Notsure1 Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Hi everyone. There is this guy at work who keeps joking around with me and blatantly flirting with me. In terms of looks, I am very average (or maybe less than imo) and he is considered to be a very handsome man. I've noticed that he always seems to turn up the charm when he wants something, but there are times when he goes out of his way to be nice to me regardless. To be honest, I can't really work him out and am wondering if he is just playing with me? To give some more info, he is a superior, married and his flirting cues are: touching my shoulders (from side and behind), giving side hugs, offering me his food/drink, but then sometimes when he wants me to come into work on my day off he will say "it will be like a date" - this makes me think he is just manipulating me. He is the sort of guy who has probably used charm and good looks to get his way. If this is the case, then I feel silly now and may try and act less friendly (but still be polite). What I want to hear is other people's experiences. Have any of you been on the end of flirting that was disingenuous? How did you deal with it?
kazen Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 He's married and he is flirting like he's Harvey Weinstein? I wouldn't be surprise if he had affairs with co-workers in the past. I have seen that happen at my other jobs with married bosses. It's totally inappropriate behavior. 1
Trip2TheSky Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 My Husband uses his charm to get what he wants everywhere. Examples: The office, client meetings and calls, grocery stores, fast food places etc, etc... I am well aware and on board. Perhaps his wife is aware, as well? You'll never know, to say the least. Keep your wits about you and don't fold under pressure. He is Married and off limits, anyways.
Author Notsure1 Posted October 24, 2017 Author Posted October 24, 2017 Thanks guys. I'm married too and want to keep my job (and husband!) so am trying to keep a level head. It is easy to get swept away by the possibility of someone paying me attention which is not helped by his good looks. But lately, I am realizing more and more that it is all probably just a game to him, or that maybe you are right in that he has done this to others before? Either he is (in his mind) 1.) harmlessly flirting, 2.) flirting with genuine intentions, or 3.) flirting with ulterior motives/wants favours.
d0nnivain Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Since you are both married he may just be a flirty guy. He may not mean much by it but if the touching makes you uncomfortable then tell him that. I flirt with all sorts of people but don't touch them. For me, that is where the line is. Don't call him out in public. Pick a relatively quiet private time & just say that you would prefer that he didn't touch you because it makes you uncomfortable. Say you know it's harmless but it's just not something you care to do. Hopefully he'll back off. If he escalates or asks you out, shoot that down immediately & report him to HR. 1
GunslingerRoland Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Why do you care if it's legit or not. Regardless it's highly inappropriate for your married supervisor to act this way towards you. Set strong boundaries, and keep detailed records of when these advances are occurring, depending on the size of the company and the corporate culture consider going to HR, but be warned that it can unfortunately backfire. 1
Author Notsure1 Posted October 24, 2017 Author Posted October 24, 2017 Why do you care if it's legit or not. Regardless it's highly inappropriate for your married supervisor to act this way towards you. Set strong boundaries, and keep detailed records of when these advances are occurring, depending on the size of the company and the corporate culture consider going to HR, but be warned that it can unfortunately backfire. I care because I like to know where I stand with people. I wouldn't go to HR about it as I am not uncomfortable with side hugs and shoulder touching, obviously if he touched me on the thigh/butt that would be highly inappropriate. I do like his company as he is funny and chatting to him is easy. It is just that I don't want to be the butt of jokes or manipulated. Guess the best thing is to be polite but distant.
caveman621 Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 I fear this might get me labeled as a pig, but here goes!!! I work from home. Nobody here to flirt with except my fiance when she's around. All good! But back when I worked in offices, I would flirt with women, even married women, even though I was married. It was fun and helped pass the time. I had a "work wife" that I joked with a lot. But...here's the big thing...both they and I knew it was NOT serious and not trying to lead to something. Just being jokey and flirty to make work a bit more fun and bearable. I was VERY GOOD FRIENDS with the women and already in an "it's OK to joke around" space with them. So....do you like it? If so, give it back to him. If he ever tries to actually make a move to make it real, give him a big "WHOA!!!" If it makes you uncomfortable, tell him to stop or just go straight to HR. If he is as handsome and charming as you say, he probably DOES use that to get his way and might just be manipulating you.
Author Notsure1 Posted October 24, 2017 Author Posted October 24, 2017 I fear this might get me labeled as a pig, but here goes!!! I work from home. Nobody here to flirt with except my fiance when she's around. All good! But back when I worked in offices, I would flirt with women, even married women, even though I was married. It was fun and helped pass the time. I had a "work wife" that I joked with a lot. But...here's the big thing...both they and I knew it was NOT serious and not trying to lead to something. Just being jokey and flirty to make work a bit more fun and bearable. I was VERY GOOD FRIENDS with the women and already in an "it's OK to joke around" space with them. So....do you like it? If so, give it back to him. If he ever tries to actually make a move to make it real, give him a big "WHOA!!!" If it makes you uncomfortable, tell him to stop or just go straight to HR. If he is as handsome and charming as you say, he probably DOES use that to get his way and might just be manipulating you. Thanks for the insight. I think that you are right. I can see that he is probably doing the flirting to pass the time at work, and enjoys it as an ego boost. It is possible that the manipulation thing is a tiny factor too. I do enjoy the banter and like his company, but I do feel uncomfortable if he says things in front of others as it may give the wrong idea...also makes me worry that I am the butt of some inside joke... I wouldn't go down the HR route. I have been abused/harassed before and therefore can sense whether someone is the type to not respect boundaries. I don't get this vibe from him, he is overall a mostly nice guy.
d0nnivain Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 I care because I like to know where I stand with people. I wouldn't go to HR about it as I am not uncomfortable with side hugs and shoulder touching, obviously if he touched me on the thigh/butt that would be highly inappropriate. I do like his company as he is funny and chatting to him is easy. It is just that I don't want to be the butt of jokes or manipulated. Guess the best thing is to be polite but distant. If it's super casual & doesn't come off as sexual I doubt others will make you the butt of jokes or subject to office gossip. If you are not overly uncomfortable keep your eyes open & do practice the polite but distant thing you mentioned.
GunslingerRoland Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 I care because I like to know where I stand with people. I wouldn't go to HR about it as I am not uncomfortable with side hugs and shoulder touching, obviously if he touched me on the thigh/butt that would be highly inappropriate. I do like his company as he is funny and chatting to him is easy. It is just that I don't want to be the butt of jokes or manipulated. Guess the best thing is to be polite but distant. Well, if he is your superior I doubt he's flirting with you just to get you to do things, he should just be able to tell you to do them. So if the question is whether he's flirting innocently or actually trying to start an affair with you. We can't tell you that, you can just let it play out until you figure it out for sure. But I would document what is going on, because this could take a bad turn real fast.
rushed Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 I've got a superior who is similar. He always calls me (and a lot of my other female cowokers) baby, baby-girl, baby-doll, etc. He is super flirty on the phone - examples: "You know who this. You know what I want." "Well, what can YOU do for me?" Sometimes he even sings to me on the phone. When running into him at Starbucks, he has bought and paid for our food. However, I know he's just a flirt. I don't think he has any intention of hooking up with anyone. He's married and I haven't seen the flirting go anywhere past words. How do I deal with him? I groan loudly with disgust when he's the one who answers the phone and I usually say something like, "Oh no, is this John?!" Or when he starts flirting over the phone I'll say, "Jesus Christ! Look. <And repeat my reason my calling.>" The thing is I know he's a friendly guy so he can take the sass from me. Some guys are just naturally flirty. And I know it can feel nice to be the object of someone's attention, but in your case I wouldn't think too much about it. BUT are you hoping for more?
No_Go Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Hi everyone. There is this guy at work who keeps joking around with me and blatantly flirting with me. In terms of looks, I am very average (or maybe less than imo) and he is considered to be a very handsome man. I've noticed that he always seems to turn up the charm when he wants something, but there are times when he goes out of his way to be nice to me regardless. To be honest, I can't really work him out and am wondering if he is just playing with me? To give some more info, he is a superior, married and his flirting cues are: touching my shoulders (from side and behind), giving side hugs, offering me his food/drink, but then sometimes when he wants me to come into work on my day off he will say "it will be like a date" - this makes me think he is just manipulating me. He is the sort of guy who has probably used charm and good looks to get his way. If this is the case, then I feel silly now and may try and act less friendly (but still be polite). What I want to hear is other people's experiences. Have any of you been on the end of flirting that was disingenuous? How did you deal with it? He's manipulating you. He's blatantly using his superiority to manipulate you. I was a victim of 'charmers' when I was young and inexperienced. As soon as they find the next 'target' they drop you like a hot potato. People will say the right way is to report him, but I know it is hard. Distance yourself from him. Never allow to stay alone in his presence. Talk about your boyfriend even if you don't have one. He'll back off. 1
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