MrWright12 Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 (edited) I've been with my girlfriend who has 2 children (2 different fathers) for a year and a half. I treat these children as if they are my own. If they don't have it's because i don't have it. The 13 year old is the trouble one. He feels he's entitled, he's spoiled, ungrateful, mean, disrespect and more. I told my girlfriend that i don't share details about our problems in our relationship especially to close friends and family. I tend to speak on forums if i need to get out a problem as I'm more likely to never encounter the forum members and neither will she (so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable). I do this because family and friends can be biased and when you have worked out your problems they still remember . My girlfriend talk in depth with her son regarding problems in the relationship. He's 13. When we get into disagreements He tells her he doesn't want me in the house and she told me that. Of course i didn't listen but i find it a problem that he feels that he can say that and she relays that to me. Especially when i pay the majority of the homes overhead cost. She has a great friendship with the 13 year old father even though he doesn't provide for the kid because he spends his money on drugs. I never had a problem with him and he was always welcomed. I did complain to her about him just opening up our home door and coming inside and bringing who he wanted to in the house unannounced like he resides here. Funny because i was the bad guy for speaking out on this and that i didn't approve of it. His dad lives close by and can give two crap if the kid eat, breathe, sleep or not. The son walks around the house not talking to me like i don't exist which is fine because at this point i can careless. In fact, I'm enjoying not having small talk with him. At this point i can care less if he eats or not and have things. He has two parents that's suppose to be responisble for him in that aspect. I feel no need to do for an ungrateful kid especially that's not mines. I've been open arms with him since day one but to be disrespected and don't expect anything from me. I place some of the blame on the mother (my gf) for this. She allowed the child to be disrespectful, she allowed him in our business and cause the strain between her son and myself. She argued with me in front of him when i asked not to do it infront of him. when she's upset She talks to be in anyway in front of him. Am i wrong for feeling this way? Why provided for a disrespectful person? He's not my child. Edited October 23, 2017 by MrWright12
kendahke Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 (edited) You're in a sticky situation. She's turned her 13 year old son into her "man", and because she's such good friends with him, that means she's not his parent--therefore he's stomping around the house as if he's the head of it and she's going to let him because that's her son and most likely on some level she feels guilty that things with his father didn't work out. So, here's the thing I would do: 1. stop spending time and money on that house. Let her figure out how to live within her means without your salary. 2. I wouldnt' challenge that kid--I'd just keep my distance from them and I would begin starving off the relationship til it withers and dies. 3. I'd find a woman who either doesn't have kids or knows how the role of parent works and knows how to keep her kids in their place. Edited October 23, 2017 by kendahke 4
kendahke Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 Something else: Especially when i pay the majority of the homes overhead cost. She has a great friendship with the 13 year old father even though he doesn't provide for the kid because he spends his money on drugs. I never had a problem with him and he was always welcomed. I did complain to her about him just opening up our home door and coming inside and bringing who he wanted to in the house unannounced like he resides here. Funny because i was the bad guy for speaking out on this and that i didn't approve of it. Whose house is this? Is your name on the mortgage or do you have your own home? If this is her home and your name isn't on anything, then guess who's going to come in like they own it because their kid lives there? 2
basil67 Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 (edited) Well this is a very uncomfortable situation for all of you, isn't it. I've got a few comments and questions before I rush in with my answer. The 13 year old is the trouble one. He feels he's entitled, he's spoiled, ungrateful, mean, disrespect and more. Sadly, not uncommon for 13yo kids period. Honestly early teens can be as revolting as the terrible twos. Pushing boundaries is really quite normal. This is where enforcing of boundaries by parents is important. That said, even some of the very best parents I've known have ongoing struggles with awful teens. Thankfully, the far majority of teens grow out of it. My girlfriend talk in depth with her son regarding problems in the relationship. He's 13. When we get into disagreements He tells her he doesn't want me in the house and she told me that. Of course i didn't listen but i find it a problem that he feels that he can say that and she relays that to me. Especially when i pay the majority of the homes overhead cost. Of course he says this. His mother is hurt and angry and this is a very logical response from someone of his age when his mother unloads on him. It's not like he can give her the kind of sensible advice that an adult can give. He doesn't care that you pay for stuff. He cares that his mother is upset. She has a great friendship with the 13 year old father even though he doesn't provide for the kid because he spends his money on drugs. I never had a problem with him and he was always welcomed. I did complain to her about him just opening up our home door and coming inside and bringing who he wanted to in the house unannounced like he resides here. Funny because i was the bad guy for speaking out on this and that i didn't approve of it. Who made you the 'bad guy' in this scenario? Your girlfriend or her son? And if it was the son, how did he find out about the conversation. The son walks around the house not talking to me like i don't exist which is fine because at this point i can careless. In fact, I'm enjoying not having small talk with him. At this point i can care less if he eats or not and have things. He has two parents that's suppose to be responisble for him in that aspect. I feel no need to do for an ungrateful kid especially that's not mines. I've been open arms with him since day one but to be disrespected and don't expect anything from me. Again, being monosylabic is pretty normal teenage behaviour. Unpleasant, but far from uncommon. I've seen it with my nephews. They've grown out of it to become delightful young men. Why do you expect him to be grateful to you? Especially when his mother involves him in all the drama between you and her.... I place some of the blame on the mother (my gf) for this. She allowed the child to be disrespectful, she allowed him in our business and cause the strain between her son and myself. She argued with me in front of him when i asked not to do it infront of him. when she's upset She talks to be in anyway in front of him. Am i wrong for feeling this way? Why provided for a disrespectful person? He's not my child. Your frustration is understandable. Monosylabic teens are a PIA. And even the most lovely teens can be ungrateful wretches at times. However, I'm not seeing where he's disrespecting you. Him telling his mother (after she involves him in an argument) that he wants you gone is completely understandable in the context. The two problems that I see are that a) your girlfriend involves the son in the problems within the relationship and b) you seem to not understand that at 13, he is still very much in the awful teenager stage which is so common to many. Edited October 23, 2017 by basil67
smackie9 Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 He's just being a 13 year old kid, testing his boundaries. He doesn't have to like you, and you don't have to like him. I suggest you just stay out of each other's way. he will eventually grow out of it. He's just a rebellious teen. I'm sure she has talked to him plenty of times to smarten up, but what teen ever listened? You can be the best parent ever....that may not make a difference. I remember when my sister in law turned 12. It was like a switch went off, lipping off her dad, moody, pushing her curfew. My father in law came to us and wanted to know what was going on with her. I just laughed. I told him "She's a teenager full of raging hormones for crying out loud!" "Just let her be, it will taper down later when she wants to start driving." lol And sure enough that's what happened.
JEG88 Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 I don't see the 13-year-old as a big issue. As others have said, rebellious teen stage is all. The troubling aspect is the kid's father who is still in the picture and has a key to the house. If I was the OP, I would have zero tolerance for that. Especially with how he's supporting the household and the other father's drug problems. If she can't respect your boundaries about the kid's father staying out of your lives, then I suggest you get out of that relationship. 1
phineas Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Would probably not live with a woman who has two kids from two different fathers especially when one is a druggy who doesn't pay child support. But, I have two children of my own and i'm VERY careful when it comes to bringing people into their lives.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 OP, I was in a similar situation minus an ex having access to the house... 1. This child is not only going through 'typical' teen age behavior. I have one and have known many who are not rebellious or jerks. This kid is challenging you b/c his mother permits it, his 'father' doesn't care and b/c he is pissed off at the world. Do not tolerate it. His behavior undermines your relationship and the dynamics of that 'home.' Talk to your gf and get him on the straight and narrow, but also do what you can to develop a relationship that is more positive. It may take time or never materialize, but it's a start. In these situations, if the mother enables him, there is NOTHING you can do. 2. There is no way you should tolerate having her druggy ex in the house or anywhere near you and what semblance of stability you may have. NO DRUGS and NO ONE involved in them should be concretely clear 3. I have serious doubts about your gf. For her to allow her dead-beat ex to be around her kids knowing that is engaged in drugs is ABSOLUTELY irresponsible and speaks volumes to her lack of boundaries (and his) 4. Your gf's actions puts you and everyone in that home in danger....period. 5. You are not responsible for your gf's kids. As much as you would like to be, SHE is the one that must make the responsible decisions to help make that home safe, stable. I personally would not (and did not) tolerate it and leave her to her own devices. 1
joseb Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Do you live with her?? I couldn't tell. If you really really love this woman, then maybe it can work. But honestly, if I were you I'd cut my losses now. I was in a similar situation. Kid same age, same attitude. More of a 'bud' to his mum than a kid. Eventually I just couldn't handle the stress anymore. I got out. I can't believe how much better I feel about everything these days. 4
coolheadal Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 OP this how it was with MS S let me call her that. She had 5 year old that ran the house. I was suppose to be the babysitter as well as the boyfriend to the mother. Still at times I felt like the 5 year was in competition with her mom and me. Wasn't right and told the her she needed to manage her child. This child was mean and unruly. She use to lock me out of the garage I couldn't get in the house. I paid the bills and yes did everything. There wasn't any father coming around. So what I am saying is you have a woman who listens to her 13 year old son so whatever he wants you have to listen. She is no mother figure. The dad of the kid shouldn't be allowed in the house and should take the son out for play time. I see that's not happening. You need to stop paying her bills and get out of her life. Don't fall trap in her web, because that little boy means more than you do to her. You are the bill payer and lover for her. Can you have sex any time or is it a set time. See my friend we men without kids shouldn't be involved with women like your girl friend. It will never go down the way you wan it to be. Never put yourself in another mans shoes. Your screwed I was too with MS S. Who has contacted on Monday, shes broken up with boyfriend no. #14 I was boyfriend no. #13. Anyway I like to see what she's trying to do sneak back into me or what? You need to get out of this now and don't look back OP, it will never go in your favor you have no say in her child life nor the kids dad. Your on the deed or the mort either I wasn't..
act00 Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 I see a couple issues going on here. One, the kid is 13. That's a tough age. They are moody, too big for their britches, not a child and not an adult, and hormones are raging. We have a mother that treats him as a partner and a best friend instead of as a mother. His father isn't a father. It's okay to say you had a fight. You don't go into details. The fight is obvious. I'm not clear if you actually live in this household. Why are you covering the bills if you're not? I have a problem with you suddenly taking this approach that this kid can go screw himself. YOU took on the role of father...be a father. This is a KID. YOU are the grownup. This isn't some annoying little thing that's going to go away like a three-day guest. This is a permanent fixture. Don't want the role, don't date women with children, move in, agree to raise them, etc. Without support of the mother, there may not be a whole lot you can do and an uphill battle. You and mom need to be on the same page most of the time. I wonder if you and your girlfriend could use some couple's counseling to help with some of these boundary issues between her and her child and you as a family unit, the ex. The issue with the ex is less than ideal as well. I would have been out the door before embarking on the family way if there was zero boundary with the ex and he could just come and go, hang, whatever. Just no. I question this woman's ability to maintain any healthy boundaries.
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 I would have run when I heard 2 kids with 2 different fathers. 2
kendahke Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 2. There is no way you should tolerate having her druggy ex in the house or anywhere near you and what semblance of stability you may have. NO DRUGS and NO ONE involved in them should be concretely clear OP has vanished without answering whether this house is his or if it's hers and he's pumping his money into it and as well as his own. If this is her home, then druggy daddy ex can come in as much as he wants if she's fine with it.
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