Fair Posted October 19, 2017 Posted October 19, 2017 Met a divorced man online... recently divorced. He wanted to meet but I picked up on it pretty quickly that he's still not over his ex... But not only that, he hangs around, by the look of his facebook, almost exclusively with his daughter, and is gushing constantly about his daughter.... He's in his 50's so she's a 20 something... And this I find weirdly uncomfortable because she's married and you never see her husband accompanying them to football games or concerts, both of which he attends regularly... I told him there's no point in meeting because he's got to give himself time to get over his divorce. We never discussed his daughter but it seems to me she's almost of surrogate wife by the way things look... he invited me to check out his facebook in case anyone thinks I'm stalking him. I'm not, but I have looked at it over the past while to get a better feel for who he is... and wherever he goes he's with his daughter... without her husband. I guess I'm posting this because he did a good job making me feel like a heel for rejecting him. He said I'm wrong, that he's happy and at peace meanwhile he's been accused of stalking his ex, etc. which he says his ex wife's new husband is making up just to make him look bad. I know better than to believe him, and all the signs point to the fact that he's the quintessential emotionally unavailable man... even the fact that he's dating his daughter, so to speak, seems to point to his unavailability. At any rate it seems like another warning sign. But one I don't quite understand. Do divorced men typically do this? What do you think? Would you consider this weird, like another red flag warning me to stay away? Do you think I ought to have given him the benefit of one meeting before telling him to stay away? Incidentally, we've been talking on the phone for at least 3 months so I did give him a pretty good go before making up my mind that it would be pointless to meet. Just looking for some validation... I guess.
GemmaUK Posted October 19, 2017 Posted October 19, 2017 Personally, I wouldn't meet someone with whom I had got into any kind of a dispute with before a first meet. If I said I didn't want to meet then (and in this situation) I would not have told him the reason why so specifically though - it would come across as accusatory - he would be bound to attempt to defend himself. I would have just said I wasn't feeling it or something equally vague. No matter what if you met him now you'd both be starting off on a bad foot IMO. 1
act00 Posted October 19, 2017 Posted October 19, 2017 Three months is way too long for a first meet. I don't know if you pushed him back that long or not, but it's too long. It would be worse if it was hard to get a time together due to his constant plans with his daughter, plus working around work and other priorities. At some point the date has to be a priority. Conflict before first meeting is also not the best sign. Now asking about dating history (no details required), how long divorced, and if he/she is ready to get into a relationship post divorce is pretty normal in my experience. I don't know if I would have said my exact reasons for not wanting to. I don't think you were necessarily wrong for stating your reason, however. The more info you give, the more pushback and reasoning you could get, so often it's better just to state you're "not a match." Now if this guy is truly over his ex, and you told him you don't want to go out with him due to still being attached, he may clean up his behaviors for the next date, realizing what he did. You'll feel really bad no matter what. It can't be escaped. I have met a couple men who see their adult children very regularly and do things together, but it's never come across as clingy or weird like a "surrogate spouse." I guess it could have to do with him seeming to have a life and other interests beyond the child(ren) and the children also seem to have other interests? I don't know. I've had a few encounters where they state in their profile "no drama" with their ex, but the ex comes up way too often, and it turns out there's drama. If he's being accused of stalking, I question what the real story is, but there's something going on, and who knows if both sides are doing it or not. His child is grown and married, so there really is very little reason for him to have continued contact with the ex, unless they're still trying to finalize paperwork and property. Divorces can get ugly and who knows if she took some of his property to spite him or vice versa. My ex was delivering things he found via kids, and I found some of his things which I did the same, so outside of loose ends, I don't see any reason for him to need to contact her or she him. He's not that far outside of divorce if they're still dealing with these odds and ends. If a man continuously complains about his ex, he's not over it yet. The same for women. The exes come up, but it should not be a dominating topic. I think it's okay to break it off. After three months and some issues that have you unsure, I think it was a good call. 2
Gaeta Posted October 19, 2017 Posted October 19, 2017 I made a point of never dating men freshly out of relationships so I would not even have exchange with this man. I don't know why you chatted for 3 months, it's a huge waste of time and energy. 2
BaileyB Posted October 19, 2017 Posted October 19, 2017 You made the right decision. I would have done the same thing... 1
Author Fair Posted October 19, 2017 Author Posted October 19, 2017 It's probably a social media thing more than anything. People tend to be more active on social media post break-up/divorce. They want to appear happy and all that jazz. This guy likely hangs out with his daughter every now and then and makes sure to post all about it, but for the most part, that isn't really his life. I think you're right. He's making all these happy occasions with his daughter on facebook "PUBLIC" with pictures of himself beaming from ear to ear, while meanwhile on the phone he sounded very bitter, like he's not really enjoying anything in his life not even his work.
Author Fair Posted October 19, 2017 Author Posted October 19, 2017 Three months is way too long for a first meet. I don't know if you pushed him back that long or not, but it's too long. It would be worse if it was hard to get a time together due to his constant plans with his daughter, plus working around work and other priorities. At some point the date has to be a priority. Conflict before first meeting is also not the best sign. Now asking about dating history (no details required), how long divorced, and if he/she is ready to get into a relationship post divorce is pretty normal in my experience. I don't know if I would have said my exact reasons for not wanting to. I don't think you were necessarily wrong for stating your reason, however. The more info you give, the more pushback and reasoning you could get, so often it's better just to state you're "not a match." Now if this guy is truly over his ex, and you told him you don't want to go out with him due to still being attached, he may clean up his behaviors for the next date, realizing what he did. You'll feel really bad no matter what. It can't be escaped. I have met a couple men who see their adult children very regularly and do things together, but it's never come across as clingy or weird like a "surrogate spouse." I guess it could have to do with him seeming to have a life and other interests beyond the child(ren) and the children also seem to have other interests? I don't know. I've had a few encounters where they state in their profile "no drama" with their ex, but the ex comes up way too often, and it turns out there's drama. If he's being accused of stalking, I question what the real story is, but there's something going on, and who knows if both sides are doing it or not. His child is grown and married, so there really is very little reason for him to have continued contact with the ex, unless they're still trying to finalize paperwork and property. Divorces can get ugly and who knows if she took some of his property to spite him or vice versa. My ex was delivering things he found via kids, and I found some of his things which I did the same, so outside of loose ends, I don't see any reason for him to need to contact her or she him. He's not that far outside of divorce if they're still dealing with these odds and ends. If a man continuously complains about his ex, he's not over it yet. The same for women. The exes come up, but it should not be a dominating topic. I think it's okay to break it off. After three months and some issues that have you unsure, I think it was a good call. He told me he was two years divorced on our first phone call. On our last.. he said they just signed the papers in May, but have been separated a year. He also said he was accused of going into his ex's new husbands work place yelling and screaming and had to be removed by management, but that this too was a lie made up by the new spouse... said he has receipts showing he was out of town on the date it supposedly occurred and that he's been "forwarding" them to his ex to prove it... These revelations came out on our last phone call... then he called it being honest and open with me and that I ought to be grateful for his "transparency". Good god. I ignored it all and told him he shouldn't be trying to date yet. I also told him he's selfish... so he told me I'm jaded for rejecting him.
Author Fair Posted October 19, 2017 Author Posted October 19, 2017 I made a point of never dating men freshly out of relationships so I would not even have exchange with this man. I don't know why you chatted for 3 months, it's a huge waste of time and energy. Now, in my forties, it seems there's no other kind. Instead of dealing with their emotions, men generally all try to sweep them under the rug and soon after break up, dash to the nearest online dating website to try to fill the void.
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