Can't Tell What's Happening...

[StephenV]

Hi guys,

 

I'll try my best to make this as detailed and as easy-to-read as possible

 

I met a woman online about three weeks ago, on an OLD site. She gave me her number within about three or four messages - we were writing very long messages to each other via the app, and she thought we seemed to have similar views so offered me her number.

 

I waited a day or so and started messaging her. Again, the long messages started up and I suggested we meet. We did so, and I thought it went well; she was very touchy-feely which made me think even more so that things went well.

 

 

So.. we still continued to talk, and we met up again. On our next date, she was again very touchy-feely. Conversation flowed. We stayed out quite late - considering she had work the next day I thought this was a good sign?

 

Our third 'date' was her coming to my house (she had expressed that she wanted to come over to mine, next time) I planned to cook for her but she had been held up at work so I didn't, we just drank instead. Again, great conversation, great dynamic. No kissing, but a lot of touching legs/hands while laughing, etc.

 

I must say at this point that I don't feel the need to get her into bed - I actually really like her and actually don't want to rush that part.

 

Once she'd gone home, she sent me a message telling me that she feels "at home" with me (what does that mean? Friend zone?). Again, we continue messaging but it isn't intense messaging - perhaps one 'long' message a day?

 

There are times when she says/does things that lead me to think she's interested, but she is still maintaining a bit of a distance... she has said in some messages that she feels that she would like to 'hang out' with me more and that she 'hopes we can always be comfortable to just be who we are when we're together'.

 

Today I had a really long message from her, longer than our usual ones... I'd mentioned it was an anniversary of the time I lost someone special in my last message... in this message she'd written "Is there anything I can do to make this time easier for you?" and, with two 'kissing' emojis, "healing kisses for you"...

 

I'd also asked her if she was free this week but she's working and on call all week so we won't see each other this week. However, her message was very detailed and asked me questions about things I'd mentioned, etc. So it seems as if she's not blowing me off but is just genuinely busy.

 

I have to admit that I am finding it hard to gauge her interest levels. Usually when I've met someone it is fairly obvious to tell how interested they are. Also, I am starting to like her and want to spend more time with her, but I am unsure of how to move this along at a bit of a faster speed.

 

Is she interested in me? What should I do?

[Cookiesandough]

Idk.... I had an experience like this before. Went to his house, no kissing, no touching, yet wanted to see me again asap. If I was looking for a friend in him, I would have friend zoned him, but I wasn't so I was out like sauerkraut.. Any attraction I had was gone. "I really like her, so I don't want to rush that part" ... what's that mean? Are you attracted to her or not? If not, you're on the right track to friendship. If you are and there's a connecrion, why aren't you showing it at least with a kiss...escalate -_-

[StephenV]

Idk.... I had an experience like this before. Went to his house, no kissing, no touching, yet wanted to see me again asap. If I was looking for a friend in him, I would have friend zoned him, but I wasn't so I was out like sauerkraut.. Any attraction I had was gone. "I really like her, so I don't want to rush that part" ... what's that mean? Are you attracted to her or not? If not, you're on the right track to friendship. If you are and there's a connecrion, why aren't you showing it at least with a kiss...escalate -_-

 

Because I've done that with women in the past and rushed into things. I've slept with women the first time I've met them, in the past. Without being disrespectful, those women turned out to be some of the most hurtful women I've dated and those relationships didn't work out. I'm not going to repeat that here.

 

The reason I haven't escalated is because I am unsure of how she feels. She acts interested and then pulls away - not in a negative way, but in an ambiguous way? But I do want this to move forward; I'm starting to get attached to her, romantically.

[Cookiesandough]

I understand. If she's acting standoffish one minute it's best to wait. Just try to stay cool and not look too much into things for now. I wish I could offer more help but it's hard to tell anything otherwise. Not even you can and you're with her. I will say if she doesn't agree to another date by next week I would start to look elsewhere

Edited October 31, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[todreaminblue]

seems interested to me maybe she is backing off to give you room....make you feel comfortable by not being too demanding or entitled.....she talks about feeling at home with you(emphasis on feelings and emotive)......and wanting you to feel you can be who you are when you are together...this doesnt tell me anything other than she wants to spend more time with you in fact she states exactly that she does want to spend more time with you.....

 

the hang out thing might be her understating what she really means....for me my feelings on hanging out is friendship......with this in mind.... her behavior points to the fact she doesnt want to go too fast for you...and by what you said about getting hurt rings true to the fact....she sounds empathetic she is pre empting your need to take it slow...but she is interested in more and is indeed just busy.....i feel that..deb

[kassy]

Just kiss her already!!!!

 

She sounds plenty interested to me.

 

If you kiss her and she isn't into it (which I highly doubt from the sounds of things) then you have your answer one way or another.

 

But man up and go for it! I'm sure she is like why won't be make a move, I even came to his house and was all touchy feely... And nothing... Which might be why the hot and cold you seem uninterested in her maybe

[StephenV]

I understand. If she's acting standoffish one minute it's best to wait. Just try to stay cool and not look too much into things for now. I wish I could offer more help but it's hard to tell anything otherwise. Not even you can and you're with her. I will say if she doesn't agree to another date by next week I would start to look elsewhere

 

I've asked a couple of female friends' advice on this and this seems to be the general consensus; the ambiguity of the situation is hard to understand. I've messaged her yesterday and she hasn't replied yet, but this is often the case with her replies so I'm trying not to read too much into it. She often replies a day or so later with one of these really long messages... I've mentioned it to her and she has said she's just not a 'messagey' person. So I'm trying to be generous with my thoughts and give her the benefit of the doubt. But you're right. If no further date is arranged next week I'm going to just move on.

 

seems interested to me maybe she is backing off to give you room....make you feel comfortable by not being too demanding or entitled.....she talks about feeling at home with you(emphasis on feelings and emotive)......and wanting you to feel you can be who you are when you are together...this doesnt tell me anything other than she wants to spend more time with you in fact she states exactly that she does want to spend more time with you.....

 

the hang out thing might be her understating what she really means....for me my feelings on hanging out is friendship......with this in mind.... her behavior points to the fact she doesnt want to go too fast for you...and by what you said about getting hurt rings true to the fact....she sounds empathetic she is pre empting your need to take it slow...but she is interested in more and is indeed just busy.....i feel that..deb

 

Yes, it was interesting to know that she feels at home with me but it was also a bit worrying; I know women say things like that sometimes when they're jut being friendly. She has also said that her last relationship turned sour towards the end and she knows that I was emotionally/psychologically abused in my last one, so maybe there's something in that. I don't know.

 

Just kiss her already!!!!

 

She sounds plenty interested to me.

 

If you kiss her and she isn't into it (which I highly doubt from the sounds of things) then you have your answer one way or another.

 

But man up and go for it! I'm sure she is like why won't be make a move, I even came to his house and was all touchy feely... And nothing... Which might be why the hot and cold you seem uninterested in her maybe

 

Sometimes I think she's interested, sometimes it feels otherwise. It's really hard to find the perfect moment to make a move. With previous women I've been with, you might be cuddling or holding hands and I can feel the tension building so then I make a move. With her it's hard to find that moment, coupled with the fact that we've only met up three times so far and again, I'm unsure!!

[StephenV]

Anyway, I messaged her yesterday morning (in reply to her long message the night before) and I haven't had a reply yet.. nothing significant, just replying to things she was saying... although I called her 'babe' a couple of times in the messages (trying to create familiarity? to see how she reacts to being called that? to try and gain a clearer understanding of this?) but still no reply.

 

I try not to read too much into her lack of replies - she's told me before that she is forgetful when replying to messages and when she DOES reply to me it's often in great detail and a very long message. So.... I dunno.

 

I'm getting a little frustrated; I would have liked to see her this week to continue building the momentum but I understand she's busy with work. I don't know when is the appropriate time to suggest another date? Nearer to next week?

 

I was feeling earlier that I should just tell her straight that I'm interested in seeing where this goes romantically and then I'll have an answer, but I don't think that's the right way to go about it...?

 

I think that the reason I think about this so much is that she is someone I could really see myself with; right age, right personality, pretty, a LOT in common - she even lives around the corner from me which is all just mad. So it would be really disappointing if nothing happened.

[StephenV]

Any more input on what i should do, guys?

[No_Go]

Any more input on what i should do, guys?

 

Wait a little If you don't see her this week it is not the end of the world - whenever she responds, be friendly and open, and set a date.

[normal person]

Because I've done that with women in the past and rushed into things. I've slept with women the first time I've met them, in the past. Without being disrespectful, those women turned out to be some of the most hurtful women I've dated and those relationships didn't work out. I'm not going to repeat that here.

 

But ultimately sleeping with someone the first time you meet them is just as much your choice as it is theirs. The act of sleeping with someone on the first meeting doesn't turn them into a hurtful person. They are who they are regardless of when you make the mutual decision to sleep with each other. You make it sound like this woman seems nice now, and you're afraid that if you sleep with her, she suddenly won't be. It doesn't make much sense.

 

The reason I haven't escalated is because I am unsure of how she feels. She acts interested and then pulls away - not in a negative way, but in an ambiguous way? But I do want this to move forward; I'm starting to get attached to her, romantically.

 

She goes out with you and she responds to long messages you send. I'd say you can assume she's interested in you, otherwise she wouldn't bother doing either. You shouldn't have to wonder how someone feels at this point, I'd say it's pretty clear. Try escalating it, and if she's for some reason not cool with it, there's your answer. If she's hung out with you multiple times and can't accept that you want to turn up the heat a little, that's her problem, not yours. I think you're overthinking this. I bet she's probably wondering to herself "why hasn't this guy tried to escalate it yet?"

[Cookiesandough]

I took it to mean he gets too attached too quickly with sex.

[StephenV]

She goes out with you and she responds to long messages you send. I'd say you can assume she's interested in you, otherwise she wouldn't bother doing either. You shouldn't have to wonder how someone feels at this point, I'd say it's pretty clear. Try escalating it, and if she's for some reason not cool with it, there's your answer. If she's hung out with you multiple times and can't accept that you want to turn up the heat a little, that's her problem, not yours. I think you're overthinking this. I bet she's probably wondering to herself "why hasn't this guy tried to escalate it yet?"

 

This is all accurate, yeah. I do think she's interested but it's the weird delay in replying and the kind of ambiguity in things, I think. The inconsistency? I don't know.

[StephenV]

Anyway.... I decided to message her. I've said "hey, you OK?" because I haven't had a reply for like, three days. Just as I was making this entry she's replied and said she's been in bed sick for two days - now do I try and set a date here while I've got her attention? For next week? I don't wanna act like a kind of best buddy guy friend by saying something stupid like "awwww want me to bring you anything?" etc.

 

I know I seem useless at this, lol. I'm not usually, I can usually read the signs a lot better than this.

[StephenV]

Alright... I replied to her asking what was wrong, hope she feels better soon, light chit chat and then at the end I suggested meeting up next week and said it would be good to see her again, just left it pretty short. So let's see what she says...

[StephenV]

Lol... she's said yeah she wants to meet on Thursday next week.... and then sent me another link to some event and asked me if "you want to go to this with me?"

 

So....

[No_Go]

Well I don't really buy the sick excuse... she's possibly low interest at the moment. But it is good she agreed to hang out again with you! Just go for it, no point to press for anything in this situation, build good rapport on the date, and see how it goes. You'd be able to gauge her interest level better in person.

 

Lol... she's said yeah she wants to meet on Thursday next week.... and then sent me another link to some event and asked me if "you want to go to this with me?"

 

So....

[StephenV]

Well I don't really buy the sick excuse... she's possibly low interest at the moment. But it is good she agreed to hang out again with you! Just go for it, no point to press for anything in this situation, build good rapport on the date, and see how it goes. You'd be able to gauge her interest level better in person.

 

She could be low interest, I agree. She didn't present it as an excuse, more of just what she's been up to, if that makes sense. I sent quite short messages and she's sending much longer ones at the moment. I am just pleased to have secured another 'date' - there's not much you can do over the phone without feeling needy or annoying to the other person...

 

I know he's got a bit of a bad rep, but Corey Wayne has some good points. Don't excessively hit up her phone with messages, use the phone to set dates. Don't be too available, and make her wonder a bit. So that's what I've been trying to do - what I really want to do is speak to her every single day lol. But that doesn't work, I used to do that and women would friendzone me at every turn...so I'm just trying something else, here

[No_Go]

She could be low interest, I agree. She didn't present it as an excuse, more of just what she's been up to, if that makes sense. I sent quite short messages and she's sending much longer ones at the moment. I am just pleased to have secured another 'date' - there's not much you can do over the phone without feeling needy or annoying to the other person...

 

I know he's got a bit of a bad rep, but Corey Wayne has some good points. Don't excessively hit up her phone with messages, use the phone to set dates. Don't be too available, and make her wonder a bit. So that's what I've been trying to do - what I really want to do is speak to her every single day lol. But that doesn't work, I used to do that and women would friendzone me at every turn...so I'm just trying something else, here

 

I think she's definitely somewhat interested, I just pointed out her interest is now lower for whatever reason (it could be completely unrelated to you - like work issues or family stuff).

 

Just to give you my point of view - if you want to call/text her and have something to tell her - do it. If you don't - don't. As a woman, I see no point in no-content check in messages (actually messages like 'thinking of you' kind of irritate me and decrease my interest) BUT if the guy shares a piece of information in his message (anything that is not just a 'feeler' message checking my interest - I'm thrilled to hear from him IF I like him). So in short - no need to play games, if you are genuine - it is very unlikely more (or less) frequent messaging will affect her level of interest.

 

Look forward to hearing the update.

[StephenV]

I think she's definitely somewhat interested, I just pointed out her interest is now lower for whatever reason (it could be completely unrelated to you - like work issues or family stuff).

 

Just to give you my point of view - if you want to call/text her and have something to tell her - do it. If you don't - don't. As a woman, I see no point in no-content check in messages (actually messages like 'thinking of you' kind of irritate me and decrease my interest) BUT if the guy shares a piece of information in his message (anything that is not just a 'feeler' message checking my interest - I'm thrilled to hear from him IF I like him). So in short - no need to play games, if you are genuine - it is very unlikely more (or less) frequent messaging will affect her level of interest.

 

Look forward to hearing the update.

 

Yeah, I feel a little more comfortable now... it's like I didn't really know her before and was maybe being 'careful' with my contact but now I'm going to relax a little bit. It helped that she actually invited me to something with just her - I didn't expect that, lol. Thanks No Go for your advice

[StephenV]

So... things are still moving along pretty slowly

 

I went to her house a few days ago and yeah, it went well, I guess. She invited me over and we sat in her kitchen chatting for a few hours, drinking wine etc.

 

We then moved into the living room because she was cold and she turned on the heater, which led to us sitting very close together (her leaning forward with her arm on my leg, legs touching etc). She kept putting her head on my shoulder, being very touchy-feely with me. I put my hands on her thighs to gauge whether to escalate or not, and she didn't move away or anything.

 

Was teasing her about her small feet, stuff like that - she was giggling a lot and seemed quite receptive to it and not offended. We made a (gross) hot chocolate/champagne drink she found in her cupboard and joked about that.. she referred to us as "we" during a conversation about future plans... I think this is the most I've ever seen her relax around me.

 

But before I could get anywhere, she fell asleep on me. Literally on me, with her head on my shoulder. When she woke up it was quite late; she had work and I had stuff to do, so I went home... gave her a little hug and kiss as I left

 

While we were in the kitchen we were talking and she told me that she is attracted to me, and likes me but is "scared" about getting into another relationship. Says that she trusts me and feels comfortable etc, that she doesn't even invite good friends to her place and that she's never met anyone like me.. Hmmm....

 

We were due to then meet on the 17th (which is when I was going to make a move, physically) but she messaged me on the day - she was having bad period pains...I have no reason to doubt that even though I was quite disappointed. So I replied saying hey, that's fine, it's more important that you look after yourself etc. The next day she messaged me and told me she's bought us tickets to some thing this coming weekend to make up for cancelling... which I thought was sweet.

 

I feel like I'm a bit more confident that she does like me - she's told me she has and she got straight back to me the next day rearranging an event whereas most people just don't bother... I think I kind of knew all along that she liked me but was holding back, slightly.

 

So yeah... this weekend. I am looking forward to it - I can't stop thinking about her, tbh. Like real butterflies type thing, it's mad. I think I'll try and talk to her about things the next time we meet... or maybe just read the vibe and act appropriately... I don't know.

Edited November 19, 2017 by StephenV

[Highndry]

I think you are moving too slowly for her. She's given you every positive signal and you're dragging your feet. You can't tell me that when you were close on the couch that there wasn't a moment to kiss her. You'll lose her if you don't start getting physical. Women want to be desired, she wants you and you better give her something.

[StephenV]

I think you are moving too slowly for her. She's given you every positive signal and you're dragging your feet. You can't tell me that when you were close on the couch that there wasn't a moment to kiss her. You'll lose her if you don't start getting physical. Women want to be desired, she wants you and you better give her something.

 

LOL! Trust me man, I know. But her dog was sitting on us and he fell asleep between us. It was annoying me because he's massive, and I knew THAT was the moment. It's OK though - the weekend is when it's going to happen.

[StephenV]

Just come on here to vent, I suppose...there isn't really anyone I can speak about this stuff to.

 

So... I mean, I just feel like I'm losing interest, a little bit. I think I wrote before that she has problems with spelling/writing (dyslexia) and pretty much doesn't respond to anyone, so I tried not to take that personally. I tried a different approach with her and actually called her - she didn't pick up, didn't even acknowledge the missed call (she was online in WhatsApp about ten minutes later) - I mean I get that she has issues with phones but it pretty much comes up in the middle of your screen if someone's called you.

 

I'd asked her about three days before this call if she wanted to meet up, grab some food, see a film. No reply. Left it for a few days, hence the call. We have this Friday arranged, and I wouldn't usually then suggest something in the meantime, but it's been about a month and I am trying to push things along - I know that might have been a risky move but anyway...

 

So she replied today - day after I called and didn't follow that up with any further communication... she says she's sorry for not replying 'hasn't been in a good place' and that she just wants 'alone time to rest and recover' (she's off work, sick - I didn't know this until she told me) but that Friday is still on and not to worry about paying her back for the tickets as "the pleasure of your company will be payment enough"(??)

 

We were meant to be meeting on the 17th but that got cancelled (she was ill again - always seems to be ill?) so yeah. It feels like whenever momentum is built up it just dies again.

 

 

 

I didn't even bother to reply.

 

I'm kind of disappointed because I really do like her and there's something about her. I don't tend to hit it off with a lot of women and I'm also not really going to start dating again if this doesn't go anywhere.

 

I know that when I was at her house last I probably should have made a move, but a) the dog was all over us and b) she said she was 'scared' of starting a relationship so I was confused. I've been in situations like that before and when you do make a move you get rejected, so I just didn't want to go through that again.

 

I don't think she's dating anyone else, although she might be, I don't know.

 

Seeing her on Friday I'm looking forward to although we are going to a club so I don't know how to navigate that in terms of escalating/talking to her about where this is going while in loud environment (I don't really go out to clubs a lot)

 

I don't even know if I want to go further now. This slow replying thing is very new to me but can also be annoying as sometimes it seems as if she has no intention of replying, but will then do so with lots of 'my lovely' and 'babe' comments and it looks like she's really interested.

 

I just don't know what to do, really. I feel like this isn't going anywhere. I keep pushing for more dates/time together but she always seems to be ill/too busy/doesn't really reply.

 

Should I say something to her on Friday? Won't say it over message because it will be about three days if I get a reply at all.

Edited November 22, 2017 by StephenV

[fmfan08]

Idk.... I had an experience like this before. Went to his house, no kissing, no touching, yet wanted to see me again asap. If I was looking for a friend in him, I would have friend zoned him, but I wasn't so I was out like sauerkraut.. Any attraction I had was gone. "I really like her, so I don't want to rush that part" ... what's that mean? Are you attracted to her or not? If not, you're on the right track to friendship. If you are and there's a connecrion, why aren't you showing it at least with a kiss...escalate -_-

 

Listen to this advice.

 

Men go for what they want. Women like men who go for what they want. If you want to kiss her there and then, go for it. If she gives you the cheek or she wasn't ready, she'll admire that you had the confidence to do it.

 

This is why men get the "no spark" line.. Because you're defining the interaction as friendly and not romantic. Make light touches when you're talking or doing a fun physical activity together. Stop her randomly during an activity and give her a kiss.