What would you label this? Not sure what to think

[Cheerbabe93]

I just want to hear some opinions, this story took place a few years ago and I'd just like to know what you guys think about it. Just for my personal sake

 

St Patrick's Day 2012 (Saturday, March 17th 2012)

 

I took a train to Landstuhl in the evening. I had plans to meet with a few people (two girls and three guys) whom I've had met about a month before. Going there I had no idea what was about to happen, I felt excited because it was my first St Patrick's Day celebration and I was looking forward to a night filled with good company and lots of laughter.

We met up at an Irish pub.

It was super busy, tents outside and tons of people dressed in green.

As the night went on the drinks became more, two beers turned into four and I was getting pretty drunk (I had just turned 19 and drinking wasn't really my thing)

After a few hours our group decided to leave the Irish pub and go dancing instead. I hated dancing but I didn't say anything and just followed them to the club.

Lots of dancing and tequila shots later it was time to head back on base. When we got to the dorms two of the guys decided it was a good idea to take another round of tequila shots and after that the two girls and other two guys left to go to their room and I stayed at the dorm room with B. I had a crush on him but had no intentions to pursue him. I was very shy back then, only had one boyfriend before and never did more then kissing.

B had other plans for the rest of the night. He started kissing me and I kissed him back. After all I had a crush on him and kissing seemed rather harmless. But B wanted more. It didn't take long before his pants were on the floor and he stood in front of me pushing me down on my knees.

It didn't last long, two minutes maybe and then he got back up again. I thought that was it, was way too drunk and ready to go to bed. But B wanted more. He started asking for sex. I felt embarrassed for being a virgin and didn't want him to know so I stalled and tried to come up with excuses. But he kept asking and no matter what I said he wouldn't accept my answer. The last thing he said was "Let's give it a try and if you don't like it I can stop"

Everything happened so fast, it was almost as if I was watching from a distance.

I didn't like it, I didn't have fun but I felt paralyzed. I couldn't move or speak. All I could do was lay there on his bed with my hands up against his stomach in an attempt to make him stop.

When he was done he just rolled over and fell asleep. I wasn't tired anymore, couldn't sleep for hours. I was disgusted with myself and so I cried silently until eventually I did fall asleep.

 

I never told anyone what happened because it's my own fault. I should have known better not to sleep over at a guys place. I should have not been drinking that much (4 beers and 2 tequila shots) I should have said "No" but I failed to speak up. Do I consider it rape? No. because I didn't tell him to stop but I also didn't say yes. I never gave consent and that's what still haunts me.

This is not how I imagined I'd lose my virginity and to be honest even now five years later I'm still not over this night.

Edited October 18, 2017 by Cheerbabe93

[smackie9]

So sorry this has happened to you, you are not alone. Most cases never end in an arrest...maybe only 14% do. It's a his word against yours.

 

I suggest you seek out a professional counselor that specializes in helping rape victims, you have been hanging onto this way too long.

[Cheerbabe93]

So sorry this has happened to you, you are not alone. Most cases never end in an arrest...maybe only 14% do. It's a his word against yours.

 

I suggest you seek out a professional counselor that specializes in helping rape victims, you have been hanging onto this way too long.

 

 

So this qualifies as rape? I never thought of it in that way. I just blamed myself. I am in therapy because I developed panic disorder but I haven't told my therapist about this night. I didn't tell anyone, not my parents or my best friend but lately when I'm in therapy I have the urge to talk to my therapist about it but I guess I don't really know what to tell her since I didn't know this actually counts as rape

[CptInsano]

So this qualifies as rape? I never thought of it in that way. I just blamed myself. I am in therapy because I developed panic disorder but I haven't told my therapist about this night. I didn't tell anyone, not my parents or my best friend but lately when I'm in therapy I have the urge to talk to my therapist about it but I guess I don't really know what to tell her since I didn't know this actually counts as rape

 

Are you asking from a legal or moral standpoint? If this was in Germany in 2012, prior to the recent legal reform, I would have my doubts from a legal perspective, but this would be a question for a lawyer who is familiar with the local laws at that time. It might even fall into another legal category.

 

Morally, knowing only your account of what happened, I would say yes. He was taking advantage of your intoxicated state.

[Cookiesandough]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Remember that your not alone. Ever. I don't get why "losing your virginity" is a thing. It's just sex. The first time you have sex in today's society is usually with someone you wont even know later in your life.

[coolheadal]

So this qualifies as rape? I never thought of it in that way. I just blamed myself. I am in therapy because I developed panic disorder but I haven't told my therapist about this night. I didn't tell anyone, not my parents or my best friend but lately when I'm in therapy I have the urge to talk to my therapist about it but I guess I don't really know what to tell her since I didn't know this actually counts as rape

 

You need to release this event otherwise the life you live now will always be in fear with the panic disorder. I don't know what your beliefs are but you need to seek out a healer of the mind. They can help you. I one of those people as well.

Yes it's consider rape you were either drugged or intoxicated. You do need to tell others well you told us her so that will help you but close family and friends. Best to seek out healer because you need to go into a deep to release this pain. They will know what to do for you

[Cheerbabe93]

Are you asking from a legal or moral standpoint? If this was in Germany in 2012, prior to the recent legal reform, I would have my doubts from a legal perspective, but this would be a question for a lawyer who is familiar with the local laws at that time. It might even fall into another legal category.

 

Morally, knowing only your account of what happened, I would say yes. He was taking advantage of your intoxicated state.

 

I'm not asking for the legal perspective. I just read an article the other day about seven things that count as rape even tho you might not realize it and it got me thinking. Writing it down also helped me even though I have to say that I had goosebumps on my arms.

[coolheadal]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Remember that your not alone. Ever. I don't get why "losing your virginity" is a thing. It's just sex. The first time you have sex in today's society is usually with someone you wont even know later in your life.

 

Losing your virginity means you lost part of who you once was from birth. Once you lose it your not the same person ever again. People who are still virgin's share a different mindset. I can more into it but lets leave it at that for now shall we!

[Cookiesandough]

Losing your virginity means you lost part of who you once was from birth. Once you lose it your not the same person ever again. People who are still virgin's share a different mindset. I can more into it but lets leave it at that for now shall we!

 

I don't feel at all like a different person. I didn't feel like I "lost" anything either. I didn't even fully lose my hymen the first time and some people lose their hymen before they have sex. I was told it was supposed to be this grand event, but when it came down to it, it was just my ex painfully jabbing me in my vagina. Sorry, but that is as accurate as I can describe it. It took a couple more times before it actually became an enjoyable experience and those times I recall much more.

 

Apologies for derailing your thread, OP. It's just that we(especially women) are taught to place so much value on our 'virginity', so if our first time is less than ideal, we feel bad. It feels much worse if there are regrets involved so I think you should explore why you value it. I think you should talk to a counsellor who can help you cope with your feelings regarding what happened. It is sexual coercion

Edited October 18, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Raena]

5 years is a long time to hold onto this memory... and be able to recall it in such vivid detail too means you've thought about it a lot. You should open up and tell your therapist about it because it may be the root of your panic attacks.

 

I'm torn between agreeing with you that this isn't rape and telling you no, it is rape, you didn't consent. I do know that I've been in a similar situation myself and it made me feel disgusting afterwards. I haven't forgotten about it, but I let it go because really, it's in the past and you can't change it. For your own sanity you need to address it and find a way to let it go.

[soyou]

I'm sorry that you had to go through.

 

If I were your big sister, this would be how I tell you.

 

This not a rape! This is a horrible experience that you had to go through. You need to make peace with the past that you were young, you didn't know how to protect yourself. So you made a mistake like everyone else.

 

It has been 5 years. A beautiful life is still ahead of you. Open your heart and tell your story to your therapist. It will help you tremendously moving forward.

 

** The reason why I dont consider this a rape because if I advise you so, it will leave you so many questions unanswered and so hanging doors which stop you from moving on.

 

 

Tell yourself everyday until you believe it yourself that "This was a mistake you made, like anyone else. But you've learnt from it and now you know how to protect yourself."

[Romantic_Antics]

I was torn about whether or not this was rape until I reread the following (with emphasis on the bolded parts):

 

It didn't take long before his pants were on the floor and he stood in front of me pushing me down on my knees.

It didn't last long, two minutes maybe and then he got back up again. I thought that was it, was way too drunk and ready to go to bed. But B wanted more. He started asking for sex. I felt embarrassed for being a virgin and didn't want him to know so I stalled and tried to come up with excuses. But he kept asking and no matter what I said he wouldn't accept my answer....I didn't like it, I didn't have fun but I felt paralyzed. I couldn't move or speak. All I could do was lay there with my hands up against his stomach in an attempt to make him stop.

 

Pushing you down on your knees is forceful and not consensual, not accepting your refusals/answers/excuses is also forceful and not consensual, and you were trying to get him to stop by physically resisting. That constitutes rape, in my opinion. I don't know how the situation would be interpreted legally or the spin that his own lawyer would put on the situation in his defense, but what happened was not consensual. When intercourse is not consensual, it's rape.

 

Please don't blame yourself for this. You said it was all your fault, but it was not. A respectable man would not have continued to force the issue while you were trying to verbally resist with refusals and excuses and then physically resist by pushing your hands against his stomach in an attempt to make him stop. There's no excuse for that. None whatsoever.

 

I'm very sorry this happened to you and wish you all the best in trying to recover from it.

[coolheadal]

I don't feel at all like a different person. I didn't feel like I "lost" anything either. I didn't even fully lose my hymen the first time and some people lose their hymen before they have sex. I was told it was supposed to be this grand event, but when it came down to it, it was just my ex painfully jabbing me in my vagina. Sorry, but that is as accurate as I can describe it. It took a couple more times before it actually became an enjoyable experience and those times I recall much more.

 

Apologies for derailing your thread, OP. It's just that we(especially women) are taught to place so much value on our 'virginity', so if our first time is less than ideal, we feel bad. It feels much worse if there are regrets involved so I think you should explore why you value it. I think you should talk to a counsellor who can help you cope with your feelings regarding what happened. It is sexual coercion

 

Oh my Cookie you shared that with me your first time experience. Mine was different for man. I didn't know what to expect. The first one said she would pop my cherry.. I have psychic abilities and psychic powers I lost one ability when I was virgin I was able to hear the dead speak at night around 3 am to 5 am it would drive me nuts. Where are these people talking. No one outside but they were there. Once I had fornicated those voices where gone for good. I can tell people when they will die also. I will not do that here. Best people don't their faith. I try teach others how to be and what to expect out of life. But again I don't mean to take up the OP thread over this. Losing that part of me will never return. I felt different my first you did in a way I see. For you it meant you shared your body self with another person (man) for me I did the same with woman. That's the experience like when Adam and Eve did it in the forest.

Edited October 19, 2017 by coolheadal

[LoverOfDance]

OP, please don't listen to @soyou. I know he or she means well but the advice is bad if you ask me. He or she is pretty much telling you to shift the blame to yourself and figure out how to forgive yourself for not knowing better.

 

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! If you ask me, the event CAN be considered as rape. Consider this - let's say that I found out you had $20,000 in your purse. I ask you if I can have the money and you don't give me a reply. If I go ahead and take the money without getting a reply from you, is it stealing?

 

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Please tell your therapist about it and find out how to tackle it. You don't deserve to carry this around with you. Please tell someone, hopefully someone you trust.

[TaxMan]

I can't speak to whether this falls under the legal definition of rape where you are, but it certainly fits the moral definition of it. You were not in a position to offer consent, did not offer consent and still were coerced into having sex. In my book, that's rape.

 

A jury may see it differently, as I said, but that's not the angle I'm looking at it from - I'm asking myself if I were in that situation, what would I have done or thought.

 

I feel for you. I agree with posters above that you should seek counseling where you can work through this trauma. I wish you luck. <3

[Cheerbabe93]

Thank you everyone for your answers. My next therapy appointment is on Monday and I'm gonna try to bring it up and finally open up to someone about that incident. I truly believe it is what caused me to develop panic disorder which has basically taken over my life by now.

Thank you for your kind words and reassuring me that it wasn't actually my fault. I guess in a way I never really processed what actually happened that night. Like I said it was almost like an outer body experience that left me feeling confused and I remember crying for days after that night

It's been five years and I'm ready to let it go and finally move on because the thoughts about that night take up too much space of my daily thoughts, I keep thinking about the song that was playing on repeat on his laptop or the tropical smell of his room and everytime I think about the incident I'm left with goosebumps all over my body and get teary eyed.

Again thank you everyone for being so kind