GIGS? ROCD? Was I a rebound or placeholder? How can he walked away that easily?

[shastaa]

Our situation has been very unique and out of the ordinary, this will be quite long so i hope apoe you got time and patience to read.

 

We first met way back 2009 when he visited the country as he is half Asian and his dad is European. He would always come by my mom's shop and hang out just chatting etc. but i was married already by that time. (got martied by the age of 18)

 

A year after that, he met my cousin born and raised in UK as well, they got on and stayed together for 5y, they were about to move in together when my cousin broke up with him and told him that she wasn't really happy with him.

 

He contacted me via FB by late 2015 just to say hello, that time, i had already been separated with my ex husband for 3y or so but not annulled as it costs a lot in here in this country. I just also came out from a short live relationship (emotional LDR, no physical contact) with a High School crush back then. He messages few times a week and I was okay to casually do the replies cos didn't wanna be rude and i am well aware that i could get attached.

 

Until few times he'd gotten flirty and i told him we should have boundaries. He said he didn't want some boundaries and wants to know me raw, i asked him suppose i give it a shot, what makes you think it will work? time difference, distance, cultural gap and other things that may come between, i wasn't feeling anything for him that time and im scared that i might hurt his feelings. He was very persistent until one day after daily chat and occasional calls he grew into me.

 

We decided to meet up Dec 2016 and everything was set, only one problem, he never really told me that his recent ex was my cousin. I honestly didn't know about that and how would i as it was a secret relationship. despite doubts i gave him a chance, after that we were okay, we had occasional misunderstanding here and there but none that was really serious.

 

He just actually visited me late Aug this year, he was constantly reminding me to sort out papers for SG, he said things be okay, he's a lot nearer now and can come by here in my place during weekends if my papers aren't ready yet. (He resorted to work as an Expat in SG to make things easier and normalize things for us as much as we can) He'd always tell me that we'll find a way, things will work out and would always say that I was always the one since 2009. We were really happy.

 

So im confused why he suddenly felt weird about us, he asked for freedom, he said it's a new country, a new life, and i wanna be able to say things as i am when asked about my status. My head flips like this and i know there's something wrong with me, i wanna find out what my feelings are, i wanna see if i can date and potentially like someone and see if i flip again just like this. You were the center of my world, you make me so happy, i honestly believe that there will be no one better or someone that can encompass you and im well aware i might lose you and i will regret it but i need to find out what i want, i need to do this.

 

I am completely devastated, i loved him to bits and i was blindsided. The pain was unimaginable. I didn't have any choice but to let him go, i never pleaded for him to stay altho i threw in fits and i kept shoving his words back into his mouth, he handled it well, he said he deserved it, so following day i said sorry and that i was scared he's been there for me as best friend more than a boyfriend and things are a lot different now. He said i need to talk to friends and not bottle things up, he said i know i promise that i will always be there for you when you need me but i think we both need space, bec things might blow and i don't wanna hurt you even more i already have, im sorry, i hate that i hurt you. After that, i didn't reply and went AWOL on FB and even deleted my viber acct.

 

I honestly never would have seen this happen. I am so hurt that I still cry everyday. I am well aware that Singaporean girls are highly attracted to caucasians and he admit to me that he once saw someone for a lunchdate prior brake up. I am deeply in pain, he has contacted me 2nd week ost BU and I replied politely. But now were back to NC.

 

I guess I'm looking for someone who's had same experience, how and what did you do to manage and deal with the pain? I am now just cynical and jaded with the love and romance thing.

[toomanyquestions123]

Oh i am so so sorry for your pain !! May i ask how long u were together ?

 

He seems a little bit as a hypocrite for me, he did all those stuff to be near you then he suddenly needed some time out ? Are you sure that he is over your cousin that he dated 5 years secretly ?

 

I have a similar experience as i didnt see it coming at all. My ex-fiance moved from the other part of the world to be with me, i live in Asia & him in America, he changed his job and moved to my country to be with me. We got engaged & started planning for our marriage life when he suddenly flipped out after a fight we had. He broke up with me & he just left & we never talked ever since.

 

It broke my heart, i was in pain & i still am but the pain reduces as time passes. You just need to do like what i am doing, going straight NC, don't check any of his Social media, make a bucket list that you need to finish in 1 year that will distract you enough.

 

And keep venting here it helps

[shastaa]

Hello toomanyquestions123

 

Thank you very much for the reply. I think he isn't fully over his ex.They were each other's first love and was together for 5y, they were supposed to move in together soon until his ex called it off because she felt she had been missing so much in life i.e. clubbing or possibilities of dating other guys bec she never really had the chance to do that. My gut would usually tell me he isn't totally over bec he brings up her ex from time to time, sometimes he really hates her, sometimes he remembers her fondly. I called him out on it one time and he told me that's just him and he spent the last 5y of his with her so his memories and stories in life are usually with her so I did not argued. (We are both 32 btw and his ex is like 8-9y younger)

 

What hurts me the most is that I completely told him I wanted boundaries, and during the early stages of the relationship I would usually tell him not to wait for me as it may take a while before I can pay for the annulment. I told him he can date other girls etc but do not expect me to act as your gf. He would usually flip out on me when I say he can date other girls (i wasn't too attached that time) and would tell me it's not that. The R lasted for 1.5 year.

 

I just feel completely lied to, betrayed and strung along. I feel as if as though he walked out away so easily because he's getting hit on by pretty singaporean ladies which are single and very attractive. I am well aware that I am only an average looking girl with flaws here and there but I just think it is not fair to drag on the relationship for more than a year when he was actually keeping his options open.

 

Anyhow, I don't wish him back anyway. I tell myself all the time you can turn your phone inside out and re-read conversations until your brain explodes trying to get answers to your questions : did he even loved me? do i sometimes cross his mind? am i now only a friend? does he hate me? is he dating someone else yet? was i a rebound? placeholder? second option? did any of that even mattered? you can defo ask the universe all questions you want but ultimately what you only have to remind yourself is that HE LEFT. that's all there is in there. he left even things are good, he left the potential, he left to play the field, he left for someone new, he left even tho it hurt you. forget about the excuses like i don't know what i want, i need to find myself, i am confused, at the end of the day, there's only one thing you need to remember. HE LEFT.

 

I just feel sorry he turned out to be ****, we were each other's absolute bestfriends and it is true that they say betrayal is done by somebody you hold dearly close to your heart.