My boyfriend/fiance proposed a threesome, but I’m not sure I should go there

[snowbird7]

Hi, I’m new here and seeking advice. The background is that I’ve been with my bf for 3 years now. He’s 24, I’m 21. We are engaged and have a one yr old son. We’ve had our ups and downs, but all in all it has been a loving relationship. He treats me better than any guy ever has and I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.

 

The problem is my bf’s best friend. I met him about 6 months ago, and while he isn’t my type at all when it comes to a relationship, I have to admit I find him really physically attractive. Physically the two of us seem to really click. and we will flirt like there’s nothing to it. I don’t think either of us means to, it just comes so naturally that we do it without even being aware of it. Whenever we’re together, it’s like we can’t keep our hands off each other, we will play fight and tickle fight and wrestle around and stuff, and it’s gotten to the point where people are starting to ask me what our relationship really is and am I sure it’s only flirting. Sometimes, when the three of us are out together, we’ve even had people surprised when they find out I’m with my bf. They thought my friend was my bf and that my bf was just my friend!

 

But in spite of all this, his friend and I have talked about it, and we both agree that we’re not interested in each other. We know it’s just physical and doesn’t mean anything. We just enjoy the flirting and do it for fun. But of course my bf is getting sick of it and from his comments I can tell that it’s really starting to bother him. It’s even causing friction between him and his friend.

 

Well, last night seemed to be the final straw for my bf. And it finally made me realize the extent of the problem. The three of us were at a friend’s house and me and his friend were really flirting with each other. This was the first time it seemed like we were really out of control. We were constantly tickling each other and I was jumping on him and even sitting in his lap. I even gave him a back rub and was playing with his hair, and at one point I kept writing things on his thighs with my fingers. And yes, all of this right in front of my bf and his gf! A couple times I noticed his gf or my bf watching us, but I was so into it that it didn’t seem to faze me.

 

At one point the two of us were alone in a guest bedroom. His gf had went home and my bf had left to go pick up our son. I felt like teasing him so I asked him if I he wanted a lap dance, just for fun. He said yes so I took off my clothes and began giving him a lap dance in my bra and panties. At one point he grabbed my hand and put it on his crouch. He said he was really really horny and so he thought we should have sex. He told me he talked to my bf about it and he said it was ok. Then he started kissing me and feeling me out. I was caught off guard so at first I let him. We kissed and cuddled and then he started using some sex toys on me. Then I realized what was happening and I made him stop. I told him I wasn’t drunk enough to do this. He tried to keep going but I made him stop.

 

After awhile he left and my bf came back. I told my bf what happened but instead of being happy that I didn’t have sex with his friend, he got really sad. He was actually crying. He told me that he “knew”, for “100 % sure”, that I was going to have sex with his friend, that it was just a matter of time, and so we should just get it over with and do a threesome. He told me that was the only way he could stay with me, and that if I did something behind his back he would have to leave me. He said for the sake of our son and our relationship we should just go ahead and get it over with.

 

I was mad. I know that I’m not going to have sex with his friend, it’s not like I can’t control myself or something, and I even just proved it by turning his friend down. But apparently he doesn’t believe me and he’s convinced that the only “solution” is to do a threesome.

 

Now I’m not sure what to do. On the one hand, I wouldn’t mind doing it. I mean, I am attracted to his friend and so why not live out a fantasy if that will make my bf happy? But on the other hand, I don’t want to go there because it would be for the wrong reasons. I mean, it’s obvious that my bf doesn’t really want to do it, and he’s only saying he wants to because he thinks I’m gonna cheat on him, which I never would. So I feel that if I do it I’m basically going to be validating his pov, almost like I’d be admitting that I can’t help myself so I might as well go through with it, which is total bs. I love my bf and I know I’m capable of not cheating on him over a little physical attraction with a guy I don’t really even like that much.

 

So what do you think I should do? My bf and I just got done arguing about this, and I feel like I’m being pressured into doing something I’m not sure I really want to do.

[kgcolonel]

Wow...just wow....you're BF knows what you can't admit...you are not in control, you have already cheated on him unless he'd be okay with the lap dance etc being done right in front of him.

 

I do disagree with him that you should have a threesome....unless he's a closet cuckold but that's a different situation.

 

You've stepped so far over the line it's not even funny. What would the friends GF have to say about this?

 

For the sake of your child, grow up and become the mother and GF that your child and BF deserve.

[Cobra_X]

Now I’m not sure what to do. On the one hand, I wouldn’t mind doing it. I mean, I am attracted to his friend and so why not live out a fantasy if that will make my bf happy? But on the other hand, I don’t want to go there because it would be for the wrong reasons. I mean, it’s obvious that my bf doesn’t really want to do it, and he’s only saying he wants to because he thinks I’m gonna cheat on him, which I never would. So I feel that if I do it I’m basically going to be validating his pov, almost like I’d be admitting that I can’t help myself so I might as well go through with it, which is total bs. I love my bf and I know I’m capable of not cheating on him over a little physical attraction with a guy I don’t really even like that much.

So what do you think I should do? My bf and I just got done arguing about this, and I feel like I’m being pressured into doing something I’m not sure I really want to do.

 

You come across as very selfish and immature in this post.

 

Your BF is in a bad situation. You 100% have been cheating on him. Emotionally, physically... ect. You are a cheater and there is really no getting around that point.

 

You have messed up your relationship to the point where it might be toast no matter what you do. IF you do the threesome your BF will KNOW you are a cheater. He doesn't realize it, but he is testing you. If you say yes... the relationship is very likely doomed. If you say no... then you have to go No Contact with the other guy and then work your butt off to fix the damage your cheating has done. At some point your BF will likely grow a pair of balls and dump you anyway.

 

To my opinion you have 2 moves. First is to end your relationship... you screwed the pooch so to speak and it's too much work and you are too immature to fix it. The second is to try and fix the relationship... which will take massive amounts of work and frankly I don't see you being up to it.

 

Those are the two options I suggest. If you choose to do the threesome, do it with the understanding that it will most likely wreck your relationship. Whatever happens though... it's 110% your fault.

[Zahara]

I know that I’m not going to have sex with his friend, it’s not like I can’t control myself or something, and I even just proved it by turning his friend down.

 

Then I realized what was happening and I made him stop. I told him I wasn’t drunk enough to do this. He tried to keep going but I made him stop.

 

Controlling yourself would mean never having gone there in the first place. The only reason why it didn't go there was because you weren't drunk enough -- as you noted.

 

You sound selfish and entitled -- having very little regard for others and a callous attitude in terms of boundaries. Your boyfriend is emotionally needy/weak and dependent. Both of you are dysfunctional.

 

If you want to carry on with the threesome, understand that it will ruin your relationship -- your behavior at this point probably already has caused a huge dent. It's downhill from there.

 

You either stop running rampant with this friend and focus on your child and your boyfriend or leave your boyfriend, allow him to find a healthier relationship/partner.

 

What you are doing is blatant disrespect.

 

Grow up.

Edited October 23, 2017 by Zahara

[BaileyB]

Your behavior is really immature and irresponsible. I'm sorry darling, I think you have a lot of growing up to do before you can call yourself an adult.

 

If you want to mess things up with your boyfriend and father of your child, by all means.... have sex with his best friend.

[lovephule]

Why not a foursome? He also has a GF, no?

[LeGuy16]

At one point the two of us were alone in a guest bedroom. His gf had went home and my bf had left to go pick up our son. I felt like teasing him so I asked him if I he wanted a lap dance, just for fun. He said yes so I took off my clothes and began giving him a lap dance in my bra and panties. At one point he grabbed my hand and put it on his crouch. He said he was really really horny and so he thought we should have sex. He told me he talked to my bf about it and he said it was ok. Then he started kissing me and feeling me out. I was caught off guard so at first I let him. We kissed and cuddled and then he started using some sex toys on me. Then I realized what was happening and I made him stop. I told him I wasn’t drunk enough to do this. He tried to keep going but I made him stop.

 

I could be out of my mind drunk, and still wouldn't flirt with anyone besides my partner. It doesn't matter if you didn't had sex with him, you cheated, period.

 

Don't you have any consideration for your boyfriend? Had it never crossed your mind that what you've done could make him angry or sad? Your boyfriend messed up by acting too passive, but does that make it right for you to cross the line by giving his friend a lap dance?

 

Sorry to tell you this, but this relationship is long gone, it's a matter of time before you or your boyfriend jump ship. Unless your boyfriend is into open relationships, I can't see this lasting too long.

[Zahara]

I love my bf and I know I’m capable of not cheating on him over a little physical attraction with a guy I don’t really even like that much.

 

Unfortunately, this isn't love and yes, you cheated.

[snowbird7]

Thanks for the honest advice. I was thinking the same thing, but wasn't sure. I'm going to tell him there's no way I'm doing anything like that so he might as well just forget about it.

 

I don't think I could go NC with his friend tho. They're best friends so I'm bound to see him on a regular basis. But I am definitely going to try and tone down on the flirting. Hopefully when my bf sees I'm making efforts he'll learn to trust me and understand that I have no intention whatever of cheating on him.

 

And yes, I understand that all of this is absolutely my fault. This is my problem, not my bf's. Any guy would probably be jealous in this type of situation.

 

However, I'm not sure that any guy would propose a threesome. I do think my bf is the one out of line on that one. That is not an appropriate way to solve a relationship issue, imho.

[BaileyB]

But I am definitely going to try and tone down on the flirting.

 

With all due respect, you are going to have to do more than "try" and tone down the flirting... You need to STOP flirting with your boyfriend's best friend.

 

The good news is, this is absolutely within your control.

[Blanco]

Flirting isn't a bodily function. You don't "try to" not flirt. You just... don't flirt.

 

You spin this as being "just for fun." If others are questioning the relationship between you and this friend, and people are surprised to find out you're dating your boyfriend and not this friend, then your conduct around this guy has long ago crossed the line and has not been "just for fun" in a while.

[Mkn1010]

Wow...just wow....you're BF knows what you can't admit...you are not in control, you have already cheated on him unless he'd be okay with the lap dance etc being done right in front of him.

 

I do disagree with him that you should have a threesome....unless he's a closet cuckold but that's a different situation.

 

You've stepped so far over the line it's not even funny. What would the friends GF have to say about this?

 

For the sake of your child, grow up and become the mother and GF that your child and BF deserve.

 

 

AMEN! I find this whole thing disgraceful! Please end things with your bf and spend a LONNNNGGGG time alone to actually learn what a real relationship is! I really feel sorry for your BF!

[Zahara]

I don't think I could go NC with his friend tho. They're best friends so I'm bound to see him on a regular basis. But I am definitely going to try and tone down on the flirting. Hopefully when my bf sees I'm making efforts he'll learn to trust me and understand that I have no intention whatever of cheating on him.

 

Tone down? You need to STOP. Do you have no concept of what boundaries and respect mean in a relationship?

 

However, I'm not sure that any guy would propose a threesome. I do think my bf is the one out of line on that one. That is not an appropriate way to solve a relationship issue, imho.

 

And your attempt at a relationship is to overtly flirt with another man, infront of others, your boyfriend, the girlfriend, and cheat?

 

Your boyfriend is weak minded and suggested a threesome to appease your blatant appetite for another man -- it was his convoluted way of believing you would stay with him if he gave you what you wanted.

[burnt]

SnowBird,

A few questions for you:

 

1) WHY is your boyfriend still with you? I am not trying to be nasty--I think both you and he should ask this question to understand what you see in the other to choose to stay with each other and PLAN on getting married.

 

2) WHY is your boyfriend still hanging out with his friend (the one you have been flirting with)? I cannot think of a single reason why any man with any modicum of self respect would continue to keep this other man as a friend. But then again, I cannot think of a reason why your boyfriend is staying with you either--unless it's because of the child you have together.

 

3) WHY is this man's girlfriend still staying with him? Again, I cannot, for the life of me, understand why she is just ok with her boyfriend's behavior/actions.

 

In all honesty, I found reading your post very, very difficult--it's difficult for me to understand any of it--your actions and your failure to see how outrageously wrong you are in the way you have been acting. But much more than that, I do not understand the behaviors/actions of the other three parties either.

 

It must be then that, perhaps in the way ALL FOUR of you see "relationships" and "respect" must be something foreign to me.

 

The fact that your boyfriend has stayed with you this long and has tolerated your behavior this long says a lot about him. The fact that he actually suggested a threesome as a solution either means he is SO out of his mind with humiliation or grief that he doesn't even know at this point what to think or do. Or it could mean he is probably living with a similar definition of "love" and "relationship" just like you.

 

As another poster suggested "why not go for a foursome?".

As strange as it may sound

and I am NOT being sarcastic, I think you should go for it and suggest that a foursome be tried. I think ALL FOUR of you need to carefully examine what you mean to each other and what relationship means to each other and whether any of you value your partner's feelings or are aware of how your actions could impact on others.

[BaileyB]

Your boyfriend is weak minded and suggested a threesome to appease your blatant appetite for another man -- it was his convoluted way of believing you would stay with him if he gave you what you wanted.

 

Amen to that!

 

He is silly to suggest it, and you would be silly to consider it (assuming that you place any value in the relationship you share with your boyfriend, the father of your child).

[RecentChange]

I am not a gambler, but I would bet good money that this relationship is toast.

 

Do you think it's normal for "friends" to give lap dances and use sex toys on each other - you have already cheated, there are more ways to cheat than a penis is a vagina.

 

Neither of you, you nor his friend have any respect whatsoever for your BF.

 

A threesome will just escalate things. Escalate the cheating, tye hurt feelings, the the mistrust.

 

The problem is you are way too young and got into all of this way too fast.

 

You are a mother now - yet you are stripping and giving lap dances to your BF's friend.

 

The only thing I can come up with to explain this is that you haven't reached 25 when the frontal lobe reaches full development - that or you have never been taught what boundaries and a healthy relationship looks like.

 

Unfortunately I don't think not going through with the threesome will fix anything at all - this relationship has been seriously damaged, and with the mind set of you and your BF, I don't see any fixing it.

[snowbird7]

Thanks to everyone for your honest input. However, I would like to clear up a few things, for the record.

 

I really do love my bf and would never intentionally do anything to hurt him. We have an amazing connection and I love him with all my heart.

 

My flirting with his friend is honestly not something I do on purpose. I just find myself doing it whenever he's around, without even thinking about it. I've talked to his friend about it and he tells me it's the same way for him. It's like we have this sort of natural physical connection with each other, and the flirting seems almost like a natural spontaneous reaction that neither of us can control. Whenever we see each other we seem to just start naturally flirting, just like when two people meet and they naturally just start having a conversation. It just sort of happens without you having to even think about it.

 

But, like I said, I'm going to work on it. I know it's wrong and so I'm going to try and change my behavior, but it's not as simple as some people here seem to be suggesting. It's become like a bad habit and I think we can all agree that it takes time to break a bad habit.

 

1) WHY is your boyfriend still with you? I am not trying to be nasty--I think both you and he should ask this question to understand what you see in the other to choose to stay with each other and PLAN on getting married.

 

2) WHY is your boyfriend still hanging out with his friend (the one you have been flirting with)? I cannot think of a single reason why any man with any modicum of self respect would continue to keep this other man as a friend. But then again, I cannot think of a reason why your boyfriend is staying with you either--unless it's because of the child you have together.

 

3) WHY is this man's girlfriend still staying with him? Again, I cannot, for the life of me, understand why she is just ok with her boyfriend's behavior/actions.

 

1) We are in love, believe it or not.

 

2) I don't know, but they've been friends since childhood.

 

3) Well, I called her a "gf" but I guess she was more like a "date". I think they're through after last night.

 

So I guess a foursome would not be an option at this point. And from reading these responses and thinking it over, I've concluded that a threesome would be a bad idea as well.

 

The problem is my bf isn't letting this go. He's still insisting we go for it.

[Zahara]

I don't believe you understand the concept or value of love. Your definition of love comes wrapped up in a ball of disrespect, selfishness and dishonesty.

 

When you truly love someone you don't behave this way.

 

As for your boyfriend, he's probably insisting because he probably believes you're going to cheat again.

[RecentChange]

I think your BF has given up.... I mean you already stripped for the guy and let him use toys on you...

 

And even if a couple was mature, and kinky, and had great communication and wanted to fulfill a mutual fantasy of a threesome.....

 

"Best friend" is the absolutely worse choice for a partner in this. WAY too much baggage.

 

What do you think would happen after you all had sex? The flirting would stop (AND YES YOU DO HAVE CONTROL OVER THIS, you choose not to. It feels good, you like the attention, you don't respect your BF, neither does the friend, so you flirt, and strip, and engage is sexual behavior with his friend) - the flirting would escalate.

 

You say you have this uncontrollable attraction. What if you moan louder for the friend? What if he rocks your world like your bf never has? What if you find sex with him even more addicting than flirting with him?

 

How do you think your BF would feel then?

 

I stand by my earlier statement. The odds of this relationship withstanding the test of time are 1 in a 100.

 

You have so many strikes against you.

 

Too young

Child before marriage

Living together before marriage

No boundaries

Poor communication

 

Even without the friend doing you with a dildo this relationship was an uphill battle. Now it will need a miracle.

[PogoStick]

I think the OP needs to wait at least 8 years before marrying anyone. Quit crapping out kids, grow the F up, and focus on being a good mom.

 

***

My favorite parts were all the talk about kissing, cuddling, lap dancing, using sex toys while cheating on her boyfriend....

 

and then being mad at the boyfriend "because it's not like she can't control herself."

[Miss Spider]

I don't believe any of this.

 

No sane human is this obtuse.

 

This sounds like cuckhold erotic fiction or something. Please tell me it is

[KBob]

I felt like teasing him so I asked him if I he wanted a lap dance, just for fun. He said yes so I took off my clothes and began giving him a lap dance in my bra and panties. At one point he grabbed my hand and put it on his crouch. He said he was really really horny and so he thought we should have sex. He told me he talked to my bf about it and he said it was ok. Then he started kissing me and feeling me out. I was caught off guard so at first I let him. We kissed and cuddled and then he started using some sex toys on me. Then I realized what was happening and I made him stop. I told him I wasn’t drunk enough to do this. He tried to keep going but I made him stop.

 

I love my bf and I know I’m capable of not cheating on him

 

So....Let me get this straight....You're not capable of cheating because none of the above is cheating? Not feeling him up? Him feeling you up? Giving him a lap dance? Using sex toys on you?

 

You made him stop though, so everything is honky dory. Right. But good thing you weren't drunk enough, because you're only capable of cheating while you're more drunk.

 

You cheated on him. Whatever your definition of cheating is, you will eventually do just that. Forget the threesome. He needs to break up with you, he deserves better.

[jay1983]

You know what, I'mma go against the grain and tell you to go ahead and do it.

 

Relationship is already fu*ked and doom to fail shortly

[darkmoon]

you flirt "without even thinking of it" ... start thinking then, problem solved xx

[Highndry]

Hi, I’m new here and seeking advice. The background is that I’ve been with my bf for 3 years now. He’s 24, I’m 21. We are engaged and have a one yr old son. We’ve had our ups and downs, but all in all it has been a loving relationship. He treats me better than any guy ever has and I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.

 

The problem is my bf’s best friend. I met him about 6 months ago, and while he isn’t my type at all when it comes to a relationship, I have to admit I find him really physically attractive. Physically the two of us seem to really click. and we will flirt like there’s nothing to it. I don’t think either of us means to, it just comes so naturally that we do it without even being aware of it. Whenever we’re together, it’s like we can’t keep our hands off each other, we will play fight and tickle fight and wrestle around and stuff, and it’s gotten to the point where people are starting to ask me what our relationship really is and am I sure it’s only flirting. Sometimes, when the three of us are out together, we’ve even had people surprised when they find out I’m with my bf. They thought my friend was my bf and that my bf was just my friend!

 

But in spite of all this, his friend and I have talked about it, and we both agree that we’re not interested in each other. We know it’s just physical and doesn’t mean anything. We just enjoy the flirting and do it for fun. But of course my bf is getting sick of it and from his comments I can tell that it’s really starting to bother him. It’s even causing friction between him and his friend.

 

Well, last night seemed to be the final straw for my bf. And it finally made me realize the extent of the problem. The three of us were at a friend’s house and me and his friend were really flirting with each other. This was the first time it seemed like we were really out of control. We were constantly tickling each other and I was jumping on him and even sitting in his lap. I even gave him a back rub and was playing with his hair, and at one point I kept writing things on his thighs with my fingers. And yes, all of this right in front of my bf and his gf! A couple times I noticed his gf or my bf watching us, but I was so into it that it didn’t seem to faze me.

 

At one point the two of us were alone in a guest bedroom. His gf had went home and my bf had left to go pick up our son. I felt like teasing him so I asked him if I he wanted a lap dance, just for fun. He said yes so I took off my clothes and began giving him a lap dance in my bra and panties. At one point he grabbed my hand and put it on his crouch. He said he was really really horny and so he thought we should have sex. He told me he talked to my bf about it and he said it was ok. Then he started kissing me and feeling me out. I was caught off guard so at first I let him. We kissed and cuddled and then he started using some sex toys on me. Then I realized what was happening and I made him stop. I told him I wasn’t drunk enough to do this. He tried to keep going but I made him stop.

 

After awhile he left and my bf came back. I told my bf what happened but instead of being happy that I didn’t have sex with his friend, he got really sad. He was actually crying. He told me that he “knew”, for “100 % sure”, that I was going to have sex with his friend, that it was just a matter of time, and so we should just get it over with and do a threesome. He told me that was the only way he could stay with me, and that if I did something behind his back he would have to leave me. He said for the sake of our son and our relationship we should just go ahead and get it over with.

 

I was mad. I know that I’m not going to have sex with his friend, it’s not like I can’t control myself or something, and I even just proved it by turning his friend down. But apparently he doesn’t believe me and he’s convinced that the only “solution” is to do a threesome.

 

Now I’m not sure what to do. On the one hand, I wouldn’t mind doing it. I mean, I am attracted to his friend and so why not live out a fantasy if that will make my bf happy? But on the other hand, I don’t want to go there because it would be for the wrong reasons. I mean, it’s obvious that my bf doesn’t really want to do it, and he’s only saying he wants to because he thinks I’m gonna cheat on him, which I never would. So I feel that if I do it I’m basically going to be validating his pov, almost like I’d be admitting that I can’t help myself so I might as well go through with it, which is total bs. I love my bf and I know I’m capable of not cheating on him over a little physical attraction with a guy I don’t really even like that much.

 

So what do you think I should do? My bf and I just got done arguing about this, and I feel like I’m being pressured into doing something I’m not sure I really want to do.

 

This has to be a troll thread. Seriously? You don't think kissing a guy and then having him shove toys up your hooha is having sex or cheating? Wow, just WOW.