bpb5030 Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 For those going through the same pain that I am… Let it shape us into who we were meant to be My coping mechanism for every breakup that I go through is to read other’s internet posts, finding reassurance in the fact that I’m not the only one going through this. It helps ease the pain when it’s at its worst. So hopefully someone will benefit from this. I dated a woman for 3 months. We broke up 2 weeks ago. I screwed up. I hurt her very deeply and the guilt and shame hurts just as badly if not worse than the pain of no longer being with her. I had some hesitation going into the relationship. Fear of commitment, fear of having the same sexual partner (prior I was having casual sex which was enjoyable however it was starting to get old). I also questioned my physical attraction to her. We met through tinder. When I first saw her I remember saying to myself, “she’s ok, let’s give this date a shot and see what happens.” We ended up going naturally closer over the next few months and I began to appreciate her more and more. I still had my hesitation with her physical attraction, but the sex was getting better and better, the communication was great, and we could really connect. At a certain point I told myself this woman was so great that I’d commit myself to her, so we became exclusive. One week prior to the breakup right after we had sex she asked me if I found her physically attractive. I can’t lie, so instead I dodged the question saying, “my penis thinks you are.” She picked up on my lack of a direct response and pressed me a bit further until I just blurted out, “yes, yes I think you are attractive,” and with that we went to bed. One week later we were out to dinner. We were having a great time, holding hands, etc. She asks me again if I think she’s physically attractive. I’m completely caught off guard by this question, I don’t think well “on my feet,” and I can’t lie. Recipe for disaster. I don’t remember exactly what I said but it was something along the lines of, “well I was getting tired of all the random sex on tinder, and with you I see that quality is better than quantity.” I didn’t answer the question directly, and this time she wanted a direct answer, so I said the 3 words that nailed my coffin shut, “you’re attractive enough.” Immediately I realized it was over. She went to the bathroom, who knows if she just cried or cursed me. Came back, the rest of the meal was basically in silence, car ride home in silence. And when she got back to my place she grabbed her stuff and left. I tried to tell her that everything else was great about her and she said something along the lines of “that doesn’t matter.” AKA “piss off.” I remember the last statement right before she drove off in her car as she was tearing up. “I really tried. I don’t know whether to beat the **** out of you or drive away.” Luckily for me she drove away. That night I was in so much shock I couldn’t think. However the next day I realized how deeply I hurt her with a comment like that. What I said was a verbal dagger to the heart that can remain with a person for her entire lifetime. I left a greeting card with an apology and stating how wonderful she was and how thoughtless my comments were and badly I screwed up. Part of me wanted her back even though I know that’s not a possibility. However that was the least that I could do for her after hurting her so badly. It’s now just over 2 weeks and understandably she has not contacted me. I’m writing this because maybe it can help ease the pain of men who screwed up as badly as I did and give the women that were hurt by such harsh words some solace. I realize how badly I hurt this woman who did so much for me. What I said was inexcusable and she rightfully may never speak to me again. However this occurrence has begun a process that’s time for me to undergo. Before explaining that process, perhaps this could ease the pain: Hurtful comments such as what I said are no reflection on you. What I said was a reflection on my struggles with figuring out what I need out of a relationship and how to express that. I also struggle with tact. I like the fact that I can’t lie however I realize now that there are softer ways to express thoughts/feelings so they are not as devastating. Second, my comments were an attempt to uphold my strong value on honesty however I have no concept of tact. Even with my best efforts to treat women better, I have severely underestimated how important this skill is. Third, I settled. I was tired of the casual sex, I hit it off very well with this woman and tried to overcome the fact that I was not totally attracted to her. I have trouble believing that I can find the “total package.” Maybe it could have worked if the circumstances were different, but now I realize that settling for any reason is doing a disservice to myself and the person that I am dating. If I can’t fully accept someone for all of her attributes as well as her drawbacks then the relationship will be doomed to fail. Finally, about my process. I quickly realized how wrong my words were. I have shed many tears over how much pain I caused. However the sooner I can stop beating myself up and accept myself as a flawed human being who is trying his best the quicker I can forgive (not forget, forgive) myself and move on to being a better man. This pain is horrendous, I realize it may linger for a while. However it is a gift that I am grateful for. It has allowed me to look at myself honestly and realize exactly what area I need work in. If I do the work that’s required to change, no woman will ever be hurt like this again. In being able to forgive myself and see myself as a fallible human being who makes mistakes, I have been more forgiving, gentle, and empathetic towards others during these past 2 weeks than I have ever been before. I would not be able to make these deep changes without this pain. There’s no way to avoid it, so I may as well own it, examine it and help it mold me into the best man that I can be. There’s a page in the book, “Daily Reflections: A Book of Reflections by AA Members for AA Members (p. 302, Oct 20).” Yes I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am using the tools that I’ve been taught to get through this. There is mention of “God” however you do not have to believe in “God” to understand the message: “The concept of God was one that I struggled with during my early years of sobriety. The images that came to me, conjured from my past, were heavy with fear, rejection and condemnation. Then I heard my friend Ed’s image of a Higher Power: As a boy he had been allowed a litter of puppies, provided that he assume responsibility for their care. Each morning he would find the unavoidable “byproducts” of the puppies on the kitchen floor. Despite frustration, Ed said he couldn’t get angry because “that’s the nature of puppies.” Ed felt that God viewed our defects and shortcomings with a similar understanding and warmth. I’ve found solace from my personal confusion in Ed’s calming concept of God.” Yours in pain, fear and hope, Brandon
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