Girlfriend not wanting to spend the night at my house

[JustSomeGuy001]

I've been in a relationship now for 2 months.

I live in a house, pretty big I would say and she lives in a college dormitory.

I live with my mom and 2 of my grandparents, she lives with 2 colleagues.

 

We've never had sex. 3 weeks ago we went to a trip, spent one night together but she told me even before the trip that I must promise we'll not have sex. I agreed, of course I can wait a little more if that's what she wants.

 

But I told her that we should spend the night together at least from time to time, for example when it suits us both. I told her that my mom wouldn't say a thing, we don't need to have sex until she wants to and that it's a big house, it's no problem living there together at least now at the beginning of our relationship. She said not on the short term.

 

Next Saturday we will go to a wedding, but it's in another city so we need to go very early in the morning. I told her it's best for us both to leave from the same place, so maybe she wants to stay with me on Friday night. She said no. I asked if the short term is still not over and she said that she doesn't think it'll ever be over, she doesn't want to stay even 1 night in the same place with my mother.

 

On the other hand she's been alone in the dormitory a lot of times, but never asked me to stay.

 

Does she want us to move together in a different place just like that, without even spending some nights together at our places before? Could it be she's never had sex and she's just too afraid? Or maybe she simply likes that I spend money with her but she doesn't like me (which I really don't think so - I feel she likes me)?

 

What should I do?

[GemmaUK]

How does she get on with your mother and grandparents?

 

You say the house is big, how many bedrooms does it have?

 

In one sense you seem to be pushing a little - if she stayed in one of the spare rooms what are the chances you'd be knocking on her door when you think everyone is asleep?

[fred123]

I've been in a relationship now for 2 months.

I live in a house, pretty big I would say and she lives in a college dormitory.

I live with my mom and 2 of my grandparents, she lives with 2 colleagues.

 

We've never had sex. 3 weeks ago we went to a trip, spent one night together but she told me even before the trip that I must promise we'll not have sex. I agreed, of course I can wait a little more if that's what she wants.

 

But I told her that we should spend the night together at least from time to time, for example when it suits us both. I told her that my mom wouldn't say a thing, we don't need to have sex until she wants to and that it's a big house, it's no problem living there together at least now at the beginning of our relationship. She said not on the short term.

 

Next Saturday we will go to a wedding, but it's in another city so we need to go very early in the morning. I told her it's best for us both to leave from the same place, so maybe she wants to stay with me on Friday night. She said no. I asked if the short term is still not over and she said that she doesn't think it'll ever be over, she doesn't want to stay even 1 night in the same place with my mother.

 

On the other hand she's been alone in the dormitory a lot of times, but never asked me to stay.

 

Does she want us to move together in a different place just like that, without even spending some nights together at our places before? Could it be she's never had sex and she's just too afraid? Or maybe she simply likes that I spend money with her but she doesn't like me (which I really don't think so - I feel she likes me)?

 

What should I do?

 

Just stop. Stop. Why would you date this person? Ur needs arent met. Shes too difficult and probs dont like you so much. Just why?! Leave.

[act00]

I've been in a relationship now for 2 months.

I live in a house, pretty big I would say and she lives in a college dormitory.

I live with my mom and 2 of my grandparents, she lives with 2 colleagues.

 

We've never had sex. 3 weeks ago we went to a trip, spent one night together but she told me even before the trip that I must promise we'll not have sex. I agreed, of course I can wait a little more if that's what she wants.

 

But I told her that we should spend the night together at least from time to time, for example when it suits us both. I told her that my mom wouldn't say a thing, we don't need to have sex until she wants to and that it's a big house, it's no problem living there together at least now at the beginning of our relationship. She said not on the short term.

 

Next Saturday we will go to a wedding, but it's in another city so we need to go very early in the morning. I told her it's best for us both to leave from the same place, so maybe she wants to stay with me on Friday night. She said no. I asked if the short term is still not over and she said that she doesn't think it'll ever be over, she doesn't want to stay even 1 night in the same place with my mother.

 

On the other hand she's been alone in the dormitory a lot of times, but never asked me to stay.

 

Does she want us to move together in a different place just like that, without even spending some nights together at our places before? Could it be she's never had sex and she's just too afraid? Or maybe she simply likes that I spend money with her but she doesn't like me (which I really don't think so - I feel she likes me)?

 

What should I do?

 

What do you mean by living together? Do you expect her to move in with you (and your family) when you barely know each other? Has she expressed she expects you to move in together in your own place?

 

Neither of you has the most ideal living situation, and it's awkward thinking about sex and sleepovers when your MOM is in the next room, let alone your grandparents, especially when you're young. I know a few people who have a parent living with them, and have even have their adult child as a roommate, and it works, but there has to be a graduation from child/parent to friend/roommate, and I have no idea what the situation is with you or how comfortable SHE is with it. The dorm probably is less ideal. Does she share a room? I've known many roommate situations where strangers do not come to the house until the relationship is more on the long-term...no guests. Does your GF have this type of arrangement, or is she just weirded out over the whole sex when other people live there too situation?

 

I would encourage some times to hang out at your place, just for dinner, movie, and no sleepovers, so that she can be more comfortable with the household. It would be nice if she did the same, but it doesn't sound like this is going to happen with her place, but if she could get more comfortable at your place, it's a start.

 

You have no idea what her past sexual experience is. This seems like a topic worth having - what she wants, what her and your expectations are, and how to maneuver around your living arrangements. I can certainly expect no sex in the hotel when you were barely a month into the relationship, but you're at a place now where this is going to become an issue. It would be nice to have some guidelines, and I don't mean DETAIL about her or your sexual history, but you have no idea if she's ever had sex at all or what she's thinking.

[darkmoon]

why does she dislike your mother?

[BaileyB]

I don't blame her for not wanting to stay over in a house shared by your mother and grandmothers. If you were my boyfriend, there would be no sex or sleepovers happening either. I'm sure they are very nice people. I just can't imagine how uncomfortable it would be to get up the next morning and see your mother.

 

If you want a girl to spend the night and have sex with you, spend some money on a hotel room (after the wedding). Or, move out.

[todreaminblue]

i think there's a level of respect that needs to be in place and shown and often is in place and shown.... when sleeping in a bfs mothers house or a grandparents house....where it is awkward and separate rooms are best could be she is simply being respectful...my exes parents gave up their bedroom to me and to my ex.....we had been together for many years and i wouldnt still have sex in my mother in laws house regardless we actually had kids together....etiquette and respect could be simple reasons your gf doesnt want to have sex with you in a home shared with parents and grandparents.......deb

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree with Bailey. Get a hotel room the night before or night of the wedding.

 

I don't blame her for not wanting to sleep at your house with your mom and grandparents. That's very awkward, especially for a relationship that's only 2 months young.

 

Maybe she isn't allowed to have non-students stay overnight at the dorm, or she doesn't want to share a twin bed with someone.

 

And no, none of this means she wants you two to get your own place. You've only been together for 2 months.

[d0nnivain]

She doesn't want to flaunt her sexual relationship with you by sleeping under the roof you share with your mother & grandmother.

 

If you really can't afford a hotel room & truly want her to sleep over for the convenience of leaving from the same place (which sounds more like a ploy to get her to sleep over), I suggest you offer her the guest room.

 

You two have only been together for 2 months, she may not be ready for sex.

 

No she does not want to move in with you.

 

She wants you to back off, downshift on the sex & be respectful of her. She enjoys your company & needs to date you more. If you want to jump to instant sex, she might not be your girl. You do seem to be in way too much of a hurry & remembering what it was like to be an innocent, naïve college coed, you sound too pushy.

[OatsAndHall]

I could see how she would be uncomfortable with crashing at your place, given that you live with your family, regardless of how well she gets along with them. It could be an awkward situation for her, she's established a boundary and you need to respect it.There are numerous reasons why she doesn't want you to stay over at her dorm room as well and I just wouldn't push the situation. It might be because she doesn't want to rush sex or she might feel awkward with her roommates around. But again, she's set that boundary so respect it for the time being.

 

Honestly, I have run into this situation with several significant others as it takes me awhile to be comfortable with staying at their places. I'm a pretty light sleeper, have a set routine at night, and I don't share a bed well. Basically, I know I won't sleep much if I don't have a large space of my own on a bed and I don't function well the next day if I sleep poorly. My last serious girlfriend and I got into several arguments over it as she lived in a noisy apartment complex, her bed was a twin, and crashing over there was a bad idea. I tried once or twice and just ended up tossing and turning on her couch in the middle of the night. I woke up exhausted and irritable the next day and ended up needing a nap by 10am.. I didn't invite her over to my place for the very same reason; my bed was tiny (a single) and it would have made for a bad night's sleep for both of us.

 

Sleeping over at a SO's place isn't a huge deal for some folks but it is for others. If it is an issue for them, don't take it personally; just go with it and wait to see how things pan out.

[BaileyB]

You two have only been together for 2 months, she may not be ready for sex.

No she does not want to move in with you.

 

She wants you to back off, downshift on the sex & be respectful of her. She enjoys your company & needs to date you more. If you want to jump to instant sex, she might not be your girl. You do seem to be in way too much of a hurry and you sound too pushy.

 

This. Absolutely.

[GemmaUK]

For me there'd be no way I would want to sleep in the same room with a guy I was newly dating at his Mum's house no matter what age I was.

 

Spare room would be OK providing I know everyone in the house pretty well by now but I wouldn't want to be put in a situ where he might be knocking on my door at midnight for 'cuddles'. That to me would feel disrespectful.

 

You're what, 27 OP?

She is in dorms, younger most likely - but also not a great place for invites overnight.

Maybe she doesn't want to have sex with you yet, maybe she wants to get to know you better, maybe she feels like you are pushing too much so is playing it day by day but isn't sure if you two are a match at all.

 

I think you should take a bit more time, she has been clear with you about not wanting to spend a night under your Mum's roof. Did you listen to that and do you respect it or is your preference to ignore it?

 

And NO, she does not want to move in with you.

[Erik30]

I don't know how old you are, but you should get your own place. Unless you're still a teen, most girls wouldn't want to spend the night, knowing your mom and grandparents are in the same house....

[Els]

Neither of your living situations are conducive to someone sleeping over, especially at 2 months. It's extremely unlikely for a girl to want to spend the night in the same house as your mum (AND grandparents!!!), and college dorms generally don't allow visitors to sleep there overnight.

 

Does she want us to move together in a different place just like that, without even spending some nights together at our places before?

This just really confuses me. The options aren't just "living with mum and grandma" or "living with girlfriend". What about moving out by yourself, or at least sharing a house with other guys your age? Most people who want to sleep overnight with a girlfriend/boyfriend would do that.

 

How old are you?

Edited October 29, 2017 by Elswyth

[smackie9]

If she doesn't feel comfortable having you sleep with her, then don't push it. Get off her back about it. It just might be her values, and nothing more. You said you were willing to wait a little longer, so just do that.

[coolheadal]

I've been in a relationship now for 2 months.

I live in a house, pretty big I would say and she lives in a college dormitory.

I live with my mom and 2 of my grandparents, she lives with 2 colleagues.

 

We've never had sex. 3 weeks ago we went to a trip, spent one night together but she told me even before the trip that I must promise we'll not have sex. I agreed, of course I can wait a little more if that's what she wants.

 

But I told her that we should spend the night together at least from time to time, for example when it suits us both. I told her that my mom wouldn't say a thing, we don't need to have sex until she wants to and that it's a big house, it's no problem living there together at least now at the beginning of our relationship. She said not on the short term.

 

Next Saturday we will go to a wedding, but it's in another city so we need to go very early in the morning. I told her it's best for us both to leave from the same place, so maybe she wants to stay with me on Friday night. She said no. I asked if the short term is still not over and she said that she doesn't think it'll ever be over, she doesn't want to stay even 1 night in the same place with my mother.

 

On the other hand she's been alone in the dormitory a lot of times, but never asked me to stay.

 

Does she want us to move together in a different place just like that, without even spending some nights together at our places before? Could it be she's never had sex and she's just too afraid? Or maybe she simply likes that I spend money with her but she doesn't like me (which I really don't think so - I feel she likes me)?

 

What should I do?

 

Do you have enough money to buy your own place for you and her to live together, like a condo, townhouse, or apartment or flat? That is where I would begin. Why in the world would you expect a girl you only dated for 2 months would consider to move in with you, mom and grand parents even if the house was a mansion. I agree with her to say no too you on that. Your not thinking. Why don't you have your own place yet. You can't bring her into a house like that. No way dude your not thinking correctly. As for sex when it happens it happens. Your forcing to have sex already. If she doesn't want sex what you going to do about it. Cheat on her or leave her.

 

Don't care where she is as long as she feels safe there, but right now she would move in with you because of your family in the house a house she wouldn't have much say. You and your family would gang up her if things didn't you way. Your family would take your side instead of hers. Either you get a hotel room suite book it for month or go pay down on house, or etc. For you both to live together. Go and ell her that and see what she said about that? If she still said no, then she doesn't want to move in with you. She is scared that you will force her to have sex with you knowing that's all you really want. It's only been two months give it time. Get another location to live but don't bring to her mom and grand parents house that's not right at all!

[JustSomeGuy001]

I am overwhelmed by the number of replies I got and I'm really thankful to you all.

I will try to hit as many questions I got here as I can. Moreover, I talked more to her today on the subject so now it's more clear.

 

It's not a pretext for sex, wanting her to sleepover. As I said, I can wait for sex. It's just that she lives in the totally opposite side of the city, so not only I spend a lot of fuel going to her, but it takes a lot of time (somewhere between 30 minutes and 1 hour just one way).

 

I never said that I wanted her to move in with me. The relationship is too new , I know that. But I was just thinking about sleepovers from time to time. And no, no sex until she wants to.

 

It's no point in taking her to a hotel, as some people suggested. She doesn't want sex and I agree it might be too early.

 

What she told me today:

She had a very bad experience in childhood at home with her parents and her grandparents who live together. She doesn't like her father at all (I'm actually afraid it could be more, like a trauma or something) and moreover, their parents always fight with their grandparents at home. So she said this is the only reason she doesn't want to sleepover at my place, it's something she could never do.

Moreover, she has a twin sister and my place is very far away from her sister.

 

Now to answer another question here, I can't simply buy an apartment and move from my house. My grandmother is ill, my grandfather is old and my mother is single (my father doesn't live anymore). So by leaving to another part of the city means leaving my mother alone in that big house, with (unfortunately) no means to pay all the bills (big house, big bills) and with the task of taking care of my grandmother alone.

 

I told my girlfriend we just need to think of solutions. I don't want to breakup with her for this reason. I can understand her reasons and she said she understands my point too. We decided to talk one day per week about this until we find a solution.

 

For the short term I proposed to her to find an apartment (she needs to anyway, because she finishes college next summer) and then I could come from time to time (like twice per week or something). Maybe I again seem pushy - the problem is she had a plan to move with a friend of hers, so again it would be no chance for us to spend the night together (even without sex). So I told her that we can even talk about paying the rent and bills together, because if I come there from time to time it's only right I also pay some bills.

 

On the long term I have an idea of splitting my garden in two halves and build a new house in the empty half.. but it's too soon to think about this.

[BaileyB]

Well, it certainly sounds like your conversation brought more clarity. Be careful about paying the bills if she gets an apartment - that's taking things a little too far, IMHO.

 

Sometimes in relationships, we have to be patient to get what we want. Best wishes to you.

[Els]

I am overwhelmed by the number of replies I got and I'm really thankful to you all.

I will try to hit as many questions I got here as I can. Moreover, I talked more to her today on the subject so now it's more clear.

 

It's not a pretext for sex, wanting her to sleepover. As I said, I can wait for sex. It's just that she lives in the totally opposite side of the city, so not only I spend a lot of fuel going to her, but it takes a lot of time (somewhere between 30 minutes and 1 hour just one way).

 

I never said that I wanted her to move in with me. The relationship is too new , I know that. But I was just thinking about sleepovers from time to time. And no, no sex until she wants to.

 

It's no point in taking her to a hotel, as some people suggested. She doesn't want sex and I agree it might be too early.

 

What she told me today:

She had a very bad experience in childhood at home with her parents and her grandparents who live together. She doesn't like her father at all (I'm actually afraid it could be more, like a trauma or something) and moreover, their parents always fight with their grandparents at home. So she said this is the only reason she doesn't want to sleepover at my place, it's something she could never do.

Moreover, she has a twin sister and my place is very far away from her sister.

 

Now to answer another question here, I can't simply buy an apartment and move from my house. My grandmother is ill, my grandfather is old and my mother is single (my father doesn't live anymore). So by leaving to another part of the city means leaving my mother alone in that big house, with (unfortunately) no means to pay all the bills (big house, big bills) and with the task of taking care of my grandmother alone.

 

I told my girlfriend we just need to think of solutions. I don't want to breakup with her for this reason. I can understand her reasons and she said she understands my point too. We decided to talk one day per week about this until we find a solution.

 

For the short term I proposed to her to find an apartment (she needs to anyway, because she finishes college next summer) and then I could come from time to time (like twice per week or something). Maybe I again seem pushy - the problem is she had a plan to move with a friend of hers, so again it would be no chance for us to spend the night together (even without sex). So I told her that we can even talk about paying the rent and bills together, because if I come there from time to time it's only right I also pay some bills.

 

On the long term I have an idea of splitting my garden in two halves and build a new house in the empty half.. but it's too soon to think about this.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. It must be a difficult situation for you. However, it is also difficult for a woman to feel comfortable in that arrangement. I guess sleepovers will just have to wait until a workaround can be found.

 

2 months is still fairly early on though, so I'd just wait and see how things go at this point.

[chinadiary]

Just stop. Stop. Why would you date this person? Ur needs arent met. Shes too difficult and probs dont like you so much. Just why?! Leave.

 

Seriously? After 2 months he should leave because she hasn't put out yet?

[Poutrew]

If she has a problem banging you in your mom's house, that's one thing. You can test this hypothesis - tell her you will rent a room in a nice motel for the night and see what she says. If it is still no, then dump her. She has problems and it isn't in your job description to solve them for her. Better luck next time.

[coolheadal]

I am overwhelmed by the number of replies I got and I'm really thankful to you all.

I will try to hit as many questions I got here as I can. Moreover, I talked more to her today on the subject so now it's more clear.

 

It's not a pretext for sex, wanting her to sleepover. As I said, I can wait for sex. It's just that she lives in the totally opposite side of the city, so not only I spend a lot of fuel going to her, but it takes a lot of time (somewhere between 30 minutes and 1 hour just one way).

 

I never said that I wanted her to move in with me. The relationship is too new , I know that. But I was just thinking about sleepovers from time to time. And no, no sex until she wants to.

 

It's no point in taking her to a hotel, as some people suggested. She doesn't want sex and I agree it might be too early.

 

What she told me today:

She had a very bad experience in childhood at home with her parents and her grandparents who live together. She doesn't like her father at all (I'm actually afraid it could be more, like a trauma or something) and moreover, their parents always fight with their grandparents at home. So she said this is the only reason she doesn't want to sleepover at my place, it's something she could never do.

Moreover, she has a twin sister and my place is very far away from her sister.

 

Now to answer another question here, I can't simply buy an apartment and move from my house. My grandmother is ill, my grandfather is old and my mother is single (my father doesn't live anymore). So by leaving to another part of the city means leaving my mother alone in that big house, with (unfortunately) no means to pay all the bills (big house, big bills) and with the task of taking care of my grandmother alone.

 

I told my girlfriend we just need to think of solutions. I don't want to breakup with her for this reason. I can understand her reasons and she said she understands my point too. We decided to talk one day per week about this until we find a solution.

 

For the short term I proposed to her to find an apartment (she needs to anyway, because she finishes college next summer) and then I could come from time to time (like twice per week or something). Maybe I again seem pushy - the problem is she had a plan to move with a friend of hers, so again it would be no chance for us to spend the night together (even without sex). So I told her that we can even talk about paying the rent and bills together, because if I come there from time to time it's only right I also pay some bills.

 

On the long term I have an idea of splitting my garden in two halves and build a new house in the empty half.. but it's too soon to think about this.

 

So she has something happen to her when she was a child. You have to be careful my friend. Is the friend she's moving into with a woman or man? I don't thing you should even ask her for sleeping with you at all she has mental and emotional block about sleeping and having sex. She might have been molested that's hard to deal with as adult woman.

 

Do you date or what are you doing with her. So basically your going out as friends without sex. Do you kiss or hug, cuddle. Have you taken her to the movies and such?

 

Your family does come first and your not moving out but you do need a life outside the family. Grandparent had their life also prior to you and so did you mom. Now it's your turn to be with a woman you like to be with but one who is emotionally and mentally stable. One that can have sex with you. Fill your needs as a man. This girl if damaged by molestation you'll never happen for you. In her mind the recurring event is present and the fear associated with it is the problem. It was right for her to tell /share with you a little bit about it.

 

You can keep her as special friend but start dating other women. If you care too. I would if I was you.

Edited October 30, 2017 by coolheadal

[act00]

I don't think you should be offering to help pay the bills. If you're there for an evening or even a sleepover once or twice a week (sex or no sex), you won't be adding to any cost, and of course you'll likely be bringing food or drink for your evening. Only help out with the cost if you're there all the time, like you've basically moved in.

 

When she has an apartment and her own room, it will make it easier to have sleepovers if she's ready, and just hang out at her place.

 

I find it strange that she refuses to come to your house due to her bad experience, and also strange that she can't come over to hang out, whether or not she sleeps over, because of her sister. This is your living arrangement, and while not ideal, it is what it is, and sometimes you just have to work with it. Plus if living in the city is a bit of a time and distance issue, it would be nice if she made the trip on occasion, so you're not the one always having to drive, especially if you have to go home late at night. I hope you can work out some solutions.

[coolheadal]

I don't think you should be offering to help pay the bills. If you're there for an evening or even a sleepover once or twice a week (sex or no sex), you won't be adding to any cost, and of course you'll likely be bringing food or drink for your evening. Only help out with the cost if you're there all the time, like you've basically moved in.

 

When she has an apartment and her own room, it will make it easier to have sleepovers if she's ready, and just hang out at her place.

 

I find it strange that she refuses to come to your house due to her bad experience, and also strange that she can't come over to hang out, whether or not she sleeps over, because of her sister. This is your living arrangement, and while not ideal, it is what it is, and sometimes you just have to work with it. Plus if living in the city is a bit of a time and distance issue, it would be nice if she made the trip on occasion, so you're not the one always having to drive, especially if you have to go home late at night. I hope you can work out some solutions.

 

I have to agree don't give her money for anything if your not with her. I fall into this trap always. Because of the person I am. I need to say no because that money I give away I need it to take care of situations around my house that needs attention. These women think if they need money but yet they're with their own family let their family help them out.

[fred123]

Seriously? After 2 months he should leave because she hasn't put out yet?

 

Yes. What if she puts out to guys she likes earlier like say her ex or a new guy after him? How does he or anyone know he truth? Maybe she isnt putting out not cos of her values but cos she isnt into him?

I had a girl tell me once that she dated a guy for 3 months but didnt put out because she wasnt that into him but told him it was cos of her values. She then ****d me within the first month of dating. Explain that?!