Not sure if he's interested...It's been almost a year

[Sandwoman]

I met this guy at a formal cocktail party last year. I was introduced as his dad's partner's apprentice. He was there with his best friend from college. We three ended up having hours of amazing deep conversations that evening and I promised to invite them both to an event a couple of months away. Later he emailed me saying lovely meeting me, hope to catch up sometime. I agreed but he didn't really initiate a date.

 

A couple of months later, I kept my promise and invited them both to the event. They gladly came and his best friend was clearly very into me, got me a present and a handwritten letter. However, I'm not sure how he feels. After the event, we all went to an after party. When parting, he said more than once let's hang out sometime. So I texted him a few days later, thanking him and we agreed on a date to hang out.

 

We ended up going out twice later, late drinks and a casual meal, talked a lot about family and personal experiences. The meetings were fun, learned a lot more about each other, a little bit of flirtation. He insisted on paying. There was not much physical contact, maybe it was because of my acquaintances with his parents and their friends (they even joked about us in front of me once), or he knows his best friend likes/liked me? Or maybe he just wasn't interested.

 

After these two meetings, we immediately both went travelling for a couple of months for work. Exchanged a few texts in between. Recently, I came back and again ran into him and his family at an event. He said he didn't know I was back and we must catch up soon. I agreed and told him to text me. He texted me two weeks later inviting me to join a dinner party with his friends that night. It was last min but I went and had a good time. He insisted on paying for me although everyone else paid separately (I read it as him treating me more like a date than a friend?...) However, he still didn't make a move.

 

After a week, Friday I texted him saying it was nice hanging out, how's everything? He said he agreed and we chit-chatted a little. He asked if I had plans for the weekend. I said busy Sat but free on Sun. Then he hasn't replied. It's Saturday evening now.

 

I read his actions as mildly interested. His personality seems very cautious and reserved. Maybe I'm projecting my own insecurities but he's from a higher class and is also much more experienced in the field, although he's not much older. So I'm afraid he's out of my league, especially I just moved here from a marginal, foreign country. But I also tend to seem quiet and serious (some may even interpret it as pretentious or distant or boring). My friend said I'm being too passive for not directly initiating a date in return. After all, it's nyc...But I don't feel comfortable asking someone out without knowing if he wants to date me or just being polite. What are your thoughts on this?

[BluEyeL]

Unfortunately I do not think he is interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. I do hope you're dating other men and sure you can also go out with him but at this rate I don't see this evolving soon.

[Sandwoman]

Unfortunately I do not think he is interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. I do hope you're dating other men and sure you can also go out with him but at this rate I don't see this evolving soon.

 

ok. Now comes the hard part of accepting it as it is and not letting it affect my self-image...as it's been very low these days since a rejection last year How unfortunate when I feel insecure about my attractiveness, I get much more obsessed with other people's level of interest.

[Miss Spider]

I can't stand th guys who keep asking you out but don't make a move besides maybe a kiss or smthng if you're lucky. i just next them automatically. These guys are also the guys who overthink every thing,want to talk endlessly, and ask intrusive questions. If theyre not attracted don't date a chick and waste her time. There are plenty of guys who would love to be with you. Pls don't let it get you down and keep searching

Edited October 29, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[maxi105]

whoa....hold on a minute, as I am seeing this (if I have read your post the right way)- this is an invitation that has just had a day or so in waiting time, and you are already deciding this person is not interested or cannot be interested and it could damage your self esteem!

 

you might be right, (I hope you are not right); but if you are then at least give him some time to decide for himself if he can see himself building a friendship or more with you.

 

it might be that Sunday is not a convenient day for him, it's short notice maybe for him if you were only talking recently or if it you've already decided this Saturday is no good but Sunday is ok for you, I'm wondering...did he get a say to decide if this weekend is any good for him? or is your worry and hope providing an answer that was not really discussed by you both or left for the other to think over and get back to.

 

be careful that you don't not only over-think this situation, but that you don't also pester him (or give him the sense that you are wanting answers quickly) or don't keep knocking yourself self confidence further looking for instant reactions and responses; even though you sound thoughtful and well meaning, you have to let this relationship build, especially if this is someone coming back into your life (and I mean relationship in a way that includes friendship too).

 

try to let him know what you are thinking but it doesn't have to be all in one night or that he must reply in 12 hours(don't treat this like some dumb social media social exercise, this is a real person like you with stress, life, and just his everyday situations going on) he may be busy too but the main thing is that you should be careful that this doesn't get too in your head and it all gets into some kind of introverted fantasy situation where you end up doing nothing but get deflated because the communication isn't as clear as it would appear to clearly benefit from.

 

if you let him know what you are thinking without getting too heavy, then at least he can read the signs for himself and decide how things can go from his part and you will know more about what he feels.

 

I think you would be better to wait to contact him a few days next week if you haven't already and say hey look you've kindly offered me out a couple of times, how about I return the favour and see what he says, if he goes you can treat it more as a more.

 

it's not about playing games to let him miss you, it's about giving him time after you've asked him if he'd like to meet etc...

 

I agree very much with the replies and sentiments of being treated properly, but that is only on the basis that you have spoken and or met him and you know this is how he feels or is treating you AS A FACT, not just what you think might be the case.

 

I'm not trying to do you down here, I'm hoping things might go further for you, but it can only happen if you talk to him, if you meet and it goes well and if he wants more. it won't happen if you don't make small steps and are honest but not too revealing in the early stages.

 

look, don't let your looks worry you, I'm sure you have looks that others find attractive, ok, so it might not be everyone that thinks you are their type, but do you look at everyone you see and think yes, I like them all, they are all for me I'm in love again?????!!!!!

 

you have made a good start and you have a connection with this person already, so you have a good start, and even if it doesn't work, then maybe you can keep a friendship if again you both agree you'd like to.

 

forget all this marginal country silliness, your valid wherever you are from if you are a decent person and will treat others with fairness, kindness and honesty then you'll be good enough for anyone. besides difference can be attractive and fun.

 

but what I always end up saying in these situations is in round about kinda way is stop guessing things and ask the people involved in an appropriate manner, just understand that if they don't want this then respect that.

 

the only person that can help you know how things might be is this man...who has written you a hand written letter!!!!!! well that's a nice thing to think about even if nothing comes of this, someone has thought enough of you to write and express how they feel! that must tell you that you are attractive to people out there and the man sounds a sensitive and respectful guy too.

 

but before I get you all fired up and then it all goes out of the door, I think as long as you keep in mind the fact that this guy maybe with or like someone else and you ask him to join you (and mentally you speak to him as a friend that you are interested in more), then you will know more about whether anything more is possible.

 

but if you don't ask him then you won't know anything more and torture yourself with not knowing any more, and at least if you ask and he's moved on or he's not interested then you won't be so heartbroken and you can say you tried.

 

the longer you leave this the worse it will be for you. ask him next week and if you don't get a reply, then brace yourself for what might be just party enthusiasm and politeness or possibly a little desperation on his part, needing to feel he's met a girl at a party etc...

 

GOOD LUCK, I hope it goes well for you. I can't guarantee he's interested, but from what you've said....you can't either at this moment.

 

just be cautious or at least realistic that meeting someone from an event or if they live in another part, or are just very social in life then the opportunities for them to meet others is high.

 

but just give it a go; you will be more experienced for this situation. so go for it, and if its positive let us know.

 

we'll be routin for ya XX maxi.

[BluEyeL]

ok. Now comes the hard part of accepting it as it is and not letting it affect my self-image...as it's been very low these days since a rejection last year How unfortunate when I feel insecure about my attractiveness, I get much more obsessed with other people's level of interest.

 

I understand, this is why dating is hard, we get a lot of rejection. No matter how attractive you are, men have types and you cannot be everyone's type. Don't let this bring you down. Tell yourself you're attractive and men like you and get out there to get validation from other men. It really is a numbers game. If this dude comes around and makes a move, OK, but don't wait around being sad.

[planb1973]

 

After a week, Friday I texted him saying it was nice hanging out, how's everything?

 

How might he be interpreting your interest level? If I didn't hear from a woman I had a date with for a week I would assume she was not interested and place her in the friend zone.

[Sandwoman]

Thank you all for your input! I see diverse opinions here...

 

Update: So I talked to my therapist about this. She told me although we both agreed that he hasn't made much effort pursuing me, it's normal and too early to tell if something is going to happen. Also, she points out I have a passive personality and do not make my interest or availability clear either. I usually talk very vaguely and formally which confuses people and deter communication for fear of being judged.

 

I waited a week to text him after the date, and when he replied asking about my weekend plans (presumably inviting to meet up). My reply "Sat busy, Sun I don't know yet" may not be read as a green light. My therapist said she as well may not have texted me back because it's a vague answer. She suggested I asked him directly if he wanted to meet up.

 

So I texted him saying Sun looks bad, working on something due Monday, what are you doing next week? He replied usual schedule, not too busy. I asked if we should arrange something. He said definitely and suggested a date and an activity. I agreed.

 

I think it's interesting how my therapist points out how different people interpret words very differently and it's easier to just openly communicate.

[Sandwoman]

How might he be interpreting your interest level? If I didn't hear from a woman I had a date with for a week I would assume she was not interested and place her in the friend zone.

 

That's interesting...Girls are seeing very different things here. I just assumed if a guy wanted to pursue me, he would have texted me first after the meeting? And it was also more like a friend's thing he invited me last min...maybe he wasn't sure if i was single or interested, but still.

[Sandwoman]

I understand, this is why dating is hard, we get a lot of rejection. No matter how attractive you are, men have types and you cannot be everyone's type. Don't let this bring you down. Tell yourself you're attractive and men like you and get out there to get validation from other men. It really is a numbers game. If this dude comes around and makes a move, OK, but don't wait around being sad.

 

Yes apparently men have types which are determined rather early on, almost like sexual orientation...I've come to accept this. Thank you for your encouragement.