DatingLo Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 (edited) My ex-girlfriend broke up with me about 1 year ago because I have to move cities for work in the future (1 yr from now). Originally she would have moved with me, but later on in the relationship she said was going to have to break up unless i could offer getting engaged (if we do she would move with me). She just said that she is older and doesn't have time to spare if she is not offered marriage basically. I told her I thought of her as a wife, but it's too early to get engaged (we dated for 6 months). Also she had issues with paranoia - she always thought I was cheating and that I was interested in casual sex over love (not the case). She also had mood swings, when she was depressed she would question the relationship, question if we shared the same values, but not be able to point to what these were. When her mood was normal it was a very loving and kind relationship. The rejection from when she was depressed and paranoid took a toll on my personal health and I got addicted to games (mostly my fault). She thought I was cheating on her because sometimes I would take like 6 hrs sometimes to respond to her texts. But I felt like I was walking on eggshells and sometimes I didn't know what to say to her. We kept in contact after breaking up and 6 months after breaking up she wanted to meet in person. We met and I was super sad the whole time, because I missed her and still cared about her. She basically said the same thing this time, that she broke up because we didn't get engaged. After the meeting she became super childish and mean. She texted me that I crapped on her during the meeting (when really I was just greiving the breakup). Maybe she was just upset I didn't offer more. Now I've tried to move forward, tried to date, but just haven't found anyone close to her. I haven't thought about her all the time, but there have definitely been moments where I've missed her. Once in a while we contact eachother (and it's by email). Her last email was brief, basically she asked what's new and said she thinks she saw my online dating profile (which she did), and she met a guy there shes been seeing for 1month and she will see how it goes. I'm not sure how to respond to her. I wan't to keep things open so there's still the possibility we can see eachother in the future if shes single again (and possibly get engaged after spending more time together). I was very much in love with her. I also want to create space for myself for the possibility to move on, possibly date other girls, or maybe just be ok with being single until I sort out some important things for my life and career. How should I respond, and proceed with being open about the future? Edited October 31, 2017 by DatingLo
PegNosePete Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 My ex-girlfriend broke up with me about 1 year ago because I have to move cities for work in the future (1 yr from now). Hang on - you've been broken up a year, and you're moving 1 year from now? So after dating for 6 months, she broke up with you because you would have to move cities for work 2 years in the future?? That doesn't sound like a genuine reason to me. More likely she simply didn't want to be in the relationship any more, for whatever reason. And yeah, you were totally right to not get engaged when she laid down her ultimatum. It's a ridiculous thing for her to say. Getting engaged would not have fixed her paranoia, depression or low self esteem. I'm not sure how to respond to her. I wan't to keep things open so there's still the possibility we can see eachother in the future if shes single again (and possibly get engaged after spending more time together). I was very much in love with her. Look yo need to move on. she is part of your past. You're putting your life and holding yourself back, for someone who is clearly not putting themselves on hold for you. The best thing you can do now is to not reply to her at all. Realise that it is over and move on.
Author DatingLo Posted October 31, 2017 Author Posted October 31, 2017 No it's complicated. Back then I had to move in 6 months, but my work plans were changed and it's looking like ill have to move in 1 year now. (due to uncertainty for my work). It was a major reason for sure, she didn't want to get further involved if I was moving, or possibly because of the uncertainty in my career as well. Ideally she would have been ok with this but many relationships end because somebody has to move cities/countries. She told me she had strong feelings for me and she never had feelings this strong for someone before. I think my biggest mistake was giving her too much power to act out and so she didn't have to address her issues and insecurities. If I had higher self-esteem and confidence myself I probably would have been in a better position of power to address these things. I'm not giving up on her, but I won't put effort in her either. Just because she's dating someone for 1 month doesn't mean she moved on. I think my best bet is to keep my options open and date. Maybe in the future she will realize what she is missing, and by then I might have found someone more suitable or we may meet up. It's not really certain. 1
HumanMachine Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 I'm not giving up on her, but I won't put effort in her either. Just because she's dating someone for 1 month doesn't mean she moved on. I think my best bet is to keep my options open and date. Maybe in the future she will realize what she is missing, and by then I might have found someone more suitable or we may meet up. It's not really certain. Just move on man.. it’s clear she is not into you, live your life, meet new people.. all the best..
edem Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 I hear ya' man. If it were me, I'd do the following. Open up Microsoft Word and write two papers: One for the relationship and one against it. Make two separate documents. Argue both sides--why it was a good relationship and why you should try again. Then write the opposite--what drove you nuts and why you should stay away. Then compare the two papers. I hope this helps!
Author DatingLo Posted November 3, 2017 Author Posted November 3, 2017 Thanks I weighed out the pros and cons. It's a really difficult time for me as she was very loving and kind. I think there's a good chance she will contact me in the future if I keep my distance. I'm not sure this is a good thing as her mood instability/insecurities caused me alot of pain. Right now, I am focused on dating, meeting new people and self improvement. The main CONS I have to be concerned about: Hot/Cold or wavering loyalty: I read over my texts and they shifted from hot/cold so many times. Being extremely warm, loving then rejecting and saying im not sure we are compatible with no logic. Lack of communication/unwillingness to improve flaws or mistakes - Often she would just throw a tantrum instead, focus on mistakes I made, and threat cutting off the relationship. Asexual - she said she is asexual and needs someone who is asexual, and this was her main point of rejection for me when going hot/cold. She would degradingly say I take sex lightly/casually instead of for love/intimacy which is not true. I'm quite certain she was not asexual. Her main problem with me not being asexual is that she is worried she would be cheated on (anxiety). 1
HumanMachine Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 Thanks I weighed out the pros and cons. It's a really difficult time for me as she was very loving and kind. The main CONS I have to be concerned about: Hot/Cold or wavering loyalty: I read over my texts and they shifted from hot/cold so many times. Being extremely warm, loving then rejecting and saying im not sure we are compatible with no logic. Lack of communication/unwillingness to improve flaws or mistakes - Often she would just throw a tantrum instead, focus on mistakes I made, and threat cutting off the relationship. Asexual - she said she is asexual and needs someone who is asexual, and this was her main point of rejection for me when going hot/cold. She would degradingly say I take sex lightly/casually instead of for love/intimacy which is not true. I'm quite certain she was not asexual. Her main problem with me not being asexual is that she is worried she would be cheated on (anxiety). I see one ‘pro’ and a list of cons. You do not want her to contact you. 1
whatnot Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 something tells me....you'll make the right woman....fortunate
BarbedFenceRider Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 she doesn't want to wait and slow down before marriage, but wants someone asexual....Okay, she wants someone like her dad. She wants to be forever parented and have someone to bully around. Many more fish in the sea bud. Move along, also, I don't like that your work situation involves traveling to new cities, but you can't get an honest timeframe for moving and upending your life. Unless your military of course. You might want to check in with that.... 1
Author DatingLo Posted November 6, 2017 Author Posted November 6, 2017 Well I only focused on the cons mostly because they probably were dealbreakers for me and focusing on her positives will likely not help me move on. It's complicated, I basically did not have any relationship experience before her so I made many mistakes, which possibly turned her off. I was not acting confident in myself or my future, I was acting needy, I told her I loved her way too much. My insecurities were likely a turnoff. Also I became comfortable in the relationship and things became routine, and I didn't do "special things" for her. We kept in contact by email and shes been emailing me recently, basically to say she doesn't like dating in general, she thinks she would be ok being alone for the rest of her life. Possibly she is trying bait me to say I have feelings for her, not sure (but it would would not be wise). Breaking contact would be good but the trouble with that is she is my best friend too.
PegNosePete Posted November 6, 2017 Posted November 6, 2017 I only focused on the cons mostly because they probably were dealbreakers for me If they are dealbreakers then why are you still considering doing a deal with her? If they are dealbreakers then they BREAK the deal and you need to move on. I basically did not have any relationship experience before her so I made many mistakes, which possibly turned her off. Nothing you mention points to her being turned off. It points to her not being a good match for you. The only mistake you made was to NOT see the red flags earlier. But, that is a common mistake when you're young and have little relationship experience so don't beat yourself up about it'. Most people have probably done the same thing, myself included. Possibly she is trying bait me to say I have feelings for her, not sure She is using you as an emotional tampon. Time to move on. 1
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