wildflowerss Posted October 29, 2017 Posted October 29, 2017 (edited) Hello all. My boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago after me being abroad (year abroad for university course) for 6 weeks. We had been together for two years. They were the best two years of both of our lives and we honestly were so happy. His reasoning was that he no longer felt the same way about me (I am guessing this is because of the distance). I went straight into no contact for 14 days, but I was planning on a visit back home to our university town so we ended up meeting for a drink after I reached out to him (it felt odd that I was back in the country after not having seen him for over a month to not at least meet up). The meet up went really well and we were getting on, chatting and acting as if everything was absolutely fine. We sat in the pub and he even put his arm round me and started getting really upset and crying. I said that we could go back to his and talk things through as we felt uncomfortable getting so upset in public. At his we ended up cuddling and kissing quite intensely but nothing more. He even said 'you never know, in 6 months I could realise I have made a big mistake' but that he doesn't regret his decision at the moment. We ended up chatting for a while and then I left after an emotional goodbye. We only had one drink each so I don't think alcohol was the reason for his actions. Clearly this has left me very confused. I have flown back to my placement abroad and it is all I can think about. I am so down and I can't enjoy myself at all. I keep thinking that he is going to change his mind. I am currently in no contact again but am unsure whether to reach out and ask him if he is really sure about this after what happened last week back at home. It just makes me so angry and sad that after everything we have shared and the deep love we have had for one another that he does not want to fight for us. Thank you, any advice is greatly appreciated... Edited October 29, 2017 by wildflowerss
Zahara Posted October 29, 2017 Posted October 29, 2017 Stay NC. This is pretty usually behavior for dumpers. You were in town, he felt nostalgic, you met up and that was that. All that "you don't know what can happen" are words dumpers use to keep the dumpee on the back burner. It's also a way to alleviate the dumpee's hurt. 1
Author wildflowerss Posted October 29, 2017 Author Posted October 29, 2017 Thanks Zahara. I plan to stay NC. It is just so so hard to not contact him as his actions have given me hope I suppose. But yes, you are right he was probably just feeling nostalgic. If he really wanted to get back with me he would let me know and if he really loved me we would not be in this position in the first place. It's so hard to think that my bestfriend could treat me this way but I just need to stay strong. What a dickhead for being intimate with me and giving me this false hope!
d0nnivain Posted October 29, 2017 Posted October 29, 2017 It's the distance. Enjoy your adventure. See where you are when you return to campus permanently.
Author wildflowerss Posted October 29, 2017 Author Posted October 29, 2017 Thanks D0nnivain. It is such a shame but I suppose you are right. Even the strongest of couples can be broken apart by long distance. It is clear that he really does care (although the kissing was a very unfair thing to do) just not enough. At the moment he does not regret his decision and he has made his mind up. Long distance really does suck. On the bright side, I am in a beautiful country, blue skies everyday and surfing every weekend whilst learning a whole new language. Now is the time to focus on myself no matter how hard it may be at the moment. I have faith that it will get easier and if we are meant to be then when I move back home we will find each other again. Maybe by then I won't even want him although that does seem like an crazy concept to me at the moment! 2
Author wildflowerss Posted October 29, 2017 Author Posted October 29, 2017 I just cannot stop thinking that I should phone him after last week. Ask him to at least try and salvage the relationship before giving up on something so great? He hasn't even tried. I know I know I should stay NC but why can I not get this thought out of my head??
ExpatInItaly Posted October 29, 2017 Posted October 29, 2017 I just cannot stop thinking that I should phone him after last week. Ask him to at least try and salvage the relationship before giving up on something so great? He hasn't even tried. I know I know I should stay NC but why can I not get this thought out of my head?? Because you're hurting and didn't want this break-up. It's not fun, but it's entirely normal under the circumstances. It's still a fairly fresh wound too. The truth is that he doesn't want to salvage it right now. I know you know this, but you need to keep that in mind every time you get the urge to reach out. He knows how to find you if he has a change of heart.
d0nnivain Posted October 29, 2017 Posted October 29, 2017 Calling him won't fix things. He said his feelings changed. He initiated the break up; therefore he is the only one who can initiate a reconciliation. You will talk to him & feel worse then you do now. You have this year abroad to concentrate on. Do that. Don't squander the cultural opportunities pining for him. 1
Author wildflowerss Posted October 29, 2017 Author Posted October 29, 2017 Because you're hurting and didn't want this break-up. It's not fun, but it's entirely normal under the circumstances. It's still a fairly fresh wound too. The truth is that he doesn't want to salvage it right now. I know you know this, but you need to keep that in mind every time you get the urge to reach out. He knows how to find you if he has a change of heart. You are completely right. Thank you. Got to stay strong! Hopefully these feelings will become less and less with time. There is nothing I can do now, it is all down to him and I need to keep reminding myself that. Thank you! 1
Author wildflowerss Posted October 29, 2017 Author Posted October 29, 2017 (edited) Calling him won't fix things. He said his feelings changed. He initiated the break up; therefore he is the only one who can initiate a reconciliation. You will talk to him & feel worse then you do now. You have this year abroad to concentrate on. Do that. Don't squander the cultural opportunities pining for him. Yes, I need to remind myself that it will make me feel worse to talk to him when I get these feelings. I know that it will just set me back. I suppose it really is like an addiction! You are right, the last thing I want is to look back in ten years time and see that I let some man ruin my once in a lifetime opportunity. Although my brain is telling me it's worth it for him because I love him so much I have to tell myself it isn't really. I'm not going to let someone who doesn't even love me anymore ruin this experience as much as it hurts... Thank you! Edited October 29, 2017 by wildflowerss
springy Posted October 29, 2017 Posted October 29, 2017 You should have stayed nc, and this is why. He knows where you stand and has stated he does not regret his choice. Let him come to you if he changes his mind.
Author wildflowerss Posted October 29, 2017 Author Posted October 29, 2017 You should have stayed nc, and this is why. He knows where you stand and has stated he does not regret his choice. Let him come to you if he changes his mind. You're right. Everyone (family and friends) advised me against seeing him too, but that's an addiction for you. It has just left me confused. I will continue to stay NC, and when I get the urge to contact him I will come back here and read these replies. Part of me is hoping that NC will cause him to change his mind although I know it is entirely possible that he will not. I just hope that if he does not I will be able to move on/will be moving on already.
Author wildflowerss Posted October 30, 2017 Author Posted October 30, 2017 (edited) So I'm having a difficult night again tonight. Getting the urge to contact him. I just keep thinking about the kissing and how it has to mean something, and that I just need to give him a kick up the arse to make him realise what he is doing and what he is giving up... He said during the meet up, before I left, that we should see each other over the Christmas period (when I am back in the country) and do a day trip together or something. Does this mean he is not sure and wants to reevaluate his feelings then? Or is he just being nice? I'm so angry at myself for not questioning him more about his decision when I saw him. Argh why is this so hard?? I want to be angry at him for confusing me like this but I feel like I could never be angry at him because I love him so much. Edited October 30, 2017 by wildflowerss
d0nnivain Posted October 30, 2017 Posted October 30, 2017 hang in there. Go for a walk. Don't sit in front of a communications device.
Beachead Posted October 30, 2017 Posted October 30, 2017 Hey OP, It will be hard for awhile. Just know that everything you are feeling is normal. We have all been there and many of us are currently dealing with our own breakups and feeling exactly what you are feeling. Everyday will be hard and it will get harder before it gets better. It may take several months just to accept what happened. Expect this, be realistic with yourself, don't rush and don't be hard on yourself. You lost a love. Your heart is broken. All I can tell you is don't contact him. He broke up with you and he had a chance to reconcile it when you came back but he threw the opportunity away. The only one who can make this whole again is him. It's out of your control. Don't chase after someone whom is no longer interested. Know your worth. You have the advantage here because you are in a new place. New experiences and new people are coming your way. The potential is endless. Take it day by day. Goodluck
Recommended Posts