barbalien Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 (edited) My partner and I have been together for nearly 7 years. We have two young kids and a house (which her father bought for her/us). Recently she told me she was attracted to women and wants to explore this attraction physically and emotionally. As we delved into this further it became clear that she was very dissatisfied with our relationship and had many issues with me. She said she came to the realisation that I had treated her poorly and that has driven her towards this female attraction. She is passionate about women's rights and has had bad experiences with men previously. I believe she perceives a relationship with women to be a safer proposition. It does sound like the issues are more how she has felt treated than this potential gay or bi transition. Her issues are fair - I have been selfish, angry, controlling, judgemental, and I have taken her for granted. I have been dealing with grief after my younger brother committed suicide and we've also had the stress during that time of having two young children (now 4 and 2). My work has also been stressful and I've been feeling extremely unfulfilled. She's worn a lot of negativity from me and has had enough it seems. She sounds like she wants to end our relationship but we are still going to relationship counselling at the moment. I'm devastated and ashamed of myself for being so horrible to her. I love her dearly and the thought of losing her and my family makes me feel physically sick. I am getting help and support but I'm still really struggling to cope. She doesn't want to communicate with me outside of counselling and the basics (I've moved out to my parents house because she wants space). I am determined to address my behavioural issues because I desperately want to keep our relationship alive. I cling to any sliver of hope like a life raft but there doesn't seem to be much to hold on to. I don't really understand what to do. Edited October 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
PegNosePete Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 Sorry for your situation. It must be terribly upsetting. But I think you need some home truths. In my opinion your relationship is totally dead. Presumably she is getting some benefit from not ending the relationship officially. Usually the reason is financial or keeping you as her backup option while she explores others. She is stringing you along with this counselling thing, putting in her 1 hour a week lip service, but she has no intention of committing to fixing the relationship long term. And now you have moved out, so she has free reign of the house, to do as she pleases, with whomever she pleases, and you'll never know. If I were you I would see a lawyer ASAP. You mention "partner" not "wife" but a lawyer can still be very useful for non-married breakups where kids and property are concerned. You mention the property was bought by her father but whose name is it in? It could get very messy here. A lawyer can give you a lot of good advice, and the initial consultation is free, so you really do have nothing to lose. Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you're giving up on the relationship - it just means you're finding out where you stand. It is great that you want to fix your behavioural issues, but I don't think that will save this relationship. It will benefit you greatly in your next one though, so keep at it.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 Sorry you are here . Is your partner getting any individual counseling to deal with her own sexual identity issues? All you can do is keep doing your best and showing her the changes you've made. And try to have patience.
Highndry Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 Sorry for your situation. It must be terribly upsetting. But I think you need some home truths. In my opinion your relationship is totally dead. Presumably she is getting some benefit from not ending the relationship officially. Usually the reason is financial or keeping you as her backup option while she explores others. She is stringing you along with this counselling thing, putting in her 1 hour a week lip service, but she has no intention of committing to fixing the relationship long term. And now you have moved out, so she has free reign of the house, to do as she pleases, with whomever she pleases, and you'll never know. If I were you I would see a lawyer ASAP. You mention "partner" not "wife" but a lawyer can still be very useful for non-married breakups where kids and property are concerned. You mention the property was bought by her father but whose name is it in? It could get very messy here. A lawyer can give you a lot of good advice, and the initial consultation is free, so you really do have nothing to lose. Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you're giving up on the relationship - it just means you're finding out where you stand. It is great that you want to fix your behavioural issues, but I don't think that will save this relationship. It will benefit you greatly in your next one though, so keep at it. Mostly good advice except for one part: The lawyer. It is my opinion that one should be avoided at all costs, unless an amicable financial agreement cannot be reached between you two. There is no more foolish waste of money than the kind that is spent on attorneys as two people play an emotional game of "I'm going to win at any cost" through these money-sucking leaches. The attorneys, of course, eat it up.
Author barbalien Posted October 23, 2017 Author Posted October 23, 2017 Sorry for your situation. It must be terribly upsetting. But I think you need some home truths. In my opinion your relationship is totally dead. Presumably she is getting some benefit from not ending the relationship officially. Usually the reason is financial or keeping you as her backup option while she explores others. She is stringing you along with this counselling thing, putting in her 1 hour a week lip service, but she has no intention of committing to fixing the relationship long term. And now you have moved out, so she has free reign of the house, to do as she pleases, with whomever she pleases, and you'll never know. If I were you I would see a lawyer ASAP. You mention "partner" not "wife" but a lawyer can still be very useful for non-married breakups where kids and property are concerned. You mention the property was bought by her father but whose name is it in? It could get very messy here. A lawyer can give you a lot of good advice, and the initial consultation is free, so you really do have nothing to lose. Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you're giving up on the relationship - it just means you're finding out where you stand. It is great that you want to fix your behavioural issues, but I don't think that will save this relationship. It will benefit you greatly in your next one though, so keep at it. I'm not ready to give up on our relationship yet, especially not with two kids.
Author barbalien Posted October 23, 2017 Author Posted October 23, 2017 Sorry you are here . Is your partner getting any individual counseling to deal with her own sexual identity issues? All you can do is keep doing your best and showing her the changes you've made. And try to have patience. Yes I believe she is, or she was, I'm not sure if she still is.
gpete3008 Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 I am very sorry you are going through this. I can feel the hurt in your words. In addition to the help you are getting, have you considered talking to a pastor? He or she may be able to provide you with some spiritual guidance as you endure this tough time.
PegNosePete Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 (edited) I'm not ready to give up on our relationship yet, especially not with two kids. You might not be ready, but you're not going to have an option soon. Your wife is making it crystal clear that she doesn't want to reconcile. It would be in your interests to be more pro-active here rather than letting her sit in the driving seat. If you're not giving up then what are you doing to get your marriage back? 1 counselling session a week doesn't seem to be working. So what next? There is no more foolish waste of money than the kind that is spent on attorneys as two people play an emotional game of "I'm going to win at any cost" You are absolutely correct there! However most lawyers do a free initial consultation and there is absolutely no reason not to see one, or several, for free. Seeing a professional to get advice about your rights and situation does not mean you will be retaining them or wasting any money or playing any emotional games. It's just finding out how the law works and how it would be applied to your individual circumstances... which many people find out to their detriment all too late! If you know the law you can avoid costly mistakes. I'm not advising the OP to "lawyer up", I am simply advising him to get some legal advice about his situation, before it is too late. Edited October 24, 2017 by PegNosePete
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