jmvargas Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 Hello everyone, My wife and I were together for 9 years married for 4. I'm 40 years old and she is 30 and no kids. In the beginning everything was great. The issues that crept into our marriage were mainly caused by me. My wife is absolutely exceptional and is a great person. I know I took her for granted for many years. I have many issues/traumas that I never dealt with from childhood including depression, social anxiety and PTSD. For many years she asked me go seek counseling. I did but I never truly committed to healing from my mental health problems. I often had trouble following through with things I started like law school and many other things. I'm still pursuing my law degree but its hard when suffering from mental health problems. I know that my reluctance to seek help placed her in a difficult position with her friends and family as I was often absent from events. Sometimes I would seek counseling or go on medication but I would stop if I didn't see progress. I have a problem with patience. I was often depressed and did not want to participate in family events. My mother suffered a severe stroke in 2014 and I fell into an even deeper depression due to that. Our sex life become non-existent. As I realized that our sex life was on life support I suggested that we should have an open marriage or at least experiment with other people to see if that could spark our sex life. We never delineated the details. During a trip she had with her mom she slept with some man she met. I did not find out about this until I had officially moved out after she told me that she didn't think we were right for each other. She tried to explain that she slept with that man in the hopes that it would spark her sex drive and bring us closer. She has always been honest with me. She never had to admit to this affair as things were already over. From what she tells me she believes doing that was a mistake. I have been devastated. Shortly after the separation a friend of mine told me he found her profile on Tinder. I have been so sad that I can't even function to do regular things. I confronted he about it asking why she was so eager to date so soon. She deleted it right away and said she did it as a distraction. We have now been separated for almost three months. We will meet in a few weeks to sign divorce papers. We have been in contact via email and texts. Recently she told me that she has been in therapy because has been having a hard time. For some reason I believed that she was moving on without me without any issues. But I guess she has been sad and depressed too and crying ever day. She tells me that she still loves me but that love is not enough to keep us together. She tells me that the only way we could ever be right for each other is if we did growing separately. When she says that I know she is mainly talking about me. She is very emotionally mature and grew up in family where healthy expression of emotions was encouraged. My family is the total opposite. My family is dysfunctional as they come. Since I left our home I have sough therapy and have been going regularly for months now. I will soon get meds for anxiety and depression. I started doing yoga and meditating. I'm doing all these things for me but I'm obviously still hopeful that she will see these changes and will give our relationship another chance. I have accepted that our marriage is over but I hope to somehow win her back by changing all the things she found unacceptable in me. I know I should have done all that when I was with her but I resisted and took her needs for granted. I really do know she loves me and I love her. Is it possible that she will give me a chance and maybe start dating me at some point in the future? I know its a long shot but I'm willing to win her back. Deep down I know I had to reach rock bottom in order to get my life in order and finally deal with my issues. How can I show her I can be a better man? Has anyone ever accomplished this or am I just dreaming of something that is impossible and unattainable? Please comment, suggest... thank you. PS. this is my first time posting so if I posted in the wrong forum please direct me to the right place. I just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 From what you've said, she does still love you very much, but will only consider resuming a relationship if you get healthy, and she has that right, and I support her. You need to get healthy for YOU, whether she is in your future or not. It would be awesome if she is, but if not, there will be another woman lucky enough to have the healthy you.
Highndry Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 It honestly sounds like she's a great woman who is open to giving you a chance, by what you've said. I think communication is key. All of the things you are doing to better yourself are a great start. Good luck.
Author jmvargas Posted October 24, 2017 Author Posted October 24, 2017 Thank you for your comments. She is definitely a great woman. She was always supportive during my depressive episodes and always encouraged me to pursue my life goals. We all have our limits though and she finally reached hers. Watching me live in pain (by deliberate decision) worn her out to the point where she felt she could no longer be there for me. She has asked that we remain friends and I have accepted after initial reluctance. I can tell from her short texts that she is trying to maintain some distance from me. I believe she is struggling with anger towards me because I'm finally doing all the things she asked me to do. I have decided to be friends with her hoping that our interactions will allow her to see that I can be a healthy life partner. I miss her so much it hurst like nothing else.
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