Wife had EA with OM and went NC with him, but there's complex factors in this EA.

[Stormnsand1505g]

I'm 36.

 

My wife Carolyn is 34, and we've been together since we were 22, married aged 25, and we have an 18-month old daughter, Katie (not her real name).

 

She works as an attorney here in Southern California (I commute to work in LA everyday, I'm in management in IT-related work).

 

On Monday my wife confessed to me she'd been involved in an EA with an OM, who's 51, and a judge. I asked her to tell me everything, and she actually named names, told me that the judge she had an EA with was someone she'd never actually met in person, she'd met him via a social networking site for attorneys and other legal professionals to discuss issues relating to law etc.

 

I asked her to tell me more about this EA and she said she'd been Skyping this guy since March, and the EA ended in September and she's ignored all contact from him since, but kept it as evidence.

 

Then she told me that the judge wasn't based here in California, but over in Brisbane and that he'd offered to get her Australian citizenship via the back door and get her some new contacts in the legal business if she bought him gifts via his Amazon wishlist (which she's shown me). He also asked her if she knew any immigration lawyers who could get him US citizenship quickly so he could be a judge in both Brisbane and LA.

 

She's shown me every single email between them, and it was a mixture of mundane chat "How was your day" etc. and pictures of the judge in his briefs and pictures of the judge in his boxer shorts. She admitted to sending him pictures of her boobs, and a picture of her in lingerie taken by our poolside, well, a selfie, and wrote titillating emails to the guy.

 

She told the judge that she was married but that I was too stressed to do anything sexual so she'd RP sexual conversations with him. She's also shown me emails, about 10-20 of them begging for her to leave me.

 

This is out-of-character for my wife. Not the attorney social network thing (part of the job, I guess) but the cyberflirting with the judge and sending raunchy pics is new.

 

She's actually said to me:

I want to complain about this guy but don't know who to complain to, but if I do, I'll get into a ****hole, won't I?

 

I know for a fact that she's never actually met up with him, she's shown me an email from the guy which said:

 

I can't meet up with you for months now, too busy with a backlod of legal briefs and other such things.

 

<attachment, picture of judge in his briefs as a selfie>

.

 

She was very emotional, and screaming "How the hell could I be an idiot, risking my life for this?"

 

In truth, I haven't been able to have sex with her much because I've travelled for work, and been tired from constant flights, and it's causing me pain finding out about this.

 

My wife has also told me that she felt embarrassed over this, and hasn't contacted him since, she's also put a block on his email and cell phone trying to contact her.

 

Is this a strange situation that the OM is entirely in an EA with my wife and they're "nevermets".

 

I should get an attorney, but my wife's an attorney in other forms of litigation, mergers, business law, and it's probably a COI for her to have me involved, but who do I go to.

 

She has never done anything like this before, and has told me that this was just an EA because I was too tired for sex, and that she doesn't know if the judge is married or has other women apart from her on the side.

 

Because of the international nature of this case (me and my wife in the US, the judge in Australia), does this make the affair even more problematic?

 

 

How should we handle this?

 

I know for a fact that my wife has told me everything, she's shown me every single detail of it, and said:

I screwed up, but now I've got to work on getting the relationship back on track and be a mom instead. I got too caught up in social media.

 

Funnily enough, my wife doesn't have Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, only a bio on her law firm's page.

 

I really do love my wife and want the best for our relationship.

 

Should I give her another chance, or divorce, or what? Anyone been in a situation like mine? What did you do?

 

What should we do next?

 

Sorry... too many questions. Just stressed angry and upset by it all but need to get it down on paper, or in this case, online.

[BluesPower]

First off, get real...

 

There is a chance that she is telling you the whole truth. And that chance is about 001%. Now, she may be telling you the truth about this one, maybe, but what about the others? Have there been others? The problem is that you don't know. And, if you keep acting kind of weak, and accepting of her behavior, you may never know.

 

So you really need to stop and think about all of this and see if you have a full understanding of your wife and what she is capable of...

 

Oh, and before you get pissed and say that none of us know what we are talking about, spend some time reading on this and other sites and you will start to understand what I am saying.

 

Now, for you. Listen brother, you lack of sex drive and attention to your wife is in no way to blame or excuse her affair. That is not your fault.

 

But here is the deal. If you want to keep your wife, 1) you need a different job where you do not travel. 2) Dude you need to step up to that plate sexually with your wife, like yesterday.

 

You sir have a young wife that is in her sexual prime. She is successful, and she is around powerful, rich men all of the time. That is a complete recipe for disaster for your marriage.

 

If you are a low sex drive guy, FIX IT. If you travel too much and can't find the time to bang her brains out everyday, FIX IT.

 

If this is all that she has done, you sir are a lucky man. Odds say that this is not all that she has done and that she may be, or wants to be, screwing someone else.

 

FYI, in almost 100% of the cases of infidelity, the wayward spouse never tells the whole truth even when they confess.

 

You need to start learning about infidelity and get yourself together if you are going to have a chance of getting this sorted out...

[standtall]

Well dude...I agree with the other poster and would say she hasn't been totally honest with you. I wouldn't say she has been physical, but there is more...maybe another local person? Keep digging.

 

BTW, she is not having an EA because of your lack of sex with her...she is having an EA because of your lack of ATTENTION to her and your marriage. She is giving you a giant signal to fix your marriage now! Rededicate yourself to her and your marriage, or not, and stay in love with work and see what happens.

[Stormnsand1505g]

Well dude...I agree with the other poster and would say she hasn't been totally honest with you. I wouldn't say she has been physical, but there is more...maybe another local person? Keep digging.

 

BTW, she is not having an EA because of your lack of sex with her...she is having an EA because of your lack of ATTENTION to her and your marriage. She is giving you a giant signal to fix your marriage now! Rededicate yourself to her and your marriage, or not, and stay in love with work and see what happens.

 

I've been trying to earn money to pay for my daughter's future education and my wife's planned house repairs, she wants a major do-over of our house, and if I don't earn, she won't be happy.

 

I'm not a workaholic, but equally, I'm trying to do the boring stuff in the marriage too; bills, finances, parenting etc. (not that parenting is dull, but I saw it mentioned in a topic on OM/OWs), groceries.

 

I've had an important project for months now and am meant to deliver it within 3 weeks to the boss.

[WilyWill]

Not that it matters--an EA is an EA--but is this guy for real? I mean if she buys him Amazon presents will he also call the king of Nigeria to share his inheritance? And can someone who's only practiced Australian law really become a judge in a different country? Becoming a US judge isn't just a matter of checking mybestjudgejobs.com for the best hourly wage and packing your suitcase. Is your wife easily fooled?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Storm,sorry to see you face this situation. I would recommend that you pay attention to Bluespower. He is usually one hundred percent right in his assessment of situations involving infidelity. I would also suggest that you get a good PI to track your wife without giving her the slightest of reasons to think she is being tracked. You may get some surprising information that way. As an attorney she will be better able to circumnavigate situations where she could be caught out than ladies who are not legal eagles. Other folks will also chip in with advice which will be helpful to you. Just be on your guard and do not give a hint that you are keeping a watch on her.Warm wishes.

[Doorstopper]

Not that it matters--an EA is an EA--but is this guy for real? I mean if she buys him Amazon presents will he also call the king of Nigeria to share his inheritance? And can someone who's only practiced Australian law really become a judge in a different country? Becoming a US judge isn't just a matter of checking mybestjudgejobs.com for the best hourly wage and packing your suitcase. Is your wife easily fooled?

 

That's an interesting point. This guy may just be some wanna be law school dropout sitting in his underwear in his mom's basement.

 

To the OP: You don't generally satisfy a sexual appetite with an EA. Its time to start investigating if a "secret" phone, or local affair partner exists.

 

Is it possible and likely that two people who never met could have an EA? Yes, absolutely, Its not that uncommon.

[Stormnsand1505g]

That's an interesting point. This guy may just be some wanna be law school dropout sitting in his underwear in his mom's basement.

 

To the OP: You don't generally satisfy a sexual appetite with an EA. Its time to start investigating if a "secret" phone, or local affair partner exists.

 

Is it possible and likely that two people who never met could have an EA? Yes, absolutely, Its not that uncommon.

 

The judge is well-known in Australia, in Brisbane, AFAIK, and at 51, I don't think he'd be in his mom's basement. From the photos I saw, it looked like they were taken in some upscale hotel in Australia.

 

He's been in the news though. Can't identify him publically on here though.

[Stormnsand1505g]

Not that it matters--an EA is an EA--but is this guy for real? I mean if she buys him Amazon presents will he also call the king of Nigeria to share his inheritance? And can someone who's only practiced Australian law really become a judge in a different country? Becoming a US judge isn't just a matter of checking mybestjudgejobs.com for the best hourly wage and packing your suitcase. Is your wife easily fooled?

 

The judge is well-known in Brisbane's legal circles, and is a public figure, AFAIK, from my wife. I know some people in LA talk about the guy, he's quite well-known.

 

I've also seen this judge had posted pics of himself in his briefs on Instagram too.

 

There is no evidence of a local AP, though. Could my wife's recent interest in Australia and Australian expats in LA be a smoking gun?

Edited October 26, 2017 by Stormnsand1505g

[BluesPower]

There is no evidence of a local AP, though. Could my wife's recent interest in Australia and Australian expats in LA be a smoking gun?

 

Well, is there an interest? Are there expats that she knows? Hell yes it is a RED FLAG! That is infidelity talk for smoking gun. It is not a smoking gun, it is a worrisome sign that something might be going on and you need to be on alert.

 

Do you understand why mark told you to look at your phone bill?

 

Does she also have an company phone?

 

Listen, Look at what you wrote, which boils down to, "Oh golly gee!!! If I don't make all this money and get her what she wants she will be upset!"

 

Are you freaking kidding me. Could you act any more like an little beta boy, maybe she will let you watch...

 

Do you get that sarcasm? If not I will explain but frankly, my friend you sound completely clueless.

 

Could someone help me out here. What am I missing???

[aliveagain]

An affair, emotional or physical is still an affair. She has secrets with him that are hidden from you. There can be no secrets between spouses if they want their relationship to work. We always advise you to seek legal counsel. If she is a partner in the law firm her actions may have put her firm at risk. She may have to disclose her relationship with the judge with the other partners. Perhaps talk to someone in another jurisdiction. One thing is for sure, you now know that if the opportunity to cheat arose and your wife thought she could hide it from you she will act on it.

 

She needs to get herself into independent counselling to find out why she allowed herself the approval to cheat. The judge sounds kind of sketchy to me, he's asking for gifts, this behavior may need to be reported. You need to tell his wife about their affair if he is married. Save all his emails and pictures somewhere safe.

[GoldenR]

Think about this....

 

Why did she confess right now?

 

Something prompted this....someone busted her, or the judge is threatening to tell you if she doesn't "x".

 

And Skype.....just so you know, she had full on video sex with the judge, and she did and said everything you can think of.

 

You're barely scratching the surface at this point.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I've been trying to earn money to pay for my daughter's future education and my wife's planned house repairs, she wants a major do-over of our house, and if I don't earn, she won't be happy.

 

I'm not a workaholic, but equally, I'm trying to do the boring stuff in the marriage too; bills, finances, parenting etc. (not that parenting is dull, but I saw it mentioned in a topic on OM/OWs), groceries.

 

I've had an important project for months now and am meant to deliver it within 3 weeks to the boss.

 

She is just is not that into you. She is a lawyer, you are a worker bee. So to speak. She was with the professional white collar types and you are not part of. She outted herself is very odd. Something maybe coming down the pipeline. You need your own lawyer.