Text communication standards?

[basil67]

So you ask how the 70's and 80's daters survived?... many didn't. I don't think it's a coincidence those were they heydays of serial killers. The dating scene must have driven guys insane back then.

 

I was an 80's dater and I've got no idea what you're talking about. All the guys in my friend group had girlfriends. And no, they weren't the jocks. Far from it - we were all the nerd group. Sure, if you broke up, it may take a year or so to meet a new person but that was normal. I can't think of anyone who I went to school with who didn't marry.

 

I suggest you stick to writing about the era you've actually lived through.

[Cobra_X]

Hey, you are talking to a sweet tall girl with some shyness who didn't "put out." If bad dating makes a serial killer I would be in the chair right now lol

I think some of the things that made it "harder" also made it easier. We didn't have all this CONSTANT access to everyone, so we didn't have these wild, lopsided expectations.

I'm convinced 95% of dating is attitude and self-acceptance. My first round of dating, I was blond, a size 4/6, young, active, and all cute and giggly and smart to boot. I felt inadequate, I obsessed over my flaws, and I tried to fit my target's mold.

My second round? Over 40, a size 14, the need for an underwire, teenage kids, and a good bit of the giddiness replaced with good-natured sarcasm and a low tolerance for poopoo.

Dating was so frikking easy I wondered if half the men around me were blind because I do NOT fit the hot woman stereotype. But I'm happy and I like myself.

 

I have no doubt that sexual rejection combined with emotional fragility is what created many serial killers in the 60's, 70's, and 80's. Today those folks become spree shooters.

 

The dating marketplace is a competition. Being a sweet, tall, blond woman in 1980 didn't put you ahead of the pack.

 

Let's be honest. I look at the women in their 40's and it's not pretty. If i'm in the dating market at that age then I'm going overseas. I mean a size 14 with a nice face is easily top 10% of women. Plus your probably not chasing the Abercrombie Models anymore... so it's easier because your standards of appearance are lower.

[Cobra_X]

I was an 80's dater and I've got no idea what you're talking about. All the guys in my friend group had girlfriends. And no, they weren't the jocks. Far from it - we were all the nerd group. Sure, if you broke up, it may take a year or so to meet a new person but that was normal. I can't think of anyone who I went to school with who didn't marry.

I suggest you stick to writing about the era you've actually lived through.

 

How could things change that much in just 10-20 years? The cutoff line is really Pre and Post Internet.

 

I will admit I wasn't dating in that time period, but I have a hard time believing it was that much different.

 

The nerdy guys I knew growing up never got girlfriends. Some of them still don't.

[alphamale]

The nerdy guys I knew growing up never got girlfriends. Some of them still don't.

 

that's a shame

[introverted1]

I want to emphasize I don't try to make idle chit chat all day. But on the rare occasion I text them I am used to an immediate response. Yes, even when they are working. I actually can only think of a couple times I waited an hour or two for a response and I think the reason was because they were trying to get back at me for not answering them for an hour or two so yes it irritated me. Maybe if I talked to more than a few people I wouldn;t notice these nuances

 

Cookies, this is kind of nuts.

 

In my job I am actually working when I am at work. Yes, my phone is nearby, but I can't be looking at texts during meetings or when I'm making a presentation or have someone in my office. Any guy who next-ed me b/c I didn't reply immediately under the assumption that my lack of response meant waning or non-interest would be mistaken. And foolish.

 

You are making impossible demands of the men you meet/date and, worse yet, you are not even holding yourself to these same standards.

 

What do you hope to gain with this process? Who/what do you think you're avoiding, other than guys who have careers that require them to actually focus on what they are getting paid to do?

[basil67]

I have no doubt that sexual rejection combined with emotional fragility is what created many serial killers in the 60's, 70's, and 80's. Today those folks become spree shooters.

 

I don't know the psychology behind spree shooters, but people who don't get dates don't turn into homicidal maniacs in other western countries. It's a US thing. If straight up rejection and emotional frailty was the cause, we'd be seeing it everywhere.

[KBob]

. Same with if they do regularly do not respond within a couple mins I also doubt their interest [/b]Thanks

 

I seem to remember a post I made where I said I usually converse with around ten texts per day with girls I'm dating and you were quite shocked by this and said it was too much, but now you're saying you expect guys to have their phone in hand waiting for you to text them?

 

I'm confused...

[Miss Spider]

lol kbob i don't expect 10 texts a day!!! I do remember that thread.

 

Here I was inquiring about the amount of space between communication, no the frequency. Yes if I don't drop the conversation, it will go on and on, and I don't like that. I don't really want to talk all that much to my romantic interests. It's true.

 

I am not demanding these men text me within minutes either I'm just saying it's a pattern I've observed so I find it a bit off putting but people here helped me see the double standard.

 

I think I'd still find it odd at the beginning of dating if a guy is taking awhile to answer texts like I hear on these boards a lot. It sounds like low interest. Unless there are some phone calls or he specified he hates texting. Or they're trying to have longgggggg conversations and he just wants it to end

 

Thx

[Cobra_X]

I don't know the psychology behind spree shooters, but people who don't get dates don't turn into homicidal maniacs in other western countries. It's a US thing. If straight up rejection and emotional frailty was the cause, we'd be seeing it everywhere.

 

Hard to be a spree shooter if you can't get a gun. However, when they do... the results are spectacular. Like that 2011 Norway shooting... by a guy who tried everything to get a date but couldn't.

[Mrin]

That helps a lot!!! I don't like banter all day long either. I don't respond to texts for at least a day from men often because I'm afraid of being pulled into it. I always try to wrap up a conversation. I think men might be taking cues from my lack of communication? I had a guy tell me he will "get used to my texting habits" (or lackthereof I guess)

 

Do you feel like you do that? Like adapt to the other party's communication behavior?

 

Cookies - I know you wanted the thread closed but I thought I'd answer your question.

 

Hmmmmm - at first I'd say no but when I think about it, that's not true. I do adapt my communication to the other party in certain circumstances. Say, if she doesn't like to text or text that much, I'll adjust. It is sort of a lowest common denominator thing when it comes to communication. In other words, the level and form of communication seems to come to rest at the level of the less active party. I'm usually that party but not always.

 

To chime here on the change issue - it all depends. Early on there will always be change and usually a peak early on that trails off as people get to know each other. So, say the first 1-2 months are a "who knows" sort of thing where change is to be expected. But once a pattern or standard is set when people get more comfortable dating, then any significant change or deviation is usually notable. A drop off is a red flag. An increase usually means excitement or anxiety.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Mrin

[basil67]

Hard to be a spree shooter if you can't get a gun. However, when they do... the results are spectacular. Like that 2011 Norway shooting... by a guy who tried everything to get a date but couldn't.

 

I keep getting told that gun laws won't prevent people from getting their hands on guns. If guys want to do a spree shooting, all they have to do is get a black market gun. Or build a bomb. Or perhaps you're one of the people who believe that gun laws can make a real difference? In that case, perhaps the US should follow our laws.

 

Anyway, out of all the men from other western nations who've been rejected, you've come up with ONE example to support your argument. So on that basis, I'd say rejected men don't turn into mass killers.

 

I think if you were to look at the psychology of people who commit these crimes, you'll be more likely to find links with them hurting animals when they were kids. Of course women aren't going to date cruel or maladjusted men! But them not getting female attention is due to their existing antisocial behaviour and not the cause of the behaviour.

 

Lastly, your assertions about mass killings are incredibly disrespectful to the millions of men who can't get a date but wouldn't hurt a fly.

[William]

How a text communication standard thread morphed into mass shootings, oh my

 

Let's get back to the topic, OK? OK.

[Valerie Castro]

At the beginning of dating guys usually text daily, if not more. Just a touch based type thing.. If they skip a day without initiating text I assume they are not interested and often block/delete them. I can do this because usually I am seeing many different guys. Same with if they do regularly do not respond within a couple mins I also doubt their interest when I text them ( I realize am very hypocritical about this. Several men have told me after I told them my texting is bad they initially thought I was in a relationship while seeing them) except I usually give them time to respond before blocking. But if it happens more than a couple times resentment grows within me and I decide it's better to not see them.

 

The way I've always seen it is that when guys are interested in the beginning, they text daily and respond within a minute. It's always been this way. So any deviation annoys me a lot. But recent threads have alerted me to games guys plays. Moreover, there are people in the beginning of dating who wait hours for a response regularly (???!!!) or go days without communicating and this is perfectly fine. I had reconnect with guys I've blocked(through incessant deleting/remaking OLD profiles) who seemed really confused why we got out of touch and actually ended up in a very brief relationship with one so I'm aware I might jump the gun/too high maintenance. I'm just curious what is normal. Is there a normal? Thanks

 

Yea, people do play games. Women and men both. I hate texting. I prefer a good old fashioned face to face conversation, then FaceTime second, and a phone call third. I told this guy I was seeing that I was not going to respond to his texts anymore because I was sick of things getting misconstrued and how you cant read tone. You've gotta be honest and lay some boundaries. He stopped texting me everyday for stupid things or small talk and he started coming to see me in person more often, because I was just not responding so he didnt have a choice. But I told him I was not responding because I didnt like texting, so it was clear to him that I did want to talk to him, and I wasn't ignoring him to play games, I just didnt want to text.

 

And yea I can be like that too. Firstly I don't even save numbers until Ive known them a while so thats not an issue, and if I sense a guy is not responding because he is playing games I just delete the conversation and move on. I only block a guy if he is on and off like if he ghosts on me for two weeks then starts talking to me again like nothing happened. That gets annoying and that is when I am done.