Did he ghost me? Can I do anything to get back on track

[Butterfly1444]

Hi everyone!! I’m new to this forum and I’m super excited to see the advice I get back. So online dating has become pretty popular now a days. I met this guy on Bumble. We were talking for about 3 weeks via texting and phone calls. After 3 weeks I felt as though I learned a lot about him and enough to still be interested. We live about 45 min away from each other and our timing to meet wasn’t really working out when we wanted it to, so I invited him to come over for our first official meet. We had the convo about why I was inviting him over. Explaining that I felt like it was ok to do bc I am interested and not looking for a one night stand. When discussing about coming over that night he also agreed with the same intentions. Long story short .. we slept together right away! I had no regrets and i felt like it was right. Nothing was awkward.. he texted me the following day (next day #1)and we had a great flirty normal convo. Next day day #2 I texted him and just asked about his day.. he asked about mine and the responses were done after I responded (I left the convo as that . Next day #3 no contact .. next day 4 I texted him “Hey! Good morning Just had breakfast with my Girl and she told me about this zip lining adventure course in Santa Cruz and it looked pretty cool. Are you down to go this weekend? “ he responded saying that sounds super sick but I can’t bc I have work Saturday ( which I already knew he had work on saturdays so I responded saying “Saturday I have a Test in the AM and I’m driving to Santa Rosa to drop off donations after that...how does Sunday morning / afternoon work? Since you have to be in Novato at night... I don’t want to distract you from that. It’s gonna be hellllllaa fun ”. I did not get any response from him I waited 5 days to hear from him and I didn’t, so I sent him this text “Hey!

I guess from your lack of response that it is it for us.... I had a lot of fun though

- from this gorgeous girl named Andriana that you’re probably not seeing anymore lol “ The gorgeous girl part is an inside joke we had. It’s been 10 days and still no contact ; however he opens my snap chats here and there... why is he ignoring me? Did he ghost me? It’s really bothering me bc I don’t know what went wrong? What do I do? Can I regain his interest? How?

[heavenonearth]

Why do you want to regain his interest? Do you really want to chase a guy?

 

May I ask your age and his age?

 

I think you made a few mistakes:

 

1. Mistake: Talking for someone for 3 weeks before meeting. Never do that! if I see I click with someone right away, I will set up a date within a day or two. If you text for too long, you may get emotionally attached to the idea of a person. Once you meet in real life, you may be let down by what that person is actually like. Likely, this happened with your guy.

 

2. Mistake: Inviting him over to your house for a first date. Never invite someone over for a first date, nor go over to their place for the first date. I feel this is sort of self explanatory.

 

3. Mistake: Sex on first date. Don't have sex on first date after inviting someone over for a first date and after proclaiming you do not want to have sex on first date. It NEVER works.

And you set yourself up for disappointment.

My general rule of thumb is sex after 2nd or 3rd date min. Don't wait too long either, because if it's not gonna happen, it's just not gonna happen (and again -- expectations...).

 

4. Mistake: Pestering him after he ghosted you. Yeah, that was very ****ty of him! I hate his guts for it, and I am sorry this happened to you! But if your instinct tells you something is off, 80% of the time it is.

 

In conclusion: Move on. Go date someone else. And don't repeat above mentioned mistakes.

Edited October 26, 2017 by heavenonearth

[Butterfly1444]

Thank you for the response.. both of us are 26.. when dating I always wait after 2nd to 3rd date until giving it up.. just this time around it happened like this.. lesson learned I guess.. i thought that bc I was so interested in him and attracted I was with I guess his words.. he got Me...

[Butterfly1444]

Thank you for the response.. both of us are 26.. when dating I always wait after 2nd to 3rd date until giving it up.. just this time around it happened like this.. lesson learned I guess.. i thought that bc I was so interested in him and attracted I was with I guess his words.. he got Me...

[Miss Spider]

I hate to say it, but sounds like he is no longer interested. He's ignoring you. My guess is he got what he came for all along and has lost interest(for now at least). He may come back around if he's lonely

 

Regardless, looks like he was not invested and has moved on and you should too!!Text/phone communication sets up false intimacy' so to speak. You guys really don't know how it's going to go until you meet face to face!!! And don't go by the third date rule either because every guys knows thats the official sex date so they'll wait til the third date ? lol. That's just conjecture.

 

 

On a side note: I see this pattern I've been reading with guys who hookup with girls and "ghost/fade".They look at the snaps, 'like' social media stuff, etc. It sounds so skeevy to me...like a serial killer who goes back to the scene of his crime. Okay, that's a bit extreme xD. But it seems creepy.

Edited October 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Butterfly1444]

First time doing this so I think it’s more of my ego that’s all upset.. but is it ok for me to text him and say “ I’m not the type to go around and sleep around .. sleeping with you so soon was my first time doing so and I would have really appreciated if you were just honest with me from the get go of your intentions as i shared mine with you. Really not that one night stand type of chick”

[Miss Spider]

First time doing this so I think it’s more of my ego that’s all upset.. but is it ok for me to text him and say “ I’m not the type to go around and sleep around .. sleeping with you so soon was my first time doing so and I would have really appreciated if you were just honest with me from the get go of your intentions as i shared mine with you. Really not that one night stand type of chick”

 

NO!!!!!! Don't do that. Don't say anything like "i'm not that kind of girl".That will not change his perception of you at all. Girls say that all the time. It's your actions that count and he will not believe you. Just ignore him.

 

Brush this one off and learn from it. I can understand being hurt but most likely it has nothing to do with you and it's hi. At worst it means it just wasn't a match. You don't want to continue with someone who is not a match for you anyway.

 

Remember you got w a hot guy...that's an ego boost

Edited October 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Imajerk17]

I am a guy here--but not really a jerk (usually)-- this is my perspective:

 

1. You really did nothing wrong--including your texts btw, in that there was nothing you could have done to have kept him around. By sleeping w him so soon you kind of did make yourself vulnerable before you had a better idea of the guy's intentions, BUT I've seen women for an extended time after sex happened on the first date. And I know of instances where things fizzled fast right after having sex even though they "waited".

 

2. There's nothing you can do to "get him back"--and why would you even want to. This guy acted like a jackass and he knows it.

 

Anyway that is my take.

Edited October 26, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Versacehottie]

Hi everyone!! I’m new to this forum and I’m super excited to see the advice I get back. So online dating has become pretty popular now a days. I met this guy on Bumble. We were talking for about 3 weeks via texting and phone calls. After 3 weeks I felt as though I learned a lot about him and enough to still be interested. We live about 45 min away from each other and our timing to meet wasn’t really working out when we wanted it to, so I invited him to come over for our first official meet. We had the convo about why I was inviting him over. Explaining that I felt like it was ok to do bc I am interested and not looking for a one night stand. When discussing about coming over that night he also agreed with the same intentions. Long story short .. we slept together right away! I had no regrets and i felt like it was right. Nothing was awkward.. he texted me the following day (next day #1)and we had a great flirty normal convo. Next day day #2 I texted him and just asked about his day.. he asked about mine and the responses were done after I responded (I left the convo as that . Next day #3 no contact .. next day 4 I texted him “Hey! Good morning Just had breakfast with my Girl and she told me about this zip lining adventure course in Santa Cruz and it looked pretty cool. Are you down to go this weekend? “ he responded saying that sounds super sick but I can’t bc I have work Saturday ( which I already knew he had work on saturdays so I responded saying “Saturday I have a Test in the AM and I’m driving to Santa Rosa to drop off donations after that...how does Sunday morning / afternoon work? Since you have to be in Novato at night... I don’t want to distract you from that. It’s gonna be hellllllaa fun ”. I did not get any response from him I waited 5 days to hear from him and I didn’t, so I sent him this text “Hey!

I guess from your lack of response that it is it for us.... I had a lot of fun though

- from this gorgeous girl named Andriana that you’re probably not seeing anymore lol “ The gorgeous girl part is an inside joke we had. It’s been 10 days and still no contact ; however he opens my snap chats here and there... why is he ignoring me? Did he ghost me? It’s really bothering me bc I don’t know what went wrong? What do I do? Can I regain his interest? How?

 

ooops, most if not all of the guys I'm friends with would see the sequence of events as not positive to moving forward with you. (sorry!) It was kinda a train wreck to read.

 

Yes agree that you "talked" for too long before meeting up. I think you need to leave a lot of that to be discovered on the date. Think of it like this: the excitement you felt in the first 3 weeks of talking was now absent on the date--if you could put the momentum and excitement of that ONTO the actual date, you will be in better shape for success. Anything that feels lackluster or a let down compared to what has happened previously puts you a place to have him lose interest (or even YOU might lose interest!). For sake of relationship potential, I think it's best to keep talk before minimal or spontaneously in the present. Anything interview-ish or comparing life histories is not good IMO.

 

Second what the person said about having him come over. Huh? I think you should expect and hold out for more from a guy who claims to want to date you. That suggestion has hookup vibes all over it. And BTW, guys typically like girls who they feel the need to impress and win over. (not where you are playing hard to get or mean to him but have personal standards of who you let into your life and how). Inviting him over is akin to a "one night stand" territory more than dating territory so that in itself was a risk. Telling him you're interested also lays ALL your cards on the table, combined with inviting him to your place--the guy has NO work to do, it will dull his interest.

 

Then you started chasing him by inviting him to santa cruz. Let him chase you a bit, set the pace so you can see his actual interest. It also can scare a guy off who feels like he is in an insta-relationship and is not sure yet. Then you offered an alternative rather than letting him offer one by telling him all your schedule and slotting him in for the very next day (sunday vs saturday). Says you are wide open for a relationship with him--too much pressure and perhaps clingy is what he might be worried about. And he might want to set the pace, decide something.

 

Still chasing after you did not hear back from him. Um no, don't do that. And when you did, you made the assumption that he wouldn't want to/is not going to date you. Too insecure and too deep. If he has any interest left, he feels he has to "answer" the question and reassure your insecurities and again would be promising more than he feels comfortable offering. IF you texted him at all, it should have been lighthearted and full of confidence, easy and easy to answer. Your tone was breezy but the content was heavy.

 

So I think it's done. Don't put too much weight on him looking at the snaps. Often it means nothing! There is nothing you can do. If he contacts you, you can deal with it then by acting more like you should have originally and more cautious of someone that has now disappeared on you. In the future after the santa cruz text, you should have backed off and let him pursue you fully. A lot of times guys will do a little back and forth while they get themselves used to the idea of gf or being in a relationship or dating a person. Plus even now you are wondering how you can do all the work (to get back in)--you have to let a guy 'drive' things more, so he can 'decide" it's what he wants to do. I'm not saying act like a wallflower and not every guy would have been turned off by your behavior but a lot of them (i think the majority). And your behavior got in the way of him seeing you for you (your personality, etc). Good luck

[Butterfly1444]

Perfect response!! Shoulda, woulda, coulda...& I def got in my head and did not think of things as you explained. Especially possibly giving the perseption of my being insecure and or clingy. Totally new to the dating thing after being single for 2 years from a long term relationship. Lesson learned thank you for the perspective and advice

[d0nnivain]

You stay on your track . . . seeking a BF. Just realize he's not it.

 

Understand -- an invite to someone's home is generally accepted as code for NSA sex. You two had sex. He probably assumed you have sex with everybody that quickly & while he was down for sex, he doesn't respect you enough to date you.

[Versacehottie]

Perfect response!! Shoulda, woulda, coulda...& I def got in my head and did not think of things as you explained. Especially possibly giving the perseption of my being insecure and or clingy. Totally new to the dating thing after being single for 2 years from a long term relationship. Lesson learned thank you for the perspective and advice

 

I definitely think the best chance for a good relationship is when each side gives a little bit and then expects a little in return, AND WAITS FOR IT, and it grows from there. I think that even applies for things that are more established. You want to create balance from the beginning--it shows the other person you believe you have worth and you hold out for what a person of worth would accept behavior-wise. That is what a guy does almost naturally due to their male conditioning (even if it comes off as or gets muddled into us believing they have worth). Basically any of his responses that left you wondering if he was going to reciprocate you probably should have done just that---wait until he reciprocates or matched your level of interest you showed, i.e. one of the simplest formats of that is if you don't receive a text back in which there is an invite, the ball is completely in his court because why would you be interested or at least you would be questioning your interest of a guy who did not respond. One of the easiest ways to get around this confusion or possible misrepresentation at the beginning, is to let the guy lead more than you did. It's hard when you are excited and just being yourself with invites but it also implies where you want to be headed which is a lot to take in. Good luck

[LoverOfDance]

"he doesn't respect you enough to date you" - you would never hear any woman say she doesn't respect a man because he had sex with her too quickly. Never have I heard a woman say this. Men can have sex as quickly as they want and no one will view them negatively but if women have sex quickly, they are viewed as loose and possibly slutty.

 

Men apparently don't have to have any self control. Nobody will blame the man for not controlling himself and waiting but everyone blames the woman. Sad to be honest.

[Butterfly1444]

Right!? It’s a double standard.. I thought I was making it clear to him before he Came over that there was no judgement like that, which is why I explained my reasoning to why I was letting him come over .. but it is what it is I guess .. (learning from this experience )

[ExpatInItaly]

Definitely do not text him again. You don't need to explain yourself to him. He participated in first-date sex too, and you don't see him tripping over himself to justify or rationalize that choice, do you?

 

Sometimes it's just not a match. Sure, he got a little sex out of it but for whatever reason, he's not interested in anything more. That's out of your hands, and why would even want to try to re-attract a guy who ignores you?

 

In the future, don't invite a guy to your house on the first meeting. Implications of sex aside for a moment, it's just not wise to invite a virtual stranger into your home. Three weeks of talking does not mean you know the real him, and it's not a safe call.

Edited October 27, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[Nadine123]

Hi

 

I also posted about something similar a couple of days ago. I met a guy and we had sex on the first date and he completely ignored me for a month and a half until he felt lonely and things went downhill from here.

 

One thing I learnt from this forum is to never have sex with a guy on a first date if you want something more. Its a double standard I know but sadly this is how the world works. Get to know someone first before you sleep with them and take this as a lesson. I know how you feel because I really liked him too but everything happens for a reason. Perhaps this happened to prepare you for the amazing guy you will hopefully meet soon.

[heavenonearth]

Hi

 

I also posted about something similar a couple of days ago. I met a guy and we had sex on the first date and he completely ignored me for a month and a half until he felt lonely and things went downhill from here.

 

One thing I learnt from this forum is to never have sex with a guy on a first date if you want something more. Its a double standard I know but sadly this is how the world works. Get to know someone first before you sleep with them and take this as a lesson. I know how you feel because I really liked him too but everything happens for a reason. Perhaps this happened to prepare you for the amazing guy you will hopefully meet soon.

 

Yep, always wait until second date

[Nadine123]

pretty sure im going to wait for a longer time.