mortensorchid Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 This is an issue I was thinking about as well. It can apply to the dating world as well as other aspects of life, to be sure. I remember many years ago now I had an OLD with a guy who attended my university. When we were talking online and he offered some basic factual information about himself I told him I also went to said same university (I won't say which). We met, had an enjoyable evening (as enjoyable as two strangers meeting in an OLD can, I'm sure some of you know what I am talking about). We said our goodbyes and I left. After that I sent him two text messages (one saying simply Merry Christmas and a week later Happy New Year). He responded to both with a simple "thanks same to you". And then I said "Okay, I reached out twice non-committally, he can contact me now.". And I never heard from him again. Problem? Not really a problem but mentioned it to a few people in conversation here and there weeks/months later. When I mentioned it to my Mom she nearly broke down in tears of joy and said she'd been waiting for this day. I said "What day?". She said when some wonderful young man will come along for me. I said oh sorry that was months ago and I never heard from him again. She looked like she was going to break down in tears again but this time because of sadness. I said I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just making conversation. Reactions of others was similar not quite as passionate but they all seemed to say the same things : Why did this not happen? This was the right match because they both went to the same university so they must have so much in common? Of course, anyone who has done OLD knows otherwise - this guy could have been an escaped convict with a neck tattoo and silver teeth, you don't even know this person's last name 90% of the time. Hell, by three weeks later you don't even remember this person's first name. It's just another link in the chain. People seemed to expect certain things when they hear some things about that person. Anyone else experience this? Anyone know why? It's a complicated answer I am sure. Or have others also experienced this?
Gaeta Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Oh ya, In the past few years I grew to dislike men from my own culture. I know exactly why and could write a book on it. My family and friends don't understand why the turn around and they always annoyed me with meeting a nice french-canadian just like me, because life would be easier, and we're the same in so many things and how can I not like them! blahblahblah. 1
CptInsano Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Ah come on, people like to see you get together with somebody who is good for you. Yeah, right! It's more like they want you to meet somebody who is just like them. As a guy, bringing home somebody who is very much not like your mother leads to all kinds of consternation. I can attest to that!
knabe Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 So wait....you had ONE date with a guy, it didn't pan out, and your mom CRIED? Yikes, no wonder you put yourself under so much pressure. 3
Author mortensorchid Posted October 24, 2017 Author Posted October 24, 2017 I explained that to her that this is just how OLD works. She didn't get it, like how the majority of people who have never met someone online work, be it OLD or not. But on the other points people have made: Happiness? Of course. I want to be happy, I want others to be happy, parents want their kids to be happy, etc. There are those who do not want others to be happy but that's another thread. I can tell you I was somewhat looking forward to meeting this guy once he told me he went to the same university (he was two years younger than me, not that we met during the time) for that fact we might have had in common. WHat happened with him is what happened with so many other OLDs in the past. But that's his problem, not mine. I would make a rockin gf to anyone, he wasn't interested enough for whatever reason like most of them are not. Am I asking why it is this particular guy did not call me? I'll never know exactly why other than the fact he wasn't interested enough. But we seem to lean towards others who "look good on paper" towards us. I wonder where this attitude comes from.
Miss Spider Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 This is an issue I was thinking about as well. It can apply to the dating world as well as other aspects of life, to be sure. I remember many years ago now I had an OLD with a guy who attended my university. When we were talking online and he offered some basic factual information about himself I told him I also went to said same university (I won't say which). We met, had an enjoyable evening (as enjoyable as two strangers meeting in an OLD can, I'm sure some of you know what I am talking about). We said our goodbyes and I left. After that I sent him two text messages (one saying simply Merry Christmas and a week later Happy New Year). He responded to both with a simple "thanks same to you". And then I said "Okay, I reached out twice non-committally, he can contact me now.". And I never heard from him again. Problem? Not really a problem but mentioned it to a few people in conversation here and there weeks/months later. When I mentioned it to my Mom she nearly broke down in tears of joy and said she'd been waiting for this day. I said "What day?". She said when some wonderful young man will come along for me. I said oh sorry that was months ago and I never heard from him again. She looked like she was going to break down in tears again but this time because of sadness. I said I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just making conversation. Reactions of others was similar not quite as passionate but they all seemed to say the same things : Why did this not happen? This was the right match because they both went to the same university so they must have so much in common? Of course, anyone who has done OLD knows otherwise - this guy could have been an escaped convict with a neck tattoo and silver teeth, you don't even know this person's last name 90% of the time. Hell, by three weeks later you don't even remember this person's first name. It's just another link in the chain. People seemed to expect certain things when they hear some things about that person. Anyone else experience this? Anyone know why? It's a complicated answer I am sure. Or have others also experienced this? Yea, we draw conclusions about ppl based on what school they went to, their job, their appearance etc. It's all what makes them seem attractive. Everyone's got that idea of what they want on paper, but very rarely you can meet someone so cool that it makes you rip up the paper and throw it away
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 I explained that to her that this is just how OLD works. She didn't get it, like how the majority of people who have never met someone online work, be it OLD or not. But on the other points people have made: Happiness? Of course. I want to be happy, I want others to be happy, parents want their kids to be happy, etc. There are those who do not want others to be happy but that's another thread. I can tell you I was somewhat looking forward to meeting this guy once he told me he went to the same university (he was two years younger than me, not that we met during the time) for that fact we might have had in common. WHat happened with him is what happened with so many other OLDs in the past. But that's his problem, not mine. I would make a rockin gf to anyone, he wasn't interested enough for whatever reason like most of them are not. Am I asking why it is this particular guy did not call me? I'll never know exactly why other than the fact he wasn't interested enough. But we seem to lean towards others who "look good on paper" towards us. I wonder where this attitude comes from. I have been following your posts (et al.) and I sometimes wonder what a date with you (et al.) would be like. So many people on here 'seem' very attractive to as a partner, but that is based on nothing more than posts and perceived attitudes toward issues, etc. That is completely natural and common. I believe we ALL gravitate towards those we feel we may have in common. Nothing mysterious about that. What is on a profile (or paper) and what you get when you meet in person is typically no congruent. That is, there is much more room to fantasize (not reality) when considering what is on paper than when you meet and you are hit by reality. I've had three recent dates. Lady one was gorgeous and very intelligent. Her profile was rather romantic, but once I met her, wowsa! She had some serious issues with exes and seem TOO up-front about all the things that were going wrong with her life. A lot in common on the profile, but not in real life. Lady two was also gorgeous. Talked about how active and healthy she was. She also turned out be have issues with family and her idea of active was 'really not THAT active.' I suspect I was much more energetic than she wanted. Lady three. Again, a lovely ginger! Her profile seemed to have much in common. Intelligent, open. Sheesh. She spent the first half of the date talking about how crappy her life was, her ex is, and her living situation is. I am into fitness and all three of these ladies in their mid/late 40s were in great shape, but they has DRAMA. All good on paper and I thought, well, this could be something...nope.
minou23 Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 Most guys I’ve dated that look good on paper have been just that! And I find the guys that don’t fit my perfect mold are the ones that know how to treat me. I think my “perfect-on-paper” guy is a shallow concept like most people’s view of a perfect guy and that’s why we get disappointed.
Author mortensorchid Posted October 25, 2017 Author Posted October 25, 2017 I think in most people's cases, we have these attitudes about others based on their appearance, job, background, etc. because we're taught them. In the example I gave with my Mom's reaction (as well as a few other friends I mentioned it to - they said things like "Oh that's great, you must have really hit it off didn't you?"), certainly as one of the OPs said more of less "that explains a lot". Ha ha ha ... But I tell others who have never done it that OLD is like a product that is marketed one way, then you try it out and it's really not all it's supposed to be (tooth whitening strips, being an Uber/Lyft driver, etc.). They don't make your teeth movie star white, the money you earn as a driver is ultimately pocket change, etc. OLD, as I tell others, is a means of communication to be sure, but the person you meet should you meet face to face is far from The ONE (either to you or them). Why? I don't know. There are stories out there about people who do meet The ONE on dating websites. If you were in charge of a dating website's management you would market it with success stories not failures because you want to sell your product. And they do. I have thusfar known 6 couples who met and married thanks to OLD (3 of them are divorced, the 4th I would be VERY SURPRISED if they were still married). I now see OLD as just another product.
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