joseb Posted October 30, 2017 Posted October 30, 2017 Seriously? After 2 months he should leave because she hasn't put out yet? I would. If I'm with someone for two months, and they don't want to have sex with me, either they don't fancy me much, or they have a low sex drive/sexual issues/hangups. In any case, its not something I'd want to pursue. 2
Els Posted October 30, 2017 Posted October 30, 2017 I would. If I'm with someone for two months, and they don't want to have sex with me, either they don't fancy me much, or they have a low sex drive/sexual issues/hangups. In any case, its not something I'd want to pursue. I could be wrong, but the way the OP describes his living arrangement sounds like they are living in a traditional culture, or at least are from one. In that case, 2 months is commonly considered quite early to be having sex.
Author JustSomeGuy001 Posted October 30, 2017 Author Posted October 30, 2017 No, I wouldn't say it's a traditional culture and for sure 2 months is not considered too early (quite the opposite I would say). I live in Bucharest, Romania. I saw a question here about what we do when we go out. Yes, we kiss, we hug, we touch each other. It's just the sex she seems to have problems with. And I think I wasn't very specific about sleepovers. She comes to my place. We watch movies, eat etc It's just that she is totally against staying at my home during the night. And yes, she could make the trip to my place (or from it) from time to time.. unfortunately, she always seems upset when I propose that she should come by herself like at the nearest metro station. I kinda feel trapped between my girlfriend who was so specific about her position and didn't leave much room for me to find a solution suitable for me too and my mother who is too overprotective and is always so vehement about me staying here and never moving out. I don't know what to do. On the short term I still believe her finding an apartment is the next step (with or without me helping with the bills). On the long term the only solution that would suit my needs, to be honest and trying to be as objective as I can is like I mentioned before having a second house built near the current one, with maybe a wall, so it'll be like 2 separate houses. This way I could be separated from my mom, but I wouldn't be too far from her and I would stay outside the city, like I always wanted. Is it bad from me to want this? If my girlfriend will say it's too far from her sister or work so she can't stay here, is it so bad from my side to breakup with her for this reason? I don't want to do it because I really like her and I know it's too early to think about this when we're only 2 months into the relationship, but I can't help but think about it.
d0nnivain Posted October 30, 2017 Posted October 30, 2017 When you marry, you need to put your new spouse 1st & your family of origin (your mom) second. I know you are no where near that but it is the traditional route. I think it would be unreasonable of you to force your GF to stay in your mom's house with your mom & extended family. I never had sleep overs with parents around until I was married. Even if your mom says she doesn't care, what she means (& what your GF fears) is that while it's OK for her son (you) to have sleepovers, any woman who would have pre-marital sex with a man is not virtuous enough to become her daughter-in-law. Even if your mom suspects you are sexually active, she does not need concrete proof in the form of your GF waking up in her home.
GunslingerRoland Posted October 30, 2017 Posted October 30, 2017 I know this is an international site, but it's also an English site and 95% of the people here are from America, Canada, England, Australia. I get a little annoyed when people come from other parts of the world and expect us to all understand the cultural nuances which are huge. Anyway, I've never been to Romania, and I don't know what is normal there now for dating, but here in the west it would be considered strange to start inviting a woman for sleep overs when you aren't having sex yet. It's also not typical to have sleep overs when you live with parents, but I know in Europe multi generational living is much more common. Still she's not interested in that right now, I think you need to drop it, like you are willing to do with the sex. Again, I know Europe is different,everything is closer, but travelling 30 minutes for a date, isn't that far. As for your family situation, I know the post isn't about that. But you really have to have some thought about what your life is going to be like. Your grand parents are old, but are your responsible for taking care of them? How far will this extend? Do they have months left or decades? And same for your mother, just because she is single, how long do you need to be responsible for her? I'm not saying you shouldn't live with your family, but it sounds like you may have resigned yourself to the rest of your life looking after aging relatives. That won't go well with starting a new life with someone.
Author JustSomeGuy001 Posted October 30, 2017 Author Posted October 30, 2017 I don't want to force her to stay in my mom's house.. that's why I'm saying on the long term I think having a different house seems a solution for me. It's a big house and big garden. We would be totally separated - different street numbers basically. Does it still count as living with my mother? The reason why I like this idea is not even related to my GF or my mom, it's my own desire to stay close to the city but not in the city, not in a flat with so little room as most flats have. Regarding GunslingerRoland's answer, I don't see how we could have sex if we don't sleepover. But like I said, she's not interested in sex at the moment. We slept together once in our little trip and we'll do it again at the wedding next Saturday. Just not sex. I'm not saying it's normal around here either, most people do sex when they first sleep together and maybe after the relationship gets older, they start having nights when they simply sleep, no sex involved. But it seems with her it's the opposite and for the moment I can accept that. I can understand people around here are English natives, but if I didn't feel 'English' enough I wouldn't post here.. I've been to a lot of countries and I believe people in Romania feel more American than most of the European countries. I really think all the pieces of advice I got here are really helpful and applicable to me.
d0nnivain Posted October 30, 2017 Posted October 30, 2017 Why don't you see how the out of town trip for the wedding goes. Understand, you will either have to get her to come to you in the morning or be inconvenienced & go get her early before you leave.
Cobra_X Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 I don't want to force her to stay in my mom's house.. that's why I'm saying on the long term I think having a different house seems a solution for me. It's a big house and big garden. We would be totally separated - different street numbers basically. Does it still count as living with my mother? The reason why I like this idea is not even related to my GF or my mom, it's my own desire to stay close to the city but not in the city, not in a flat with so little room as most flats have. Regarding GunslingerRoland's answer, I don't see how we could have sex if we don't sleepover. But like I said, she's not interested in sex at the moment. We slept together once in our little trip and we'll do it again at the wedding next Saturday. Just not sex. I'm not saying it's normal around here either, most people do sex when they first sleep together and maybe after the relationship gets older, they start having nights when they simply sleep, no sex involved. But it seems with her it's the opposite and for the moment I can accept that. I can understand people around here are English natives, but if I didn't feel 'English' enough I wouldn't post here.. I've been to a lot of countries and I believe people in Romania feel more American than most of the European countries. I really think all the pieces of advice I got here are really helpful and applicable to me. 2 months... that's a long time to wait. I mean unless there are any religious objections you guys should be getting more physical. If she doesn't want to sleep with you then there is an attraction problem. Or maybe a crazy problem. Also... You can't let your mom run your life. You should move out. It will help you no matter who you date.
kendahke Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 Seriously? After 2 months he should leave because she hasn't put out yet? No. He should leave because she said this: I asked if the short term is still not over and she said that she doesn't think it'll ever be over, it has nothing to do with putting out. It has to do with basically forcing him to settle for friendzone with someone he wishes to consider a lover. She wants something other than what he wants and right now is the time to cut her loose so he can find someone who isn't trying to force him into the friendzone and she needs to find a guy who is only after being in the friendzone. OP--it's time to move out. Your mother cannot run your life for you and you need to find your stones and stand up to her--otherwise, you're always a child who doesn't know any better instead of a man who knows his own mind.
Els Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 On the long term the only solution that would suit my needs, to be honest and trying to be as objective as I can is like I mentioned before having a second house built near the current one, with maybe a wall, so it'll be like 2 separate houses. This way I could be separated from my mom, but I wouldn't be too far from her and I would stay outside the city, like I always wanted. Is it bad from me to want this? If my girlfriend will say it's too far from her sister or work so she can't stay here, is it so bad from my side to breakup with her for this reason? I don't want to do it because I really like her and I know it's too early to think about this when we're only 2 months into the relationship, but I can't help but think about it. I'm not from Romania so I'm not sure what the cultural expectations are there, but I'm from a culture where loyalty to parents is a big thing and I would still think VERY long and hard about getting into anything long-term with a man who absolutely HAD to live in the same plot of land as his mother for the rest of her life. I'm not blaming you - you should do whatever you feel is right for you to do in that aspect - but I suspect that's going to be a hard sell for most women. It's possible that you may have to delay having a LTR until you have the freedom to move - not ideal, but we all have to make sacrifices for our choices. Of course, you shouldn't leave just for a girlfriend of 2 months either. I know this is an international site, but it's also an English site and 95% of the people here are from America, Canada, England, Australia. I get a little annoyed when people come from other parts of the world and expect us to all understand the cultural nuances which are huge. Why should Western European culture or nationality automatically be considered the default just because the site is in the English language? Plenty of other cultures speak and write English just fine, as several people on this thread have demonstrated. I frankly find this attitude quite xenophobic and am surprised at reading this from you. If you don't know what culture someone is from and their profile doesn't mention it, why not just ask?
Author JustSomeGuy001 Posted October 31, 2017 Author Posted October 31, 2017 I'm not from Romania so I'm not sure what the cultural expectations are there, but I'm from a culture where loyalty to parents is a big thing and I would still think VERY long and hard about getting into anything long-term with a man who absolutely HAD to live in the same plot of land as his mother for the rest of her life. I'm not blaming you - you should do whatever you feel is right for you to do in that aspect - but I suspect that's going to be a hard sell for most women. No, you are right, it's not something usual in Romania either, to stay all your life with your parents. Most young people who are not from big cities leave their parents when they start college and they never go back to their parents house. My GF is in the same situation - she's not from Bucharest. It's just that I live as close as it gets to the city without actually living in a flat. And at least in the village where I'm from, most of the people when they enter a long term relationship with someone from the city, it's the person from the city who moves to their partner here, at the edge of the city. It's probably because Bucharest is overcrowded, flats are small, almost no place for parking etc I can think of several neighbours who got married and now they live here. We're 10 minutes of walking from the city, 20 minutes of walking from the nearest metro. Moreover, on one hand I spent so much money on improvements here. For example, building a garage, me being the only one having a driver's license. On the other, I'm really fastidious, I like having a lot of space. I want to fit my treadmill, my table tennis table, my bike, I wanted to buy a billiards table, where will I put them in a flat? So, it's not 100% percent about my mother. I can live in a different plot of land, but the land itself is so expensive here I could never afford it. Maybe by building a new house in my plot of land will be affordable, I don't know. And talking about cultural differences, I think the only thing not applicable to Romania is people waiting for wedding in order to have sex. Other than very religious people like priests and their wives, this is something that almost never happen here. So I'm pretty sure it's not this reason for her not wanting to have sex. It must be something else, I don't know what. I think I need to wait a little more. Some advice on how long should I wait would be really appreciated.. IMO more than 3 months will be too much, but I'm not very experienced with this to be honest.
Cobra_X Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 And talking about cultural differences, I think the only thing not applicable to Romania is people waiting for wedding in order to have sex. Other than very religious people like priests and their wives, this is something that almost never happen here. So I'm pretty sure it's not this reason for her not wanting to have sex. It must be something else, I don't know what. I think I need to wait a little more. Some advice on how long should I wait would be really appreciated.. IMO more than 3 months will be too much, but I'm not very experienced with this to be honest. It has been too long already. Any woman that was actually attracted to you would be tearing your clothes off. Marry this woman and there is a good chance you wind up trapped in a No Sex Marriage. Also this will leave an opening for any guy she DOES find attractive.
kendahke Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 It must be something else, I don't know what. I think I need to wait a little more. Some advice on how long should I wait would be really appreciated.. IMO more than 3 months will be too much, but I'm not very experienced with this to be honest. What would happen if you got a nice hotel room for a weekend with her---completely away from your family and your house. Would she still not have sex with you? If not, then you need to take what she said seriously: I asked if the short term is still not over and she said that she doesn't think it'll ever be over, She's not having sex with you. So proceed with caution with her--she only wants a friend, not a lover.
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 What would happen if you got a nice hotel room for a weekend with her---completely away from your family and your house. Would she still not have sex with you? I think he's doing that with this upcoming out of town trip for somebody else's wedding.
elaine567 Posted October 31, 2017 Posted October 31, 2017 She had a very bad experience in childhood at home with her parents and her grandparents who live together. She doesn't like her father at all (I'm actually afraid it could be more, like a trauma or something) and moreover, their parents always fight with their grandparents at home. So she said this is the only reason she doesn't want to sleepover at my place, it's something she could never do. Moreover, she has a twin sister and my place is very far away from her sister. Not liking her father is a red flag, as is the constant fighting at home and the not being able to move far from her twin sister. None of these things make her good marriage material for you, think carefully before you get too involved. Not to mention the no sex and this "I asked if the short term is still not over and she said that she doesn't think it'll ever be over." Cut youir losses and run is my advice, there are too many "issues" here for this to turn out well.
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