jennyanydot Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 (edited) Have been dating my bf (an introvert) for 6 months. He is affectionate and attentive in person, but doesn’t like to initiate things. I’ve met a few of his coworkers once and then never met anyone in his life. He never invites me to his place and after I insisted a few times I finally got to see his apartment. He said he just needs time to clean it and it was indeed a little messy. I don’t think he has anything to hide, but I just don’t get why he seems so reluctant to take the initiative to open up his life to me. He only had one relationship before me which did not end well. At one point I thought he’s still hung up on his ex but he reassured me that he isn’t and definitely doesn’t want to get back with her. Maybe it’s his lack of experience in relationships, maybe it’s the fact that his past relationship did not end well and did a lot damage to his other relationships (his ex forbade him to contact his best friend), he seems so reluctant to include me to his life. When we are together he is so sweet and attentive, but when we are apart I feel so disconnected because of his lack of initiative. I can’t help but doubt his feelings for me, and start to grow insecure. I got really anxious when we are apart, and start to seek evidence that he cares about me. I know this is unhealthy and I don’t like my current state of mind. Should I take a step back, focus on myself more and give him some space to sort things out? Or, would he ever sort things out on his own? Edited October 23, 2017 by jennyanydot
Space Ritual Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 Couple of questions. What are your ages? Distance between your home and his? Your BF. How long ago did his relationship end? Did his ex forbid him to contact just the best friend or anyone else. Just a thought here, as I am somewhat of an introvert and became one as a result of a terrible ending to a horribly flawed engagement. Sounds to me like he may afraid of committing. Maybe brought on by a really bad ending and having his heart broken? Maybe he initiated too often in his last relationship and then and may have been rebuffed at the end? Or been emasculated by the forced cutting off of his friend? I think it is admirable that you want to seek a solution or some advice. Many in your position would just bail. I do NOT think he is cheating, but I do think his lack of initiation has roots in how he may have been manipulated by his ex, (re: the friend)? Could be he needs to still hold you at arms length and maybe feel he has to have an identity of his own?(again I look at manipulation by the ex. We men have tremendously fragile egos. Much more fragile than we ever will admit to). I'd be direct with him and sit him down and ask him exactly where he sees the relationship going. I could be way off base about all of it. But you ever know.
Author jennyanydot Posted October 23, 2017 Author Posted October 23, 2017 (edited) Couple of questions. What are your ages? Distance between your home and his? Your BF. How long ago did his relationship end? Did his ex forbid him to contact just the best friend or anyone else. Just a thought here, as I am somewhat of an introvert and became one as a result of a terrible ending to a horribly flawed engagement. Sounds to me like he may afraid of committing. Maybe brought on by a really bad ending and having his heart broken? Maybe he initiated too often in his last relationship and then and may have been rebuffed at the end? Or been emasculated by the forced cutting off of his friend? I think it is admirable that you want to seek a solution or some advice. Many in your position would just bail. I do NOT think he is cheating, but I do think his lack of initiation has roots in how he may have been manipulated by his ex, (re: the friend)? Could be he needs to still hold you at arms length and maybe feel he has to have an identity of his own?(again I look at manipulation by the ex. We men have tremendously fragile egos. Much more fragile than we ever will admit to). I'd be direct with him and sit him down and ask him exactly where he sees the relationship going. I could be way off base about all of it. But you ever know. Thank you for your reply, Space Ritual. To answer your questions, we are both in our early 30s. Our homes are about 30 min drive apart, but on weekdays the traffic gets crazy and it could be 40-50 min, so so far we only see each other on weekends. He and his ex broke up about a year ago. This is their second breakup; they got back to give it another try after the first, and the relationship lasted only a couple months before the second breakup. He told me his ex forbade him to contact his best friend, and I also learned she did not get along with his cousin either .. he asked me once if its ok that he goes out with his cousin (female) and i said of course... I think you are right on spot that he may be afraid of committing.. by this I mean emotionally commit. We did have a talk at the beginning of the relationship what he is looking for, and he said he wants a serious relationship that leads to marriage. But, when it comes to emotionally commit to a person, he seems to have a lot of doubts. He didn't initiate much in his last relationship either, but he did introduce his ex to his friends and family. Your point that he may want to keep me at arm length to keep his identity does explain his behavior well, which is something I never thought of. His ex would go through his phone to check if he talked to his best friend on facebook ... to a point he was afraid of replying to his comments under his post. So manipulative, I guess it is. I do care about him a lot and hope it would work out. But I feel exhausted at this point Edited October 23, 2017 by jennyanydot
Els Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 If you "feel exhausted" in a relationship only 6 months in... I honestly think it's best to cut your losses and leave. I hate to say this, but the simplest and most probable reason for the whole problem is that he just isn't that into you. This may not be because of YOU or anything you did - it may indeed be because of unresolved issues on his end, him not being ready for a relationship, etc etc... but the end result is the same. He just isn't that interested in a relationship. 6 months is supposed to be the honeymoon phase! The time when it's all lovey dovey and he can't wait to spend time with you. If he's not initiating time together NOW, how do you imagine it'll be later down the line? Him being an introvert isn't an answer, either. I am one, as is my SO. Introversion only comes into play when you're talking about attending large social gatherings or hanging out with acquaintances. It doesn't affect how much time we want to spend with a close loved one (each other), and in fact we always spent more time together than most extroverts did (simply because we usually have a relatively quiet social calendar). 2
Author jennyanydot Posted October 23, 2017 Author Posted October 23, 2017 If you "feel exhausted" in a relationship only 6 months in... I honestly think it's best to cut your losses and leave. I hate to say this, but the simplest and most probable reason for the whole problem is that he just isn't that into you. This may not be because of YOU or anything you did - it may indeed be because of unresolved issues on his end, him not being ready for a relationship, etc etc... but the end result is the same. He just isn't that interested in a relationship. 6 months is supposed to be the honeymoon phase! The time when it's all lovey dovey and he can't wait to spend time with you. If he's not initiating time together NOW, how do you imagine it'll be later down the line? Him being an introvert isn't an answer, either. I am one, as is my SO. Introversion only comes into play when you're talking about attending large social gatherings or hanging out with acquaintances. It doesn't affect how much time we want to spend with a close loved one (each other), and in fact we always spent more time together than most extroverts did (simply because we usually have a relatively quiet social calendar). Thank you, Elswyth. I wasn't clear when I said he doesn't initiate. He does initiate time for the two of us to hang out, and we do spend a lot of time together, usually from Friday night to Sunday evening. He does seem to enjoy the time with me. What bothers me is he doesn't initiate things that move the relationship forward, like meeting friends, or opening up his life to me. You could be right that he is not ready for a new relationship yet, not a very close one, at least. It's good to learn that you and your SO are both introverts and get along well. I am kind of an introvert myself and at one point I was really worried that two introverts wouldn't be compatible.
fred123 Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 Just want to add my opinion. Based on my last gf of course. There is a possibility he just aint into you. When he meets a girl he is into he will invite her to meet friends and family etc and initiate. My last relationship was like yours. She said she was hurt from before etc and couldnt commit. She met someone a month later and did all the things she said she didnt or couldnt do. She invited him to weddings and friends birthdays. I was not invited to one! That hurt a lot. I felt i as kept at arms length. Well guess she wasnt that into me hey!
Cobra_X Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 T He didn't initiate much in his last relationship either, but he did introduce his ex to his friends and family. Your point that he may want to keep me at arm length to keep his identity does explain his behavior well, which is something I never thought of. His ex would go through his phone to check if he talked to his best friend on facebook ... to a point he was afraid of replying to his comments under his post. So manipulative, I guess it is. I do care about him a lot and hope it would work out. But I feel exhausted at this point His past experience tells him that his friend group/family and GF will likely be in conflict. It could take a year or two of dating before he feels you are safe. Look, everybody has baggage from past relationships. You have baggage, he has baggage. Is this really that big of a deal at this stage? 1
Els Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 Thank you, Elswyth. I wasn't clear when I said he doesn't initiate. He does initiate time for the two of us to hang out, and we do spend a lot of time together, usually from Friday night to Sunday evening. He does seem to enjoy the time with me. What bothers me is he doesn't initiate things that move the relationship forward, like meeting friends, or opening up his life to me. You could be right that he is not ready for a new relationship yet, not a very close one, at least. Oh! So he does initiate dates and contact otherwise? I dunno, I'm on the fence then. I think some people just prefer to move slower and some people prefer to move faster - and neither is right or wrong. Personally I would not introduce a man whom I've only been dating for 6 months to my family if I could help it! But there does need to be compatibility in this area too, so if moving quicker in this regard is essential for you, it may be best for you to reconsider this relationship. But if he does initiate time with you, I wouldn't necessarily take this to mean anything other than a personal preference. 1
Gaeta Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 He was only 6 months out of this relationship when you met him. On top of that it was an 'on and off' relationship which means he loved her very much to be willing to give it a second chance. It's not because a relationship ends that the feelings die automatically. To me your guy sounds like he's not over his ex. Sure she gave him a hard time but often those are the relationship we invested a lot in. He doesn't want to introduce you yet because he's unsure of you. As for not inviting you to his place after 6 months that would not fly with me. I have ignored that red flag once and never again, the guy ended up living with his ex, not-so-ex after all.
smackie9 Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 His reluctance to let you into his life and into his place means he isn't emotionally ready. I know that when people are happy and excited about a new relationship their behavior is much different. He would have made effort to impress you, and want to be in contact with you all the time, etc. He is emotionally unavailable. You are not making a difference in his life, so you are wasting your time with him. You need to back OUT.
Author jennyanydot Posted October 23, 2017 Author Posted October 23, 2017 (edited) Thanks all for the inputs. What you have discussed here basically confirms what I have been thinking. Emotionally unavailable/ unable to commit it is. As for not inviting me to his place, I don't think he's cheating as we spend all the weekends together, but the emotional unavailability does bother me a lot. Kind of hurts as well. Never had a relationship before where I feel being hidden. I think I am gonna withdraw from him a bit and give him more space and time. If he steps up and comes after me, I'll know he cares about me. If not, so be it. Either way I'll know. Edited October 23, 2017 by jennyanydot
Cobra_X Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 I think I am gonna withdraw from him a bit and give him more space and time. If he steps up and comes after me, I'll know he cares about me. If not, so be it. Either way I'll know. Just make sure you communicate WHY you are pulling back. You don't want to give him the wrong message.
Miss Spider Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 Why would a guy not invite over after 6 months together? He might being living in a pig sty
smackie9 Posted October 23, 2017 Posted October 23, 2017 After 3 weeks I would have dumped him. You are cutting this guy way too much slack.
Author jennyanydot Posted October 23, 2017 Author Posted October 23, 2017 Just make sure you communicate WHY you are pulling back. You don't want to give him the wrong message. Thank you Cobra that is very thoughtful of you to mention. I will certainly do that when necessary. I do not think his behavior is personal so I don't want to send the wrong message and leave him wonder. He did try to be very affectionate in person and do almost whatever I wanted him to do in the past 6 months. He also talks about places we could go in the future so I think he does care to some extend. I just have to withhold my feelings before he develops the same level of feelings for me, if that ever happens.
Author jennyanydot Posted October 23, 2017 Author Posted October 23, 2017 After 3 weeks I would have dumped him. You are cutting this guy way too much slack. This is kind of what I've been thinking for a while too. Sigh. I think I have done my part, or even overdone it. If he doesn't step up then it is what it is....
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