redd519 Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 Well, found out in May my husband was cheating on me with a girl he works with. He is a 911 dispatcher supervisor, she is a call taker. I found out with spy software as I have had issues with him before placing personal ads on the computer (he states it was to see if I would find out). Anyway he was text messaging her from home saying he missed her and could not wait to see her. I confronted him and he admitted to it. He of course denied sex at first. He said they only kissed but I know you cannot feel that guilty from just that. He admitted the next day that they did have sex once. Anyway I wanted to keep our marriage together (even though I always said I would leave with the children if that ever happened). I don't know what changed in me but now I just feel like I can't lose him. He said he did not love me (how can you not love someone after 10 years of marriage and dating since 8th grade on and off) and insisted she was not the problem. If it did not happen with her , it would have happened with someone else. He said he was totally surprised yet happy that I was fighting for him and our marriage. He agreed to go to counselling. We see our local priest and he also called his Helpdesk/EAP through work. Things were going well, he and I cried alot during these sessions. He originally slept on the couch at first but when I brought this up to the priest he asked why...all my husband would say is that he was not sure if I wanted him there. So I said yes, because I did. It was kind of strange at first but I wanted to hug him so badly. He was hesitant but I don't know if it was because he did not want to because of his diminished feelings for me or because he felt bad for doing what he did. So I initiated it and he followed suit. Of course I hugged him more nights than he did. Anyway, he was constantly acting like he was hiding things (ex.- keeping his cell phone and pager close to his side and never putting them down, and when he did put them down they were right there next to him even taking a shower, he would hang them on a towel next to the shower and leave the curtain open a little bit to see if I would check them. Every once in a while I would because I just had a gut feeling it was still going on. He would get specific text pages stating for example how handsome he was and could not wait to be together again, and there was one about taking a shower together. He denied it was her and kept insisting people up at work must know that something is going on (I think he could get fired for that as he is a supervisor) He would get mad and threaten to leave if I kept spying on him. Well, just a couple weeks ago he stated he had to go to NJ for some training for his second job. I did not feel comfortable about it and he even called me around 730 that night to say he was still in NJ and that he was at dinner with the guys he went with and that he would be home after midnight which he was. A week later my friend told me that Tuesday night(the night before he went to NJ) that her father in law saw my husband with this girl at a restaurant around 830 at night...he was supposed to be working. So I have been confiding in my sister in law ( which now I know was not a good thing to do although she was always on my side and yelling at him, I should never have done that ) and she earlier in the day talked to her brother and he told her he wanted to try to make things work at home with me and the boys and that this girl had nothing to do with it, he swore on his mothers grave (which is a big deal as they were very close) I went that evening and told her about what I found out and she flipped on me. We got in a huge fight and I yelled that I was taking the boys and leaving, she threatened a lawyer because she thought I was going to keep her from seeing my boys (I just said I was leaving her house, not taking them away) She called her brother crying about what happened. He called me at home as I was a wreck too after all of this, and he told me to call his sister and make things right before she went on vacation because she was extremely upset. He said she was just telling me the information he gave her which were all lies. He said he has been lying about everything and wanted to come clean with everyone. He came home from work that night and told me he has been seeing her still. He started seeing her back in February as they started to go to dinner once a month . (THIS WAS ONLY WEEKS AFTER MY DAD DIED) They did have sex more than once, a few times every other week. He said he had it set in his mind that I would leave him so they started planning for the future, I asked if it included marriage and he said that was never talked about. He said kids were mentioned because I told him he said he did not want to have anymore kids with me and he still felt he does not want anymore but I told him, she is 26 years old, she is going to want kids one day. All he said is she knows how he felt about it and that she said his kids would be hers (NOT!!!) He did not go to NJ. H took my van after I washed it, cleaned it out and filled the tank (thinking he was going on a business trip) and picked her up and they spent the whole day together going to the park walking and beach, lunch, dinner, drinks with her friends ( and he said he called me from the bar as she did not know he called me)I said they must have had a good laugh at me as I cleaned the car, etc and he said she did not laugh (like I believe that) but he did as it was funny at the time. He told me he told her he loved her once and that the first time they had sex did not mean much but after that , it did. I was going to get tickets to see Keith Urban in Watertown at the beginning of the month, but he said he would not be able to take the night off. Come to find out he told me he was going to take her. Slap in the face......He works A LOT of overtime and switches so he is not home to deal with our issues. What pisses me off is he would rather spend time with her when he is not working or call in for her instead of spending time with his boys. He says he works a lot because he does not want to be here. Because we are not getting along, and I nag and spy on him. He never gave me a reason not to spy on him. I went and told the priest he has been lying to everyone and even to him. He talked with him alone and told him if he leaves us he will lose everything, if he goes to her he will gain nothing. It would never work with her because she is 26, no responsibilities, she can come and go as she pleases, instant family....He told him I need to have an answer that night as it was not fair to us to drag it on...either her or us not both. I told him that too and I said I hope she is worth it. He chose to try to work it out with us but isn't promising anything. He supposedly ended it with her again...he would not let me be there when he did it..which makes me nervous as I don't know what he said to her , he could just be having her hang on the side and he said she would not do that...I say bull crap.If she has the feelings she does for him she will wait. He said he ended it with her a week after I originally found out in May but then a couple weeks later started calling her again. He said he liked her and figured things were not getting any better at home because of my constant spying/nagging/ yelling...He said she was his only friend and that he needed to talk to someone. SHe was there. She sent him a couple of E-Cards saying she cannot wait to spend every minute together and loves him etc etc..We took our boys to an amusement park yesterday all day and we had a good time and got along good. He said he has not talked to her. This passed weekend (Saturday night) I went and spied to see if she was leaving at 11 pm as that was her schedule...my husband was working until 3 am....she ended up staying until 3 am too. When he came home I asked him what she worked until and he said 11 pm . Another lie even after spilling the other stuff to me. I said I know she worked until 3 and he said she did but did not want to upset me and get me thinking....hello, tell me the truth and I will take it better than being lied to. He got mad and told me to go to bed. (he is back to sleeping on the couch after he told me about the lies) He had his back to me so I checked his pager. There was a text message saying "loving all the smiles tonight ;-) me" I asked him about it and he said spying on him again...he got mad and said he never saw the page...told me to go to bed or he would leave. He said OW was acting mad at him and she called into work on Sunday...he said he is going to confront her about the page...Today I asked him if it was really done with her and he said yes as done as it is going to be...what the hell does that mean...I told him I don't know what I should be doing and he said I am doing it. I asked how to win him back and he said just keep doing what I am doing. He is still on the couch....he is showing no affection....I asked if he wanted to go to the Fair so I can get tickets , he said no, I asked him if I should not be planning stuff for me and him to do together and he said no, I asked why and he said not right now. I ask him if he thinks about her and he said yes and I asked him if he feels like he wants to call her, he told me today no not really when last week he told me he wants to talk to her and hug her and tell her it will be ok. But he says he loves me and wants to make it work. I am just having a hard time believing in anything he says right now. How do I know he is serious about wanting this to work and that it is over with her completely....he said he is serious and that it would not be fair to us. He says he knows how badly I want it to work. What does anyone think? Sorry so long
whichwayisup Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 You have two choices. Tell him to get out and DO what the heck he wants since it seems he is doing what he wants now anyway...Or tell him to completely END it go no contact with this woman and head back to MC (marriage counselling) with you. AND, he has to give you all info - numbers, email account passwords etc until you feel like you can trust him again. AND, is she married? Have a boyfriend? Maybe consider telling her partner so the affair won't continue. It being out in the open gives it less chance of happening. Sorry you're in this pain, I feel for you. This is a long read, but well worth it. Check out this thread by a previous poster, he's not here anymore, but he helped MANY people in this forum and in your situation. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=40398 I think it could help you alot. Good luck and keep on posting. You'll get the support here you need from many posters.
StillHurtin Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 I am so sorry for what you are going through. I agree w/ WWIU. Since you already know about the A tell him he either ends it w/ the OW or move out. My H filed for a D after 11 years of M. When he said he wanted a D w/in a week friends of mine would call me and tell me they heard he was having an A w/ his co-worker (he was her supervisor). Of course when I confronted him about it, he lied. A week past and I was still hearing rumors. I finally told him since he wanted a D to move out. He asked if he could have a few days to figure out where he was going to live. He continued to deny the A. Ya know how rumors go around. I didn't have facts that he was having an A w/ the OW. I read on a site (2 years after we got back 2gether) that if you think your spouse is having an A the last thing you do is kick them out of the home. It's much easier for a spouse to have an A when they are not living w/ you. I wish I wouldn't of kicked him out of the house as I would of eventually found out for myself that he was having an A. My H wasn't going to move out of the H. He said he would stay living w/ our children and I until I decided what I wanted to do...move out myself or if he should leave. Honestly, if I didn't tell him to move out he probably would of stayed. Anyhow, I wish you the best of luck w/ this. It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants right now but playing these games isn't going to get neither one of you anywhere. I would sit him down and tell him he either ends it w/ the OW or move out. He has achoice w/ this. You and your M, and family, or the OW. He can't have both. And if he does end it w/ the OW he can't expect to be friends w/ her either. If he does end it w/ her, it is going to be hard b/c he still works w/ her. I hated knowing that H was still working w/ the exOW even after he ended it.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 A guy who not only lies to his wife for months on end, but can also look into the face of his priest and then lie to him too.... A guy like that is lost in the "fog" of his own affair addiction. He's not "on the fence". He's gone over it....and landed in OW's yard. He won't come back over until he's either gotten over his addiction, or until he wants something else even more. Sometimes people only want what they can't have. It's a gamble to kick him to the curb. He might not come back. Sometimes they don't. The alternative to that, of course, is to continue on as you are now. It's not uncommon for a cheater who's busted to become irate about his partner spying on him. The best defense is a good offense afterall. Attempting to turn it around on the betrayed partner is par for the course. Don't let it make a dent in you. You were NOT wrong. It's not like he's innocent of any wrong-doing. I very much doubt that your marriage vows included any loopholes that allow your partner to develop and nurture sexual relationships with other people on the side. The only way to stop a "cake-eater" from eating cake....is to take it off his plate. There's not a whole lot you can do to enforce his faithfulness. He's got to WANT to be faithful, and at this point you're going to probably have to provide him some incentive. The only tool you really have at your disposal is to take his home-deal off the table. "Sorry honey, you can't have your cake and eat it too. You'll have to get your cake from OW....because you're not welcome HERE." He practically ordered you to make nice with his sister! Like some kind of emotional blackmail. "If you don't make nice, I'm going to run off with another woman." WTH! Are you going to live under that threat for the rest of your marriage? And he said that YOUR KIDS would be OW's kids? And he spent money that belongs to BOTH of you to finance his illict beach tryst. You ought to be REALLY pissed off right about now. Like 'talking-to-your-attorney' pissed off. Like 'shirts-on-the-lawn' pissed off. If every married man could have a mistress on the side, without fear of their home-deal being withdrawn....why wouldn't they? This guy is lying to you. He's been lying to you for months. And he's not anywhere NEAR the neighborhood of stopping. I can't tell you what to do. No one can. But if my husband did that to me...I'd see a lawyer, and I'd either leave him or throw him out depending on what the law would allow. I'd expose him to EVERYONE who had any influence on the affair partners. If the OW has a husband or boyfriend, I'd tell him. And regardless of the consequences...I'd bust him at work too. (Then again, I have family that I can rely on to help me if needed, so I wouldn't give a damn if he lost his job and was living in his car. ) Then I'd limit contact with him so as to also limit negative interaction. I'd do my utter best to keep him from unsupervised visitation with the children until a temporary custody agreement was ordered. And I'd make certain that OW was NEVER exposed to my children. I'd do my homework, and get certified documentation from a qualified child psychologist ,who had interviewed my children, in order to make my case. It's not even necessary to be particularly nasty when doing all that. All that's necessary is to keep reiterating that your preference is a loving marriage, that you are doing the best you can to preserve your family, and that you'll be more than happy to discuss reconciliation....when he can live within the boundaries that you've established. Everybody has at least some personal boundaries. Expectations that are necessary to continue on in partnership would include fidelity and fiscal responsibility, at least for most people. This guy isn't even maintaining the very basics of your relationship.
Mz. Pixie Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 LJ is right, and she speaks from experience. Her husband had a EA, not sexual with someone. This guy is throwing you crumbs. He's manipulating you at every turn. To tell you if you don't go to bed, he's leaving? What he is doing I would consider emotional abuse at this point. If he had really broken it off with her, she would not be texting. He's definitely still seeing her or he wouldn't be checking his cell, etc. IMO if he wants to make his marriage work, leaving that job would be a priority. I know some people might disagree with me, but if it's the marriage or him being under the influence of this addiction- and it IS an addiction then the job has to go! I'm sorry for your pain honey. Read Dresden's thread too- it's a good one as well!
Concern Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 He sounds like a complete jerk and he's using you. I know it's hard because you have kids with him, but he's treating you like dirt. Leave him before he does more damage to you. He is the one in the wrong, he has no right to talk down to you like that. Sounds like he already made his choice, and his choice is her. Leave while you still have your dignity. And take him to the bank. You don't need to be sharing your husband, and you definitely don't need to be sitting home waiting for him while he goes off with some tramp. He even admits to laughing at you when you clean the car so he can take it to his mistress. Do you really want your boys to grow up having that as a male role model? Also you don't know where the OW has been, for all you know she could be giving him something that can be passed on to you. Three is definitely a crowd. There are plenty of wonderful men out there, don't punish yourself by staying with someone unworthy of you and your time.
Author redd519 Posted August 18, 2005 Author Posted August 18, 2005 It's funny, as I have been hearing the same thing from everyone, but why am I being so stupid in wanting to work this out. Why do I still love him? Why does he not want me to plan things for us to do together right now (that is the only way to get things moving)? I told him today if he really truly wants this to work and things are definatley done with OW, then he needs to put 100% into this, I cannot do this anymore. He told me once this week is over he is working less hours but things just won't happen overnight. Well, duhhh idiot, I know that!! The OW is not married or have boyfriend but I hear from others she is a "cop chaser" and has broken up relationships before. How did she get so far into his head...it's like she has such a pull on him. I want to get her fired...(is that bad? ) I asked him yesterday if they were done completely and he said as done as it ever will be...WTH does that mean?!?!? I know the only way to get rid of her is if he does it, but why is he so much into this double life....he knows what he will lose. And yes I know to kick him out would be the best but, I am so afraid of him going to her. I feel I cannot be without him. Maybe it's because we have been together for so long...How do I break his wall down as it seems he only responds to what she has to say. I want to know how to get through to him (it's like he is on drugs, you have to be with him through a withdrawal so he does not go back). Any suggestions?
mopar crazy Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 Originally posted by redd519 It's funny, as I have been hearing the same thing from everyone, but why am I being so stupid in wanting to work this out. Why do I still love him? Why does he not want me to plan things for us to do together right now (that is the only way to get things moving)? I told him today if he really truly wants this to work and things are definatley done with OW, then he needs to put 100% into this, I cannot do this anymore. He told me once this week is over he is working less hours but things just won't happen overnight. Well, duhhh idiot, I know that!! The OW is not married or have boyfriend but I hear from others she is a "cop chaser" and has broken up relationships before. How did she get so far into his head...it's like she has such a pull on him. I want to get her fired...(is that bad? ) I asked him yesterday if they were done completely and he said as done as it ever will be...WTH does that mean?!?!? I know the only way to get rid of her is if he does it, but why is he so much into this double life....he knows what he will lose. And yes I know to kick him out would be the best but, I am so afraid of him going to her. I feel I cannot be without him. Maybe it's because we have been together for so long...How do I break his wall down as it seems he only responds to what she has to say. I want to know how to get through to him (it's like he is on drugs, you have to be with him through a withdrawal so he does not go back). Any suggestions? I am so very sorry redd. I really do know what you are going through. You have mixed emotions right now. Reading your thread reminds me of everything I went through. Even though my H and I have been back 2gether for 2 years since the A and are both working to make this M better than b4 I can't help but come here and give advice to those who are going through what I did. My H and I were M almost 11 years b4 the A so, like you, we shared many years together and had a family. To have that change b/c of an A is awful. One minute you are angry at your H, want him to hurt like you are and the next all you want to do is love him and want it all back the way it use to be. It's hard. I was like you, afraid of living alone, raising our two children alone, I was scared to death. I had never been so scared in my life. But ya know what, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be once I was far away from him. I moved out of our home and rented a place in my hometown. I had to get away from him, her, the life that I once knew b/c it was tearing me apart. Every time a friend called to tell me more about the A, or even when the exOW's H came over to talk to me about it was he!!. As soon as I was done talking to them I was on the phone w/ my mom, dad, sister, sil, whomever was there to support me. All I could do was cry. All I wanted to do was get the he!! out of that town and get away from it. They say running from your problems doesn't help, but it wasn't my problem, it was H's and I was no longer going to stick around and put up w/ it. I know it's not possible for everyone to move away from it like I did. I just couldn't bare it any longer and I knew I had the wonderful support of my family back home (I was 100 miles from my family). Sorry, I am going way too far into what I went through. All I am saying, if I can get out of my M b/c of infedility anyone can. It was tough but it was much easier than I ever thought it was. There is help out there. And your H is living at home like nothing is going on, but then he is having an A w/ the OW. He has it made. He has a home to come home to where his W and kids are and he sees nothing wrong w/ what he is doing. He is getting his cake and eating it to. Don't let him control you like this anymore. He either dumps the OW or kick his cheating butt to the curb. I don't know what he means by he is done w/ her as far as he is going to be. He is playing mind games w/ you and that is total BS. I can't tell you to kick him out but I can tell you it's not as bad as it seems. I felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders when I got away from my H. Like you, I still loved him, but there was no way I was going to allow him to live w/ us if he was banging someone else. GL to you. Get some IC and find out if who you need to contact about housing, food stamps, medicaid for you and your kids. Help is out there. What's worse? Living w/ a cheating H who has no regards to your feelings, or living w/o him and getting on w/ your life and being happy? I know it wont happen overnight but it can happen.
Author redd519 Posted August 18, 2005 Author Posted August 18, 2005 Mopar, You said your husband and you are back together now? Did he come back and how long did it take him?
Ladyjane14 Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 Originally posted by Mz. Pixie If he had really broken it off with her, she would not be texting. He's definitely still seeing her or he wouldn't be checking his cell, etc. IMO if he wants to make his marriage work, leaving that job would be a priority. I know some people might disagree with me, but if it's the marriage or him being under the influence of this addiction- and it IS an addiction then the job has to go! One of the very best ways to determine if the affair is ongoing is to ask yourself this question: 'Do his actions match his words?' Unfortunately, as Mz. Pixie so aptly points out.....his actions do NOT match his words. Rather than reassuring you by making his life an "open book", he's still hiding information from you. A man who is REALLY trying to rebuild his marriage after infidelity WANTS to prove himself. He's proud of the progress he's made in beating his addiction. He WANTS to rebuild your confidence and see the pride in your eyes when you believe in his integrity again. Your man is still hiding his cell phone or keeping it close by. Rather than to continue working with someone he should be in a NO CONTACT situation with, a recovering man asks for a shift change, or he looks for another job, or he asks his former affair partner to look for another job. Sometimes, he even looks for ways to secretly 'sink' her and get her fired. You man is hanging out with OW until 3am, in direct opposition to the "open book" policy, and the NO CONTACT policy. Further, he's sleeping on the couch instead of with you. That's either one of two things. Either he's angry with you for interfering in his affair, making him hide his secret life from you, or....he's keeping himself chaste for his lover. A recovering man WANTS to be back in your bed. He wants to make love to YOU....because his infatuation is about you again. When words and actions don't meet....he's lying to you. That's the litmus test. I know you're probably scared to death to lose him. But for all intents and purposes....he's already gone. You'll feel sooooo much better when you accept that. Because there's no where to go but UP from there, right? Mopar Crazy illustrated in her personal story, how important it is to stand your ground. She stood hers. She made the gamble. And it paid off for her in time. But I'm sure it was a REALLY difficult road for her, and the outcome is not guarenteed no matter what you elect to do. Initially, she might have felt like her marriage was over. She probably accepted that it was. And that's a GOOD thing, even though it's difficult....because who wants the "old" marriage back anyway. The "old" marriage blew up in your face. What you want is something NEW. It's a risky strategy, to lay down your ears and say, "enough is enough"....but perhaps it's the only effective one available. One of the most attractive things about a person is their self-esteem. People with good ones clean up on the 'love market'. People with low self-esteem too often end up as doormats. It's really not fair. It's like charging more in the market place to people with low income. Like the rich people are getting the deep discounts while the poor ones are paying mark-up. When a person is betrayed by their spouse like this, their self-esteem just plummets. You look at your body in the mirror, and wonder if it's because you didn't lose that last couple of pounds after your last baby. Or maybe it's the stretch marks you got while you waged your war in childbirth. Or the first couple of gray hairs. Or maybe you're not smart or funny enough. All sorts of negative ideas go through your head, and every single one of us has been there and done that. The worm turns though, when you dig deep and find the strength to build your self-esteem back up. Maybe you read some self-help books, maybe you get some IC (individual counseling), maybe you spend time talking with friends and family who help you see how REALLY great you are. At that point you can look him in the eye and say, "I'm a terrific person, and I DESERVE to have my most basic needs met in this relationship". And he'll agree with you that he's not good enough for you....yadda, yadda, yadda....all in an effort to make up yet another excuse for leaving the relationship. You call him on it then, and tell him you know he's just making excuses to do what he wants, but if that's the absolute best he can do.....then 'don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out'. Most of the time they do come back. Sometimes they don't. But make no mistake....you are ATTRACTIVE when your showing him healthy self-esteem. You don't have to argue. You don't have to fight. But you DO have to stand up for yourself. Because you're actually enabling the affair when you don't. OW is the attractive one then. She's not taking any sh*t from him. She's making him give chase, and keeping him on his toes. She's interesting. YOU are interesting.....when he can no longer predict your actions. When you are attractive and mysterious. When you are pleasant....and yet aloof, noncommittal. You become a challenge again.
lynnspies1 Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 You and I are on the same crappy boat ride and it sucks, sorry. My husband of 15 years and 3 little ones is a police officer who had an affair with a dispatcher this year. I found out about it while it was still going on and he said he would stop but kept in contact with her. Shortly after the affair was uncovered, my husband was laid off from his job and we mover 3 hours away from her home town. He still swore it was over but was talking and e-mailing all the time. She was also what you might classify as a cop chaser. Her husband who she is separate from is a cop. She cheated on him with another cop for three years when that relationship ended she began seeing my husband. He lied to her all along, said our marriage was over that we were in the process of breaking up and all along I thought things were getting better. We were in counselling, he found a great job where we live (as a cop again). Things were looking up and that is when I found out he was making plans to see her after almost five months of not physically seeing her. The crud hit the fan, I got an attorney and worked everything out as to what my options were. Knowledge is power! I contact the OW supervisor and discussed some things with him about her role as a cops counsellor in her department. I contacted the OW and spoke to her at length that my H and I were trying to work things out and she had no idea. She sent me all the e-mails between them and vowed never to have contact with him again. He has vowed to stay and work it out. Again he says no contact with her. He will attend marriage counselling and individual as well. My reason for trying to keep this together is simple. If I told him to leave, he would go to her I have no doubt. My children would then have her in their lives and I am not willing to let that happen. Being 3 hours away helps. He has given me all of his e-mail passwords, disconnected his cell phone and must account for all of his time. He has to give me a run down everyday of who he has contact with and why. He is trying to work this out and trying to let her go and I think it just might work this time. I had to try again, it is not easy to walk away from a 15 year marriage. I would try to get some information on this person your husband is seeing. He is in a difficult position because he could loose his job if he is her supervisor. I am sure if the affair were discovered there would be an investigation and at least they might be separated. Unfortunately affairs and police go hand in hand. I think it is an ego thing. Do some research, get your ducks in a row and know that what ever happens you will be able to deal with all the possibilities. Good luck, Lynn
mopar crazy Posted August 19, 2005 Posted August 19, 2005 Originally posted by redd519 Mopar, You said your husband and you are back together now? Did he come back and how long did it take him? redd, Yes, my H and I are back 2gether. My H said he wanted a D the first of April in 2003. He was still living in our home and friends were calling and telling me about him and the OW. I confronted him about the A, of course he denied it, said she was just a friend. I told him to pack his things and get out of the house less than a week after he told me he wanted a D. He moved out two days later. The end of May my kids and I moved away. A month later H called and admitted to the A and wanted the M back. So it wasn't long for him to come back. B4 he came back to me I accepted that the M was over. I even started flirting w/ SG but I wasn't ready to date yet. I wasn't going to sit at home and be unhappy that my M ended. I was getting on w/ my life. My siblings were trying to fix me up w/ SG's but I really had no intention of dating anyone. I didn't plan on dating until my D was final then I knew it was the end and felt free to date w/o feeling guilty about it. Isn't that stupid? Here my STBXH was out banging some woman b4 our D was even close to be final and he didn't care, didn't feel guilty but I felt guilty if I went out w/ a guy. I had plenty of chances to date, but I just wasn't ready. I felt like I was still M and until the M was final I wasn't going to date. I guess I still loved my H so much (even though he was screwing someone else) I couldn't bring myself to date. You have gotten some great advice so far. Like I said, we can't tell you to leave him but know that if you want to there is help out there for you. I know it's scarey, but you will do fine. I just hate seeing you staying w/ someone that is treating you like this. There is so much happiness out there and you can't find that if you are in a M w/ someone who does not care about what he is doing. He is taking advantage of you. Right now it's all fun for him. The excitment of the OW but he still has a home to go where his W and kids are. It's all a nasty game he is playing. Right now he is winning at this game. You will win this game if you kick him out, or move out if he can't end the relationship w/ the OW. That means NC. No phone calls, no texting, no IM, nothing. I know it's hard when he works w/ her but if he really wants this M to work he need to get her out of his life. As for work, the only time he should have to deal w/ her is on a professional level. If he breaks it off w/ her and she continues to persue him then he should be able to turn her in. After my H broke it off w/ the OW she continued to flirt w/ him at work. She would call him using work as an excuse. She even had the balls to call him when our kids and I were down visiting. When I answered the phone she asked if it was me and when I told her it was she proceeded to talk to me about a co-worker of theirs. I told her to stop calling and she hasn't called since. A few months later she got H fired from his job (long story). I do believe that the A was why H got fired b/c he was her supervisor. It was a mess. Even though he lost a great paying job (and has a crappy one now) was for the best b/c he no longer worked w/ the exOW. Follow your heart! I got that advice a lot from my family and friends.
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