Lphan301 Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 Hi everyone, I hope you can help me here and give me some advice on this one. Recently I decided to dipped back into online dating again. After a few week this guy who I met online 5 yrs ago message me and asking me if I remembered him... Back story: 5 years ago I met (A) online. He is 10 yrs older than me. So I was 31 and he was 41. He was successful, financially secure, handsome, dog lover, funny,and tall. We went on 3 dates. After the 3rd dates, I felt uneasy on a few things and disappeared. He was a bachelor all his life, never been married, and no kids. He does seem to have a track record of long terms relationship but it doesn't seem to work because he likes them young - about 10 yrs younger than him. The reason he said it doesn't work is because they eventually want kids and he doesn't. He said he told them upfront but they still stay and I think it's because of money. I bolted because I felt uneasy with his track record. Plus he made me feel like he was looking for fWB (always texting me late at night to invite me over) and we didn't have much in common at that time. Fast forward 5 yrs later... He messaged me online 2 weeks ago. Now I'm 36 and he's 46. I decided to give it another shot hoping he's doesnt want to make me a fwb or he's has mature somewhat since I last saw him. I answered his message and he was happy that I replied. So here we are now, he reached out cause he was amazed that I golf which he is fanatic about. Back then, I could care less about golf. Now I love golf with a passion. So the fact he loves it- interest me even more. As we start talking, I started to find out we had a lot more in common now than before. Our taste in musics, our hobbies, the way we think and viewed on things are very similar. Most of all, the plus side is we both don't want kids. We saw each other 3 times so far since he reached out. 1st date was a meet and greet quick dinner. He had a head cold but he wanted to grab a quick bite to eat with me cause he wanted to see how I look like now. 2nd date was a golf date and we had a blast. 3rd date he cooked dinner, I brought wine, and we chill watching tv. So I starting to asked questions that are more in depth and what he did the last 5 yrs. He said he dated a girl which he broke up a couple month ago and she was only 30. They broke up cause she wanted kids and he doesn't. He was with her for about 2 yrs. I asked him what his longest relationship and he said 3yrs. Which tell me he doesn't have a commitment issued but I also found out that he NEVER live with anyone he dated in his life before. I can tell he kinda stuck in his way and he enjoyed his independent way too much. He traveled all over the world solo even he claimed he was in a relationship at that time. For some reason, all this kind of troubling me. I'm wondering if that's a red flag along with the other ones I mentioned above. I really don't want to waste my time with someone who thinks it's good to live separately forever. My "positive thinker" friends said maybe he haven't found the right girl to live with. Any advice will be helpful. P.s. When we first reconnected he texted me with sexual innuendo comment which made me uncomfortable. I finally told him that I'm looking for something with substance. if he's not on the same page then he should go cause he just wasting both our time. He replied that he was joking and has been very respectful since then. Hasn't text me with anything inappropriate. He has not push, or touch me in any sexual way to make me uncomfortable unless I let him. We haven't been intimate yet only making out so far. Even when we make out his hands are respectful.
kassy Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 Well just go in eyes wide open and I think it'll become apparent fairly fast whether there are red flags or not. For now it seems these things could be but also might not be.
kazen Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 Trust your gut. Base on what you said, I get the feeling he's the bachelor type. I wouldn't be surprise if he tries to pick up women at the bar during one of those trips around the world. 1
clia Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 I don't see it as a red flag that he's never lived with anyone. Some people don't see the need to intertwine lives in that way unless there is a larger commitment on the table, such as engagement or marriage. I never lived with a man until after I got engaged to my husband, nor would I have even considered it without being well on our way to marriage. As for his traveling around the world solo while in a relationship -- how long and expensive was the trip? Is it possible his girlfriend couldn't go due to work commitments, not having the money to afford the trip, etc., as opposed to him just not wanting her to go with him? Given the age difference they could've been at quite different points in their lives and careers. You'd think he would rather travel with her, but I can think of plausible reasons why he might not have done so. Do you know how he feels about marriage? I do find it very plausible that his previous relationships have ended due to him not wanting kids. At this point, I would keep seeing him, pace the relationship to your comfort level, and see what happens. 2
Simple Logic Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 If you want a guy to golf and have sex with, he is your guy. Do not expect substance down the road. 1
Soccer1986 Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 I would say trust your gut. If you think it's a red flag don't take any chances.
kendahke Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 No. I don't think it's a red flag at all. Also, truth be told, you two have only been on 6 dates total in 5 years, so neither of you knows the other well enough to make any kinds of judgments on how they lived their lives. He sounds like he answers your questions honestly--and perhaps he didn't want to cohabitate with anyone whose end goal was children. I know I wouldn't want to give someone the false impression that I could be manipulated/coerced/talked into something I've stated clearly I didn't want by letting them move in with me knowing I wasn't changing my mind on not having children, so I don't see any problem with how he's conducted himself. I'd kick golddiggers to the curb, too, if all there were there for was to abandon their bottom line "I will walk" issue (which children are) just to get next to my money. I'd be on the lookout for someone whose life goals were way more in line with mine and if that meant living single, then so be it. Also, last year I traveled to Europe by myself--what does that have to do with the larger picture of my life or my compatibility with someone whose life goals are aligned with mine? 1
Miss Spider Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 Sounds like a Peter Pan type guy. Wasn't rship material at 41....isn't 5 years later . Unsurprising 1
smackie9 Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 This guy fails.......you KNOW you can do better than him.
Author Lphan301 Posted October 25, 2017 Author Posted October 25, 2017 Thank you all for your replied and advices. I want to clarified a few things with your guys questions. He seem genuinely like he’s not hiding anything but he also the type he wouldn’t share any info unless I asked. When I asked about his 3 yrs relationship why they didn’t take it to the next step- he just shrugged his shoulder and said it never got there. Now I don’t know how long ago was that relationship. He said he let his best buddy of his live with him when he move out here to (my state) in his early 30’s. Because his friend traveled for work so much that it work out. The minute his friends slow down on the traveling, he said he couldn’t do it anymore cause his friends is always home and thsts when he asked his friend to moved out. So I can tell he need his space. But the last girl he dated that he just broke up a couple months ago. He did said he offered her to moved in if she didn’t past some sort of work exam. I figured she work for medical field cause he mentioned our biggest hospital name. But then, he followed that statement by saying “I’m glad she didn’t, cause she would be a pain in the ass”..,I asked him “ why would you asked her to move in if you seem so reluctant to the idea”. He replied “ cause he just want to help her with a place to stay. So I don’t know. He does talk bad about her how she treated him BUT yet he stayed with her and offered her to moved in.. I know it’s just one side of the story but something just not quite logic to me. The remaining year of their relationship was long distance. She past the test and moved to another state. He maintained their relationship till she pushes him to have kids again. The traveling alone thing would make sense if his partners in the past was not financially to do so or couldn’t go. But this man travel so much that it was one of the reason I bolted in the past. I couldn’t see myself fit in his lifestyles and all I can see is he will be seeing me only at his convenient. When we first got reconnected again, I literally friendzoned him because of our first encountered. I told him we can be golf buddies. After our golf date, he immediately asked me if I can put him in the romantic zone. He explained his romantic zone was like a traveling companion with benefits. I told him financially I can’t traveled like him plus I have a business to run. I can’t go jet setting every months for 2 weeks at a time. He told me he’s financially set to afford to take me. I like him but he makes me nervous. Since we reconnected in the last 2 weeks. He had to traveled for work for 4 days. He got back last night which I saw him as my 3rd date. But he’s leaving to somewhere exotic tomorrow for another 7 days. He’s constantly traveling and I don’t know who he going with. He said some with some friends.
lovephule Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 Agree that there aren't so much red flags as fundamental incompatibility. Why are you nervous?
Author Lphan301 Posted October 25, 2017 Author Posted October 25, 2017 I guess I’m nervous because right after I disappeared on him the first time. I met someone shortly like him. Same scenario: bachelor, no kids, was married(once) and divorced. So we dated for 1.5 and the guy was a commitment phone. After his divorced, he has not live with anyone since. So I wasted a lot of my time with him and I don’t want to make the same mistake here again. I do agree the guy now can be a fun companion . But not for something with depth and substance. I think he love his space too much. P.s.. I guess one of the good sign I can say is.. he always respond to my text either immediately or within a few hours of reasonable range. His last work trip, he would sent me pic of where he was staying and kept small communication with me. I feel like I’m entering this with arm length and its suck to feel that way.
lovephule Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 You seem to be very clear on the type of relationship you seek and this guy has told you he's not about it. Neither of you has unreasonable desires. To paraphrase Simple Logic, if you're not built for sex and golf (and I would add travel), your best bet is to pull up your stakes now. Something else to keep in mind: when dating a bachelor with a lot of disposable income and a willingness to spend it on you, it's easy to ascribe a meaning to it that isn't there.
Recommended Posts