Text communication standards?

[GunslingerRoland]

I think in your case, and this applies not just to texting but other aspects of your dating life, you need to learn to rely more on your instincts and less on rules.

 

I also want to say, that I've heard of studies that show that one of the biggest things that make someone attractive to us, is how attractive they find us. It sounds like you are very aloof with these guys, not really caring one way or the other, while at the same time you are expecting them to be waiting by the phone for your every text. I'm not saying you should be falling head over heels with every guy you meet, but if you don't care you can't expect them too.

[Miss Spider]

I think in your case, and this applies not just to texting but other aspects of your dating life, you need to learn to rely more on your instincts and less on rules.

 

I also want to say, that I've heard of studies that show that one of the biggest things that make someone attractive to us, is how attractive they find us. It sounds like you are very aloof with these guys, not really caring one way or the other, while at the same time you are expecting them to be waiting by the phone for your every text. I'm not saying you should be falling head over heels with every guy you meet, but if you don't care you can't expect them too.

 

My instincts are very strongly to not talk to them at all

[RecentChange]

My solid advice would be to be HONEST, to be courteous, and clear.

 

"Hey, sorry I didn't respond earlier I slept in"

 

You already stated how you would be offended if someone took hours to text back - but yet you expect others to accept the exact same behavior from you.

 

That is rude.

 

Ever hear of the Golden Rule? It's an excellent one to live by, even in dating.

 

Don't lie to men. Be honest, be genuine, communicate clearly ("I love hearing from you every day").

 

When you play games and take time to respond - you are sending the opposite message.

[Miss Spider]

My solid advice would be to be HONEST, to be courteous, and clear.

 

"Hey, sorry I didn't respond earlier I slept in"

 

You already stated how you would be offended if someone took hours to text back - but yet you expect others to accept the exact same behavior from you.

 

That is rude.

 

Ever hear of the Golden Rule? It's an excellent one to live by, even in dating.

 

Don't lie to men. Be honest, be genuine, communicate clearly ("I love hearing from you every day").

 

When you play games and take time to respond - you are sending the opposite message.

 

Now I am more confused!!! I often do apologize for long reply time...VERY often because sometimes i don't reply over 24 hr - I just omitted that part, but that's kind of part of the question. At what point do you need to apologize for not replying??? A few minutes? An hour? 3??? What's normal and what needs to be excused? You say you cannot respond during horse back riding etc. Do you say sorry I was at the barn/riding. and I understand there will times when people can't respond but you tend to get an idea of someone's schedule when talking to them for a couple dates and in between. The guys i date are 30ish give or take. They all work and have hobbies but evidently they have their phone available to text back quickly most of the time because it happens. I'm not playing games. I actually need rules to talk to these people without seeming disinterested because naturally the desire to text them does not come whatsoever.. I wish I could be one of those people who loves to text back and forth all day, but I've tried it and it's not me

Edited October 25, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

And gunslinger when I do get back I am always very keen to make up for it. I say" oh im sorry it's been crazy. Had lots to do then my rabbit chewed my icable wire so I couldn't charge my phone. Missed talking to you. What's been up :) :)"

Edited October 25, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[knabe]

I think in your case, and this applies not just to texting but other aspects of your dating life, you need to learn to rely more on your instincts and less on rules.

 

I also want to say, that I've heard of studies that show that one of the biggest things that make someone attractive to us, is how attractive they find us. It sounds like you are very aloof with these guys, not really caring one way or the other, while at the same time you are expecting them to be waiting by the phone for your every text. I'm not saying you should be falling head over heels with every guy you meet, but if you don't care you can't expect them too.

 

This made me chuckle because this is exactly how I acted when trying to follow all those conflicting "rules." I was too old for that crap, so I just started being me and not taking life so seriously. It would work or it wouldn't, and other than taking care of myself and being a good person, I really had little control over which way it went.

 

Then......while I was being me, my fiance fell in love with me and me with him lol

[Miss Spider]

I want to emphasize I'm not intentionally trying to "play games"(if I was, I'd do it in a more controlled manner. What I'm doing is not "the rules" at all) or be a rude person.

 

I just don't want to 1. Be a nuisance/bother people when they're busy (look at all the guys here who said they don't like too much chit chat) 2. Text that much... not fond of it either.

 

 

On the last date I had, the guy said he was suspicious I might have had a bf at first because I only text him at a certain time of the day. I didn't realize I was doing that. Then it hit me I was texting him because he told me that is a free time in his day, so for his convenience. Then he laughed and said no bf would be cool with my texting habits

[basil67]

When it comes to variances in texting regularity, I remember a job I had where some days we were up to date all day with time to spare. And other days where we were so busy that I didn't have time to pee all day.

 

It sounds like you would write off a guy for having a day at work where he was too busy to pee.

[knabe]

I want to emphasize I'm not intentionally trying to "play games"(if I was, I'd do it in a more controlled manner. What I'm doing is not "the rules" at all) or be a rude person.

 

I just don't want to 1. Be a nuisance/bother people when they're busy (look at all the guys here who said they don't like too much chit chat) 2. Text that much... not fond of it either.

 

 

On the last date I had, the guy said he was suspicious I might have had a bf at first because I only text him at a certain time of the day. I didn't realize I was doing that. Then it hit me I was texting him because he told me that is a free time in his day, so for his convenience. Then he laughed and said no bf would be cool with my texting habits

 

I went back to dating after being married 2 decades. And lets just say I wasn't the greatest dater the first time around. I was so busy trying to do what every "expert" said "worked," I got either analysis paralysis or vomiting emotion lol. It was too hard. I just did what seemed like me, and if it worked, great. If it didn't, ouch, ice cream, and try again.

[RecentChange]

I don't respond to texts for at least a day from men often because I'm afraid of being pulled into it.

 

Yes he'll say "morning! How are you?" then I'll wait a few hours (excusable because I might not be awake) because I don't feel like being dragged into a long convo

 

Mid afternoon . Ill say "hey! How's your day?"

 

They will immediately respond" good i just did blah blah blah. What are you up to?"

 

That's usually where I cut the convo short because I didn't do **** lol

 

How is that not playing games?

 

Again, treat people like you would want to be treated. Show respect and get respect. Be courteous, and get courtesy.

 

Its really NOT all that hard and complicated unless you decide to make it that way.

 

I have said it before, your actions confuse he hell of out these guys, and even confuse yourself.

[Cobra_X]

I don't really consider it dating until after we met.. this is all communication I'm talking after we meet first 1-3 dates cobra. Thanks x

 

Hmm...

 

Well... it means the guy isn't making time for you. The reasons for that can vary, but the result does not.

1. He could be playing games, but very interested

2. He could be very interested but busy and not willing to make time for you.

3. He could have low interest.

4. He could have low interest and be chasing other women.

 

These are the most common scenarios I can see. Sometimes a guy will have low interest in you for a while, but it builds over time. I work like that. I think it's because I have so much experience.

 

Can you think of any other scenarios that would lead to slow contact?

 

I really hope to have discussions like this with my daughter some day. Please let me know what is helpful!

[RecentChange]

Now I am more confused!!! I often do apologize for long reply time...VERY often because sometimes i don't reply over 24 hr - I just omitted that part, but that's kind of part of the question. At what point do you need to apologize for not replying??? A few minutes? An hour? 3??? What's normal and what needs to be excused? You say you cannot respond during horse back riding etc. Do you say sorry I was at the barn/riding.

 

Yes, I apologize and respond HONESTLY.

 

"sorry I didn't hear the notification for some reason, whats up?"

 

"Hey, sorry for the delay, I was out riding, what are you up to?"

 

"Ugh! just came up for air, work has been CRAZY - sorry for the tardy reply"

 

So - what is your reason for waiting so long to respond? Why does it take 24 hours sometimes?

 

Do you give LIES as to why you didn't respond earlier?

 

Again - I feel if you are being truthful, and have some sort of idea of what you want, this all isn't so complicated.

 

But - I can't think of a valid reason for waiting 24 hours...

 

"hey sorry, I usually make men wait a day before I text back, whats up?"

 

"hey sorry, you didn't respond to my last text within 5 mins, so I made you wait, and I am talking to a lot of other dudes, whats up?"

 

Those kind of things don't come over so well. So if not game playing, and if you think most people should have their phone on them, and be ready to respond in an instant... what is your excuse?

[GemmaUK]

they text daily and respond within a minute. It's always been this way. So any deviation annoys me a lot.

I'm stunned! That is just crazy!

This thinking is not at all normal.

 

Moreover, there are people in the beginning of dating who wait hours for a response regularly (???!!!)

It's not 'waiting' it's just getting on with your life and checking your phone when you have time and are free to.

 

I work in an office and my mobile is my personal phone so it stays in my bag unless I need it. I'm there to work, not to read and reply to personal texts or calls unless there is a specific personal emergency going on.

I don't have time to text all day long with anyone.

I would hope someone I had just begun dating might have a little bit of consideration for my time being equally as valuable as theirs.

 

Do you tell guys you meet that you expect a text reply a minute later?

That would be some feat to keep up with past more than a very few dates!! Must be exhausting!

 

Edited to add: What?? You leave 24 hrs between your replies and expect their reply to be a minute??!!

 

OK, I'm out, I have no words......

Edited October 25, 2017 by GemmaUK

[knabe]

I'm stunned! That is just crazy!

This thinking is not at all normal.

 

 

It's not 'waiting' it's just getting on with your life and checking your phone when you have time and are free to.

 

I work in an office and my mobile is my personal phone so it stays in my bag unless I need it. I'm there to work, not to read and reply to personal texts or calls unless there is a specific personal emergency going on.

I don't have time to text all day long with anyone.

I would hope someone I had just begun dating might have a little bit of consideration for my time being equally as valuable as theirs.

 

Do you tell guys you meet that you expect a text reply a minute later?

That would be some feat to keep up with past more than a very few dates!! Must be exhausting!

 

Gemma, you and I must be in the same basic age range. I mean, I sometimes take hours to get back to my FIANCE's text if work is crazy. Most people with a full life can't respond within minutes. That almost seems.....weird to me.

 

And if someone is purposely waiting to text or respond, they can't then get upset that others don't respond to THEM.

 

Once us old farts die out, the human race might cease to exist with all this crazy rulebook, game-playing, "dance" PUA stuff. However did us 1970's and 1980s daters survive???

 

I'm going to go refill my geritol now....

[Miss Spider]

Yes, I apologize and respond HONESTLY.

 

"sorry I didn't hear the notification for some reason, whats up?"

 

"Hey, sorry for the delay, I was out riding, what are you up to?"

 

"Ugh! just came up for air, work has been CRAZY - sorry for the tardy reply"

 

So - what is your reason for waiting so long to respond? Why does it take 24 hours sometimes?

 

Do you give LIES as to why you didn't respond earlier?

 

Again - I feel if you are being truthful, and have some sort of idea of what you want, this all isn't so complicated.

 

But - I can't think of a valid reason for waiting 24 hours...

 

"hey sorry, I usually make men wait a day before I text back, whats up?"

 

"hey sorry, you didn't respond to my last text within 5 mins, so I made you wait, and I am talking to a lot of other dudes, whats up?"

 

Those kind of things don't come over so well. So if not game playing, and if you think most people should have their phone on them, and be ready to respond in an instant... what is your excuse?

You are correct in that I do not have an excuse. I like the term knabe used...'analysis paralysis' (stealing that). I just like inaction because it's more comfortable. Talking a lot leads to progression of other stuff etc. I don't have an excuse but I simply don't feel like text to them and I dislike how it's mandatory. Idle chit chat is NOT interesting. And there's only so many times you can say you didnt get the alert...or your rabbit chewed through your charger cable...

 

Gemma, I dont tell them that. I want to emphasize I don't try to make idle chit chat all day. But on the rare occasion I text them I am used to an immediate response. Yes, even when they are working. I actually can only think of a couple times I waited an hour or two for a response and I think the reason was because they were trying to get back at me for not answering them for an hour or two so yes it irritated me. Maybe if I talked to more than a few people I wouldn;t notice these nuances

[Cobra_X]

Edited to add: What?? You leave 24 hrs between your replies and expect their reply to be a minute??!!

OK, I'm out, I have no words......

 

It might be hypocritical, but that's Ok if it is a strategy that works. If it's a psychological issue... then that's another story.

 

Gemma, you and I must be in the same basic age range. I mean, I sometimes take hours to get back to my FIANCE's text if work is crazy. Most people with a full life can't respond within minutes. That almost seems.....weird to me.

Once us old farts die out, the human race might cease to exist with all this crazy rulebook, game-playing, "dance" PUA stuff. However did us 1970's and 1980s daters survive???

I'm going to go refill my geritol now....

 

I started dating in the early 2000's. Pre-Cell phone and Pre-Facebook era. Dating sucked back then. I remember it being hard as hell. A tiny handful of guys had natural charisma and women flocked to them... the rest just sat lonely and watched. I would say 2/3rds of my friends could not get a date to save their lives.

 

So you ask how the 70's and 80's daters survived?... many didn't. I don't think it's a coincidence those were they heydays of serial killers. The dating scene must have driven guys insane back then.

[MajesticUnicorn]

Idk, I think everyone has different preferences and expectations for communication.

 

I'm a girl, and recent college grad so I suppose stereotypically I should be obsessed with my phone and texting. But I just don't enjoy it, and I am really bad at it for a variety of reasons.

 

For one thing, I work a full time job. I don't want to be that person who is on their phone constantly...though I do have iMessage for my computer, I still like to actually get some work done so maintaining a conversation throughout the day is just not an option or a priority for me.

 

Also, I feel like when you text TOO much or TOO frequently, it takes away from future conversations you could have in person and getting to know each other. I honestly hate it when guys start asking me tons of questions via text.

 

For me, a lot of communication I have, and actually prefer with guys is over Snapchat. It's less pressure, less formal, and I can send random funny images throughout the day and have casual conversations rather than incessant texting back and forth.

 

Now, when I am in a relationship and we have been dating a while, then I suppose my rule for texting kind of changes. I don't mind texting here and there throughout the day to check in, share exciting news, etc. But I also like my space and time apart and don't need to fill every moment with frequent communication.

 

In my mind, texting is just for making plans, confirming them, and maybe sharing funny or exciting news (but with that I'd much rather have a phone call!)

[GemmaUK]

Gemma, you and I must be in the same basic age range. I mean, I sometimes take hours to get back to my FIANCE's text if work is crazy. Most people with a full life can't respond within minutes. That almost seems.....weird to me.

 

And if someone is purposely waiting to text or respond, they can't then get upset that others don't respond to THEM.

 

Once us old farts die out, the human race might cease to exist with all this crazy rulebook, game-playing, "dance" PUA stuff. However did us 1970's and 1980s daters survive???

 

I'm going to go refill my geritol now....

 

Ditto..I would elaborate more but I am almost speechless.

This is as stunning as the carp that came out of my abusive ex's mouth - I thought he was kidding for a little while...he wasn't.

Luckily I never fell for him, still took me a while to get rid - guess why? Cos I had a life and work and other stuff going on so it was easier just to deal with him.

Maybe the OP has had those kind of relationships in reverse, guys sticking around as it as easier to do so until there was leeway to leave and deal with any possible aftermath.

 

Most people aren't like this though - this behaviour is not common, not even with clingy people.

[knabe]

It might be hypocritical, but that's Ok if it is a strategy that works. If it's a psychological issue... then that's another story.

 

 

 

I started dating in the early 2000's. Pre-Cell phone and Pre-Facebook era. Dating sucked back then. I remember it being hard as hell. A tiny handful of guys had natural charisma and women flocked to them... the rest just sat lonely and watched. I would say 2/3rds of my friends could not get a date to save their lives.

 

So you ask how the 70's and 80's daters survived?... many didn't. I don't think it's a coincidence those were they heydays of serial killers. The dating scene must have driven guys insane back then.

 

Hey, you are talking to a sweet tall girl with some shyness who didn't "put out." If bad dating makes a serial killer I would be in the chair right now lol

 

I think some of the things that made it "harder" also made it easier. We didn't have all this CONSTANT access to everyone, so we didn't have these wild, lopsided expectations.

 

I'm convinced 95% of dating is attitude and self-acceptance. My first round of dating, I was blond, a size 4/6, young, active, and all cute and giggly and smart to boot. I felt inadequate, I obsessed over my flaws, and I tried to fit my target's mold.

 

My second round? Over 40, a size 14, the need for an underwire, teenage kids, and a good bit of the giddiness replaced with good-natured sarcasm and a low tolerance for poopoo.

 

Dating was so frikking easy I wondered if half the men around me were blind because I do NOT fit the hot woman stereotype. But I'm happy and I like myself.

[RecentChange]

You are correct in that I do not have an excuse. I like the term knabe used...'analysis paralysis' (stealing that). I just like inaction because it's more comfortable. Talking a lot leads to progression of other stuff etc.

 

Then it sounds like you aren't ready to date. People WANT to make things progress, otherwise all it is, is a waste of time.

 

I don't have an excuse but I simply don't feel like text to them and I dislike how it's mandatory. Idle chit chat is NOT interesting. And there's only so many times you can say you didnt get the alert...or your rabbit chewed through your charger cable...

 

You don't like how its mandatory - but you feel like it should be mandatory for them? Does that make any sense?

 

I think if you really liked someone, and were ready to actually date, you would enjoy chatting with them - instead of coming up with lies and excuses.

 

Doesn't all that lying give you anxiety? I know I feel anxious if I am telling fibs. And again, if you really liked the guy, and were in a emotional place to date, I don't think you would feel compelled to lie to them.

[Imajerk17]

Well OP, for most posters I would just say to follow their instincts. I mean, I and I think the other posters on this thread can tell whether someone is interested or not, and we don't write someone off just because of a several-hour text-response delay.

 

In your case though, I think your anxiety/extreme self-protectiveness is overwhelming your sense of judgement, and is getting you to make up these crazy rules. YOU can wait several hours to even a whole day to get back to someone, but it is a problem if someone takes 10 minutes to get back to YOU?

 

Why don't you try replacing some of your rules with this: Stop holding others to a standard of behaviour that is much higher than the standard you are holding yourself to. I think you'd be a lot happier in the long run.

Edited October 25, 2017 by Imajerk17

[GemmaUK]

Cookies, do you feel a need to date/meet people on OLD/put pics up on social media to gain positive attention to boost your self worth?

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm trying to think of the right words to say without sounding condescending. You're a smart girl, you have a lot going on for you, but you really need to get your head on straight before doing any more dating.

 

I think it all ties back to the fact you don't even see the point of serious relationships, so you want to create this orbit of eligible men around you, which even as an attractive eligible young lady, isn't working for you. I think I used the term bachelorette in one of your other threads, but really that is how I picture your dating life from what you describe. A bunch of men fawning over you hoping to get the affection returned.

[newheart]

You are correct in that I do not have an excuse. I like the term knabe used...'analysis paralysis' (stealing that). I just like inaction because it's more comfortable. Talking a lot leads to progression of other stuff etc. I don't have an excuse but I simply don't feel like text to them and I dislike how it's mandatory. Idle chit chat is NOT interesting. And there's only so many times you can say you didnt get the alert...or your rabbit chewed through your charger cable...

 

Gemma, I dont tell them that. I want to emphasize I don't try to make idle chit chat all day. But on the rare occasion I text them I am used to an immediate response. Yes, even when they are working. I actually can only think of a couple times I waited an hour or two for a response and I think the reason was because they were trying to get back at me for not answering them for an hour or two so yes it irritated me. Maybe if I talked to more than a few people I wouldn;t notice these nuances

 

True story - I once had an employee who was a no-call no-show for their work shift use the excuse that their dog ate their phone charger so they couldn't call out for their shift.

 

Everyone has extremely different texting habits. Most men I've dated (in my experience) have been big on checking in - good morning, how's your day, texts in between, good night, etc. Then, there's the recent BF (or whatever he currently is) who sometimes is chatty via text when there is a purpose behind the conversation, but isn't big on the checking in for no reason stuff. That has been a challenge for me to adapt to, but not the end of the world.

 

Anyway, Cookie, how about just replying when you see it and letting things take its course? I don't think it's fair to block a male interest who doesn't reply to you immediately, but then make them wait 24 hours for your reply ...

[Miss Spider]

Thank you all for the help. Sorry thread can be closed now...text communication is obviously very relative...TYSM