How to justify?

[judy]

I feel really bad today. Just find out my ex made his wife pregnant and she is the one he cheated on me. and long story short, last year, when I was pregnant with his second , and our first was only 11 months, he started seeing this woman ,and after we broke off, he married her within 3 months.

 

I had gone through very tough time and now finally moved on. I no longer think about them, and what he did to me.

 

I now heard his wife got pregnant, I feel exploded. and had all those bad feelings again.

 

Why God not listening to my prayers? How to justify my hurt and my loss?

[reservoirdog1]

Every positive development from a recent ex's life that we hear about hurts. Mostly, I think, because we hear it and think, "it should have been ME with her/him right now!"

 

My serial cheating now-ex wife just moved into the house that her rich, 2x older than her sugar daddy bought her. My kids too, and she has them 65% of the time. That's really messed me up over the last few weeks, so much so that for the first time in my working life, I'm taking a "mental health day".

[wakamiya]

Just passing through the forums, and thought I better say something than nothing.

 

I really wish there was some way I could help you... I'll be praying.

[New_Wife]

I don't know if this will help you, but I used to write these really angry diatribes to my ex. I'd wish all sorts of foul things on him & his new interest(s). Everything from crippling polio to chronic pubic lice. I got nasty! Then, I'd tear the letters up and throw them away. Some I'd keep just for me, and look back later and laugh at my own creativity in the sick fantasies.

 

It's not for everyone, but sometimes it cleared the emotional traffic out of my head to put it on paper. I NEVER sent anything to him. It was just for me.

[judy]

So there is no justice for people did wrong?

 

How do I justify the whole ordeal?

[Breathe]

There is always justice, you just may not hear about it.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by judy

So there is no justice for people did wrong?

 

How do I justify the whole ordeal?

 

karma, what goes around comes around.

[judy]

But why they seem getting better and better while I am sufferring here? And being alone?

 

Is God having any plans?

 

Any good examples of what goes around comes around?

[reservoirdog1]

I have a good example of Karma, but now -- over a year and a half later -- it feels like it wasn't enough.

 

A little over a month after separating from my serial cheating XW, somebody -- and it wasn't me -- sent an email to a couple of hundred people. Most of them she knew, many others were relevant to her line of work. That email said that she'd been caught cheating on me with several guys, that we'd split and that she was an unrepentant liar. I know there are a few people out there who hate her so it was probably one of them.

 

That messed her up pretty bad. My overriding feeling at the time was, "wow, karma works fast sometimes." But that's now in the past. She's just moved into a house her rich, same-age-as-her-father BF bought her. She has the kids more than I do so they live there too part of the time. And I'm going through a serious funk right now. I keep hoping something else will happen to her and that she'll get knocked off her feet again.

 

I know I shouldn't feel this way, that I have to let go of the past and concentrate more on fixing my life and ignoring hers. But it's tough sometimes. I feel like she ended up getting rewarded for being a lying manipulative cheat for years, and I'm still waiting to get rewarded for having been an honest, loving and loyal husband.

[judy]

exactly. Everyday I wish something happen to them. But now he got her pregnant, I felt very very down.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I think your prayers were answered the day he married the OM. You're better off without him.

[judy]

That is very encouraging.

 

Thanks

[judy]

Plus, I guess I will feel very very peace when I know he got punished.

 

Is this a normal way to think?

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by judy

Plus, I guess I will feel very very peace when I know he got punished.

 

Is this a normal way to think?

 

when you make a better life for yourself without him than you could have had with him, then you'll be rewarded.

 

it's normal to be angry and want him to be punished for a short while in the beginning. But you need to slowly let go of those feelings and work on yourself. When you actively and constantly wish bad things to happen to someone, bad things will happen to you (karma). When something bad happens to you and you move along graciously, good things will happen to you (karma).

 

When my stbxh left me, he left me in a very cruel way. He told me that all I did was take and take from him, and all he did was give and give to me, and that this is the universes way of balancing things out and if I dont change my ways bad things will happen to me. I was devasted and destroyed, lowest point in my entire life. I handled it with as much grace as I possibly could. A few weeks later, I got invited to a birthday party so went to the store to look for a small gift. It was a horrible crappy cold snowy day, but as I returned and entered my car i looked into the rear view mirror and asked myself do I really want to go out and clean that snow off? All of a sudden, this woman out of nowhere started to clear off my car for me, and then proceeded to do hers. I was shocked at the generosity this woman showed me and thanked her. She was a woman reverend from out of town visiting on a woman's convention. I was blown away and always saw that as a sign that the universe wasnt out to get me, that I did return back to the universe as much as I took and this was proof of me receiving something I needed at a desperate time in my life.

 

It's been 6 months now, with very limited contact with my stbxh. I spoke to him face to face last week, and things were still tense between us. After our meeting, I decided to send him a letter to appologize for all the things I did to ruin this marriage. He replied saying he regretted the way he left. He still thinks about it and it makes him sick to his stomach. That was enough karma I needed.

 

You might not see his regret. He might not even have regret. But in either case, the universe will balance things out. Focus on yourself and make yourself happy. Let the universe take care of everything else.

[brashgal]

But why they seem getting better and better while I am sufferring here?

 

It may seem that things are getting better and better but noone really knows what goes on behind closed doors. I used to wish for lots of horrible stuff to happen to the woman my ex cheated on me with, especially after he moved in with her. I still occasionally picture her taking a bullet to the head. Their life seems picture perfect, they enjoy the same outdoor activities, she works part-time and only has her kids half time so they have their alone time - all stuff I wished for and rarely got when I was married.

 

Then I heard reports from my kids and others who witness his verbal abuse against her. She just shuts up and takes it. And I find myself feeling a little sorry for her (amazingly) because I know what that felt like to be abused and humiliated in front of others. So I would not trade places with her. I'm better off here even though I don't yet have an SO, I don't have anyone abusing me either.

[judy]

After a year, I feel I focus more and more day by day on myself and my two kids.

 

Just sometimes look at my child, I feel so bad for them to have to live in a single family, while they are going to have a kid with a complete family.

[dgiirl]

Judy, I'm sorry for your pain. I can empathize with how difficult things can be, but one good thing your kids have is you, a very caring and loving mother. And when they grow up, they will remember what happen and they will get strength from you. Your world was torn apart, but you didnt let it stop you. You picked yourself up and continued on with life. The best example of courage a child can get.

 

Be proud of yourself!

[hoppy28]

please dont think for one second you cant provide these kids what they need in life. my father walked out on my mother when i was 13 or so. he was cheating on her with who knows who and how many. from that point on it was my mother siter and myself. i would see him here and there...........whenever we fit into his busy lifestyle. the day he left is the day i became "man" of the house. i grieved about my father leaving..........but i soon put my feelings away to help my mother cope.

we all made it through. we were our own family. ive only know my mother to have had one other boyfriend since her divorce. she has been single for many years now. she gave me everything my father didnt. she put us both through college(i also took out a big loan im still paying for) she did everything a mother and a father should do for us....................without the help of my father.

 

on to the other point i have........................karma.

 

my father lived in the "fast lane". you know the big spender, the funny guy, the business owner, the golf club "popular guy".

he was everything................except a good father. he eventually went on to marry one of the ladies he was cheating on my mother with. i really never liked this lady from the start. how could i?? she's part of the reason this happend.

a few years after they were married my father got very sick. he had an anurizm, had major brain surgery, a stroke, etc, etc. he's lucky to be alive.

he isnt the same person he was before. imagine a son and father swapping roles?? thats how it is.

his wife eventually couldnt handle this change........................she lives 1000 miles away. she has drained everybit of money from my father as she can. she doesnt love him anymore. he's to nieve to even think about it. im positive she's with someone else. he may very well live in the house "they" had built.

my father would never know.

 

i guess my point is......................what comes around can go around. i see my father now and i know the biggest mistake he ever made was cheating on my mother. to this day i resent what he did..............we have never had that talk. now he's disabled i dont think we ever will.

 

be strong..............all you need is you and your kids.

[judy]

Thank you very much, Hoppy28.

 

To me, my sons are now 6 and 2, and have to abort the last one because he started seeing this woman and made up some excuses for me to abort it. And I felt justified when I heard his woman had cervical problems, but now she got pregnant.

 

I resented the fact that he did not want to have anything to do with my son (for 6 months he did not visit him). and now building a life in the same house we built with that woman he cheated on me. I guess at this moment, I only will feel peace if he got punished. But seems not soon enough. They are expecting another baby now. (by the way, he has 3 kids from 3 different women). I just feel not justified enough.

 

I know what comes around will go around. I just wish that day come as earlier as possible.

 

And I had very, very rough time at the beginning when I found out the affair and abortion. But I have to focus on my sons when I was experienced depression, and anxieties. Now I getting better and bettter focusing on my daily life. They are handful, but at the end of the days, I feel so blessed I still have them.

 

Plus, I am having huge trust issues to start dating again. I have not seeing anybody for a year and half. And don't know how another guy will blend into our lifes.

 

Anyway, your story is so encouraging. I am doing my best to raise my sons and hopefully one day they will make me proud of them.

[hoppy28]

judy.....................your story brings a tear to my eye. it reminds me so much of what i experienced with my family. if i could hug you through this screen i would.

 

you have every right to have trust issues. why wouldnt you?? i to have the very same issues. ive been single for two years myself. i am not married and i dont have any kids so my situation doesnt even really compare to yours. i to resented my father for his actions..............and even to this day i think he made a mistake. my mother made it through, we all made it through.

there is nothing i can say that will take away the pain you are feeling. nobody can say anything to take my pain away aswell.

i can never try explain his actions. i will never understand them myself. i dont think you need to try and make any sense of his actions either.

he's not a good man judy. he's not a good father. he will take that to his grave with him. believe me when i tell you he will.

 

i recently let a woman into my life for the first time in two years. she was the "cheater" i was "the other person". i couldnt beleive i put myself into this situation. i was honestly blinded by her..............she was amazing. everyhting i had been waiting for in my life. everything was going wonderfull. we took it to the next level after acouple weeks. i was for once feeling ontop of the world.

she told me everything i wanted to hear, touched me in everyway i wanted to be touched, acted like she really trully felt for me. we had long talks about our feelings, honesty, etc. it felt i had found someone i could trust again.

 

i havent heard from her or seen her in 3 weeks. no she's not in the hospital or anything. she is with someone else. no smoke signals, calls, explanation. gone.

here i am back at square one.

 

with that story my point is......................please be very carefull when you do allow someone knew into your life. although i like to have the "benefit of the dought" attitude you never know who may hurt you. i opened up to this girl..........for what?

she took something from me when she left.

i will never call her for an explanation. i dont need one. her actions are all i need.

 

we need to stay positive.................i know it seems impossable but we do.

we have to beleieve there are good people out there. im sure there are some in your life.

 

take care of yourself and your children judy. i trully feel for you. i feel for anyone who has been cheated on...............or in general just cheated.

im not religous at all.................but i like to beleive someone is watching out for me

and ive asked that same person to please watch over you. i need a tissue!!!!

[judy]

Hoppy28, actually when I read your first reply this afternoon, I was in tears reading what your mother and you went through and how your father behaved. I was touched by your life story and feel for you. And I feel I was not the only one in this world sufferring.

 

I am sorry to hear about that girl's story. You must be heartbroken. I was there, I understand. My ex made promises that he will never leave me no matter what, and now look what he did. I just can not believe anybody anymore. I guess he was not mean for me, and I would say that girl who left you not mean for you too.

 

Hoppy28, you sound a very good man, you will find a good woman to share your life. I wish me one day will find somebody to be a good father model to my kids too.

 

Sometimes I believe everything happen for reasons. Maybe one day you will find your happiness and God bless you.

[hoppy28]

judy.................i would like to think someday she will come. so far its been nothing but letdowns. one of these days you will be rewarded and hopefully i aswell.

all we can do is keep being who we are. we are "good" people. we would never do the things that have been done to us. keep your chin high. keep walking forward and never look back. harder said then done...........i know im trying myself.

one day at time judy..................one day at a time.