Recently broke up with SO, think he may have ROCD, should I tell him?

[shastaa]

I think my ex has rOCD but he doesn’t know about it. I just luckily stumbled upon on a forum that tackles the symptoms and everything said on the link attached fits well and solved the puzzle. We just broke up recently, no real problems but his doubts and what if’s about the relationship triggered him to break it off and see if he can develop feelings for someone else. He’s constantly freaked out, confused and rambling. Should I tell him about this? We are on NC now, it was a long term relationship but LDR for over a year.

 

 

Common obsessions in ROCD include thoughts such as:

 

• “What if I don’t really love my partner?”
  
• “What if he/she is not ‘the one’?”
  
• “What if I’m not really attracted to him/her?”
  
• “If I don’t think about my partner all day long, do I really love him/her?”
  
• “If I didn’t “completely” enjoy that one kiss, does that mean I’m not really attracted to my partner?”
  
• “I noticed another attractive guy/girl…that must mean I’m in the wrong relationship!”
  
• “I enjoyed having alone time today while my partner was visiting their relatives. This must mean I’m not truly in love with my partner.”
  
• “There are times when I feel turned off by the thought of intimacy or sex with my partner. This must be proof that I’m not sexually attracted to them and therefore in the wrong relationship.”
  
• “I can imagine cheating on my partner, therefore I must secretly want to be with someone else.”
  
• Fixation on flaws or negative aspects of a partner’s appearance or character.
  
• Fixation on compatibility and/or long-term viability of the relationship.
  
• Obsessive concern about harming one’s partner emotionally by staying in a relationship if you may not truly love them.
  

 

As with all obsessions, these thoughts are intrusive and highly distressing. And in the case of ROCD, these obsessions can, and often do, lead to the loss of an otherwise great relationship with a loving partner. Obsessions can be especially intense when the OCD sufferer is in close proximity to their partner, and/or if issues of long-term commitment arise, such as relationship exclusivity, meeting the family, living together, or possible marriage.

 

Our clients frequently ask what the difference is between an OCD thought and a genuinely incompatible relationship. They wonder: ”How do I know this is really ROCD, and not just the real truth about what I feel?” This is a difficult question, because compatibility is an entirely personal concept as well as a total toss-up. Everyone has a friend or relative in a relationship that looked perfect only to see a break-up occur just months later. Likewise, we all know people who seem completely wrong for each other at first glance, but somehow end up happily married for decades.

 

I would very much appreciate an input or different perspective to all who may have the same experience (im sorry if there are any as this experience has been painfully excruciating and lethal to me) Thank you.

Edited October 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed link, commercial

[harrybrown]

do you want to get back with him?

 

or just help him?

 

if you want to help him, go ahead and send it.

 

but you could cause yourself pain if he lashes back at you.

 

Good luck. but sometimes it is better to let the relationship go.

[Frostedflake]

It's very likely he's not going to take this in a constructive way. No one likes their ex diagnosing them. Even if they're "just trying to help!", well- the people that hurt you are very well not the ones to help you in the end.

 

If you guys have a mutual friend you might slide that link their way and be like "hey..I really want him to know about this but I'm not comfortable being the one to tell him." And they can play the part of, "I stumbled on this really interesting thing the other day, what do you think?"

 

But it shouldn't be you.

This just looks like a giant finger in his face.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, I would not send him this link. It more than likely will fall on deaf ears, coming from you. Also, you don't know if that's really what is going on with him. Yes, he may some extreme relationship anxiety - or he might have truly just not seen a future with you and the anxiety was the result of trying to convince himself for too long that he should be with you.

 

Perhaps think about Frostedflake's idea of a third party mentioning it.

[basil67]

He'll think "shastaa can't cope with the end of the relationship and so she's trying to diagnose me with a mental illness". Don't bother.

[bluefeather]

Strange. All of those "thoughts" sound like they could come from any regular, normal person who just doesn't like their current relationship.

 

It would probably be very foolish to send that link. You are basically saying, "You dumped me because you have a mental issue." There's no good way to spin that.

[grays]

My ex-h of 25 years had had OCD with a focus on his sexuality, so he was constantly terrified that he might be gay and questioning whether he was gay or straight. Its pretty similar to what you describe. But he was diagnosed and in therapy for it very soon after we got together, like within the first year. It still dominated our relationship all the way through, though, and Im sorry you had to be subjected to it. It was extremely painful for both ex and myself. It's crazy that now, 29 years after I got the first wiff of it I both hate him for it (what he put me through) and have huge empathy for him.

 

Anyhow, I completely disagree with previous posters. Send him the link. For my ex, learning what it was was a huge relief (though it solved nothing). And I cant see any harm in bringing it to his attention. There's nothing to lose. The worst that can happen is he says youre just grasping at straws. But who cares if he thinks that?

 

Is he in therapy? My ex was for nearly the entire time we were together and still is now. Im not sure it helped. It probably took the edge off and helped him cope with it, but definitely didnt fix him. Its a tough nut to crack.

[shastaa]

do you want to get back with him?

 

or just help him?

 

if you want to help him, go ahead and send it.

 

but you could cause yourself pain if he lashes back at you.

 

Good luck. but sometimes it is better to let the relationship go.

Harrybrown:

 

I would like to help him although I know I am not in any position to do that. I am scared to approach him or let him know about this because just like what you said he might take it wrong or just worsen his anxiety.

 

I've seen him during rought times and simole things gives him such an anxiety attack. He over thinks more often than not like per say small black dots on beddings may cause a week of anxiety (bed bug issues) or when he felt numb ringing sensation on his finger (his dad has Multiple Sclerosis) so I really don't know what to do.

[shastaa]

It's very likely he's not going to take this in a constructive way. No one likes their ex diagnosing them. Even if they're "just trying to help!", well- the people that hurt you are very well not the ones to help you in the end.

 

If you guys have a mutual friend you might slide that link their way and be like "hey..I really want him to know about this but I'm not comfortable being the one to tell him." And they can play the part of, "I stumbled on this really interesting thing the other day, what do you think?"

 

But it shouldn't be you.

This just looks like a giant finger in his face.

We are in LDR and has different set of friends, he is originally from England while I am from Asia. He recently moved to SG to work as an expat to get closer to me and I was supposed to go SG too early next year to be with him.

 

I did tried to contact one of his close friend post BU and told her to keep an eye on him as he sent me an email 2 weeks post BU telling me he's been very homesick. I am not particularly close or formally introduced to that friend tho, I just gathered courage bec I felt bad for him.

 

Maybe I'll just let things go and let him figure that one out sadly. I am well aware it may not go well if I try to tell him or what.

[shastaa]

Strange. All of those "thoughts" sound like they could come from any regular, normal person who just doesn't like their current relationship.

 

It would probably be very foolish to send that link. You are basically saying, "You dumped me because you have a mental issue." There's no good way to spin that.

bluefeather:

 

yes, it is quite strange, i am not an expert tho of course but as i have read, it is more common on individuals who's manifesting anxiety and OCD.

 

just like most of us, i had those thoughts one or two times in a relationship but i can confidently shake it off afterwards and it doesn't bother me. the thing with ROCD is that it comes more frequent like a nagging feeling inside the affected person. we may not know for sure if a person has it or not unless he see a special type of therapist that is focused on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy otherwise other shrinks may overlook it as normal.

[shastaa]

My ex-h of 25 years had had OCD with a focus on his sexuality, so he was constantly terrified that he might be gay and questioning whether he was gay or straight. Its pretty similar to what you describe. But he was diagnosed and in therapy for it very soon after we got together, like within the first year. It still dominated our relationship all the way through, though, and Im sorry you had to be subjected to it. It was extremely painful for both ex and myself. It's crazy that now, 29 years after I got the first wiff of it I both hate him for it (what he put me through) and have huge empathy for him.

 

Anyhow, I completely disagree with previous posters. Send him the link. For my ex, learning what it was was a huge relief (though it solved nothing). And I cant see any harm in bringing it to his attention. There's nothing to lose. The worst that can happen is he says youre just grasping at straws. But who cares if he thinks that?

 

Is he in therapy? My ex was for nearly the entire time we were together and still is now. Im not sure it helped. It probably took the edge off and helped him cope with it, but definitely didnt fix him. Its a tough nut to crack.

Hi Grays,

 

Thank you for the sympathy. The breakup ****ing crushed my spirit. I am still contemplating if I should or should not as we are on NC. I do not know what his reaction would be. The last time we spoke he sound very confused and told me he wants to find out why he's feeling not right, is it because of our situation or is it because of his feelings.

 

Also, I am torned with a wise choice here as what if he just really never loved me? Recently, he snagged a job in SG as an expat (part of the reason why he's in SG was to get closer to me proximity wise) and few weeks after being there he pulled the trigger. I am well aware that Singaporean girls are really pretty and are crazy about Caucasian guys that earns well. During breakup he told me he went out with someone for a lunchdate and never really told me about it real time hence I 5hink where he got confusion. I have observed that he like ego boosts especially when girls checks him out as he does not get the same attention back in his homeland.

 

ROCD or not, maybe I will let him try to figure things out as much as I would like to help him out. Not doing this to get back whatsoever as I think if we do get back I will undergo through a lot of heartache and pain because of his issues.

[grays]

It never even crossed my mind to leave my ex bc of his OCD. I thought when you love someone you tackle those things together and you support them however you can. I wish I had run screaming. The very nature of the illness tore me up, killed my self esteem, broke my heart over and over again. And then he got a little healthier and left me partly because we had developed unhealthy patterns, ie, him tearing me down and me taking care of him.

 

So my advice would be NC, ever.