It's Complicated.

[Unordinary_Feelings]

I am sorry if my reply seemed abrupt. But that does tell me more about your specific personality (and no, that was not meant as a jab). If my response seemed harsh and "under fire" to you, that tells me that you are a sensitive person. That means it will be harder for you not to "read into" things, need assurance, etc.

 

There is nothing wrong with being that kind of person. People are who they are. BUT if your girlfriend is not, AND she is busy trying to stay above water...being really sensitive won't work in your favor. That is not harsh. That is a fact.

 

Hi Knabe, definitely wasn't talking about you/your post. Sorry, I think my thoughts sort of got lumped together. You and CO have by far had the most balanced and helpful posts.

 

Regardless, I am a sensitive person. I do have troubles with needing reassurance and reading into things. I tend to personalize things with her sometimes. But I'm also a person with a high degree of self-awareness and willingness to work on my faults. I'm sincerely trying to improve.

 

I came here to look for sound advice, perspective, and encouragement to work on things. Not a bunch of calls to simply end my relationship or for people to shout that my girlfriend doesn't care about me.

 

I know that you're right. I've pushed her to uncertainty and without a doubt, I will be the thing to give if I don't adjust my needs. I love her with all of my heart and I don't want to be needy, pressure her, or make her feel like she's got one more thing to balance.

 

I haven't been doing a good job of that and I know that.

 

I will say as an actual woman that people who make blanket statements about all women using terms like "they" are usually not as in touch with the female "hive mind" as they think. So try not to get too discouraged.

 

Oh no worries. I'm ignoring the folks who come in here and shout "quit!" or tell me that my girlfriend lost interest. For a reminder of that, I simply look at the texts from 30 seconds ago with the little hearts and "I love you" with a billion "o's and u's".

 

We love each other. I know that much. But I do need to stop adding to the pressure cooker. I have my insecurities. Advice on how to take it easy would be nice. I've always been a worrier.

[knabe]

But I do need to stop adding to the pressure cooker. I have my insecurities. Advice on how to take it easy would be nice. I've always been a worrier.

 

I used to be the same way. In early relationships, it seemed like them being busy and needing space made my neediness kick into overdrive!

 

My answer was to kind of "preplan" my contacts, so they would not be too overwhelming. Like, if I knew they had a big final coming up, then I would not call or ask for one-on-one time right around there, but I would always call after it was over and tell them I hope it went well, or offer to bring over some pizza to celebrate the big test being over. This was all before texting and internet (I'm old lol). But the best thing was to find things I could immerse MYSELF in, and plan times to do them. If Greg was going to be busy 5 nights in a row with stuff, I would plan those to be nights I swam laps or worked on my artwork or planned stuff with my girlfriends. Then I am so occupied, I am not trying to fill the void with neediness.

 

Here's what I have learned after half a century: If I love someone well, they will either love me well or they won't. If they love me well, there is not need for insecurity. If they don't, or if they stop, then....it will hurt, and I will cry, and I may never really understand why. BUT I will survive, and I will have learned something in the relationship.

 

I basically have found out I am resilient. So are you; you really are.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

We love each other. I know that much. But I do need to stop adding to the pressure cooker. I have my insecurities. Advice on how to take it easy would be nice. I've always been a worrier.

 

Yoga? Get a cat or dog? Take up painting? See a therapist? (I've done all of these things for anxiety, in addition to medication, so I know what I'm talking about )

 

Ya know how some people post sappy messages on Facebook about their relationships when they hit a milestone anniversary? Like, 5, 10, 20 years? What's the one thing they ALL have in common? Phrases like "ups and downs," "good times and bad times," "like a roller coaster," "feast or famine." But also, "stuck together," "wouldn't want to do life with anyone else," "thank you for being my rock," blah blah blah.

 

I've never read a sappy message that said, "We've always been on the same page, totally simpatico for the last 20 years! It's been so easy to stay in love!"

 

It's because life happens. Change happens. Unexpected crap gets thrown at you. Learning to roll with the punches and adapt to change is critical to making a relationship last.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Here's what I have learned after half a century: If I love someone well, they will either love me well or they won't. If they love me well, there is not need for insecurity. If they don't, or if they stop, then....it will hurt, and I will cry, and I may never really understand why. BUT I will survive, and I will have learned something in the relationship.

 

I basically have found out I am resilient. So are you; you really are.

 

I like this. I'll add to it that I have learned that, to me, TRUST means actually trusting in my own ability to be just fine IF someone lets me down. Because people will always let me down, for the rest of my life. And I'll let them down. But, I've been through enough crap in my life, and come through it just fine, that I have total trust in myself to get through most of what life could throw at me.

[Highndry]

If she was not in the picture would you be converting to Islam on your own accord, or is this something you are doing just so you can marry her? If it's the latter, you my friend are changing your stripes to try to be something she wants you to be rather than being yourself, and that's never the right move. Ever. Something to think about.

[normal person]

Still...she makes every effort she can. She sacrifices on study weeks to spend time together and it's not like talking about those things has ceased all together.

 

I don't know...

 

I feel like a mountain is being made out of a mole hill. She's in med school, she's under constant stress. The thought of marriage, kids, is just an additional stressor that doesn't have to be dealt with until the time comes.

 

She makes time for you when she has it, but you should know that she doesn't always have it. If she's studying heart valves and you're interrupting her to read your poem, she's likely not going to take it too well. It sounds to me like she's got you in the big picture, but medical school is the primary focus right now. So you might need to just let her do her thing even if it means you don't communicate as frequently as you'd like. She'll probably appreciate it. And bugging her when she's trying to get things done, and then taking too much issue with is bound to make her think you're needy and clingy, and that's never a good look.

[Unordinary_Feelings]

I used to be the same way. In early relationships, it seemed like them being busy and needing space made my neediness kick into overdrive!

 

My answer was to kind of "preplan" my contacts, so they would not be too overwhelming. Like, if I knew they had a big final coming up, then I would not call or ask for one-on-one time right around there, but I would always call after it was over and tell them I hope it went well, or offer to bring over some pizza to celebrate the big test being over. This was all before texting and internet (I'm old lol). But the best thing was to find things I could immerse MYSELF in, and plan times to do them. If Greg was going to be busy 5 nights in a row with stuff, I would plan those to be nights I swam laps or worked on my artwork or planned stuff with my girlfriends. Then I am so occupied, I am not trying to fill the void with neediness.

 

Here's what I have learned after half a century: If I love someone well, they will either love me well or they won't. If they love me well, there is not need for insecurity. If they don't, or if they stop, then....it will hurt, and I will cry, and I may never really understand why. BUT I will survive, and I will have learned something in the relationship.

 

I basically have found out I am resilient. So are you; you really are.

 

Those first two sentences are me to a T. I incorrectly equate her busyness with things like "pulling away" and "losing interest". Really, she's just busy and then by being crappy, I'm only spoiling the time we do have together instead of making it fun and easy.

 

That's an excellent point. Her schedule is predictable. I can just schedule some predictability of my own to take the anxiety out of it.

 

The fact is that she's a wonderful girlfriend. One of the things that makes me the happiest about her is the way that this is challenging me to grow. I know that I can be needy and insecure, but I'd really like that to stop. The best part is that I'm also super willing to put in the work to make that happen.

 

I think that I know that. Thank you, Knabe. I really appreciate the advice and I'll do my best to apply it.

 

Yoga? Get a cat or dog? Take up painting? See a therapist? (I've done all of these things for anxiety, in addition to medication, so I know what I'm talking about )

 

Ya know how some people post sappy messages on Facebook about their relationships when they hit a milestone anniversary? Like, 5, 10, 20 years? What's the one thing they ALL have in common? Phrases like "ups and downs," "good times and bad times," "like a roller coaster," "feast or famine." But also, "stuck together," "wouldn't want to do life with anyone else," "thank you for being my rock," blah blah blah.

 

I've never read a sappy message that said, "We've always been on the same page, totally simpatico for the last 20 years! It's been so easy to stay in love!"

 

It's because life happens. Change happens. Unexpected crap gets thrown at you. Learning to roll with the punches and adapt to change is critical to making a relationship last.

 

I've definitely gone to therapy to learn to improve myself. Music is my thing and I do that frequently. The thing is, I am a busy guy. I work a lot, go to school, I've been a musician for 15 years. I've got plenty of friends and hang out with them frequently. I feel like I'm living a pretty fulfilling life. I'm not sure why it makes me anxious.

 

Haha, that's an excellent point! I'll try to keep that in mind. I need to learn to be more adaptive and forgiving of changes. I need to ascribe the higher intent to my partner instead of personalizing it.

 

Ugh. This is gonna be tough.

[Miss Spider]

the thing is you shouldnt be a stressor to her on top of school...you should be like a breath of fresh air...the prospect of being with you forever should be what calms her down, not scares her

[knabe]

Music is my thing and I do that frequently.

 

This is actually perfect. I'm a right brainer too, and throwing myself into my art/craft makes the time pass, and I lose myself in it. It also gives outlet to all those emotions.

 

Plus chicks dig musicians - you should write her a song sometime.

[Unordinary_Feelings]

If she was not in the picture would you be converting to Islam on your own accord, or is this something you are doing just so you can marry her? If it's the latter, you my friend are changing your stripes to try to be something she wants you to be rather than being yourself, and that's never the right move. Ever. Something to think about.

 

I wouldn't be. I've been agnostic for many years. But she knows that and we've talked through that as well. I agree and I've thought about this a lot. She loves me for me and knows who I am and how I feel, given how honest I've been I have no doubt about that.

 

I feel like a mountain is being made out of a mole hill. She's in med school, she's under constant stress. The thought of marriage, kids, is just an additional stressor that doesn't have to be dealt with until the time comes.

 

She makes time for you when she has it, but you should know that she doesn't always have it. If she's studying heart valves and you're interrupting her to read your poem, she's likely not going to take it too well. It sounds to me like she's got you in the big picture, but medical school is the primary focus right now. So you might need to just let her do her thing even if it means you don't communicate as frequently as you'd like. She'll probably appreciate it. And bugging her when she's trying to get things done, and then taking too much issue with is bound to make her think you're needy and clingy, and that's never a good look.

 

I think you're right. This sounds very similar to how she thinks/talks about it. I just haven't been doing a good job of listening.

 

Yeah, you're right. I've been acting like she's the selfish one, but really it's me. That isn't how I want to be perceived and it definitely isn't what I want to be.

 

the thing is you shouldnt be a stressor to her on top of school...you should be like a breath of fresh air...the prospect of being with you forever should be what calms her down, not scares her

 

Deep down, I know this. I just need to be better about embodying it.

 

This is actually perfect. I'm a right brainer too, and throwing myself into my art/craft makes the time pass, and I lose myself in it. It also gives outlet to all those emotions.

 

Plus chicks dig musicians - you should write her a song sometime.

 

I do all the time and she loves it! You're right. I need to focus on a craft or something else that uses up the the time for something other than needless anxiety.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

One of the things that makes me the happiest about her is the way that this is challenging me to grow. I know that I can be needy and insecure, but I'd really like that to stop. The best part is that I'm also super willing to put in the work to make that happen.

 

 

Probably your best quality . (In addition to being a musician....*swoon*)

[LovelyRose]

You were friends since she was about 18, barely out of HS. You guys are still young and barely starting to live adulthood.

 

When you two started where she was asking for more time with you, she wasn't in med school and you were still figuring things out where your relationship will go. You were in honeymoon phase.

 

Now you two have known each other for years. You should be secure and comfortable with each other. You should have faith that you have built a strong foundation over the years from friends to lovers. That even though your time together has decreased, your love for one another didn't and stayed intact.

 

She is going through a lot of stress. I don't exactly know what it's like to be a med student but I know a bunch of people that when they were in school (law, nursing, med) all they did was study, catch up on sleep. Always walking around with a book in their hands, passing out while studying. So what are you doing? Instead of helping and supporting her (not saying that you are not, but based on what you wrote) with this, you are insisting on talking about the future.

 

Why are you constantly talking about the future? Are you planning to marry her tomorrow, next month, next year? You guys are not even in your mid 20's yet. So what's the rush and why put so much pressure on talking about the future? I don't really see the point in this. You two should really be focusing on how to succeed in life. Help her get through med school and focus on the love you have for each other.

 

You can talk about the future all day every day. But the truth of the matter is, you will never know what the future holds. What you are now will most likely be different 2, 5, 7 years from now. You are so focused on she's not calling you future hubby anymore that you are overlooking all the effort she is making for you. Spending time with you instead of studying, etc.

 

Why do you think she asked you if her love is enough for you? Take a wild guess. Because your constant complaining or discussing about negative things you feel is making her doubt if she's good enough for you anymore. You will start to make her question if she is a good girlfriend. Do you really want to do that to her?

 

You are right, I don't know why someone was too quick to say she is no longer interested and leave her.I say NO! I'm just shaking my head to that advice.

 

Nowhere in your posts I felt like she was losing interest. The poor girl is exhausted. But despite all that, she still makes time for you. What about herself? In between you, her family, her school..what's left for her? Ever think about that?

 

Welcome to adulthood my dear. As you get older you will have more and more responsibilities, stress and hurdles. Are you ready for those? You two were soooo young when you started. Now that you are actually facing real adult world challenges you need to buckle up and toughen up because it's NOT going to get easier. It will only get harder.

 

You are complaining now? Wait til you see few months, years from now. How will you take it once she takes residency? What will you do when she has to do a 48 hour shift and be a total zombie after?

 

I can relate to you somehow. I'm not saying that you are, but I do have huge tendencies to be clingy and needy and insecure. It's something that I will have to work on for the rest of my life I think. So believe me I can relate to you. But if you truly love her and see her as your future wife. All you can do is continue to love her, have faith in the love you two share and be her rock.

 

Rather than complaining you no longer see her enough why not focus and prepare for days you two will be together? I know it is frustrating, but you have to sacrifice like what she's doing.

 

I truly believe in this saying:

 

"The only thing constant in life is change."

 

Fasten your seat belt as your journey is just starting.

[LovelyRose]

Those first two sentences are me to a T. I incorrectly equate her busyness with things like "pulling away" and "losing interest". Really, she's just busy and then by being crappy, I'm only spoiling the time we do have together instead of making it fun and easy.

 

That's an excellent point. Her schedule is predictable. I can just schedule some predictability of my own to take the anxiety out of it.

 

The fact is that she's a wonderful girlfriend. One of the things that makes me the happiest about her is the way that this is challenging me to grow. I know that I can be needy and insecure, but I'd really like that to stop. The best part is that I'm also super willing to put in the work to make that happen.

 

I think that I know that. Thank you, Knabe. I really appreciate the advice and I'll do my best to apply it.

 

 

 

I've definitely gone to therapy to learn to improve myself. Music is my thing and I do that frequently. The thing is, I am a busy guy. I work a lot, go to school, I've been a musician for 15 years. I've got plenty of friends and hang out with them frequently. I feel like I'm living a pretty fulfilling life. I'm not sure why it makes me anxious.

 

Haha, that's an excellent point! I'll try to keep that in mind. I need to learn to be more adaptive and forgiving of changes. I need to ascribe the higher intent to my partner instead of personalizing it.

 

Ugh. This is gonna be tough.

 

 

 

You know what's funny, I hear this all the time. Keep yourself busy with other things. But the problem for me is I'm just extremely wired. I do tend to complain to my bf too sometimes that he doesn't make enough effort to give me time. But in all reality is I'm just super hyper. I told him I can do 100 things at once and somehow he will still be in my brain and I'd think of him.

 

I do get you and I feel you. But only thing you can do is continue doing what you're doing. Keep busy and focus on how great she is for a girlfriend and NOT how you don't spend much time anymore. It's great her schedule is predictable. Some people don't have that luxury.

 

Hang in there!

[Unordinary_Feelings]

You were friends since she was about 18, barely out of HS. You guys are still young and barely starting to live adulthood.

 

When you two started where she was asking for more time with you, she wasn't in med school and you were still figuring things out where your relationship will go. You were in honeymoon phase.

 

Now you two have known each other for years. You should be secure and comfortable with each other. You should have faith that you have built a strong foundation over the years from friends to lovers. That even though your time together has decreased, your love for one another didn't and stayed intact.

 

She is going through a lot of stress. I don't exactly know what it's like to be a med student but I know a bunch of people that when they were in school (law, nursing, med) all they did was study, catch up on sleep. Always walking around with a book in their hands, passing out while studying. So what are you doing? Instead of helping and supporting her (not saying that you are not, but based on what you wrote) with this, you are insisting on talking about the future.

 

Why are you constantly talking about the future? Are you planning to marry her tomorrow, next month, next year? You guys are not even in your mid 20's yet. So what's the rush and why put so much pressure on talking about the future? I don't really see the point in this. You two should really be focusing on how to succeed in life. Help her get through med school and focus on the love you have for each other.

 

You can talk about the future all day every day. But the truth of the matter is, you will never know what the future holds. What you are now will most likely be different 2, 5, 7 years from now. You are so focused on she's not calling you future hubby anymore that you are overlooking all the effort she is making for you. Spending time with you instead of studying, etc.

 

Why do you think she asked you if her love is enough for you? Take a wild guess. Because your constant complaining or discussing about negative things you feel is making her doubt if she's good enough for you anymore. You will start to make her question if she is a good girlfriend. Do you really want to do that to her?

 

You are right, I don't know why someone was too quick to say she is no longer interested and leave her.I say NO! I'm just shaking my head to that advice.

 

Nowhere in your posts I felt like she was losing interest. The poor girl is exhausted. But despite all that, she still makes time for you. What about herself? In between you, her family, her school..what's left for her? Ever think about that?

 

Welcome to adulthood my dear. As you get older you will have more and more responsibilities, stress and hurdles. Are you ready for those? You two were soooo young when you started. Now that you are actually facing real adult world challenges you need to buckle up and toughen up because it's NOT going to get easier. It will only get harder.

 

You are complaining now? Wait til you see few months, years from now. How will you take it once she takes residency? What will you do when she has to do a 48 hour shift and be a total zombie after?

 

I can relate to you somehow. I'm not saying that you are, but I do have huge tendencies to be clingy and needy and insecure. It's something that I will have to work on for the rest of my life I think. So believe me I can relate to you. But if you truly love her and see her as your future wife. All you can do is continue to love her, have faith in the love you two share and be her rock.

 

Rather than complaining you no longer see her enough why not focus and prepare for days you two will be together? I know it is frustrating, but you have to sacrifice like what she's doing.

 

I truly believe in this saying:

 

"The only thing constant in life is change."

 

Fasten your seat belt as your journey is just starting.

 

First, let me say thank you. You're right about a lot of things in your post and I'll absolutely take them to heart. There's a lot of wisdom in your words.

 

At the risk of sounding defensive: a lot of wanting to keep talking about the future is her. I've suggested that we not talk about it anymore, but she doesn't want to stop talking about it. I know this may sound contradictory, but it's only recently that she's pulled back on saying the "future hubby" type stuff. Like within the last two weeks kind of recent.

 

However, I think that continuing to discuss the future so much is only affecting us negatively. So I get a little mixed up. She says she doesn't want to do without the future talk and also that she's feeling a little overwhelmed and unsure about things

 

You're right though. I'm definitely overlooking her effort and she lets me know this when we argue. I know that she's right. I know you're right.

 

And you're also right that I should have more empathy for her exhaustion. You're absolutely right...I feel ashamed of myself for not doing more to help her in that sense. I got so caught up in the things I am doing for her that I've completely disregarded what she's so clearly telling me she needs.

 

I need to toughen up considerably.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

First, let me say thank you. You're right about a lot of things in your post and I'll absolutely take them to heart. There's a lot of wisdom in your words.

 

At the risk of sounding defensive: a lot of wanting to keep talking about the future is her. I've suggested that we not talk about it anymore, but she doesn't want to stop talking about it. I know this may sound contradictory, but it's only recently that she's pulled back on saying the "future hubby" type stuff. Like within the last two weeks kind of recent.

 

However, I think that continuing to discuss the future so much is only affecting us negatively. So I get a little mixed up. She says she doesn't want to do without the future talk and also that she's feeling a little overwhelmed and unsure about things

 

You're right though. I'm definitely overlooking her effort and she lets me know this when we argue. I know that she's right. I know you're right.

 

And you're also right that I should have more empathy for her exhaustion. You're absolutely right...I feel ashamed of myself for not doing more to help her in that sense. I got so caught up in the things I am doing for her that I've completely disregarded what she's so clearly telling me she needs.

 

I need to toughen up considerably.

 

You sound like a great boyfriend, and she sounds amazing as well. I have very high hopes that you two will work this out just fine .

 

My female cousin is married to a doctor. They are both young (in their thirties). I know med school was hard for her, and things got even harder after they married and had 4 kids in five years (including an autistic child and a set of twins). They are very happy (as far as I know), but it takes a VERY strong person to be married to a young doctor. There are so many hours, so much debt..... but I'm pulling for you two. I think with your self-awareness and her just being an all around great gal (it seems), you have what it takes <3.

[Unordinary_Feelings]

You sound like a great boyfriend, and she sounds amazing as well. I have very high hopes that you two will work this out just fine .

 

My female cousin is married to a doctor. They are both young (in their thirties). I know med school was hard for her, and things got even harder after they married and had 4 kids in five years (including an autistic child and a set of twins). They are very happy (as far as I know), but it takes a VERY strong person to be married to a young doctor. There are so many hours, so much debt..... but I'm pulling for you two. I think with your self-awareness and her just being an all around great gal (it seems), you have what it takes <3.

 

Aww. Thank you. I'm trying to be. She's incredible. I really hope we can.

 

It'll definitely be hard, but I want to learn to be the man she needs. She's worth the effort for sure.

[Unordinary_Feelings]

Okay. So I'm going to use this post as a bit of a day to day journal of my attempts and failures at everyone's advice.

 

Last night, my girlfriend asked me to pick her up from downtown and give her a ride back to her car. I brought her Jamba Juice, opened her door, and held her hand on the ride home. She seemed happy and relieved.

 

We had plans to hang out tonight, but I could tell that she needed to study. I told her to study and not sweat it. I told her that I wanted her to do well on the test.

 

She then tried to make plans with me for Friday night and realized that she had plans that had been rescheduled with some friends from her lab. While my gut instinct would normally have been to get jealous or mopey, I just said "Don't worry about it, baby. You've been working hard. You deserve time to yourself, with your friends."

 

To which she responded, "But I want time with you!" I just calmly said, "I know baby, I do too! But you go have fun. You deserve it. You've been working your little butt off." I think that made her happy. When I dropped her off, she hugged me tight and kept telling me how lucky she felt. She even wanted to call me to talk on the way home. I told her, "Relax, honey. Enjoy your smoothie and give your brain a break."

 

I think that gave her the strength to keep studying when she got home.

 

I worked a 12 hour shift, just so I could give her that ride home. It felt great to not have anything to fight about. She got home, told me that she had the best men in her life (talking about me and her dad) and has been all hearts since last night.

 

Even though I sincerely mean everything I'm saying, it's taking a surprising amount energy for me to keep my crappy impulses under control...but I want this to become second nature

 

Thanks to everyone for your advice, it's helping me tremendously to read and reread it.

[LovelyRose]

Okay. So I'm going to use this post as a bit of a day to day journal of my attempts and failures at everyone's advice.

 

Last night, my girlfriend asked me to pick her up from downtown and give her a ride back to her car. I brought her Jamba Juice, opened her door, and held her hand on the ride home. She seemed happy and relieved.

 

We had plans to hang out tonight, but I could tell that she needed to study. I told her to study and not sweat it. I told her that I wanted her to do well on the test.

 

She then tried to make plans with me for Friday night and realized that she had plans that had been rescheduled with some friends from her lab. While my gut instinct would normally have been to get jealous or mopey, I just said "Don't worry about it, baby. You've been working hard. You deserve time to yourself, with your friends."

 

To which she responded, "But I want time with you!" I just calmly said, "I know baby, I do too! But you go have fun. You deserve it. You've been working your little butt off." I think that made her happy. When I dropped her off, she hugged me tight and kept telling me how lucky she felt. She even wanted to call me to talk on the way home. I told her, "Relax, honey. Enjoy your smoothie and give your brain a break."

 

I think that gave her the strength to keep studying when she got home.

 

I worked a 12 hour shift, just so I could give her that ride home. It felt great to not have anything to fight about. She got home, told me that she had the best men in her life (talking about me and her dad) and has been all hearts since last night.

 

Even though I sincerely mean everything I'm saying, it's taking a surprising amount energy for me to keep my crappy impulses under control...but I want this to become second nature

 

Thanks to everyone for your advice, it's helping me tremendously to read and reread it.

 

 

 

Yayyy good job and keep up the good work.

 

I wish you both good luck. Remember to keep it balance for your own good as well. Don't overdo it either, otherwise you might go back to the old you.

 

What I mean for example is, when she asked you to give her a call on your way home, it's ok to do so. But you have the option to keep it very short and tell her you're going to hangup now so she can relax her brain for her studying. Nothing wrong with what you did, just maybe for next time. Since you mentioned it took a great amount of energy from you to do that.

 

You see what I mean? Now instead of asking if her love is enough for you, now she is telling you she has best men in her life and that she feels so lucky.

 

[ThorntonMelon]

First of all I wish you luck. I had pondered responding to this, because I have a strong reaction to it, but differing views I think can help.

 

I think it is very good that where you have felt that you might act "jealous or mopey" that you are keeping those feelings to yourself. Those emotions are never attractive or helpful. We all feel them from time to time of course but good for you for being emotionally aware of them and fighting them off.

 

But the rest of this post is dripping with martyrdom in a way that can't possibly lead to a successful relationship. You're telling her how she feels (she wants to talk to you, you tell her she should relax and drink a smoothie), and all this stuff about what she deserves while she's cancelling plans with you. It's phony. She will see through this act in days if not weeks.

 

And I will tell you that if I worked extra to give my girlfriend a ride, then basically had her blow me off to hang with her friends, and her thank you was to compare me to her father, well, I'd probably be at the bar drinking instead of beaming because we weren't fighting.

 

You're not a pet that needs training unless you want to be. You're allowed to have standards and expectations of a partner, even while they are in medical school. You don't have to be some sort of phony.

 

You seem like a super, super guy, but what I'd like to see you do is go somewhere alone and quiet with a notebook and write down what you truly want from your partner. And then figure out if she can meet it. Because what you're sharing above is entirely unsustainable. While your impulses may be "crappy" (your term), you get one life to live, and it should be an authentic one. Right now you're a puppy dog trying to please its owner, and for your sake I hope you can find the things you need, and a partner invested as much in making you happy as you her.

[Highndry]

First of all I wish you luck. I had pondered responding to this, because I have a strong reaction to it, but differing views I think can help.

 

I think it is very good that where you have felt that you might act "jealous or mopey" that you are keeping those feelings to yourself. Those emotions are never attractive or helpful. We all feel them from time to time of course but good for you for being emotionally aware of them and fighting them off.

 

But the rest of this post is dripping with martyrdom in a way that can't possibly lead to a successful relationship. You're telling her how she feels (she wants to talk to you, you tell her she should relax and drink a smoothie), and all this stuff about what she deserves while she's cancelling plans with you. It's phony. She will see through this act in days if not weeks.

 

And I will tell you that if I worked extra to give my girlfriend a ride, then basically had her blow me off to hang with her friends, and her thank you was to compare me to her father, well, I'd probably be at the bar drinking instead of beaming because we weren't fighting.

 

You're not a pet that needs training unless you want to be. You're allowed to have standards and expectations of a partner, even while they are in medical school. You don't have to be some sort of phony.

 

You seem like a super, super guy, but what I'd like to see you do is go somewhere alone and quiet with a notebook and write down what you truly want from your partner. And then figure out if she can meet it. Because what you're sharing above is entirely unsustainable. While your impulses may be "crappy" (your term), you get one life to live, and it should be an authentic one. Right now you're a puppy dog trying to please its owner, and for your sake I hope you can find the things you need, and a partner invested as much in making you happy as you her.

 

Nailed it.

[Unordinary_Feelings]

First of all I wish you luck. I had pondered responding to this, because I have a strong reaction to it, but differing views I think can help.

 

I think it is very good that where you have felt that you might act "jealous or mopey" that you are keeping those feelings to yourself. Those emotions are never attractive or helpful. We all feel them from time to time of course but good for you for being emotionally aware of them and fighting them off.

 

But the rest of this post is dripping with martyrdom in a way that can't possibly lead to a successful relationship. You're telling her how she feels (she wants to talk to you, you tell her she should relax and drink a smoothie), and all this stuff about what she deserves while she's cancelling plans with you. It's phony. She will see through this act in days if not weeks.

 

And I will tell you that if I worked extra to give my girlfriend a ride, then basically had her blow me off to hang with her friends, and her thank you was to compare me to her father, well, I'd probably be at the bar drinking instead of beaming because we weren't fighting.

 

You're not a pet that needs training unless you want to be. You're allowed to have standards and expectations of a partner, even while they are in medical school. You don't have to be some sort of phony.

 

You seem like a super, super guy, but what I'd like to see you do is go somewhere alone and quiet with a notebook and write down what you truly want from your partner. And then figure out if she can meet it. Because what you're sharing above is entirely unsustainable. While your impulses may be "crappy" (your term), you get one life to live, and it should be an authentic one. Right now you're a puppy dog trying to please its owner, and for your sake I hope you can find the things you need, and a partner invested as much in making you happy as you her.

 

I appreciate you wishing me luck and taking the time to respond to my post.

 

And thanks, I'm glad I was able to stave off those feelings too. The rest of it, I'm not so sure about. I know my girlfriend pretty well. She had gotten done with a 12 hour day too and she was drained. Those eyes of hers had nothing left. I could see that she was giving an effort to give me what I want (I've been asking for more communication), but I turned it down because I could tell she needed a breather.

 

We also didn't have set plans for Thursday (tonight). At best, she was coming over to study just so we could be near each other. Honestly, sometimes that's nice, but this week I'm not feeling it. The Friday thing was spontaneous and she was genuine in wanting to hang out. I didn't detect any malice. She's spread thin.

 

I don't disagree with you and I appreciate that you think I'm a nice guy. I'm sure you're a nice guy yourself. But I'm also not going to play the saint here. My girl tries. She sees me more than a lot of my buddies gfs see them (and they aren't in med school).

 

I'm not going to pretend that I didn't do things to create friction and get us to this point. Her effort, given the circumstances, hasn't been unreasonable. But my expectations sometimes have been.

 

Regardless, I see your point. I have a lot of respect for my girlfriend, but I have an equal amount of respect for myself. I'm giving an effort to reestablish my equilibrium. I don't want to be needy. So I'm choosing to work on that. Not for her, but for myself.

 

While I'd like for my relationship to work out, I also recognize that not everything is meant to last. So worst case scenario, I come out the other side a better man who's more in control of his crappier feelings. I knew what this was going to be like when I signed up for it. Turns out it's harder than I knew. But there's nothing phony about this. The authenticity is in wanting to improve as a man.

 

She'll either come along for that ride or we'll part ways. After posting here, I'm realizing there isn't much I can do about it.

[ThorntonMelon]

Whether you believe me or not - your tone towards me (slightly annoyed) is exactly where you need in your relationship. Just look at the tone of your outlook in the last two points and lean your actions towards this one, and you're right where you need to be.

 

GL