My boyfriend broke up with me at the airport... I was moving countries for him.

[SarahLewis]

I start dating a guy for about a year we lived together, went travelling around the world together and at the end of our travels had to spend 3 weeks apart so I could get my working visa for his country.

 

After I had paid for my flights, visa and was waiting at the airport (everything seemed fine between us) he broke up with me over message saying that he couldn't take the responsibility of me living in his country incase we broke up. Being so inlove with him and after already going to all the efforts of moving, I got on the plane. He picked me up from the airport, told me he changed his mind/loved me blah blah then dropped me at his mothers house for the night and didn't speak to me for 6 weeks. He wouldn't answer my calls/texts anything! He didn't care if I was ok or where I was just left me cold. I felt into a deep depression and after running out of money had to get a job. While I worked I still thought about him every second, cried about him whenever I was alone and basically didn't have a life outside my thoughts about him.

 

6 weeks later we met up and I found out he had cheated on me 3 times while we were away from each other and was seeing another girl. For the next month we saw each other once a week and every time he would tell me he loved me and that he wanted to try fix this. Me being completely alone in another country with no friends or family, felt voulnerable and believed everything he said and every week he would let me down with plans, cheat, lie and hurt me over again.

 

So now he has gone on a month holiday with his guy friends to Thailand and I'm left so confused, alone, heartbroken and have no self confidence. The last time I saw him he was really distant and kept changing his mind on whether he wanted to be with me. It was hard to get him to kiss or cuddle me also.

 

I really want to move on from this guy as he is a narcissist/cheat and has been so horrible to me but I can't stop thinking about how good it was between us before we had to separate. This is affecting my everyday life to the point that I can't eat, sleep or think properly about myself. All I think about is what happened, what he did to me and what could have been.

 

Please help me! I am only 21 years old and I am very worried this is going to affect me long term with my happiness/ mental health and trust for anyone!

 

Thanks

[Zahara]

If you stay with him, it will affect you long term. You were in a relationship with this guy for a year -- yes he was great in the beginning and it was all sunshine and rainbows but the person that he is now is who he really is. It's never going to go back to what it was because that wasn't real.

 

I would suggest you make plans to move back to your home and cut this guy off completely. What he did was incredibly ruthless and cruel and instead of giving him another chance, you should cutting him off.

 

Get yourself tested for STDs and start moving on with your life. You're 21 -- don't settle for this.

[carl198]

Go back to your country, that guy does not deserve you, he treated you like sh*t, cheated on you 3 times and he keep playing. i dont see a relationship of this , it s more just like a game. dont let him keep playing with you. Go back to your country with your family , friends . they will help you to heal from this. I know its not easy ,believe me and going trough a break up right know and the only thing that helps me is my family and friends.find a hobby, read , keep your mind busy and within time you will heal and find a better person.

[HumanMachine]

My word; that is disgusting.. block the guy and get home, he couldn’t care less about you.

[d0nnivain]

You thought he was a good guy. All the nice stuff was an illusion. Now is the time to get good & mad. It will give you the motivation to pack up, return home & get the best revenge -- living an amazing life without a jerk that is so unfeeling as to cost you all that time & money. Yikes.

 

 

Do send his mom a nice gift for letting you stay with her.

[magnesium]

OP, you are going to have to go full-on NO CONTACT with him for the rest of your life with him. That is the only way you can fully heal.

 

Narcissists all fundamentally work the same way, with a lovebomb/devalue/discard phase.

 

You fell in love with him when he lovebombed you.

 

Then he devalued you through both covert (subtle putdowns, gas-lighting, word salad) and overt methods (cheating, lying).

 

Then he discarded you on HIS terms, because he knew he had full power and control over you. The way you were abandoned was intentional, and it was meant to throw a bucket of salt into your wound.

 

Many survivors of narcissistic abuse experience what is coined as Complex PTSD. If you read up about it, I'm sure it will resonate with what you are feeling. The good news is, that you are NOT stuck with this for life.

 

However, there is a lot of work you will have to do to understand how the narcissist used your vulnerabilities to exploit you. It would help to have therapy, AND join a narcissistic support group.

 

There is an online narcissistic support group called ThriveAfterAbuse by Dana Morningstar. Every Wednesday at 8:30pm EST, she hosts free online support through her youtube channel. Just visit her youtube page at that time; it's live and you can ask her questions. I believe you will get A LOT of free therapy from that alone, and it will help you understand pretty much everything about your situation.

 

And another thing, this absolutely terrible feeling you are feeling right now, you must understand that right now, your brain is addicted to the abuse cycle from your boyfriend. Physiologically speaking, it is similar to cocaine withdrawal, and this is why you feel so bad. Your brain got addicted to the "sweet and mean" cycle of the narcissist. In other words, when the narcissist was nice, your brain was "rewarded" with a dopamine high, Because you tried whatever you can to keep the narcissist happy, even at your own expense. But the deceptive truth is, you can never keep a narcissist happy, and that's the trap. I'm telling you this so you can see things more objectively, and not through your feelings. You need to understand your brain has been altered, and fortunately, your brain can heal and return to normal, but you MUST GO NO CONTACT.

 

And once you go NO CONTACT, that's when the narcissist will try to come back into your life. That's a trap too. The narcissist hates you, and only wants power and control over you. It's imperative for your mental health to avoid his hoovering attempts.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I start dating a guy for about a year we lived together, went travelling around the world together and at the end of our travels had to spend 3 weeks apart so I could get my working visa for his country.

 

After I had paid for my flights, visa and was waiting at the airport (everything seemed fine between us) he broke up with me over message saying that he couldn't take the responsibility of me living in his country incase we broke up. Being so inlove with him and after already going to all the efforts of moving, I got on the plane. He picked me up from the airport, told me he changed his mind/loved me blah blah then dropped me at his mothers house for the night and didn't speak to me for 6 weeks. He wouldn't answer my calls/texts anything! He didn't care if I was ok or where I was just left me cold. I felt into a deep depression and after running out of money had to get a job. While I worked I still thought about him every second, cried about him whenever I was alone and basically didn't have a life outside my thoughts about him.

 

6 weeks later we met up and I found out he had cheated on me 3 times while we were away from each other and was seeing another girl. For the next month we saw each other once a week and every time he would tell me he loved me and that he wanted to try fix this. Me being completely alone in another country with no friends or family, felt voulnerable and believed everything he said and every week he would let me down with plans, cheat, lie and hurt me over again.

 

So now he has gone on a month holiday with his guy friends to Thailand and I'm left so confused, alone, heartbroken and have no self confidence. The last time I saw him he was really distant and kept changing his mind on whether he wanted to be with me. It was hard to get him to kiss or cuddle me also.

 

I really want to move on from this guy as he is a narcissist/cheat and has been so horrible to me but I can't stop thinking about how good it was between us before we had to separate. This is affecting my everyday life to the point that I can't eat, sleep or think properly about myself. All I think about is what happened, what he did to me and what could have been.

 

Please help me! I am only 21 years old and I am very worried this is going to affect me long term with my happiness/ mental health and trust for anyone!

 

Thanks

 

Save money, fly back to your country, family, friends.

[Darkchan]

That's really really horrible.

 

Whatever we all call him and all names we would put on him it won't change the fact that your love him. I'm inte same position, I'm also thinking back on all the good times we had, we lived abroad togheter and works, went backpacking etc. It feels like I won't get the same with anyone else at all. I can't sleep, eat (lost 2.5kg already!) I can barely do my work either so I know how you feel. I have panic attacks and anxiety everyday. So as in your case, complete utterly heartbroken.

 

As everyone else said, you should go back home. Don't stay and be all alone in a country where you have no one. You need emotional support from friends and family and people who distract you. Don't look at it as a failure either to go back home, because it's not. I think you were really brave to go despite he broke off with you at the airport. I think you really gave it your all by going there to try to fix it. He cheated and lied, he dosen't deserve you at all.

[elaine567]

After I had paid for my flights, visa and was waiting at the airport (everything seemed fine between us) he broke up with me over message saying that he couldn't take the responsibility of me living in his country incase we broke up. Being so inlove with him and after already going to all the efforts of moving,

I got on the plane.

 

That was your huge mistake and all your misery stems from that.

He broke up with you, so why on earth would you uproot yourself for a guy who didn't want you?

He continued to abuse you by lying and cheating and ignoring you, but you kept going back for more...

Now he is in Thailand on holiday wiht his guy friends, no doubt spreading more wild oats...

Unless in the meantime you have secured the job of your dreams, then get yourself out of there ASAP, you are a fool to stay.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would pack up and return home.

 

This guy doesn't love you or even respect you. There is zero sense in staying in his country. It won't go well for you.

[snowboy91]

Wow, I was shocked enough at the title. The airport is the worst place, you've put in all these plans and changing your life for him and he just drops you like that. Everything else... well I have no words.

 

You're saying you remember how good it was before he broke up with you, which is definitely good and valid but at this point in time it's just not tangible that things will go back to what they were. Do what's best for you, move home if that's what it takes.

[BaileyB]

You really should pack up your things and move back home while he is in away. You never should have got on that plane and gone to his country. This guy does not love or respect you. Take care.

[KimmyO]

Wow, I am so sorry you are going thru this! Are you still in his country? Did you make it back home? I hope so. He isn't worth your pain, suffering or heartache! It is sad what all you put up with but it is time to move on! There is nothing but more pain by staying in relationship or continuing in miserable thoughts about it. Look at it as hard lesson learned. There is someone out there that will treat you better and be worth giving yourself to. Get involved in things and meetings that hold your interests and let things flow for a while without consciously looking for someone. Maybe get involved in volunteering so you are helping others and filling your life with meaningful events and aide to others. The heart heals in time and love will find you if you are true to you and to your standards. When I am hurting deeply I pray for guidance and trust that the way will be clear, walking forward always and turning to the left or right when guided. You are stronger than you know and will be made stronger thru this.

[Els]

I felt into a deep depression and after running out of money had to get a job

Straight up, this makes no sense to me. You need to have already had a job offer before getting a work visa, and if you quit that job your work visa would have been revoked. The only open work visas available without employer sponsorship are for recent grads from local universities and given that you apparently spent the entirety of your last year "traveling the world" with this guy, you wouldn't be eligible for one. As a 21 yo, it is extremely unlikely that you would qualify for open work visas offered for very specific skills/niches where they would require 5+ years of experience. I don't know of any country where your description would make sense, and I'm familiar with the immigration requirements of quite a few countries.

 

Anyway..... Assuming I'm wrong, sorry to hear that. Please leave and return to your country where you have a support network.