Broken183 Posted October 26, 2017 Posted October 26, 2017 My boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me about three weeks ago. We were long distance for the summer as we normally are and then he moved at the end of July to be in the same city as my grad school. I started grad school in September so we weren't in the same place until then. Then he was away for a 1.5 in September. So we went several months with limited visits. Then he called me and told me he needed "to take a step back." I'm completely heart broken. I deleted him from all social media and have had no contact, except I passed him on a run a week ago. There's an irrational part of my mind that interprets his words as not a final break, even though I know it is. I just want to talk to him. I miss him. I know our issue could be worked on. It was fixable. He just isn't emotionally intelligent (which I keep reminding myself of why I shouldn't want him back). I'm going out with friends and I'm focusing on my school work, and I have a therapist I see. But I just feel I am not coping well at all. It should be getting easier, not harder right?
Beachead Posted October 26, 2017 Posted October 26, 2017 (edited) I am sorry about this. I know how much it hurts. It does get easier but before that, it will get a lot harder as you've begun to discover. The reason being is the reality of the breakup is slowly starting to creep in. When that happens, we start to doubt our decisions and wonder if we've made a mistake. We worry if they'll move on. Our mind plays tricks to try and bring us back. If/when you realize he may not come back or possibly finds someone else, your hope will shatter and that will take awhile to deal with. If you two were together for 3.5 years, then expect a minimum of a year of healing. If he needs to take a step back as he says, then give it to him. But let him do it without you because your emotional well-being is important too. He broke your heart. He doesn't get to figure himself out and string you along also. So you did the right thing by cutting contact. It's going to be very tough for you. But keep busy. Spend time with healthy company, give back to yourself, journal often, come on the forums and talk it out. Whatever it takes. Goodluck Edited October 26, 2017 by Beachead 2
HarmonyDriven Posted October 26, 2017 Posted October 26, 2017 He just isn't emotionally intelligent (which I keep reminding myself of why I shouldn't want him back). I'm going out with friends and I'm focusing on my school work, and I have a therapist I see. But I just feel I am not coping well at all. It should be getting easier, not harder right? It has only been three weeks since the break up. Give yourself some time. You are doing all the right things. It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel sad. Allow yourself to feel these feelings. It will get better......over time. Continue with no contact. It will get easier. He probably did you a favor, do you really want to be with someone who is not emotionally intelligent. You will be fine and down the road, you will be wiser and ready for the next relationship. Good luck 1
HumanMachine Posted October 26, 2017 Posted October 26, 2017 Didn’t you discuss what he meant at the time?
Author Broken183 Posted October 26, 2017 Author Posted October 26, 2017 I honestly stayed on the phone trying to ask questions but never got specific answers. He said things hasn't felt right in a little while and I tried to explain it was because we hadn't been able to see each other. And he just kept saying he needed to take a step back. I wish I had specifically asked what that meant but I was so shaken up and sad and angry that I just hung up the phone. So I take responsibility for that but I unfortunately can't change the past.
HumanMachine Posted October 26, 2017 Posted October 26, 2017 I honestly stayed on the phone trying to ask questions but never got specific answers. He said things hasn't felt right in a little while and I tried to explain it was because we hadn't been able to see each other. And he just kept saying he needed to take a step back. I wish I had specifically asked what that meant but I was so shaken up and sad and angry that I just hung up the phone. So I take responsibility for that but I unfortunately can't change the past. And he hasn’t contacted you since? I think his actions speak louder than words here. It gets worse before it gets better.. just hang in there, be strong and don’t crack.
Author Broken183 Posted October 26, 2017 Author Posted October 26, 2017 (edited) Yes I believe that as well and that's why I've rationally interpreted it as a break up and nothing else. Although before I hung up he said "I don't want you to hate me." And I said that I'm going to feel how I am going to feel. I know him well enough to know that he also wouldn't try to contact me if he thought I did hate him, but of course I have no way of knowing. So rationally I just tell myself it's over and done. I removed all of his stuff from my apartment and ended all social media connections. So the rational part of my brain knows it's done. It's just the hope that's a killer. Edited October 26, 2017 by Broken183
Author Broken183 Posted October 26, 2017 Author Posted October 26, 2017 The other issue I have is that I am currently at graduate school and when I go home for the holidays I have several things he bought me, a gift from his mom, and some pieces of artwork he made me sitting at home. I was wondering if it's acceptable to return them? I wouldn't initiate contact, I would just drop it off at his apartment and leave. I know myself well enough to know that in order to close this chapter I can't hold onto things. But I don't know whether I should just sell the stuff and throw the artwork away (which I honestly would feel bad about because it's art even if it's just sketches). I feel like I have enough psychological reminders that I don't need the physical reminders.
HumanMachine Posted October 26, 2017 Posted October 26, 2017 The other issue I have is that I am currently at graduate school and when I go home for the holidays I have several things he bought me, a gift from his mom, and some pieces of artwork he made me sitting at home. I was wondering if it's acceptable to return them? I wouldn't initiate contact, I would just drop it off at his apartment and leave. I know myself well enough to know that in order to close this chapter I can't hold onto things. But I don't know whether I should just sell the stuff and throw the artwork away (which I honestly would feel bad about because it's art even if it's just sketches). I feel like I have enough psychological reminders that I don't need the physical reminders. He hasn’t asked for them back. What relevance does you going home and the things being in your home have anyway?
Author Broken183 Posted October 26, 2017 Author Posted October 26, 2017 He hasn’t asked for them back. What relevance does you going home and the things being in your home have anyway? As I said, they're physical reminders. I am going to be going home for holidays and for four weeks during my grad school winter break.
Hotcheetosandtakis Posted October 26, 2017 Posted October 26, 2017 Just want to say that I’m going through the pain with you and you’re not alone. I got dumped almost 3 weeks ago too. I did all of the things you did as well. Deleted him off social media etc etc. Yet this morning I still woke up crying because I miss him sooo much. I wish so bad he would come back but I know he won’t. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. Feel free to message me. It’s nice to have someone to talk to who’s going though the same things. Oh and btw just wanted to add that I think you should stash away all those physical reminders. Somewhere where you won’t see them. Worry about them later when you’re in a better place.
HumanMachine Posted October 26, 2017 Posted October 26, 2017 As I said, they're physical reminders. I am going to be going home for holidays and for four weeks during my grad school winter break. Ask your parents to discard them or hide them before you return. Do not return them.
Author Broken183 Posted October 27, 2017 Author Posted October 27, 2017 Just want to say that I’m going through the pain with you and you’re not alone. I got dumped almost 3 weeks ago too. I did all of the things you did as well. Deleted him off social media etc etc. Yet this morning I still woke up crying because I miss him sooo much. I wish so bad he would come back but I know he won’t. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. Feel free to message me. It’s nice to have someone to talk to who’s going though the same things. Oh and btw just wanted to add that I think you should stash away all those physical reminders. Somewhere where you won’t see them. Worry about them later when you’re in a better place. It would definitely be nice to talk someone. Not sure how you message on here though.
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