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2 years together and dumped by ex because he thinks I don't have drive

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By MovedCities
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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MovedCities New Member

MovedCities

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My boyfriend of almost-2 years broke up with me just a few days ago and it's pretty soul crushing. We got together Dec 2015 at a really low point in my life when I just left the company I founded. Burnt out and tired of 24/7 work -- I wanted to take an elongated break and just relax. That was when we met.

 

When we met I told him I was both emotionally and financially unstable, that I was thinking of moving back from Asia to Australia to rebuild my career and start fresh. He asked me to stay in the country for him several times. Later, he pursued me relentlessly for a few months and slowly, I fell in love.

 

Despite being very different people, we travelled for months at a time, were happy, and experienced a lot of amazing things together. His mum passed away and so did his best friend, and I became his emotional support.

 

During this time as well, he was taking care of me financially (he offered). Every single time he wanted to go on a trip, he would insist that I accompany him as he didn't want to go alone; that he wanted me around. I would always feel terribly guilty and refuse as I wasn't working and couldn't afford it. He would just brush it off saying that I could pay him back once we moved to another country for his MBA.

 

When he said he wanted to do his MBA, I offered to do LDR so I could go back to Australia and work on myself and earn money to pay him back (I racked up quite the bill). He refused again, and insisted I move countries to be with him. In love and optimistic at a future together (we were making plans to settle and get married in a few years), I moved with him. And the first month was traveling and bliss. Eventually, we settled into routine-- he began his MBA and I took care of the house while job-hunting. Eventually I got a job, he got me a dog for my birthday, and while we were fighting quite often due to the stress of his MBA-- I didn't realise he had begun to resent me for having to take care of everything until my first paycheck came back.

 

His reasoning for the breakup was that he resented me because of the lack of drive I had shown in the past year and a half (which is true as I did become complacent), and he didn't understand why it took moving for me to rebuild my career. My response was that I didn't want to stay in the country, and I only stayed for him--that I helped him get into his MBA program (I wrote the essay that got him 3 acceptances and two scholarships), I helped with his assignments, prepped him for his interviews, did the groceries, ran the house, cooked and packed him food, cleaned, did as much as I could given my lack of finances-- and that I sacrificed my time to stay in one country for him, travel with him as he asked, and then move again because he asked.

 

His view of me had changed and he couldn't feel the same way, and that while I was a great partner and he knew I was the phase of rebuilding myself, he just was so angry that I had been a burden for so long.

 

When I asked him what he would like to do now he said that he needs a woman with a career; I need to go work on myself and that we can "meet back again later."

 

Which I find ridiculous because I sacrified my career to stay with him just as he asked. And when the going became tough and I started to pick myself up again-- he just bailed.

 

I'm angry, hurt, embarassed, insecure, and upset. I've already moved back to Australia and have interviews for work and am looking to get my own place. But the rawness of what just happens really bugs me. To know that I was perfect in every regard but he just never knew my work ethic before and he believes I have a lack of drive really, really sucks.

Highndry Established Member

Highndry

Posted
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I think there's more to it. He may be using some of that as an excuse. He probably met somebody else. I think most people leave for another person unless it's an abusive relationship or something.

Country_Girl Established Member

Country_Girl

Posted
Posted

Don't meet this guy later in life, he sounds like an *******.

 

When I was 19 I dated a guy for 2 years and he broke up with me because I lacked ambition or a career- yet he was a high school drop out. Yeah he sure contacted me a year later but I had happily moved on.

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SpecialJ Established Member

SpecialJ

Posted
Posted

He sounds really insecure, passive aggressive, and like a terrible communicator. I don't necessarily think there's someone else. I wonder if this is a control issue -- he acts perfectly happy with you as long as you're doing what he wants. But then you two move, you start getting more independent and get a job, he's bad at handling his school stress, and suddenly he makes up a reason to dump you. If this really was about you, not him, he'd have seen the work you were doing to rebuild as a sign that you were getting there. And you founded a company in the first place, sheesh. You have the potential to be plenty ambitious.

 

It won't seem like it now, but you likely dodged a huge bullet.

SpecialJ Established Member

SpecialJ

Posted
Posted

Actually, I will amend what I said in one way... how long ago did his mom and best friend pass? He may be emotionally unstable from that plus bad at managing his stress, not that it gives him the right to take it out on you. Bad egg either way. But if grieving changed him, it may be more about you two growing apart than him being controlling.

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MovedCities New Member

MovedCities

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Actually, I will amend what I said in one way... how long ago did his mom and best friend pass? He may be emotionally unstable from that plus bad at managing his stress, not that it gives him the right to take it out on you. Bad egg either way. But if grieving changed him, it may be more about you two growing apart than him being controlling.

 

Hey SpecialJ, thanks so much for your input. The outside perspective is really appreciated.

 

You hit it right on the head. He is absolutely useless at managing stress. He's the sort of person who can only focus on one thing at a time or will otherwise become too overwhelmed and frustrated. He readily admits he can't even multitask.

 

His mum passed last May. His best friend in August this year, and I forgot to mention his grandfather last month. So there have been a lot of things that have certainly happened in the past year and a half that piled on the stress and sadness.

 

He just became so overwhelmed with school, all the outside stress from his extended family (their family is extremely wealthy and successful) about what I was up to in my life, what my goals were, and how that would look like if we were to get married. His family would also constantly barrage him with questions and it built up. He struggled to imagine a life together and it scared him because he didn't know my work ethic and goals (if I even had any) in all the time we were together because I was just chilling for a while.

 

On top of that, he was still financially supporting me + combined with our constant fighting when we moved countries that it all became too much.

 

During the breakup, he just kept saying he just needs me to work on myself and to meet back again later, and I just really lol'd in tears.

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MovedCities New Member

MovedCities

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Posted
Don't meet this guy later in life, he sounds like an *******.

 

When I was 19 I dated a guy for 2 years and he broke up with me because I lacked ambition or a career- yet he was a high school drop out. Yeah he sure contacted me a year later but I had happily moved on.

 

Hi Country_Girl! Thank you for the reply. That's crazy that your ex would think that of you when it understandably takes time for people to find what they want to do in life (especially at 19).

 

Do you mind if I asked what happened when he reached out to you?

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MovedCities New Member

MovedCities

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I think there's more to it. He may be using some of that as an excuse. He probably met somebody else. I think most people leave for another person unless it's an abusive relationship or something.

 

Hey Highndry,

 

Thanks for that. That might very well be the case. I know I have to move on but I'm pretty gutted and my ego hurts. But I moved back to Australia yesterday from the last country we were in together, and already have a few job interviews so the future looks a little bright.

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dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

Posted
Posted

I know it's tough, but you need to now stay focused on you and stay away from any contact with him. He may contact you again, but you have to resist. I've had my ego crushed as well but I'm now in a much more loving and stable relationship when 2 years ago I never thought it would be possible. I look back and just see that me and my ex were really not compatible when at the time I thought we were very much so. Amazing what you come to realize about a past relationship once you heal and move forward.

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MovedCities New Member

MovedCities

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UPDATE: So 5 days after he dumped me, my ex just messaged me the following while I was at moving home drinks with my friends yesterday:

"Hey it's been a little bit but I just wanted to see how you were doing and how your move was. I'm not sure how you want this to work; if you don't want me to talk to you for a while. Just let me know I will understand. But I still do care about you, how you doing. Don't think that would ever change. Anyways, just wanted to check in."

 

I haven't bothered to reply, and don't have a desire to. Will keep NC for at least a month to a few more months until I'm ready to move my stuff from his place in Asia.

 

But any thoughts on what he's thinking would be really nice and appreciated.

 

Thanks guys.

Highndry Established Member

Highndry

Posted
Posted (edited)
UPDATE: So 5 days after he dumped me, my ex just messaged me the following while I was at moving home drinks with my friends yesterday:

"Hey it's been a little bit but I just wanted to see how you were doing and how your move was. I'm not sure how you want this to work; if you don't want me to talk to you for a while. Just let me know I will understand. But I still do care about you, how you doing. Don't think that would ever change. Anyways, just wanted to check in."

 

I haven't bothered to reply, and don't have a desire to. Will keep NC for at least a month to a few more months until I'm ready to move my stuff from his place in Asia.

 

But any thoughts on what he's thinking would be really nice and appreciated.

 

Thanks guys.

 

That's the standard contact to alleviate the dumper's guilt, and "feel you out." There is no interest in getting back together or anything else of that nature. I would only reply when you know you want to get your things, and keep it short and to the point.

 

Also, what kind of stuff? Do you really need it? Moving things from Asia to Australia has got to be expensive. Unless the stuff is irreplaceable, I'd just let it go, then you can never speak to him again.

Edited by Highndry
marky00 Established Member

marky00

Posted
Posted (edited)

OP, I'm really sorry to hear your story.

 

 

Your Ex sounds really messed up TBH. I think I know what happened here BUT.

 

 

Sure its very possible there is a 3rd party because his timing is very off. But it's also possible once he got settled into his MBA, his perception of his self-worth grew dramatically, which in turn put you at a disadvantage.

 

 

This kind of thing happens a lot. One partner backs up their SO for years and then once they finally secure the job they wanted, they want out of the relationship.

 

 

This guy is a real *** Hole. Don't ever respond to him and you must go total NC. One day the guilt of what he has done will eat him away inside BUT that will only happen if you leave without a fuss.

 

 

You need to take your things when he is at work and leave. No words should be exchanged. Better still, maybe don't even bother about your stuff. Just vanish. I know its going to be very hard but down the line you will be so proud of yourself that you did that.

 

 

Take care.

Edited by marky00
Almond_Joy Established Member

Almond_Joy

Posted
Posted
My boyfriend of almost-2 years broke up with me just a few days ago and it's pretty soul crushing. We got together Dec 2015 at a really low point in my life when I just left the company I founded. Burnt out and tired of 24/7 work -- I wanted to take an elongated break and just relax. That was when we met.

 

When we met I told him I was both emotionally and financially unstable, that I was thinking of moving back from Asia to Australia to rebuild my career and start fresh. He asked me to stay in the country for him several times. Later, he pursued me relentlessly for a few months and slowly, I fell in love.

 

Despite being very different people, we travelled for months at a time, were happy, and experienced a lot of amazing things together. His mum passed away and so did his best friend, and I became his emotional support.

 

During this time as well, he was taking care of me financially (he offered). Every single time he wanted to go on a trip, he would insist that I accompany him as he didn't want to go alone; that he wanted me around. I would always feel terribly guilty and refuse as I wasn't working and couldn't afford it. He would just brush it off saying that I could pay him back once we moved to another country for his MBA.

 

When he said he wanted to do his MBA, I offered to do LDR so I could go back to Australia and work on myself and earn money to pay him back (I racked up quite the bill). He refused again, and insisted I move countries to be with him. In love and optimistic at a future together (we were making plans to settle and get married in a few years), I moved with him. And the first month was traveling and bliss. Eventually, we settled into routine-- he began his MBA and I took care of the house while job-hunting. Eventually I got a job, he got me a dog for my birthday, and while we were fighting quite often due to the stress of his MBA-- I didn't realise he had begun to resent me for having to take care of everything until my first paycheck came back.

 

His reasoning for the breakup was that he resented me because of the lack of drive I had shown in the past year and a half (which is true as I did become complacent), and he didn't understand why it took moving for me to rebuild my career. My response was that I didn't want to stay in the country, and I only stayed for him--that I helped him get into his MBA program (I wrote the essay that got him 3 acceptances and two scholarships), I helped with his assignments, prepped him for his interviews, did the groceries, ran the house, cooked and packed him food, cleaned, did as much as I could given my lack of finances-- and that I sacrificed my time to stay in one country for him, travel with him as he asked, and then move again because he asked.

 

His view of me had changed and he couldn't feel the same way, and that while I was a great partner and he knew I was the phase of rebuilding myself, he just was so angry that I had been a burden for so long.

 

When I asked him what he would like to do now he said that he needs a woman with a career; I need to go work on myself and that we can "meet back again later."

 

Which I find ridiculous because I sacrified my career to stay with him just as he asked. And when the going became tough and I started to pick myself up again-- he just bailed.

 

I'm angry, hurt, embarassed, insecure, and upset. I've already moved back to Australia and have interviews for work and am looking to get my own place. But the rawness of what just happens really bugs me. To know that I was perfect in every regard but he just never knew my work ethic before and he believes I have a lack of drive really, really sucks.

 

 

Funny - he didn’t complain about you being a burden when you were writing his essay and cooking his meals did he?

 

 

The gall of him to proactively and consistently offer to support you and claim to respect your reset process and then turn around and say that’s all a problem.

 

 

This is gaslighting, and I know it doesn’t feel like it now but it sounds like this is a good thing that happened for you. It’s great you two had fun and got close but he doesn’t sound like someone you could depend on long term to support you or try to respect and understand your decisions.

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