mhops100 Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 My long-distance ex broke up with me out of the blue (it was not an ongoing conversation, in the least) but expected us to be in contact. A few weeks in of begging messages and attempts to share his day like we used to, he's finally seemed to realize that we won't continue to speak like before, if at all, and has gone quiet. I'm not looking for advice here, as I'm sticking to no contact, but has anyone encountered this kind of behavior? I'm still kind of floored that he expected the emotional connection to continue unchanged, and immediately.
SpecialJ Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 Yes. My ex did this to me. Except it was worse because I was very clear that I wanted to work through whatever was bothering him and, since he didn't want to put in any effort, was then clear I wanted space. He didn't give me any space for months, until I blocked him because I needed to heal. I couldn't understand why he thought we could be insta-friends and chalked it up to immaturity / him having a long head start on checking out of the relationship. I wanted to take it as he was on the fence about letting me go, because who wants to keep hanging out all the time after dumping you, but since we're on 8 months of NC that probably wasn't the case. It can be a sign of narcissistic behavior as well.
Highndry Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 Seems common. It's essentially selfishness on the part of the dumper. I told my ex gf when we first started dating that I never remain friends with exes. I just don't. They're romantic partners and when that's over, it's over. Still, she tried to maintain contact after we broke up but I nipped that in the bud immediately. You either get all of me, or none of me. You're right for shutting him down.
Author mhops100 Posted October 25, 2017 Author Posted October 25, 2017 Definitely seems like fear/immaturity rather than selfishness, though there's been a healthy amount of that thrown in to the end and ending of the relationship. His chasing hasn't even been platonic - a lot of "I love you" and "I don't want to lose you from my life" - which is all the more frustrating and confusing when I'm trying desperately not to react.
stillafool Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 Yes I've had exes expect to continue to be friends. Just block him from contacting you.
SpecialJ Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 I got the same, I want you in my life stuff. Again, the problem for me was he had no respect for my boundaries. He later (right before I blocked him) said he thought he was being very clear about what he wanted and didn't know he was doing anything hurtful (I'd told him repeatedly before that, so he was just ignoring my feelings to get what he wanted -- keeping me around), but he'd never do that with anyone else in the future. I felt it was very much about him and alleviating his guilt, even though I don't believe he was intentionally trying to hurt me on top of that by not having aligned words and actions. If you've told him how you feel and that you need time and space, then you've communicated and can stay in no contact until you feel you've moved on. Then decide if you want to attempt a real friendship or not. What he wants isn't your priority right now, you are. 1
stillafool Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 I don't know who broke up with who but the dumper is always the one to try to maintain contact just in case they want another roll in the hay during dry periods.
Author mhops100 Posted October 26, 2017 Author Posted October 26, 2017 Ya, I'd be more willing to believe that he was stringing me along if he actually accepted no contact, but he started panicking about not speaking to me again as soon as the break up call was over. That's the confusing part - who assumes that they will break up and continue the emotional intimacy of a relationship?
Been Posted October 26, 2017 Posted October 26, 2017 Got the samething except it was a bad break up. The NEXT day she starts texting me how much she cares and such. Wants to HELP me in anyway. I think she was just trying to keep the door open.
Author mhops100 Posted October 26, 2017 Author Posted October 26, 2017 YES! I got the help line too. And "please don't be sad". I just brushed it off and said I could only get through this on my own. Must be some deep guilt...
VisionL09 Posted October 26, 2017 Posted October 26, 2017 I'm going through pretty much the same situation as you right now and i'm just going to do what everyone is telling me to do .. NC
stillafool Posted October 26, 2017 Posted October 26, 2017 Ya, I'd be more willing to believe that he was stringing me along if he actually accepted no contact, but he started panicking about not speaking to me again as soon as the break up call was over. That's the confusing part - who assumes that they will break up and continue the emotional intimacy of a relationship? It isn't up to him to accept no calling. If he broke up with you then it is up to you to make sure he doesn't call you and you do that by blocking him.
marky00 Posted October 26, 2017 Posted October 26, 2017 If a dumper does manage to get around your blocks or w/e and your forced into a corner, just tell them to kick rocks
Alamo657 Posted October 26, 2017 Posted October 26, 2017 Even after they dumped you, they are still addicted to the affection they get from you. And just like any affection it's hard to just drop it on the spot. You need a detox period. That's the whole point of this " i want you in my life crap". they need you until they have secured their affection fix from another source, after that you become useless. And they don't even want you in their real life, they want you as a phone pen pal to reassure them about their self worth. Nothing like a groupy pining for them to make them feel better about themselves. If he can't stop contacting you then blocking him is the only way. 1
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