Lovehel Posted October 20, 2017 Posted October 20, 2017 We broke up back in February because he told me over the phone while he was in Italy that he was moving there for good in the next academic year. I was devastated, and knowing he told me this over a phone just added to my devastation. I never felt so lonely and betrayed in my whole life. Anyway he ends up coming back and I ignore him, and give him a hard time through text, saying to leave me alone etc...I was hurt. He ended up telling me he was done with my drama. Anyway he only lived a 20 minute walk away, and just knowing that gave me some weird sense of comfort, knowing the person I loved was not physically not so far away. I never decided to go see him because he got a girlfriend soon after me, and when I did contact him a few months later, he told me to respect that and leave him alone. He also said mean things such as I look desperate etc by contacting him...maybe I did, but I missed him terribly. There was always this part of me that hoped he would realize he loved me and would try to see me again, he never did. I would be out and see the same brand car as his and color, and look closely at the reg to see if it was him, I just craved to see him so much. It never was his car. Many people have the same car he did, everytime I see it, which is usually a daily thing, I think of him, which can get frustrating. It is like a torturous reminder of the person I loved who doesn't care about me. I sometimes wonder did I do the right thing by giving him a hard time when he was back, should I have met him. I always wonder what if. I have become so emotionally closed off because I miss him so much even to this day. Knowing he is gone to Italy and I most likely will never see him again, leaves a massive sad empty feeling in me, now the hope of seeing him or bumping into him is gone, the hope of him realizing what he lost is gone, all my hope is gone. Everytime I am on a date, or talking to someone, I wish it was him I was talking to. Ever since we broke up in February, I have been merely existing, just making sure to eat, trying to enjoy food, going for walks, forcing myself to socialize, trying to keep myself present, but in the back of my mind all I want is to be close to him. It feels surreal, that we are not together. The worst part is that he never once contacted me, got a new girlfriend (replaced me) seems satisfied with that, and his life. I feel like a shell of a person. I contacted him twice during the 8 months, when I couldn't bear the thought of not feeling his presence someway, he was mean, especially last time a few weeks ago, he told me he was thankful it ended, that are we free etc...acting like it was this great thing. He goes lets be honest, we needed each other, we had few people in our lives, it ended up just being sex. In his mind he has made what we had out to be nothing other than convenience for years. I truly loved him, and went through so much for him, I never let anyone so close to me in my life, he knew everything about me, he knew me better than anyone. I feel so numb inside, and have ever since the breakup that I don't know whether I regret not trying to see him while I had the chance, or what. Anyway because he so far away, and I feel I will never see him again or bump into him, should I be honest with him? To tell him. All these months I have missed you terribly, I love you very much. But I know we can't be together so I learnt to accept it for what it is. The pain I have endured has been excruciating. I hope you learn to remember the simple beautiful moments we had, not on any negative ones. I don't think he deserves it though, and knowing him it will be flung back in my face, be called names to make me feel stupid or maybe be ignored, who knows. Is it worth it?
Recommended Posts