New to Dating & The Busy Girl

[Dayzer]

Greetings everyone -- first time poster, long time lurker here. Looking for some advice on a situation.

 

Backstory: I'm not very experienced in the world of dating. Most of my relationships have happened without a proper "courting" process, usually the girl and I would spend enough time around one another due to being in the same friend group and it'd get to a point where we would decide to just make it official and date. This happened with my first major girlfriend which led to a relationship lasting 3.5 years, and then, with my second major girlfriend which lasted 1.5 years. Both times I was friends with the girl for at least 1-2 months prior and we never went on any sort of 'solo' date beforehand.

 

Now -- over the summer, the second girlfriend (of 1.5 years) and I had a mutual breakup. We're both still on good terms and view the other as a friend, not a partner. It worked well because our lives were honestly heading in different directions and there were areas of our romantic life where we were completely non-compatible. Despite feeling okay after the breakup I decided to take some time for myself before trying to find a new partner/companion and also attended a month and a half of therapy just to talk through my feelings with a professional. It hit a point where I thought I was good, she thought I was good, and I was feeling excited to head back to college and make some new friends/find a potential girlfriend.

 

A week into college (new University for me, I transferred due to a change in majors) I found a new group of friends. This group includes three other people, we'll call them Jack, Mary, and Elizabeth. Elizabeth was the first of the group to talk to me and introduced me to the others, her and I had the best connection out of the three. About 3 weeks into hanging out with this group (and Elizabeth in particular) I realized I was crushing on Elizabeth, she was my type of person and our chemistry was/is electrifying.

 

Not wanting to ruin the dynamic of the friend group I talked with Jack and Mary about it, asking if it was cool if I pursue this, and they strongly encouraged it, telling me that the two of them have just been waiting for us to share our feelings about the other with one another.

 

Now, some things about Elizabeth:

- She's an incredibly ambitious individual. Applies herself 110% to her work and is a self-admitted workaholic.

- She doesn't use social media. She quit during 2016 because it took up too much time and she found herself a bit obsessed with it. She still texts/uses Facebook messenger but isn't an active poster on anything else.

- She is pursing acting, like myself, and the rehearsal schedules we're on grants us limited free time.

 

So I made my move. The two of us had spent some time one on one before this, and during one of those times she dropped the line that 'if anyone wants to date her, they need to make it super obvious otherwise she'll see it as a friend thing' and cited two examples from other people in the department trying to make the moves a year or two earlier.

 

With this information I knew I just had to be straightforward. After a rehearsal one day, while walking back to our cars, I asked her if she'd like to go on a date with me. She was caught slightly off guard (according to her) but said yes and we set the date for that weekend. Day of the date arrives and it goes well -- no small talk since we'd been friends for a month at this point and we hold hands a lot, end of the date comes around and we make out in her car and plan a second date.

 

Her and I don't get much free time -- we're essentially at school from 9AM - 11PM Monday - Thursday, with rehearsals/work on the weekends. However; we do spend all of our free time during the day with one another, often get food at the university snack-bar, walk back to our cars, etc. During one of nightly walks back to our cars we found ourselves kissing in the parking lot, another time I made a comment about how I'm glad we're friends and she jokingly said "yeah, friends who go on dates and kiss in the parking lot" basically, things seem to be going well.

 

We've also discussed how the entire department for the major we're studying have made comments about us and how we should be together; examples cited below:

> Over the summer I acted with another student who attends the university. Upon our first meeting she texted Elizabeth and told her that she met a cute boy who she thinks would be perfect for her.

> Jack and Mary both just waiting for us to make our moves on one another.

> Another student who is good friends with Elizabeth walked up to her and suggestively mentioned how well her and I were getting along.

 

The only thing is -- I've been told to take it slow. Jack, who has been friends with Elizabeth for 2+ years told me that I can't rush this and need to let Elizabeth find her feelings. Due to her workaholic nature he mentioned that this takes her some time and that I should definitely wait until after the show we're all working on is done before I try and make anything official. That's going to be in ~2.5 weeks and I'm just struggling with waiting that long.

 

Given the chemistry that we've had I want to just make the move now, but I feel like I do need to wait given what I've been told. I certainly don't want to make Elizabeth uncomfortable and push her into anything too fast, but it just seems like our chemistry is already there. She vents to me about some personal stuff, and I've done the same with her. Often times we break off from the friend group to do our own thing(s) and I just want to make it official.

 

So -- onto the question, I guess:

 

1.) Is trusting Jack a good idea; I know for a fact he isn't trying to date Elizabeth given his sexual orientation, so I'm not worried about him trying to "sabotage" anything, especially since he was initially very supportive.

2.) Are there any people like Elizabeth out there who can speak for what it's like trying to juggle her type of schedule and a relationship? An additional reason why I want things to work with her is because my own crazy theatre schedule -- both her and I understand what it's like to not have TONS of time and I wouldn't be too worried about her being busy/me being clingy.

3.) Am I rushing things? It seems like from how our chemistry has been and the comments made by us that we both have similar feelings for one another.

 

tl;dr - Met a great girl, she's super busy. Things are going well, do I push in with the question of being exclusive or do I wait until she has less stuff going on?

[normal person]

You're overthinking this. Chill out or you're going to seem needy/pushy and it'll turn her off. Just let things happen organically. Best of luck.

[smackie9]

OK this is the message: Elizabeth wants you to be real, show her your commitment to her, and make the limited time you have with her special. She DOES want YOU to make a move, she wants to feel desired.

 

As for your friends advice, he isn't telling you to take it slow like limit yourself pursuing her, just don't get clingy, obsessed, or demanding, putting pressure on her to invest more of her time and attention on you.

 

To simply put it, learn to give her, her space, and respect her decision to choose her schooling, career over you. Just be laid back, fun, and make the experience enjoyable.

[act00]

I think it's reasonable for things to slow down before embarking on something major that can wait, but the question becomes how long is too long, and will there ever be a time when things are not hectic and busy? There may never be a "good time" or a "perfect time." You just have to grab the bull by its horns because otherwise you spend a lot of time waiting for the right time, and there's never a right time.

 

I don't know what you meant by the friend comment. You asked her out, it's clear you're dating, you like each other, and then you toss out this "friend" comment, and she responds with "friends who date and kiss." It seems a rather sarcastic comment, questioning "what the hell do you want, dude, are you wasting my time? We're just friends?? Really??"

 

Jack has known Elizabeth a lot longer, and it might be in your best interest to heed his advice, though I'm not sure about this. Two-and-a-half weeks really isn't that long in the scope of things, but I question if this woman is so breakable, and so unable to deal with more than one or two forms of stress, that your desire to take this to the next level will cause an uproar and shut her down. On that same note, if she's that breakable, is this someone you want long-term? It almost seems she can't "multitask" at all. She's 110% in one thing to the point of obsession, and it derails her if something else pops up...she can't balance her use of social media with her job/school/other responsibilities...at least she's self-aware, but I'm not sure this obsessive nature is a good quality.

 

If she's too busy to date and grow a relationship, it's best you know now. It's already difficult, as you are both very busy, but I agree, you have a great connection and are in the same industry, so there's some mutual understanding on the conflicts and stressors involved.

 

I don't think it would hurt to wait. You know Elizabeth by now, and Jack has offered some advice, but what I question is what is going to happen when this show is over? Is there going to be a new stress? Do you need to wait longer because after the stress of this show is over, she needs time to decompress? She is on loose footing without something dominating her thoughts and time? And then when something new comes into focus, she's going to be too busy and too breakable to broach the topic of exclusive? So you wait longer?

 

This whole situation is weird, and while I think it's reasonable to wait until after this one show, don't wait longer. I think the important thing is you make her feel important and you BOTH make efforts to be together, and you don't expect her to dedicate all her time to you, nor should you be expected to drop your life and goals to cater to her. You like each other, and if you need to wait until after the show to express you'd like something more exclusive, officially, so be it.

[JamesDaniels123]

You're definitely overthinking this.

If she likes you as much as you like her, then 2.5 weeks of waiting won't be a problem. You won't lose her to someone else, is what I'm saying, and that would be my only concern. "Official" only really means exclusive, right?

 

The easiest piece of advice with relationships is that if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. If in two weeks she has distanced herself from you, then so be it. Stop trying to control fate (i'm very guilty of this).

 

Things will be fine though, i'm sure! Good luck

[Dayzer]

Thanks for all the insight everyone -- to touch on some points.

 

- I'm very prone to overthinking things and I think you're all right about me overthinking this situation.

- Her and I are in one play currently (she's acting in it, I'm an assistant stage manager) and we'll be in another one together in April where we're both acting and our characters interact a lot. So while she has to spend a lot of time doing theatre, it's going to be with/around me, so that's nice.

- I made the "glad we're friends" comment because we'd only had one date and I think going on dates and dating are two different things. It also was nice to hear her reaction of "friends who go on dates and kiss in parking lots" because it showed me that she feels a little bit more than that, or perhaps wants to.

 

 

I'll certainly be waiting until this show is over to ask if she'd like to become exclusive. In the meantime I'll just be as relaxed and "myself" as possible, no need to force anything if we've made it this far going organically!