lust4life Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 Why do people continue to lie and or carry on an if after dday the spouse or spouses involved have said they ended the affair. Why continue to lie and manipulate other people lives by making them live within your lies? If the affair was so important why not just end the marriages, as marriages are ended everyday and then continue seeing that other person?
Author lust4life Posted August 17, 2005 Author Posted August 17, 2005 OW/MM forum. Anyhow, I often wondered why someone would continue to lie, even after the devestation of dday. I realize that all affairs have to have lies or there really wouldn't be an affair, but even after the affair is found out and everyone realizes what can be lost or what is really important, how can an OP or MM then just start right up again? Keep other people living within their lies? It just is so unbelievable to me. I would think that truth would somehow become important and that if the affair were important they would just divorce.
LoveNoLoss Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 64,000 question and I have myself thought about this alot. With so many people going through this crap you would think it would trickle down in society.... where people would do less of it but it actually seems to be getting worse. It's not a simple question and its not a simple answer. I know myself that I would rather be dead then ever go through the pain again... being a BS, WS and OW....
lynnspies1 Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 I am the BS, in my H case he lied to have her on the side. He wanted the marriage, kids, house and dog thing and had it. We had a good relationship, sex life, fun times. With her it was simple, no commitment, the feeling of a new relationship and new sex, she had no expectations of him and treated him like a king. He did not have the , take the trash out , help the kids with homework, clean up dog puke. He said he got 95% of what he needed from me and the 5% he got from her was all fun. How can a wife compete with the 5% goodies (like in the other tread)? We can't, end of story. He would have kept seeing her as long as possible. He lied to both me and her and played the game very well. Hope this helps, Lynn
StillHurtin Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 Originally posted by lynnspies1 I am the BS, in my H case he lied to have her on the side. He wanted the marriage, kids, house and dog thing and had it. We had a good relationship, sex life, fun times. With her it was simple, no commitment, the feeling of a new relationship and new sex, she had no expectations of him and treated him like a king. He did not have the , take the trash out , help the kids with homework, clean up dog puke. He said he got 95% of what he needed from me and the 5% he got from her was all fun. How can a wife compete with the 5% goodies (like in the other tread)? We can't, end of story. He would have kept seeing her as long as possible. He lied to both me and her and played the game very well. Hope this helps, Lynn Lynn, I have to agree w/ you on this. My H's A wasn't found out until after he told me he wanted a D b/c neither one of us were happy. He was having an emotional A w/ the exow b4 it turned physical. There EA started at work. When I kicked him out of our home b/c he wanted a D was when he had more chances to screw around w/ her, and he did. Like you H he like it w/ the exOW b/c there was no commitment, the feelings of a new relationship, new sex but our sex life we had was pretty good. We had a very active sex life and the sex was awesome for both of us so why he went to the OW I have no clue. I guess b/c he was missing something from me that he found w/ the exOW. There was no need to worry about the bills they shared, no need to take the trash out, help w/ the kids, nothing, it was just fun sex. No worries about every day life. I remember when we were dating and had none of those worries. It was fun, there was no children to have to worry about (even though I would take my children over those dating years any day).
Daybyday Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 Originally posted by lust4life Why do people continue to lie and or carry on an if after dday the spouse or spouses involved have said they ended the affair. Why continue to lie and manipulate other people lives by making them live within your lies? If the affair was so important why not just end the marriages, as marriages are ended everyday and then continue seeing that other person? I have not ended my marriage per se because that involves ending a relationship, friendship, partnership that has existed for long...I did file for divorce when I discovered my H's affair...and not too long after I vowed to keep him out of my life forever...I wrote him off and that was when he came back to write himself back in.... Since then I have found that people LIE...people MANIPULATE... and people are not PERFECT....my fear....my concern...is as you questioned why they continue to do it once it has been revealed......I'm feeling lately as the old eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth thing would do some justice....maybe I'm wrong....
Author lust4life Posted August 18, 2005 Author Posted August 18, 2005 I made my husband date me, I got rid of his notions that I was not a great woman any longer,and not just his wife(crap) and the mother of his kids(crap) and started going out! I would leave the house, with a sitter or family member watching the kids and I would GO OUT. Sometimes I would send him an email telling him where I was, sometimes he wouldn't know I would be gone until he got home and he had to track me down either by clues I left or if I was in an area that had cell coverage he could call, I left clues when I knew there would be no coverage. So, he would show up, I may or may not have been talking to other men when he arrived. But I made sure he did not just see me at HOME, especially not every night after work. I will not tlet that happen ever again in my life. Soemtimes I could afford(had the time and the children covered)to do this a few times a month sometimes a few times a week. WE ARE NOW HAVING THE AFFAIR AND THE MARRIAGE. Mothersday weekend he book us a very nice INN room, we had a sitter for the kids and we spent the weekend with NO worries and all the sex and the fun. Fathers day weekend I booked a hotel and had a couple meet us out and all four of us acted like teenagers! I have to say, there is no competing with a wife either. I know for a fact the sex in the affair was not great, I know that he was less than satisfied and faked a orgasm to end more than on sex session, of which there were only 7 to begin with. (He took a Polygraph so I know these facts to be true.) If he could afford the time and money to have an affair he can have the time and money to have one with me. Now, I have that 5% fun! (well, and more than that because we are pretty "selfish" at home too!)
Author lust4life Posted August 18, 2005 Author Posted August 18, 2005 Revenge affair- been there done that, but I too filed for divorce then set out to find out what single life would be like, I jsut found my H in most of my wanderings. SO, my post above, many times I would have gone out to MEET a new guy and become bored and not attracted so would end the date and call my H and say, Hey do you want me to just pick up a stranger or do you want to come here. NOT always was I out on a date with someone else, but it was great to make HIM COMPETE FOR ME AGAIN! WHO are these men that think they can go out and have fun and leave the wife at home to be good! Screw that! They made all the responsibility at home too, so if they need a break aside from what they already get as breaks, we wives(especially sahm's) need a break!! I am schooling all of my children on marriage and commitment in a whole different manner now, and they so benefit from seeing mom and dad in love and childish and happy! I date for about 6 months and then he proved himself worthy by taking a poly and fighting for my attention so I recommited to the marriage...we haven't stopped dating each other since- I highly recommend it.
Daybyday Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 I have tried bits and pieces of what you said and not by design....when the A was discovered I took solace in my friends and went out several times a week...problem is I also took solace in drinking while I was out with them...and when I got my first kiss from another man on one of these outings I realized I too was vunerable to the temptations of others...its just that I had never put myself in that position before... you are also quite accurate in describing a sort of affair between you after dday if you have decided to stay together...problem is it has taken me so long to make this decision...some days...actually most...I'm still not certain that staying in was the "wise" thing to do...my heart loves it...but my mind is so very SCARED that he will do as you stated before and tell me more lies right to my face knowing the pain he has caused me, the kids, and yes the OW because he should have had the strength to say NO to her a million times in my mind....
Author lust4life Posted August 18, 2005 Author Posted August 18, 2005 Are we thread jumping? Okay, when you are so involved with your own spouse there is just no room for him to cheat. There is no room for an outsider. We all know that an affair happened because we thought we were living like we "should" and not exactly like we "wanted". Meaning, I was darn lonely while he was "working" so hard and his hours got longer and I started taking care of more and more around the house and he started letting me. I thought I was being a good wife and mother(which I was) and THOUGHT he was trying to get ahead in life and make his mark(which he was but curved in life somewhere and his mark was turning out more like a dog peeing!) What I really wanted was a relationship that was exciting and fun, we let the SPACE happen and now we will never let that happen again. Anyhow, I asked the question not for myself, but as a general question because I truly just do not get it. I do not understand how a betrayed spouse would stay in a marriage if MAJOR CHANGES weren't apparent and I do not understand why a cheater would continue to lie and not just leave the marriage- it is truly ILL on the cheaters fault, and a little reckless, to say the least, and self inflicting on the part of the betrayed if they don't insist on those major changes. DBD you have to demand his full attention, he has to want to do what it takes and walk the walk. Strangely, the fears change- now my fear is I will let him relax and he won't remember the pain. I think it is an unrealist fear though. And, I feel daily how much he loves me, I truly can not envision it happening again. I do not knwo if I felt that way a year out, as I had just ended the dating...but I do feel it now.
Author lust4life Posted August 18, 2005 Author Posted August 18, 2005 Hey, it took me a year to decide to stay married- so you aren't that "SO LONG to decide"
Daybyday Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 Originally posted by lust4life Are we thread jumping? Okay, when you are so involved with your own spouse there is just no room for him to cheat. There is no room for an outsider. We all know that an affair happened because we thought we were living like we "should" and not exactly like we "wanted". Meaning, I was darn lonely while he was "working" so hard and his hours got longer and I started taking care of more and more around the house and he started letting me. I thought I was being a good wife and mother(which I was) and THOUGHT he was trying to get ahead in life and make his mark(which he was but curved in life somewhere and his mark was turning out more like a dog peeing!) What I really wanted was a relationship that was exciting and fun, we let the SPACE happen and now we will never let that happen again. Anyhow, I asked the question not for myself, but as a general question because I truly just do not get it. I do not understand how a betrayed spouse would stay in a marriage if MAJOR CHANGES weren't apparent and I do not understand why a cheater would continue to lie and not just leave the marriage- it is truly ILL on the cheaters fault, and a little reckless, to say the least, and self inflicting on the part of the betrayed if they don't insist on those major changes. DBD you have to demand his full attention, he has to want to do what it takes and walk the walk. Strangely, the fears change- now my fear is I will let him relax and he won't remember the pain. I think it is an unrealist fear though. And, I feel daily how much he loves me, I truly can not envision it happening again. I do not knwo if I felt that way a year out, as I had just ended the dating...but I do feel it now. Yes lust4life we are thread jumping It amazes me how similar our responses to the A are...I have done so many of the things you said you have done...and basically with the same results...I mean you are again accurate when you compare time spent with your man to time just contemplated being spent with him...I also replied to another post recently on another forum about being a successful woman in a m/f relationship...you see while I was pursuing my goals (very successfully) someone else was making my man feel like a million dollars!
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