Reconnecting with an Ex

[Trimega]

This is a long story so I will summarize as much as possible. Hopefully, someone will be able to take something away from my story and if anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it.

 

I have known my ex for 7 years now. We hooked up casually for the first year. Then dated for 4 years. We have been broken up for over 1.5 years. During the relationship we had our standard ups and downs but we were very much in love. We were/are great for each other. Best friends, same religion, same upbringing and family values and had amazing sexual chemistry. Our entire community and circle of friends loved us as a couple.

 

We broke up because I had a change of career, she was concurrently pressurising me for marriage or commitment to marry during that period of intense financial strain. Try as best as I could, I could not convince her that once I had my finances and career sorted out in a year or 2 I would propose to her. She was panicking and didn't feel loved. So over a 3 month period we began to fight and I found it hard to be the great bf to her that I had always been as I felt she didn't care for me and my needs to be financially stable in order to provide for her and an eventual family. The situation snowballed. Long story short, I eventually noticed a behavioural change in her. I became suspicious and I checked her phone for the first time in our relationship. I found a text thread to another man (turns out he was married) talking about kissing and her replying positively to an offer to make love to him. I don't believe anything happened physically.

 

I immediately broke it off. I was hurt. My trust was broken. I bought a ticket and went on holiday with some friends.

 

When I returned she began begging and pleading. Being part of the same circle of friends and having limited options to go out and party I ended up seeing her at least twice a month. We ended up sleeping together countless times as a result of boozy evenings out (I did my best to avoid this happening). It always resulted in the same scenario - we would spend our Sunday together as if we were dating and then her consistently pushing me to get back together immediately. I never got a chance to heal from the hurt I felt and never felt like she did anything to prove that she was sorry. She just partied too hard (she was grieving) and pushed for reconciliation too soon. I never felt able to forgive her and asked her for time to see if I could heal and forgive the breach of trust.

 

At the beginning of this year she told me she had met someone in another city close to me. I felt she was trying to make me jealous. I didn't react. Towards March she told me she was going to move to that city as she couldn't be in this situation any longer (seeing me everywhere and us slipping up and sleeping together every once in a while and her begging). Her sister came to me with what I felt as an ultimatum, she was planning on moving to that city. She told me my ex would stay if I wanted her to. I said in all good conscience I couldn't keep her here if I hadn't yet forgiven her, I didn't want her to suffer any longer while tried to heal and forgive. I also knew that she would probably end up dating this new guy she met. We had a mutual friend's wedding planned in Europe in September.

 

I spent the interim concentrating on myself and starting a business. I have been with multiple girls casually in the interim. I heard she started dating the guy around May/June. I was unemotional about it. Over that time though, I began to feel like I could forgive her. Fast forward to September this year. We both knew we were attending this wedding. I didn't expect the bf to be there as I was only allowed to travel with her (strict father) after dating for a year. I was looking forward to seeing her and potentially reconnecting.

 

I found out 3 days before the wedding that the new bf was going to be there. This hit me hard as it made it clear that he was more serious than I imagined. I saw her and him at the wedding, a few awkward encounters ensued but I handled it well, with indifference and some humour (shared a joke or 2 with her). I was unreactive and intent on havign a good evening regardless.

 

At the end of the night a close friend of hers approached me and asked if I still loved her. I refused to answer until she told me what my ex felt as she had a bf with her. She said that she does still love me.

 

It is now 2.5 months out from the wedding. I know I still love her. I know I have forgiven her. I want to get her back but I have no idea what the best approach is.

 

These are the options I thing I have:

 

1) Fly down on the pretence of business, call her up, take her for a drink/coffee/dinner and try court her again (no begging, pleading or talking about relationship) just make her remember why she was in love with me.

 

1b) Fly down on the pretense of business, call her up, take her for a drink/coffee/dinner and reveal how I feel now and tell her I want to get back together

 

2) Leave it completely and wait for their relationship to potentially fizzle out (the assumption here is that this relationship is a rebound - although it has lasted +-6months and he has been introduced to the family) and then court her in a stronger and less complicated situation.

 

3) Approach her sister and speak to her. The aim here would be to gauge what my ex's feelings are and avoid going to her and potentially pushing her further into his arms

 

I'm not sure what to do. Each approach has its risks. I have to admit that I am afraid of the potential rejection as my anger towards her is gone and I'm left with the love i've always had for her.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

THANKS

[CC12]

2) Leave it completely and wait for their relationship to potentially fizzle out (the assumption here is that this relationship is a rebound - although it has lasted +-6months and he has been introduced to the family) and then court her in a stronger and less complicated situation.

 

It's this one. Mostly the bolded part. She tried to get back together with you for a long time and you didn't go for it. You weren't ready, and that's okay. But she's moved on (moved away, actually) and is presumably happy in her new life, and with someone else now. You have no right to interfere with that. It really wouldn't be fair.

 

And I don't really think that you should wait for their relationship to fail. It's not nice to wish failure upon others. You should wish her the best, and move on.

[kortz]

Option 4) Move on.

 

She's with someone else now. Her sister or friend shouldn't be meddling and you shouldn't be getting information from them. If she loved you and wanted to be with you then you'd know about it but the reality is she's with someone else and it has lasted 6 months. You need to move on with the mindset that this relationship is over because as long as you even have a shred of hope about reconciliation you will never properly move on. All that will get you is no where and you will find it difficult meeting someone new.

 

It's not easy and we all like to think our relationships were special and different and that we were truly great and perfect for each other, but if they were things wouldn't end up how they have done.

[ayoung73]

I’m sorry if what I have to say is painful to you, but here is my advice:

 

STOP being selfish! Everything you spoke about was you, you you you…how you felt, how you wanted this or that and how YOU saw the relationship…it isn’t about a ‘you,’ it’s about a ‘we.’ A relationship is about two people coming together as one, fighting side by side as a team, living a life together and avoiding lies like, ‘I wanted to be financially stable in order to provide for her,’ LIE. You didn’t want to get married, and if you were a couple, you both could have worked together as you both became financially stable. You didn’t want to get married.

 

STOP lying and being selfish: go to her and tell her if that’s what you’re bent on doing…don’t lie, admit your faults and why you really didn’t want to get married, she was concerned about you and your feelings, SHE WANTED TO MARRY YOU!

 

Real advice:

 

Don’t do anything, leave her alone and work on your issues, go to a professional and talk about this whole relationship which reeks of commitment and self-sabotaging issues. And then, when you’re better, if it is meant to be, you’ll have another opportunity to make it up to her and start anew. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, I wish I could do something else for you, besides metaphorically slapping you across the face, but if you love her, get yourself together and find out why you didn’t hold on to her and why you let all these excuses get in the way of your love. Doesn’t that bother you?