littlesquirrel Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 Hey guys I just need some good advice or vent... I'm in my first serious relationship, it's been 2,5 years now. I'm 28, he's 36. I love him beyond expectations and vice versa, or I should say... he loved me? Anyway, we have our first crisis, for a very first time, I started wondering if we'll make it. I've got some health condition and I started taking some new medicines which caused me to put a little on weight and the condition makes me feel exhausted sometimes. He never told me I look awful etc. but my self-esteem dropped dramatically, I don't know what happened to me, I became jealous of his literally EVERY female friend, he is and always was very attractive and receive a lot of attention from the women, it never was an issue until now, I started accusing him that he lies to me and he's probably seeing someone behind my back... He's too sweet sometimes and I need to remind him that he's not single. Everything was right, I am so in love and our relationship was perfect. Two days ago he told me I'm pushing him away, which is obviously true, he became a little distanced and he keeps ignoring my texts etc... it drives me crazy, I don't wanna lose him, we talked marriage and kids, he said he really wants to have kids with me and like he said "I know I will marry you", he's my best friend, he's my lover, my everything. He's the only person I ever said: "I'm in love with you". I feel numb, I don't even know what I should do, should I just ignore it and start acting like before? The past two days I was aggravating, cold and bitchy. I'm not surprised he doesn't wanna talk to me but can I fix it? Or maybe it's too late...? I got my own flat, but we currently live together. Maybe I should just pack my stuff and give him some space? We talked on the phone earlier and didn't finish the conversation because someone called him, he was meant to call me back but he didn't. He keeps ignoring me, just texted me "sorry baby just met my old mate, will be home soon", it's been 3 hours ago and still no contact. I am mad. It's not like I like to control him but he never was like this, ever. Maybe I think too much. I'm just scared of losing him and I know all this is my fault.
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 If you have issues, you should be getting more medical attention for that. There are other medications to try if the side effects are too much. Or your doctor could offer some solutions to help you feel better. I suggest you tell him that you are a hot mess, you are going to deal with it, and get some help. Say that it was so unfair to dump all this on him for the last while, making him unhappy, and you will move back to your flat so you can focus on getting this dealt with. If you own it, take responsibility in a confident manner, things should get much better. 2
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 BTW talk of marriage/kids are not to be taken as promises...it's just talk. It's a promise with the ring is on the finger and the flowers are being ordered. 3
BaileyB Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 You do sound like a hot mess rit now... Not unexpected, given the health condition and the medications you are taking. Could this be a side-effect of the medication? Even as you write, I'm trying to figure out what has happened that is so bad that you would get your own flat and move out? You seem very reactive and to be honest, YOUR behavior is not conducive to a healthy, happy long term relationship. You can't be accusing him of cheating without cause. Right now, based on what you've written, the "cause" seems to be that you have been unwell, you have gained weight, and you have no self-esteem. That's not really "cause" to accuse him of cheating. Take a deep breath, calm down. Get some help if you need it, but tell your guy that you love him, you trust him, and you are going through a rough time right now... Ask for his help and his patience. Feel better.
Miss Spider Posted November 1, 2017 Posted November 1, 2017 (edited) just be nice from now on. be trusting Edited November 1, 2017 by Cookiesandough
darkmoon Posted November 1, 2017 Posted November 1, 2017 "I don't know what happened to me" dig deeper into yourself, cuz if you do not know - how can we? I do think he is more laid-back than you, and I know that a vegan diet prompts an 8 pounds or so weight loss 1
basil67 Posted November 1, 2017 Posted November 1, 2017 My advice is to not guess at what he needs. Ask him. Something like "I realise I've behaved terribly. What can I do to make this right with you?" Out of curiosity, what does he do which makes you remind him that he's not single? Just checking for red flags. 3
Gaeta Posted November 1, 2017 Posted November 1, 2017 Go back to your doctor and tell them the meds are making you act irratic. Most of the time they can adjust the dosage or change the meds. It may also be a temporary situation till you adjust to the meds. Have you explained to your boyfriend your meds side effects? No you don't need to move out, just calm down and leave him alone for a while. You will never get a man back by hanging on to him. 3
elaine567 Posted November 1, 2017 Posted November 1, 2017 ....he is and always was very attractive and receive a lot of attention from the women, it never was an issue until now, I started accusing him that he lies to me and he's probably seeing someone behind my back... He's too sweet sometimes and I need to remind him that he's not single. Is it YOUR fault or is it your gut screaming that something is not right here. If you need to remind him about being part of a couple then he is crossing boundaries and your spidey senses are naturally on high alert. Becoming distanced and ignoring your texts is not on you, it is on him. Yes he is going to withdraw if you have changed overnight into a cold hearted b****, but start looking at this rationally. Did you become paranoid before or after his behaviour towards you changed? Are you making excuses for him as you do not want to face the fact, he changed first and caused you to become suspicious, not the other way around? Of course as he is 36 and has managed to avoid (or maybe discard) commitment so far, commitment may not be what he really wants and so as soon as the talk got serious, he maybe started to naturally withdraw anyway. Do not be too keen to heap all the blame on yourself here, take a step back. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 1, 2017 Posted November 1, 2017 BTW talk of marriage/kids are not to be taken as promises...it's just talk. It's a promise with the ring is on the finger and the flowers are being ordered. Even that is not a guarantee to marriage. ...right after the 'I dos.' OP, simply stop your craziness and heed what smackie9 suggested. Try to find alternative meds or ways to deal with your situation. Exercising will also help some? Ask your doctor. Your insecurities will certainly push him away and that is the core of the issue here. If not already, you may have crossed the Rubicon and it's too late, but it doesn't sound like he completely disengaged. Do you think the meds are also directly affecting your mood?
BarbedFenceRider Posted November 1, 2017 Posted November 1, 2017 Okay, it's your FIRST serious relationship. And at a very later stage in your life. As well, he is older and has other life experiences besides the 2 some odd years you guys have been together. Your behavior screams control freak to me. As a man, I would be letting the leash go as well. You love him dearly, yet you accuse him of cheating. You are planning on marriage and kids yet you want to move into your own place? Sounds very chaotic. He may have very well have checked out of this. I think that you need some quiet one on one time and seriously talk about how you both feel. I would apologize for the aberrant behavior and let him know you will be working with a doctor to help solve this. Best of luck....
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 1, 2017 Posted November 1, 2017 I think that you are being way too hard on yourself. You are ill and it's time when you need kindness and support more than anything. The last thing you need is a man that makes you feel insecure. It's not all in "your head". Enjoying attention and cultivating multiple "female friendships" while in a committed relationship has always been a slippery slope. I have seen married men so many times do this. 9 times out of 10 it's nothing, just coffee or lunch and some banter. But then one of the friendships turns into an affair. In fact, that's probably #1 risk of cheating from my life experience (not personal, just observation at work places). They are just extroverted and love to chat to "people" who nearly always happen to be attractive females. They have trusting wives/gfs at home who know that their man has always had female friends and is just the type that prefers female company. Nothing wrong with that. Riiight. Now he told you that you are pushing him away? Instead of giving you a hug and toning down "female friendships"...geez. I can't imagine the weight of even having to worry about that while you have to concentrate on getting well... 3
elaine567 Posted November 1, 2017 Posted November 1, 2017 Enjoying attention and cultivating multiple "female friendships" while in a committed relationship has always been a slippery slope. I have seen married men so many times do this. 9 times out of 10 it's nothing, just coffee or lunch and some banter. But then one of the friendships turns into an affair. In fact, that's probably #1 risk of cheating from my life experience (not personal, just observation at work places). They are just extroverted and love to chat to "people" who nearly always happen to be attractive females. They have trusting wives/gfs at home who know that their man has always had female friends and is just the type that prefers female company. Nothing wrong with that. Riiight. Agreed 100% Six subtle personality traits which mean your partner is likely to cheat on you | The Independent #1. Flirtatiousness It makes sense that someone who once enjoyed flirting might not like the fact that they’re expected not to do so when in a monogamous relationship. A lot of cheaters flirt with everyone, even when they’re with their partners. They get a rush out of the exchange, and according to the experts, “this need for validation and feeling desired can eventually lead them to cheat on you.” Being friendly and charming is one thing, but flirting is another, so watch out. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 1, 2017 Posted November 1, 2017 Stop accusing him of stuff he's not doing. If you don't eventually he's going to do it because he's already getting in trouble for it so why not either dump you or do it, anyway? The consequences to him are the same. He's good, you yell. He's bad, you yell. He will want the yelling to stop. So to make that happen he gets rid of you. See where this is going. Do get your doctor to adjust your meds. Start exercising. Apologize to him for being off & suspicious. Make home a happy welcoming place. Cook dinner. Be sexy, including new lingerie & BJs. It's not that tough to make a man feel appreciated but you have to try. 4
kendahke Posted November 1, 2017 Posted November 1, 2017 I started taking some new medicines You may need to talk to your doctor to get your medication adjusted because it sounds like from what you wrote that all this drama didn't start until you began the meds that made you put on weight. Until you do get the meds adjusted, you're going to have to count to 100 before you open your mouth to do damage to him because people are only going to take so much abuse before they decide that being with you is probably not a good investment of their time and energy. He's told you that you're pushing him away and what did you do? You gave him a series of additional shoves instead of stopping yourself and examining your behavior and why you're doing what you're doing. You are giving him no good reason to want to return texts because all that's waiting from you is a fight--and most likely, he wants peace and doesn't want a confrontation. If you keep going in this vein, you're going to bring about exactly what you don't want: being left for someone who knows how to control her tongue. 1
Highndry Posted November 1, 2017 Posted November 1, 2017 Stop accusing him of stuff he's not doing. If you don't eventually he's going to do it because he's already getting in trouble for it so why not either dump you or do it, anyway? The consequences to him are the same. He's good, you yell. He's bad, you yell. He will want the yelling to stop. So to make that happen he gets rid of you. See where this is going. Do get your doctor to adjust your meds. Start exercising. Apologize to him for being off & suspicious. Make home a happy welcoming place. Cook dinner. Be sexy, including new lingerie & BJs. It's not that tough to make a man feel appreciated but you have to try. This is it in a nutshell. You need to start treating him right immediately, while working on yourself. Get back to the person he fell in love with. If you think moving out and creating space is going to magically fix things, you are off your rocker. I know as a man that it would drive a wedge right through the relationship and I would start looking elsewhere for my needs. 1
healing light Posted November 1, 2017 Posted November 1, 2017 Stop texting him for now. Talk to your doctor and get your meds adjusted--let them know it's making you paranoid. Eliminate as many processed foods from your diet as possible right now; the additives, dyes, and chemicals can make a huge difference in behavior for some sensitive people, in addition to the added bonus of making it easier to drop the weight and heal yourself. Do not move your stuff out. That is an extreme overreaction and will likely deliver to you the exact opposite of what you want. I would back off as much as possible in terms of the angry texts and accusations. Even if that means you have to turn off your phone for a while and get engaged in other activities like a hobby or bubble bath or movie, etc. Right now it sounds like all your energy is encircling him in a control cycle. No one is going to react well to feeling like all of your happiness is dependent on their every move. You need to disperse your focus on him. Anything less will be self-sabotage.
Author littlesquirrel Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 My advice is to not guess at what he needs. Ask him. Something like "I realise I've behaved terribly. What can I do to make this right with you?" Out of curiosity, what does he do which makes you remind him that he's not single? Just checking for red flags. Uhm, he's just flirting with other women... and he posts comments under some other chicks pictures like "you look gorgeous my love, beautiful queen as always" etc..., he talks to some women like that too, which I personally hate.
Author littlesquirrel Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 I'm not a control freak, I am kind of jealous now yes... plus I've got trust issues because of my previous relationships... seriously, I don't know if I'm just unlucky or I simply choose the wrong guys. I am a little over sensitive and I always know when something is wrong. I caught him lying few times and I just found out he's got a second phone, second whatsapp - to make matters worse, he blocked my number there. I just can't take it anymore, I don't trust him so I packed and moved out. I'm not sure what's next, I know I need time for myself. 1
kendahke Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 (edited) Uhm, he's just flirting with other women... and he posts comments under some other chicks pictures like "you look gorgeous my love, beautiful queen as always" etc..., he talks to some women like that too, which I personally hate. then he's checked out of your relationship. It's over except for the breaking up. Have you made the appointment with your doctor yet? plus I've got trust issues because of my previous relationships... seriously, I don't know if I'm just unlucky or I simply choose the wrong guys. I am a little over sensitive and I always know when something is wrong. I caught him lying few times and I just found out he's got a second phone, second whatsapp - to make matters worse, he blocked my number there. I just can't take it anymore, I don't trust him so I packed and moved out. I'm not sure what's next, I know I need time for myself. Yep. He's checked out. Glad you moved out--that was the healthiest thing you could have done for yourself. Don't allow him back in because he's a liar and you will never be able to trust that he doesn't have even more phones and other whatsapp accounts. You're out, so keep on running away from him. Edited November 13, 2017 by kendahke 1
Author littlesquirrel Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 then he's checked out of your relationship. It's over except for the breaking up. Have you made the appointment with your doctor yet? Yep. He's checked out. Glad you moved out--that was the healthiest thing you could have done for yourself. Don't allow him back in because he's a liar and you will never be able to trust that he doesn't have even more phones and other WhatsApp accounts. You're out, so keep on running away from him. You know what was his reaction like? "wtf are you talking about, I've been good and loyal all this time, why do you think I'm not loyal etc..." He told me that's his business phone and he can't remember blocking me on whatsapp and maybe he did that "by accident"... yeah right. Btw, I know a couple (they're married) which her husband is constantly cheating on her, he was cheating before marriage, and he's cheating now, even though they just had a baby. She trusts him, and she gives him "his space" and being cheated on. All those years and she has NO IDEA I don't wanna have the husband like hers.
Author littlesquirrel Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 Have you made the appointment with your doctor yet? Yes, my doctor changed the dosage, I can't see any difference so far...
elaine567 Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 My guess is that your mental state will improve markedly now you do not have to worry about all his female friends and his lack of boundaries... 1
Author littlesquirrel Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 My guess is that your mental state will improve markedly now you do not have to worry about all his female friends and his lack of boundaries... Yeah..., but I already miss him, I keep telling myself "he's not who you thought he was".... it helps
Author littlesquirrel Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 BTW talk of marriage/kids are not to be taken as promises...it's just talk. It's a promise with the ring is on the finger and the flowers are being ordered. Actions speak louder than words... I have to keep reminding this to myself.
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