Should I move on?

[anna92]

So I met what I thought was a great guy 2 months ago from a dating site. We had spoken a while ago, but nothing came from it and he came back again this August.

 

I thought everything was going great, we had only been on 5 dates due to him being on vacation, but he had made a real effort. He spoke about wanting to meet my parents and me to meet his, he said they asked about me all the time. He had told me how great he felt about me and that it was the first time in nearly 3 years he had found somebody he could see himself having a relationship with and that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I felt the same.

 

When we were together, the chemistry was great. I waited until the 4th date to sleep with him and he had gone to a lot of effort to make me feel comfortable, even buying me a toothbrush for his bathroom and I stayed over and he cooked breakfast in the morning.

 

After out last date, our texting seemed to start being less often. I knew he was busy with work (so he told me) and he was helping his sister renovate her house that weekend. Because I didn't want to annoy him whilst he was busy, I didn't text too often and that was the only reason. I was still missing him and wanting to see him but after the weekend I woke up one day to a big message about how he thought we were fading apart!

 

He said maybe we should rethink things because he is going to be very busy until Christmas with his 2nd job (a business he runs with his dad) so would have no weekends free and also he is really struggling financially. He said maybe we should see where we both are after Christmas as he will have no spare time and when I questioned this he said that he had really been battling with whether he can afford to be in a relationship at the moment - I know his last relationship had left him in a lot of debt. But to me, this felt like an excuse... money doesn't matter to me I am independent and would not expect a guy to pay for everything. He said it's a pride thing. He said if I want to talk, to text but if I want to move on and find somebody else he would understand. He said he needs to be there for his family at this time, as they are going through a bad patch too and are very close. He swore there was nobody else and he is not going to be looking for a relationship with anybody else. He said he wants all of those things, but just isn't possible for him right now.

 

Part of me wants to believe this is true and for him to come back to me and realize he misses me. But part of me things is it really because he's not sure if he likes me enough to continue? He didn't really seem to be bothered about not seeing me, 2 months is a long time! Will he come back? Or should I try and forget it and move on? He hasn't text me for a few days, and I don't know what to say to him now whether I should just be checking in on him as a friend or still as a potential boyfriend? Just very confused as it was all very sudden!

[1966Seahorse]

Hi anna92,

 

This is a bit tricky isn't it?!

 

You say:-

 

"... So I met what I thought was a great guy 2 months ago from a dating site. We had spoken a while ago, but nothing came from it and he came back again this August..."

 

When you had both "spoken a while ago" ... why did that fizzle out? And what made him suddenly appear again in August?

 

Have I got the next bit right? .... You have been on a total of 5 dates with him, on the 4th date you two slept with each other and after your last date, i.e. date 5, texting became less.

 

So, after him saying he was totally in to you, wanted parents to be met etc. etc. .... after you both slept together things trailed off.

 

If I have got this correct, I am struggling with why he went down the route of sleeping with you in the first place - this bit is where a red flag is waving at me.

 

He said that he wanted you to be his girlfriend .... yet he was too busy to put the effort in to make that a reality - no matter how busy you are you can ALWAYS put effort in to keeping in contact with someone - another red flag waving at me here.

 

I don't get how he seemed to be getting pretty full on and eager to have a relationship with you and sleep with you - then say it might be best to wait until after Christmas .... yep, another red flag is waving at me!

 

You say:-

 

"... But to me, this felt like an excuse... money doesn't matter to me I am independent and would not expect a guy to pay for everything. He said it's a pride thing ..."

 

This is waving "excuse" at me too to be honest

 

"... Part of me wants to believe this is true and for him to come back to me and realize he misses me. But part of me things is it really because he's not sure if he likes me enough to continue? .."

 

One way of finding out is to let him know that maybe it would be best (bearing in mind his commitment issues with his family for the next few months) to cut contact .... and once the New Year has arrived, if he then wishes to pursue a potential relationship with you, he can contact you.

If you are still single at that point then you can decide

 

"... Or should I try and forget it and move on? .."

 

Yes, I think you should in the meantime forget it ... it sounds to me he is keeping you on the back boiler "just in case"

 

"... and I don't know what to say to him now whether I should just be checking in on him as a friend or still as a potential boyfriend?..

 

I would just say to him that perhaps it would be best to leave things for now, as he is too busy to commit at the moment ... if things change in the New Year then by all means contact you to see where you both are

 

I would not put your life on hold for something that may or may not happen.

 

I wish you all the best!

[Zahara]

I think you should move on. He's avoidant. He can't even manage a phone conversation with you but rather has suggested texting if you need to talk. As for all the reasons, I think those are more excuses that he's using to avoid moving forward with you. I think the shine has worn off for him and he's checked out. He's just too much of a coward to say it so he's come up with these excuses (I'm sure he's known about his schedule and financial situation long before) to keep you away.

 

He noted that he's accepting if you want to start dating/find someone else. All over text? Personally, I'd shut the door and move on. He sounds emotionally stunted.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I'm getting a strong backup option vibe here.

 

His excuses didn't sound all that convincing or genuine. There were too many of them, and none of them would stop him if he was really keen.

 

I'd be more inclined to believe that he was seeing someone else (or more than one) to keep his options open, while leaving you a few breadcrumbs via text to keep you as a backup.

 

I could be wrong, but regardless he isn't showing enough interest to warrant more of your time or investment. The best you will get from a guy like this is a fwb situation, but is unlikely to make good boyfriend material.

 

I think you deserve better.

[anna92]

Yes, I agree that it definitely does seem like he is trying to keep me as an option. When I had said to him now this looks like he had just wanted sex and then changed his mind, his response was that he can see how it looked but that wasn't the case and he never set out to hurt me. He does like me but he set out hoping he could make it work, but now it was becoming impossible for the next few weeks anyway. He was making out that he was in a bad place mentally because he had been worrying about his finances and how he was going to afford a relationship. He did go into a lot of detail via text for his reasoning including that I am great and that it his him who is the problem, he said I am beautiful inside and out and why would a guy want somebody else...

 

Even so this now would still be a worry, as even if we got together, this does not strike me as somebody who would be willing to put me as a priority in a relationship the way I would them.

 

I know that I deserve better, but I struggle after the end of a bad relationship, I've also been single for a while now and find it hard to meet and trust somebody There is so much disappointment and game playing that comes with it, especially online dating. I'd got to a point where I had kind of given up hope of finding somebody before he came back into my life and was so so persistent with me, which is why it's even more of a set back for me. Sometimes I think is it me as guys always date me for a bit and then seems they always want to look for a better option.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I know it's hard, but the right guy is out there. Sometimes it just takes a little longer than anticipated, but it is worth the wait!

 

Part of the process is to filter out the time wasters and players as early on as possible. You'll start to hear the same lazy excuses, pick up lines, and other red flags that will let you know the quality of the man your dealing with.

 

Character is so important, and although you feel disappointed by this guy right now, it sounds like you are already starting to see that he doesn't have a lot of long term potential for you anyway.

 

So while he may not have ruled you out as an option, you can easily turn the tables and reject him for not showing enough of the qualities you are looking for in a man.

 

The best advice I can give is know what your deal breakers are and always trust your instincts.

[Gaeta]

Excuses excuses excuses.

 

He may have been genuine at the time but his feeling changed after you've become intimate. Maybe he realized he's not ready to invest himself, maybe he got a call from an ex he was still pining over, maybe he didn't like the sex, what ever it is he won't tell you to not hurt your feelings further more. He came up with these excuses so you think it's him, and not you.

 

Please move on. It's frustrating and hurtful but it's part of dating and finding the right 'someone'. Don't dwell too much on it, you did nothing wrong.

[ReallyDarlingReally]

I thought everything was going great, we had only been on 5 dates due to him being on vacation, but he had made a real effort. He spoke about wanting to meet my parents and me to meet his, he said they asked about me all the time. He had told me how great he felt about me and that it was the first time in nearly 3 years he had found somebody he could see himself having a relationship with and that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I felt the same.

 

- What was the effort he made? A man treating you like a woman in NOT a real effort. It's what he is suppose to do-

-Anything a guy says for the first half of dating, take it as face value. Don't believe most of it-

 

When we were together, the chemistry was great. I waited until the 4th date to sleep with him and he had gone to a lot of effort to make me feel comfortable, even buying me a toothbrush for his bathroom and I stayed over and he cooked breakfast in the morning.

 

-Dear women, DO NOT put a number on when to sleep with a guy. If your first date was Monday, second date was Tuesday, third date was Thursday, fourth date was Saturday...that means he got the goods in under 7 days. Next time wait longer than 3 mo's anytime under that is too early.-

 

-Don't let him treat you like the girlfriend when you're not and Don't play the role of a girlfriend when you're not. Why? because he's got you right where he wants you without commitment.-

 

After out last date, our texting seemed to start being less often.

 

-he was doing the fade away/trying to ghost you-

 

I woke up one day to a big message about how he thought we were fading apart!

 

-He felt bad about fading so he sent that. He's into someone or something else that's more important than you-

 

He said maybe we should rethink things because he is going to be very busy until Christmas with his 2nd job

 

-HA! If he can go to the bathroom and take a dump, he can send you a text. No one. NO ONE is that busy where you don't hear from them for days unless the job requires no phones-

 

 

(a business he runs with his dad) so would have no weekends free and also he is really struggling financially. He said maybe we should see where we both are after Christmas as he will have no spare time and when I questioned this he said that he had really been battling with whether he can afford to be in a relationship at the moment - I know his last relationship had left him in a lot of debt. But to me, this felt like an excuse... money doesn't matter to me I am independent and would not expect a guy to pay for everything. He said it's a pride thing. He said if I want to talk, to text but if I want to move on and find somebody else he would understand. He said he needs to be there for his family at this time, as they are going through a bad patch too and are very close. He swore there was nobody else and he is not going to be looking for a relationship with anybody else. He said he wants all of those things, but just isn't possible for him right now.

 

Part of me wants to believe this is true and for him to come back to me and realize he misses me. But part of me things is it really because he's not sure if he likes me enough to continue?

 

-Sounds like a load of crap, However, It could be true. I would let him go and IF he comes back, make it clear that you would like to be his girlfriend or nothing at all. You're obviously into this guy as more than friends. So being his friend isn't enough. Don't sit on the side lines waiting for him to come around either. He may be going through things but his life is not yours. I would date others-

[Miss Spider]

Wow, that's a lot of future faking you got there. That aside, I have used the "let's pick up things after Christmas" line just recently and yes, Zahara is correct in that it is avoidant behavior and I wasn't sure about the guy.(stuck on my ex" 75% on OLD are on the rebound

Edited October 29, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[coolheadal]

Wow, that's a lot of future faking you got there. That aside, I have used the "let's pick up things after Christmas" line just recently and yes, Zahara is correct in that it is avoidant behavior and I wasn't sure about the guy.(stuck on my ex" 75% on OLD are on the rebound

 

I have to agree with cookie on this one, but I like to add 100% on OLD are rebounds, lying, cheating, still married, unstable across the board.

[anna92]

It is a strange one because he was the one who was talking about future plans, wanting the relationship etc etc and this came out of the blue, but also he would say how he is so cautious because he has been hurt before in his last relationship. So the underlying fact is he probably had doubts, but was trying to cover them up.

 

What I don't get is why not just say I don't think this is for me, why give me hope of something happening in a few weeks. The time we were together his family were constantly contacting him and wanting him to do things for them so it is partly believable and I could see he would get annoyed and say he'd told them he'd made plans with me... but end up cutting our plans short to accommodate them (I knew this was true as I heard the phone calls and could see texts, so knew it wasn't another woman in this case). But still doesn't make sense how to want to drop things with me for a few weeks completely.

 

He said "if we are both still single and wanting the relationship in the new year then it will happen, but don't be afraid to meet somebody maybe better than me or put your life on hold for me". I'm certainly not putting my life on hold, but if he has checked out then why say that? I'd rather cut and run than have this confusion and wondering in the back of my mind!

[Zahara]

It's called future faking. It's very common. In the beginning euphoria takes over and people start planning ahead. When some level of normalcy starts to set in (excitement fading), the reality hits and most times they realize they're not as invested.

 

He gave you hope because often times they keep you on the backburner. Guys like him are avoidant. When it gets too close and they feel that there are certain expectations that now need to be fulfilled and the relationship progresses, they step back. Once those uncomfortable feelings subside, they will revisit the dumpee and the cycle starts all over again. They try to keep a door open (pick back up New Years) so that they can have access to you when they need you/option.

[Miss Spider]

I have to agree with cookie on this one, but I like to add 100% on OLD are rebounds, lying, cheating, still married, unstable across the board.

 

lol that statistic sounds about right! A good 80% alone are rebounding!

[smackie9]

Excuses excuses excuses.

 

He may have been genuine at the time but his feeling changed after you've become intimate. Maybe he realized he's not ready to invest himself, maybe he got a call from an ex he was still pining over, maybe he didn't like the sex, what ever it is he won't tell you to not hurt your feelings further more. He came up with these excuses so you think it's him, and not you.

 

Please move on. It's frustrating and hurtful but it's part of dating and finding the right 'someone'. Don't dwell too much on it, you did nothing wrong.

This 100%^^^^, he's not wanting to be serious with you. The writing is on the wall....move on.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yup, had the sex and he is ready to move on. Future talk/faking is common to get girls thinking he is genuine about the future with you included. Many buy into it. Talking about parents, etc. only after five dates is not necessarily a positive sign. Also, he came back to you, so you were never a top priority. While away, he couldn't have what he wanted, so came back to you.

 

Sorry, but take things slowly and don't buy into future talk/faking. As we well know, actions speak louder than words and the actions need to be consistent and the duration long enough to accurately assess motive and commitment.

 

Easier said than done....