and the kids, right? That's how it used to be before and still is in many cultures. But you're nobody to him. Friends don't do laundry and clean their houses! Why doesn't he pay a cleaning lady with his 6-figure salary? Or simply buy a washer and learn to press the 3 buttons.

[Mermaiden]

Originally posted by sundrop

and stop doing his laundry and errands.

He has a new girlfriend. Let her do is dirty underwear.

 

Let go.

 

Thanks to all of you for advice, shortly after posting this I told my ex BF I would be happy to be his friend, but won't be doing any more day to day errands and chores for him.

I also added that if he needed me in a true emergency I'd still be glad to help him out.

His answer to this was to tell me off and angrily hang up on me.

For the first time in years I haven't heard from him in several days now.

I am getting weird hang up calls though.<shrug>

Guess he's decided we're not friends any longer cause I won't be his serving wench.

What a bastard, eh ?

Just pray he doens't turn out to be a vindictive one too.

[loony]

Originally posted by Mermaiden

Why ? Because at first he cleverly said how his health has been bad and his high powered 6 figure job keeps him at work until late at night.

He has enough money to pay someone to do it for him. If his girlfriend is too stupid/smart to live closer and run errands and do laundry for him he will have to find a paid personal assistant.

 

My guess is, he likes you, probably more than his current girlfriend, but he can't control you. He has tried emotional blackmailing:

"More quiet, demure, docile, traditional, old fashioned and ultra respectful"

but it hasn't really worked out, you kind of escaped him. Now that you've completely cut the strings he will start to become desperate. You'll probably see him trying to contact you and treating you more nicely. Be strong and stay away from him, he's just an immature mommy's boy. He's selfish and not ready to treat a woman with respect if she doesn't have the emotional strength to kick his ass.

 

Guys like him either want a sweet, little, dumb, docile housewife that they can control or they will go after a woman who can stand up for herself and put them in their place (the replacement for - mamma ). You obviously don't completely belong to the first category of woman who takes everything without complaint, but you are also probably too nice to be able to assert yourself in a relationship with him in the long term. Even if he starts running after you now, and I'm pretty sure he will, I'd be very careful to get back with him, people like him don't grow up in a week...

 

Ignore him and find someone who is more mature. I highly doubt that he's planning any kind of revenge on you now, after all as you're not his girlfriend and bound to any kind of obligation, I can't see any reason, not even imaginary ones, why he should feel insulted or dishonored or whatever that would inflame his ire to such an extent to cause you harm. I think it would be worse if you had decided to dump him, but as the situation is he has no reason to expect you to do his laundry nor do you have any obligation to be at his service in any other way. He tried to control you with the "we are friends" line, but that was all he had and he knows it. He can't demand anything more from you or he would look like a real fool to his friends and family.

[amberlily]

I sincerely suggest that you get yourself into some counselling/therapy - so that you can get to the heart of this matter: why on earth you would have even CONSIDERED being a personal maid and slave to an ex boyfriend (nevermind actually being it).

 

Do you let other people walk all over you like this?

 

For you to even post here about this shows that you've been so brainwashed that you couldn't tell him to get his head out of his a$$ a long time ago.

 

The man is a disgusting excuse for a man. He's more than financially stable, he's all of 36, he clearly thinks women's role on earth is to serve and wait on men and that it matters not what type of relationship a woman has with him, she's still obligated to be his maid. Who in the world said you or any woman was put on this earth to help make his life easier? He's a big boy, he can wash his own skidmarked Fruit of the Looms - and the poor baby better pull his bit fat wallet out of his heiney and invest in a washer/dryer - and (shudder), learn to be a MAN and fend for himself.

 

He is also clearly a very abusive individual - mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive - not to mention manipulative. Truth be told, he doesn't sound very mature or stable. He has the audacity to question what kind of friend you are, yet he's such a friend that he expects you to be his Molly Maid - drop what you're doing and run over to pick up his dirty laundry and take it back home to wash? What is wrong with this picture? Why would you ever WANT to remain friends with a man who clearly has absolutely not one iota of respect for you - who sees you only as someone beneath him, someone to be his surrogate Mommy, someone to be his personal assistant and laundry service.

 

Ask yourself why you'd want to be friends with someone who curses you out, verbally abuses you when you nicely stand up for yourself, who hangs up on you and is so manipulative? Are you that desperate for friends? I'm serious.

 

Please, get yourself some counselling so that you can undo the brainwashing that this mental midget has incurred on you over the years you dated him.

 

Friendship is not synonymous with being someone's slave, or with being taken advantage of, or being demanded to do things and if you don't do those things, you get verbally abused and degraded. Friendship is not about allowing yourself to be used and taken for granted, just as friendship is NOT about using someone or taking that someone for granted.

[Mermaiden]

Well it's been nearly two weeks since I last spoke to my ex bf.

I haven't even considered contacting him.

I moved into the furious stage a few days ago and now hate him with a burning passion.

Time will pass and eventually Ill go into the no emotion stage and then Ill know Im finally over everything I ever liked about him.

For the last week I have had major career and family emergencies (my uncle in a diabetic coma and my grandmother had a horrible accident) and this made me SO mad that instead of cultivating new friendship to depend on, I had no one to lean on during this time of trouble, because I had put ALL my energy into my ex BF.

He is an oh so charming manipulative devil and I'm going to move away to another town soon just so I never have to run into him again.

Oh and to top everything off, Ive heard thru the grapevine he's getting engaged very soon. Poor girl.

[Mermaiden]

Help someone tell me not to contact my ex BF.

I am very depressed with many family emergencies. (just found out cousins in New Orleans are have a nightmare down there, in addition to sick grandmother and uncle)

I feel in a mood to scream at my ex that he is an evil bad person.

(I know hes leaving for vacation tomorrow so last chance to contact him for 2 weeks)

Please someone talk me out of it !

[Art_Critic]

I need someone to do my laundry.. Are you available ?

 

 

 

don't contact the bum .. Keep up the good fight

[JS17]

Don't call him. He's an A$$!!!

All he'll do is yell at you.

 

If you don't have any other friends you can talk to and writing doesn't help then post here and we'll listen. I think anyone on this thread would do anything to keep you away from this dillhole.

[Mermaiden]

Don't call him. He's an A$$!!!

All he'll do is yell at you.

 

If you don't have any other friends you can talk to and writing doesn't help then post here and we'll listen. I think anyone on this thread would do anything to keep you away from this dillhole.

 

Two closest friends are new yorkers originally from Alabama, they've left to go help friends and family recover from the Hurricane.

 

 

Okay get this, Ive been a good girl and did not contact him at all.

He just sent me an text message with unhappy face on it.

Thats all. A stupid little unhappy smilie

After ZERO contact for 2 weeks.

Probably trying to get me to contact him cause he's having trouble packing for vacation and wants helps

Unbelieveable

[Mermaiden]

18 months later & this nutjob is STILL bothering me with anonymous emails.

I moved far away from him and am returning to visit friends in my old town this weekend.

He knows people I know and heard thru the grapevine Im visiting.

Here is his email to me tonight:

 

stay away from me.

 

i've left you alone. ive gone along with all your cruel wishes. respect

mine.

if you come near me, dont get angry when you end up getting embarrassed

in public.

 

you had every chance to keep me as a friend and stay in the town. YOU

chose to leave both ... my friendship, AND my town.

 

and go **** YOURSELF, for even considering coming here for fake

acquaintances who were never true friends to you like i was, when you

couldnt come here for me when i needed you. how ****ing dare you.

thats like the most obnoxious thing ive ever heard anyone do to anyone

else. what the hell is wrong with you? you insist on always making

the exact opposite decision than the one a normal, stable, intelligent

person would make. you must really truly want me to hate you. i think

youve succeeded.

 

i warned you a long time ago you were heading

down a bad road. your life is completely your own responsibility for

once, and you finally can no longer blame me for your problems or bad

decisions like you did for too many years.

 

if you would actually come here for other people and not for me,

thereby rubbing salt in the wound you created when you squandered my

true friendship in favor of those with random internet replacement male

friends and fake friend shopkeeper/artist/musician/gay waiter liberal

commoner proletariat locals... if you would actually do that, you truly

deserve every bad thing that happens to you.

 

 

one good turn deserves another. i have no warm feelings at all left

for you, none at all. thats what you wanted, and what you created. im

glad youre finally getting the picture. you think this was all a big

game. a grand experiment to assert the new chapter in your life, with

no consideration for me or my life at all. **** you for wasting so

much of my time and 15 years of my life. all i have to show for it are

a permanent anxiety disorder and a heart murmur that its become obvious

will eventually kill me. i saved your life, and in return, you ruined

mine. hey, thanks a lot!

 

but most of all, **** you forever for not only replacing me with new

friends, but actually rubbing it in my face for your own sick pleasure

and ego by coming here to see them, when you wouldnt come here for me.

 

i was the best friend you ever had. someday youll realize it. sadly,

you never listened to a word i said and made the biggest mistake youve

ever made in your life by betraying me and squandering the greatest

gift i had to give, that i chose to give to you. and yes, because

youre so clueless in life that you cant learn without making mistakes -

really bad mistakes - i know down deep and from countless experiences

wth you, that the only way youll ever realize how horrible what youve

done to yourself and me was, is through a big nasty wake up call in

your life. and yes, if thats the only way i can get it., i probably do

want that vindication.

 

and if you must know, while there was an initial nasty bloodletting,

having you out of my life completely has ironically also given me a

unmistakable sense of relief that i never expected, i cant put my

finger on it exactly... but its like a curse has been lifted. and just

hearing about you at all again gives me a sense of

foreboding.

[Mermaiden]

and then he just sent this one liner as a nightcap:

 

 

you need to get a soul you ****ing succubus.

[loony]

I actually don't want to post longer on LS, but as I happen to be in and nobody has replied as far as now, let me give you my two cents.

 

What I can see is that he is really upset and does not realize how much he had actually used you to his advantage at your costs. He feels genuinely betrayed and hurt, nevertheless his behavior towards was never acceptable. Some people will never understand that their expectations and their behavior are inacceptable and that their victims eventually take consequences that are not pleasant for them.

 

At the end of last year I had considered breaking off contact with someone because I felt that my interactions with him confused me. I had started to fall with him again, but somehow I knew that it was leading nowhere, just like the first time. I also got a very upset email that made me think he did care for me somehow. After a talk we decided to continue contact. Fast forward, a couple of months later I've decided to back off, because this pseudo-relationship is not leading anywhere. Regardless what he is going to tell me, I just know him. He is not open for a relationship with me, no matter how many feelings he will tell me he has for me, no matter how much he will tell me that he appreciates our friendship. At the same time he will say things that make me extremely confused. I've tried talking to him about this, but to no avail. In the end you have to protect yourself and take the necessary steps if he is not willing to do it. I didn't write him an email this time, but I will just not contact him anymore, that seems the best way.

 

I also knew another gu who was really hurt when I decided to break off contact, but nevertheless I knew I had to stick through it. It was genuine hurt and pain, but he was just not willing to reconsider his behavior towards me. Things had to go his way.

 

I am sure your ex feels sincere pain, but you must not forget, he is not willing to do anything to make you feel more comfortable with him so that you will stay. If he had treated you better, I'm sure you would have continued with the friendship. The reason you left was his behavior, which he was not willing to change. Remember, the person who caused him all this pain now, is himself, not you.

[justagirliegirl]

All I can say is what a nutcase! Get a restraining order on him if he keeps bothering you.

[Erik]

C'mon! Would it really hurt you that much to do him a small favour from time to time? For old times sake? I mean, think of his health. His new GF is probably a slut that does not have the slightest ideas as to how you iron a shirt.

[corny1]

Sorry, but I think its funny that he has a six figure salary, but he doesn't own his own washer and dryer. I would tell this guy to enjoy his life with his new girl and find someone who respects you. Let him go beat his dirty underwear on a rock somewhere. Hit the road and don't look back.

[Topper]

With a 6 figure income you can pay to have your laundry done just the way you like it done. Plus have nice dinners delivered and someone to clean you Condo. There other services that you can pay for but we don't need to go there right now.