justified contact?

[chris261083]

Hi all, some of you may have heard my story on here already.

Basically the issue I'm having right now is staying away from my ex.

I suffer anxiety and my ex knows that any little thing can get me into a serious thought process that can Last days.

 

Basically she left me and I chose to move out, one week after she is with someone else, 1 week after that he's living with her and my kids pmsl.

I organised to see my lads on Saturdays, I chose her mothers as a neutral pick up/drop off point. Times were arranged the same every so the kids get used to it. About 4 weeks ago she changed the times. I stood firm and said if the kids aren't there at the arranged time, I'll try again next week. I sort all this out via her mom on fb. Anywho, she caved in. I told her mom I'm not having this because when I take them out I don't just take them to the park, its always an organised day out scheduled around "dad/sons" time. Those are MY hours ffs.

 

At this time I also tell her mom to tell her not to message me on her FB account as I want zero contact with her only her mom, I also say I don't want to see her etc.

The reason for this is for myself, we were together 20 years and as much as I want to forget, I cant switch my feelings off, I love her. I want to try and get on with my life and for me to do that I feel I need her completely cut out my life.

 

Anyway, I have been off work this week, using up this years remaining spare days.

I am generally ok in the week but suffer extreme anxiety on pick up day.

3 messages I've had this week, I would like your views on whether its justified.

All these were through her mom, but Imo there was no need.

I'm not going into massive detail as its not really relevant.

 

1st message was about my daughter, who up until Friday was living with me.

It said "xxxx said the police have left you a voicemail"

There was an issue I had to sort out last week regarding this.

 

Why tell me I have a voicemail? My phone tells me?

Coupled with the fact that my son was assaulted a few weeks ago and police were involved, I heard this from him. It was the first of it I'd heard. So she didn't tell me about 1 incident, but told me I had VM about the other?

 

An hour later, I get another message about my son because as the daughter was at her moms I had 1 of the lads overnight. +1 for me and him as the break up has hit him hard.

The message said "Xxxx said, what time are you bringing xxx back?"

 

It doesn't matter what time he's coming back. The youngest is dropped at his nans so granted she has to organise pickup, but xxx is 13, I can take him so far, and he can walk the rest of the way.

Because I had the week off, I organised an extra access day on Wednesday. Same times etc.

 

She turned up 40mins late, and what's worse is that I think she chose to see me.

I wait 1 end of the street and she comes the other way. She's maybe 500m from me, then the kids come to me. Simple right?

NO!!! She comes the other way, directly behind me and there was all I could do about it.

The youngest comes to me for a cuddle and she walks straight past me to talk to xxx, no eyesight no chat. She then pulls a tshirt out of a bag and gives it to xxx. She beaming from ear to ear showing way to affection for this tshirt like she's mother of the fckin year. Really weird.

Anyway, inside my blood was boiling and i left with the lads.

Which part of "I don't want to see you" is difficult here?

There was no need to see me.

I asked the lads why they went to Asda, and honestly, they did not know.

Its bs.

We went swimming anyway and when we go for food, I had another messages saying "xxxx said can you start giving her money every week for xxxxxx?"

Like I said, the daughter has moved in with her. Nothing I've done, I work nights and she doesn't feel safe on her own, she's 17. I honestly understand.

All the time she was with me, her mom never gave me a penny although I pay maintenance weekly for the lads.

Imo this is also a bs question. She knows I wont give her **** so why ask?

I simply wrote "no" and have heard nothing since.

Imo this has been a pretty bad week as far as NC goes. I have spoke to my mate at work who has been a rock for me and in general he gives very sound advice.

He said that there may be a few things going on here.

1) she is not as happy as she appears and is hurting just as much as me.

I said to him "are you sure?" She is telling everyone how happy she is with her new guy. She does look happy to me.

2) she cant stand the fact that I "appear" to not care. Inside I'm dying if I'm honest but I'm not letting her see that.

Everytime I hear anything about her, I go back 2 steps in my "recovery?.

I was working on myself with gym/eating/sleeping. But I've gone back to square one. I've not eaten for a week because of anxiety.

I think personally I will proactively seek more distance.

To do this I am going to deactivate my fb. That way I haven't got to see how "wonderful" her life is without me and her contacting me will be a bit tougher.

Also I'm going to organise for the lads to meet me in a different street, they can just walk round to me, eliminating the chance of seeing her completely.

I'm going to text her mom and say only contact me if the kids have had an accident.

With regards to days out, I can chat to the lads on xbox about where we are going and whether they need swimming kits etc.

If she doesn't improve on her tardiness, I will cut contact with the kids because its not fair on them and seek visitation through a legal representative.

She told me also 2 weeks ago that she was seeing a solicitor about the divorce but no paperwork has come through yet? I think she's full of it, ill get the ball rolling.

Thoughts/advice?

Edited October 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Jagged100]

I'm sorry you're hurting, and I hope you will feel stronger in time. Your ex is trying to hurt you and show off, as unpleasant as that is at least you know what she's up to. Take matters into your own hands and start official procedures to end the marriage and most importantly clarify custody arrangements. Don't expect her to respect you and your wishes.

 

Please don't cut off contacts with the kids, their lives have been disrupted enough and they need their Dad. You're not giving her the satisfaction of showing your pain, keep it up. I'd suggest counseling for your anxiety and to have an impartial person to vent to and give you perspective.

 

Goodluck and I really hope things work out for you.

[chris261083]

I'm sorry you're hurting, and I hope you will feel stronger in time. Your ex is trying to hurt you and show off, as unpleasant as that is at least you know what she's up to. Take matters into your own hands and start official procedures to end the marriage and most importantly clarify custody arrangements. Don't expect her to respect you and your wishes.

 

Please don't cut off contacts with the kids, their lives have been disrupted enough and they need their Dad. You're not giving her the satisfaction of showing your pain, keep it up. I'd suggest counseling for your anxiety and to have an impartial person to vent to and give you perspective.

 

Goodluck and I really hope things work out for you.

 

Thanks for your opinion jagged.

The reason why I mentioned cutting my contact with the kids is because its not fair on them. If it happens again I will seek a court order. At least then she knows she will be in the **** if she doesn't comply with the access agreement we both agreed too.

I just messaged my son and told him what they need tomorrow as we are going boating. I've told him where to meet and what time. He messages back and says, mom will walk us over to you????? I mean ffs, is she stupid? The youngest Is 9 and I've told him to hold his brothers hand whilst coming to me. There's not even a busy road to cross.

It just feels like a possible situation that's being made impossible.

I don't get it, I don't bother her and her new bf at all.

My son doesn't want him in the house but there's not a lot i can do about it, I'm just offering emotional support for him and letting him know I'm here.

I am not with anyone else, nor am I actively seeking a new relationship. I got too much **** on my plate to be getting involved with someone else, plus it wouldn't be fair. I am in no position to offer anybody anything.

This guy she's with is literally the first guy that showed any interest in her.

And she rubbed it in my face lol.

Like I said, he moved in pretty much overnight, has been spending time with her family and even went on holiday with them 2 weeks after my ex met him. My kids said he's ok but that doesn't mean they want him there lol.

The point in making is if she's so happy why is she trying to piss me off?

Like I said, my friend said she is probably hurting as much as me but I don't see it. Saying that, she doesn't know I'm a mess right now

[chris261083]

Like I said in my previous post, I have not been perfect due to things that have happened but I'm trying to sort myself out and working through that.

I am genuinely a good guy who has always been there for her and the kids. I don't understand why she wants me to suffer so much.

[bummer]

Hey, I dont think she's trying to hurt you. I think you are trying to hurt you. It never helps to tell an anxious person to relax, but you honestly should look into things which will calm your mind down and let you see the world from outside your own perspective. Are you sleeping well?

[chris261083]

I think she is trying to hurt me. I spoke with her mom earlier about my son. He has disclosed today that his mom and her new partner have been drinking a lot and that he still doesn't want the new guy living with him. I asked her mom why she's acting in such a self destructive manner and from what I gathered she is struggling go come to terms with the breakup.

This could explain her bull**** messages and choosing to see me.

So I don't think I am hurting myself so to speak, I just think I'm getting not 1 ounce of respect regarding my wishes.

And sleep is **** right now, has been for 6 weeks. I work nights and a few times I've not slept in-between shifts.