Can't Tell What's Happening...

[Highndry]

Just come on here to vent, I suppose...there isn't really anyone I can speak about this stuff to.

 

So... I mean, I just feel like I'm losing interest, a little bit. I think I wrote before that she has problems with spelling/writing (dyslexia) and pretty much doesn't respond to anyone, so I tried not to take that personally. I tried a different approach with her and actually called her - she didn't pick up, didn't even acknowledge the missed call (she was online in WhatsApp about ten minutes later) - I mean I get that she has issues with phones but it pretty much comes up in the middle of your screen if someone's called you.

 

I'd asked her about three days before this call if she wanted to meet up, grab some food, see a film. No reply. Left it for a few days, hence the call. We have this Friday arranged, and I wouldn't usually then suggest something in the meantime, but it's been about a month and I am trying to push things along - I know that might have been a risky move but anyway...

 

So she replied today - day after I called and didn't follow that up with any further communication... she says she's sorry for not replying 'hasn't been in a good place' and that she just wants 'alone time to rest and recover' (she's off work, sick - I didn't know this until she told me) but that Friday is still on and not to worry about paying her back for the tickets as "the pleasure of your company will be payment enough"(??)

 

We were meant to be meeting on the 17th but that got cancelled (she was ill again - always seems to be ill?) so yeah. It feels like whenever momentum is built up it just dies again.

 

 

 

I didn't even bother to reply.

 

I'm kind of disappointed because I really do like her and there's something about her. I don't tend to hit it off with a lot of women and I'm also not really going to start dating again if this doesn't go anywhere.

 

I know that when I was at her house last I probably should have made a move, but a) the dog was all over us and b) she said she was 'scared' of starting a relationship so I was confused. I've been in situations like that before and when you do make a move you get rejected, so I just didn't want to go through that again.

 

I don't think she's dating anyone else, although she might be, I don't know.

 

Seeing her on Friday I'm looking forward to although we are going to a club so I don't know how to navigate that in terms of escalating/talking to her about where this is going while in loud environment (I don't really go out to clubs a lot)

 

I don't even know if I want to go further now. This slow replying thing is very new to me but can also be annoying as sometimes it seems as if she has no intention of replying, but will then do so with lots of 'my lovely' and 'babe' comments and it looks like she's really interested.

 

I just don't know what to do, really. I feel like this isn't going anywhere. I keep pushing for more dates/time together but she always seems to be ill/too busy/doesn't really reply.

 

Should I say something to her on Friday? Won't say it over message because it will be about three days if I get a reply at all.

 

You are using every excuse in the book rather than taking accountability for your fear. It's not the dog, it wasn't that she was tired, it's not the club you're going to that you don't even know what's going to happen there, it's YOU. I can promise you this: If you don't escalate she is going to be GONE before you know it. You're actually in the process of losing her right now.

[Ruby Slippers]

I respect that you're taking your time to get to know her. I would be over the moon to meet a guy like you on a dating site, someone who wasn't trying to get me into bed pronto, as even the "nice" ones seem to do.

 

I think she's calibrated to want more physicality from a man faster. She's not getting that, so she's got too much time to think about being scared and blah blah.

 

I'm not sure what you should do, though, as moving faster than you're comfortable with would likely be problematic.

 

I think you have to step up the sexual flirtation at the very least. You don't have to have sex, but she needs to know you really want her sexually.

[StephenV]

You are using every excuse in the book rather than taking accountability for your fear. It's not the dog, it wasn't that she was tired, it's not the club you're going to that you don't even know what's going to happen there, it's YOU. I can promise you this: If you don't escalate she is going to be GONE before you know it. You're actually in the process of losing her right now.

 

I really appreciate this reply. I think I've already said somewhere that I was kind of nervous/confused about it - she's been giving me mixed signals since we first met (she told me she'd been giving me mixed signals when I was at her place). She's been playing hot and cold since I met her - I've been hurt in the past by people doing this stuff and I am not about to jump in with both feet to someone doing it again. I'm taking MY time to get to know who SHE is and what she wants. Like I said, if she gets bored and isn't interested that's fine.

 

I've become slightly bored by her behaviour, too. Since I've known her it's been hard to keep in contact with her, and there've been a few times I've had to 'prompt' her into replying to me. We've made plans to go out and she's cancelled (at least twice), interrupting the momentum made by the last date. Even if I HAD kissed her the last time, nothing would have changed. She's still rubbish at replying and seems to be content with never talking unless we are PHYSICALLY in the same room. So it really is more than whether she's lost interest.

 

To be honest, yeah I'm unsure about making a move. I'm not going to throw myself into something unless I'm sure about it; if she 'leaves' because I didn't make a move then cool - it doesn't bother me, I'll move on. It's a loss but it's not the end of the world.

[StephenV]

I respect that you're taking your time to get to know her. I would be over the moon to meet a guy like you on a dating site, someone who wasn't trying to get me into bed pronto, as even the "nice" ones seem to do.

 

I think she's calibrated to want more physicality from a man faster. She's not getting that, so she's got too much time to think about being scared and blah blah.

 

I'm not sure what you should do, though, as moving faster than you're comfortable with would likely be problematic.

 

I think you have to step up the sexual flirtation at the very least. You don't have to have sex, but she needs to know you really want her sexually.

 

She's already told me about other guys who touch her inappropriately and act posessive/needy, and how she's had to block guys/how this turns her off them completely.

 

Perhaps she is wired like that, however for me the problem is the lack of momentum. I have only met her about three times - it would have been more had she not cancelled. I've also tried to suggest meeting up more often but she's never replied on time (the day rolls around with no reply) or she's just busy. It's been like this since this started. I don't feel comfortable making a move on someone who a) I've only met three times and b) who serves constant mixed signals.

 

I know the rules of dating. I've read enough on here to know when to escalate blah blah blah. Perhaps I did miss my shot. That's fine. If someone really liked me, they wouldn't be put off by the fact that I didn't kiss them on the third date - they'd also make their feelings a little clearer and stop being ambiguous.

 

I've dated other women and have not had this problem at all, I've known exactly when to kiss them, exactly what to do and when to do it. I'm not some 18 year old guy at college who doesn't have a clue.

 

I'm seeing her on Friday anyway. I feel like I've lost interest myself because of her lack of communication/constant cancelling but let's see what happens

[Ruby Slippers]

She's already told me about other guys who touch her inappropriately and act posessive/needy, and how she's had to block guys/how this turns her off them completely.

 

Perhaps she is wired like that, however for me the problem is the lack of momentum. I have only met her about three times - it would have been more had she not cancelled. I've also tried to suggest meeting up more often but she's never replied on time (the day rolls around with no reply) or she's just busy. It's been like this since this started. I don't feel comfortable making a move on someone who a) I've only met three times and b) who serves constant mixed signals.

 

I know the rules of dating. I've read enough on here to know when to escalate blah blah blah. Perhaps I did miss my shot. That's fine. If someone really liked me, they wouldn't be put off by the fact that I didn't kiss them on the third date - they'd also make their feelings a little clearer and stop being ambiguous.

 

I've dated other women and have not had this problem at all, I've known exactly when to kiss them, exactly what to do and when to do it. I'm not some 18 year old guy at college who doesn't have a clue.

 

I'm seeing her on Friday anyway. I feel like I've lost interest myself because of her lack of communication/constant cancelling but let's see what happens

You've said it all right here yourself. "If she really liked me."

 

From what you've said here, it seems pretty clear that she's just not that into you.

 

If you really like a guy, there are no mixed signals. You make it very clear that you like him and want him to pursue you. You wouldn't risk losing a guy you really like with this wishy-washy behavior.

[StephenV]

You've said it all right here yourself. "If she really liked me."

 

From what you've said here, it seems pretty clear that she's just not that into you.

 

If you really like a guy, there are no mixed signals. You make it very clear that you like him and want him to pursue you. You wouldn't risk losing a guy you really like with this wishy-washy behavior.

 

Exactly. As I've said; I've been with women and it's very clear to see when someone likes you. With her, there have been snippets of her acting like she likes me (the way she was when I was at her house, for example) but then once we're not physically together, getting in contact with her is, well, a mission in itself.

 

This wishy-washy behaviour is precisely the reason I didn't kiss her. Regardless of who is supposed to initiate, I have emotions too and I'm not opening myself up to someone who can disappear/reappear whenever they feel to.

 

As I've said, though. I've lost significant interest and will go out with her on Friday because the tickets have been paid for, and I don't flake out on people. Last week I had wanted to escalate with her but this just all feels like too much hard work and if I want to date, I want someone to actually be interested in me.