MM's ?'s for OW

[Good&BadGuy]

Advice please from OW

 

If you know my situation already you can go straight to the ?'s below.

 

I have been having an A for about 3 yrs. It has been great it has horrible. I Know all the simple answers it's bad it's wrong don't do it don't continue it have NC, what I've done to my W is terrible, I'm and a$$..... So I'm trying to do the right thing out of a very wrong situation.

 

Here is the problem I love and miss my friend (for some reason I don't like calling her my OW she's not mine and it seems disrecpectful no offense to anyone. I'll say special woman) I know HYPOCRIT I have done a very direspectful thing and I don't want to be direspectful to her or my W anymore.

 

We have been doing the cycle thing good then band then break ; great then very bad then break..... So we haven't talked for a couple weeks we have said hi and been nice when we see each other and we still like each other. She hasn't asked or expected me to leave my wife and I was honest with her I had no intentions of it. I have already said most of this before. I have been honest with her about my feelings and why we should end this and I do care for her and don't want to hurt her , anyone else or myself anymore.

 

???????????'s

 

#1 question: We are trying the no contact thing and she has asked me out for a drink later today to talk about some things that she wants to talk about. I want to see her but I don't want to start things up again ( I do but I know it will be the same). I don't want to be mean and if this helps her I will but what would you want your MM to do? (A MM that you like and think is ok not one that you hate)

 

#2 Without her ever saying it do you think she had hoped I would leave my W and be with her 100% she never ever mentioned that but am I stupid to think since she didn't say it she didn't want that

 

#3 How many OW beleive and trust their MM 100% or is there always an underlying feeling he is possibly full of crap.

 

#4 Is it ok to to check in and see how she is and what she's been up to and let her know I miss her and nice things (if it does not lead to renewing the affair)? Do OW want to even hear that or does it just cause more hard feelings.

 

I have many more but that is enough for now.

 

Thanks

[hotgurl]

I'm not an OW but I'll post.

 

#1. I would go let her say what she needs to say but don't leave the bar together or touch each other. But distant. Or else you'll end up on bed together. Say goodbye

 

#2. Yes. She hoped all the time. you said you loved you wife but your actions didn't and you know the old saying.

 

#3 I think they do, foolishly tough. It usually break their heats look at Marie

 

#4 No leave her alone. There is no way she can get on with her life or vise versa if you keep in contact.

 

as a side note I think you should tell your wife. She has a right to know and decide if she can live with what you did. If your wife had an affair would you want her to hide it or tell Esp for 3 years!.

 

and a question this has been debated around here a lot and I think it is one of the biggest lies mm tell but in the three years you had an affair did you have sex with your wife?

[izzybelle]

obviously, each situation is different, but i'll answer based on mine.

 

1. meet with her if you're sure you can keep things under control. i requested a similar thing of my MM shortly after we split. needless to say, things got out of control. probably more my doing than anything else, but if you do meet with her make sure it's a public place and as hotgurl said, don't leave together. i "needed" answers to questions and "needed" hear them from him in person, but please for both of your sakes, just keep it at that. nothing physical.

 

2. you probably have a better handle on that than we may be able to give. i do believe most OWs hope for that, but not all. mine had told me that his marriage was ending, supposedly it was going to end about 6 mos. after we were first together, but ended up much like marie's.

 

3. at the time, i believed him 100%, i had no reason not to. after all, he told me he was being honest with me. and now looking back, i shouldn't have believed him, but i did. i had no nagging doubt until his W found out and everything unraveled very quickly. and as it unraveled and i learned more about the situ, then i began to doubt EVERYTHING!

 

4. this would have meant a lot to me at the time. but looking back, it may have done more harm than good. it may have given me a sense of false hope. yes, it would have made me feel like i hadn't been as stupid as i was, that he really had cared and wasn't willing to just cut me out of his life. but if he was really going to work on his marriage, and that alone, all the "checking in"would have done would have been to encourage me to stay in touch. in time, you may be able to more easily do that. but it will take time to get there before contact may be viewed as a renewed interest.

 

don't know if that helps or not. it's complicated. and there are so many raw emotions, no doubt for both of you. i know you don't want to hurt her more than you perhaps already have, but i don't know that there's necessarily any easy way out of this.

 

izzy

[Owl]

Also not a OW, but I totally agree with EVERYTHING that Hotgurl said...to include telling your wife.

[whichwayisup]

#1 question: We are trying the no contact thing and she has asked me out for a drink later today to talk about some things that she wants to talk about. I want to see her but I don't want to start things up again ( I do but I know it will be the same). I don't want to be mean and if this helps her I will but what would you want your MM to do? (A MM that you like and think is ok not one that you hate)

 

If I were in your shoes I would not see her again. Talk to her by phone -Less chances of things heating up between you too. I mean I'm sure you know that one kiss would probably allow the A to start up again...

 

#2 Without her ever saying it do you think she had hoped I would leave my W and be with her 100% she never ever mentioned that but am I stupid to think since she didn't say it she didn't want that

 

Yes, she is hoping that you will leave your wife for her. Even though she said that, she wants a life with you.

 

#3 How many OW beleive and trust their MM 100% or is there always an underlying feeling he is possibly full of crap.

 

I guess it would depend on the situation. Some OW don't have a full trust and really why should they? The A is not honest and it's like feeding into a lie, a life of hiding and sneaking around...She knows the MM is lying to his wife, so really, how can one FULLY trust the other? Just my thoughts on this one... And even if he does tell her what she wants to hear, she may/may not have her mind made up and convinced herself of the answers anyway, so what he says/does really makes no difference at the end of the day.

#4 Is it ok to to check in and see how she is and what she's been up to and let her know I miss her and nice things (if it does not lead to renewing the affair)? Do OW want to even hear that or does it just cause more hard feelings.

 

This is like a regular break up. Have the closure, no need for it to go nasty...Be thankful she was in your life, tell her how much she meant to you but now it is time to say goodbye ...Close the door forever.

 

You cannot be friends with this woman, no matter how much you want to be. There will always be that connection - That energy between you two...Why pick at the scab if it feels good for 20 seconds and then you know it is going to bleed and hurt for hours. Why put yourselves through that over and over again?

 

Do not call/tell her you miss her once it has ended. IF and I say IF there is a time when you both can handle "just a friendship" you must NEVER cross the line, have any sort of conversations that have anything to do with the A, feelings in the past, how you feel now, -nothing. Change the way of handling/thinking of her completely...But somehow personally, I don't think either of you are capable of having that friendship...The feelings are just there and aren't going to go away.

 

Every time you see/talk to her, those feelings are going to be fed...Intentionally or not, it gives her hope ... And in your situation hope is not a good thing for OW (or special woman as you call her)

 

And, you owe it to your wife to come clean. She has a right to know, to decide if she wants to be with you, fix the marriage and learn how to trust you again.

 

Can you live with yourself if you don't?? I don't mean to sound mean, but really dig down deep and ask yourself this one.

[newbby]

#1 question: We are trying the no contact thing and she has asked me out for a drink later today to talk about some things that she wants to talk about. I want to see her but I don't want to start things up again ( I do but I know it will be the same). I don't want to be mean and if this helps her I will but what would you want your MM to do? (A MM that you like and think is ok not one that you hate)

 

#2 Without her ever saying it do you think she had hoped I would leave my W and be with her 100% she never ever mentioned that but am I stupid to think since she didn't say it she didn't want that

 

#3 How many OW beleive and trust their MM 100% or is there always an underlying feeling he is possibly full of crap.

 

#4 Is it ok to to check in and see how she is and what she's been up to and let her know I miss her and nice things (if it does not lead to renewing the affair)? Do OW want to even hear that or does it just cause more hard feelings.

 

 

1) If you meet her for a drink, do not be cold to her for fear of losing a control on your own feelings and urges. If you think you can meet her and be warm without giving her any hope then do so, and it will be more helpful. As others have said, she needs answers.

2)She probably had as many conflicting emotions and desires as you did yourself. It is impossible to answer this one straightforwardly, you did not give her the option of having you exclusively, therefore she would not have been able to fully make a decision on that one.

3)There would always be an element of confusion as your words and actions did not quite tally.

4)If you do whatever you do with true sincerity and from the heart, then it will be the best way.

[New_Wife]

1. Answer this question to answer your own:

 

If I throw gasoline on this fire, will it just smoulder for awhile and harmlessly sit there or will it burn everything in range?

 

2. & 3. Read Marie1973's threads.

 

4. Absolutely! And then throw more gasoline on your bonfire and grab the marshmellows as it sears your entire universe.

[newbby]

1. Answer this question to answer your own:

 

If I throw gasoline on this fire, will it just smoulder for awhile and harmlessly sit there or will it burn everything in range?

 

2. & 3. Read Marie1973's threads.

 

4. Absolutely! And then throw more gasoline on your bonfire and grab the marshmellows as it sears your entire universe.

 

i actually agree.

it is a different situation in alot of ways.

maries mm promised over and over to leave his wife for her. i dont know if it makes a difference but for marie she has the confusion of how much her mm told her being a lie, she has many unanswered questions there.

in this situation good and bad guy told his ow that he would not leave, however, he did mislead her anyway as the actions of falling in love with her and/or treating her as a romantic partner would have caused her a mixture of confusion, pain and hope.

for myself, my mm has just blatantly ignored me, and i feel good about it. the reasons are, that we were having a friendship and i felt i had no reason to do nc without exposing my feelings and laying myself open and vunerable.

i took his ignoring as a perfect opportunity to block him from im, it hurts, yes, but at least i am in no confusion as to what his feelings are. ouch, i dont feel that good about it!

i said that i wanted a friendship and i never showed him my emotions throughout that friendship, although i did talk about them briefly at the beginning of it.

i felt that he had got it all his way, being able to have the a, be happy with his marriage and still have me wanting to talk to him. i felt rejected throughout most of our friendship, and rather uncomfortable with him. i thought i was easing things off gradually, however, i was just putting off the inevitable.

i suspect that you are doing the same g&bg and if you allow it, she will possibly take this same route. if you are serious about ending it, end it nicely, honestly, and let that be that. i am sorry if my advice is often conflicting, it is because, i am not there myself yet.

i think that probably the best thing to do is to state both your feelings, and the facts honestly and then give her the time to get over it, including probably making yourself uncontactable.

[Justagirl2008]

Originally posted by Good&BadGuy

Advice please from OW

 

If you know my situation already you can go straight to the ?'s below.

 

I have been having an A for about 3 yrs. It has been great it has horrible. I Know all the simple answers it's bad it's wrong don't do it don't continue it have NC, what I've done to my W is terrible, I'm and a$$..... So I'm trying to do the right thing out of a very wrong situation.

 

Here is the problem I love and miss my friend (for some reason I don't like calling her my OW she's not mine and it seems disrecpectful no offense to anyone. I'll say special woman) I know HYPOCRIT I have done a very direspectful thing and I don't want to be direspectful to her or my W anymore.

 

We have been doing the cycle thing good then band then break ; great then very bad then break..... So we haven't talked for a couple weeks we have said hi and been nice when we see each other and we still like each other. She hasn't asked or expected me to leave my wife and I was honest with her I had no intentions of it. I have already said most of this before. I have been honest with her about my feelings and why we should end this and I do care for her and don't want to hurt her , anyone else or myself anymore.

 

???????????'s

 

#1 question: We are trying the no contact thing and she has asked me out for a drink later today to talk about some things that she wants to talk about. I want to see her but I don't want to start things up again ( I do but I know it will be the same). I don't want to be mean and if this helps her I will but what would you want your MM to do? (A MM that you like and think is ok not one that you hate)

 

#2 Without her ever saying it do you think she had hoped I would leave my W and be with her 100% she never ever mentioned that but am I stupid to think since she didn't say it she didn't want that

 

#3 How many OW beleive and trust their MM 100% or is there always an underlying feeling he is possibly full of crap.

 

#4 Is it ok to to check in and see how she is and what she's been up to and let her know I miss her and nice things (if it does not lead to renewing the affair)? Do OW want to even hear that or does it just cause more hard feelings.

 

I have many more but that is enough for now.

 

Thanks

 

1. Go for the drink, don't be mean but be blatently honest about what it is you're trying to do and do not touch her and do not allow her to touch you. You need to set some boundaries.

 

2. She may have and then again she may not have. She might be like me and be happy with just what is going on between you. Some women are happy to just have something on the side part time.

 

3. Not a lot of women trust an MM and the reasons are quite clear. His wife can't trust him because clearly he is having an A so why should we?

 

4. No. She needs her time to move on and so do you. Keeping in contact will further cause pain and keep encouraging her and yourself. You can't focus 100% on your marriage if you keep in contact cause you will always be reminded of what once was and it may rekindle some flames.

 

Hope that helps.

[lynnered]

Advice please from OW

 

 

1. i would meet her for the drink maybe she needs closure ,if so give it to her

i have want to end it with MM and i always prefer to do these things face to face,

even if we would agree to never speak .

 

2 you should ask her maybe she did for my 1st year almost with MM i hoped he would leave but never spoke of it to him

*3 i believe mine 95%but feel he has to much of a fear of change ,loss of money ,etc to do anything ,,all the one days & soon got old ,

and towards end i would actully say something to him as far as being undependable &actions speaking louder then words

then he would say i chose to stay with him,but he would always beg me for more timeWTF

.

*4i wouldnt want him checking in because everytime he has ,his motive or what seems to happen is we restart things & i feel angry at him for not understanding that if u want 2b with me ,lose the wife

for me im in love with him ,and ive told him if things dont work out i refuse 2b friends that makes him angry,but at the same times hes said

if he didnt have me he wouldnt leave he would just stay ,

well what are u doing now ?

anyway everytime i see him or talk to him im right back ,

but usually if we have NC at all no texts NOTHING,

i start to feel ok ,then he starts calling IMING whatever & the feelings all come back good & bad feelings,

i kind of resent him for this ,because he misses me,cause he misses the sound of my voice,my smile ,i was worried about u etc ,

that is so selfish he puts his need for me in his life above my pain & suffering

but youve gotton alot of good advice here ,

so do what u feel is best but if your intention is not to hurt her,then dont

and i think someone mentioned telling the W i disagree i would only tell the W if this was something i would continue to do,

if you stop and are sure u can not contact OW or anyOW in ur life again keep it to yourself,

i think this has hurt u alot ,youve already punished yourself

itll only hurt your W ,just (if u plan on staying wh her)

work on the things that lead u to OW,

find those things with W,

make it up to her w/o telling her

just what i would do & my opinions not meant to offend or as directions to live ur life

good luck

talk 2u later

[VivianLee]

It can never end nor can the both of you heal from the pain of the separation until you completely stop everything. It would really be better if you hated each other. Sounds weird but it's the truth!

 

Yes, she probably dreamed that you would just come and whisk her off her feet and tell her that you are hers only and that you are leaving your wife. The rejection she feels that you have chosen your wife and not her is death to an ego and confidence.

 

 

It's not your right to call and check on her, yeah it makes you sound nice but every contact you have just sets back her healing to square one. If you are truly dedicated to making things right for your wife and marriage, you have no right to have any contact with the OW ever in your life.

[Guest 2]

Why don't you do the honorable thing and tell your wife the truth. Give her a chance to remarry to a man who is worthy of her and can be a good step Dad to your kids. She deserves to sleep beside a man who is all there for her, not half with someone else. Do her a favor. You can then have a happy life with your OW and still see your kids on alternate weekends. Plus you'll have the fun of stretching your paycheck to support 2 households. Of course this last part will not be a problem once your wife is married to someone else.

[Good&BadGuy]

Thanks for the answers they help especially from the OW out there.

 

We didn't meet for drinks she admitted her motives were to have a last time and we agreed that we have already had enough of those. We are continuing the nc and that we don't have any hard feelings toward each other. She apologized in advanced if she calls me, she wants it to end as much as I do, but said I'm going to have to be the one to stop it and to be strong enough for us both to. I apologized for all the terrible stuff that I've put her through and now it's time to apologize to my W and make it up to her. (Am I going to confess to her? I don't know if I can yet.)

 

I'm done being a dirty dog.

[newbby]

hey, good for you!

[starreyes]

Originally posted by Good&BadGuy

(Am I going to confess to her? I don't know if I can yet.)

 

I'm done being a dirty dog.

 

G&BG: Please think about this very carefully..."confessing". Some things are better left unsaid. Just my little opinion. Please weigh the good and bad of telling her.

[newbby]

i agree.

what good would telling her do, for her?

sometimes i think people only confess because they want to be forgiven, sometimes confessing is a selfish act.

how about just being the best husband you can be from now on?

[Good&BadGuy]

I Know. I don't want to hurt her and don't want to do it just to relieve my own guilt. I know my bad feelings aren't going to go away just from ending the A I will have to live with that guilt. I shouldn't have done it I 've hurt two wonderful people and me. And risked hurting many more. Newbby, your and lynnereds posts and comments have really helped (also others) they are supportive and truthful. I really appreciate them!

[lynnered]

Good&BadGuy

u did something u shouldnt have ,

but hey u learned and ur taking steps to make things right all the way around,

i mean u say u want ur wife,

if u were a A**hole ,u would have just dropped off face of the earth OW wouldnt be able to find u, and she would have been left with questions & , wondering what happend but you are handling this like a man ,

dont beat your self up

i dont think u should tell W,

it will only make things worst

take care & keep posting

[newbby]

i agree. put it in the past. resolve never to do it again. everyone makes mistakes and you are handling yours in the best way you can, with the best of intentions, and the minimum of pain to everyone else involved.

[whichwayisup]

If you don't tell her and she somehow finds out the truth you're going to regret not telling her the truth. If you tell her it's like stirring up a bee's nest as right now life seems perfect to her and she has no clue what you're doing behind her back.

 

Which is the less of the two evils?? Only you can decide. What you can/can't live with.

 

All I know is my best bet is when (if) you tell her, she'll probably know already. Her gut instinct probably knows something isn't right between the two of you and hey, you're ending an affair that really I don't think you want to end, but you're ending it because of the marriage and your wife and children...But it really isn't something you want to end. Sorry, don't mean that to jump off the page and bite you - But because there are so many feelings there for this OW, HOW can you hide this stuff at home? Guilt feelings, low moods, missing your OW and feeling sad...Your wife must pick up on this energy?

 

Anyway, it won't be easy whichever route you decide to take.

 

Stick to NC with OW and if you have to with her, be the tough one! If she does call you - YOU have to be the one to be firm, even cold to her, to end it and make sure she doesn't call again. It would be so easy for the A to start up again...Especially since she admitted that get together that never happened was supposed to be a "goodbye, and one last time together..." She can't control her feelings around you. SO be the one to discourage her and make it harder to happen.

 

Good luck and keep posting.