The man I'm seeing told me his girlfriend is pregnant with his second child.

[zoey15]

Hi everyone,

 

This website helped me two years ago when I was seeing an abusive man, so I thought I'd give it a shot again with my situation now. By the way, I left the abusive man!!!

 

Okay this is the situation. I started seeing this man 5 months ago. A month into seeing him, he told me he lived with his girlfriend of eight years. They have a child together. I had a feeling he was involved with someone, but I kinda welcomed it since I have this long distance thing going on right now. I was feeling lonely and a bit upset with my long distance guy, so I used the committed man for comfort.

 

We have spent a lot of time together since we first met and I liked him to a certain point. I know he's practically married, so I never had high expectations for us. I also had my "guy" in a different state, so I couldn't really expect to much from our little ron de vou. It was sex. Really that's all it was, but it was of course the "forbidden sex" so it was incredible.

 

The committed man told me his girlfriend was pregnante.....okay so of course I told him I couldn't speak to him anymore. That was yesterday, and today I feel extremely sad!

 

The question I have is, could I still be friends with this man? We talked a lot & we told each other our problems so it was nice to have someone to vent to and have really good sex with.

 

When I cut him off, he asked if we could just talk as friends. I told him no, but now I regret saying no.

 

What do you think? I miss him a lot, but if he's still coming to me with his problems that would still be a form of cheating, right?

 

I feel selfish, like I want him to call me anyway.

[amberlily]

How would you feel if you were pregnant for the second time with your boyfriend's child and he was out there screwing around on you, having sex with someone else (whose sexual health history is unknown), still wanting to be friends? Would that sit well with you?

 

Are you into sloppy seconds? He's obviously still very sexually involved with his live-in girlfriend, based on the pregnancy. Is that really the best you think you can do - to invest even 5 seconds with a man who's totally disrespecting the mother of his child/child on the way? Aren't there any nice single guys in your area? Why you would want this dog?

 

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

 

And no, you can't just remain "friends" with him - you'll end up back in bed with each other, do you think that's fair to his girlfriend?

 

Find someone decent to be friends with and talk to and spend time with - this loser's surely not the only man on earth.

 

You left one unhealthy abusive relationship and you jumped back into another unhealthy one. Might be an idea to get yourself into some counselling so you can get at the route of why you've got a pattern of getting involved with losers who aren't really "available", who are content to use you, who can't fully love you.

[zoey15]

You are right! I feel extremely bad. I didn't know she was pregnant, but now that I do know I would never want to be treated the way he is treating her. And of course he lied to me about their situation. He said they were having a lot of problems, which I really didn't care about. He was my little secret too.

 

Anyway, the main thing is that I don't want to be treated badly by anyone anymore. This was only five months, which makes things a hell of a lot easier to get away from then if I was more involved.

 

I also feel angry now, because I wonder how many months she is. For all I know, she could've been pregnant the whole time.

 

And about the counseling, your right again. I have been involved with someone long distance. Why? Probably because I'm to scared to have a real commitment. I want out of that situation too, but that's a whole different story.

 

I appreciate all your help. Thanks.

[JPMorgan]

Stop dating for a while and get your life together - counseling is a good start. Then try dating single, unattached men in your local area and don't make any commitments to any of them right away.

[newbby]

i think there are some hangovers from being with very abusive partners that can lead to a commitment phobia, hence the LONG DISTANCE relationship and the relationship with the unavailable mm.

it makes for a very lonely life at times, which is why the relationship with the unavailable mm can become quite addictive.

it is also what happened with me.

i am trying to remain friends with my mm, i cannot tell you if it a good route to go, as i am not far enough through it that i have the wisdom of hindsight.

i can tell you that in all the time that we have been friends (about 6 months), we only slipped up once by sleeping together, i can also tell you that it is still painful for me and i feel hurt if he doesnt want to talk etc. however, i was very in love with him, i dont know if you also feel this way.

[zoey15]

I just got myself catch up in a whole lot of ****!! So much for the last post. I was so mad and very upset with him, but yet I still contacted him and we spent time with each other last night.

 

Of course this was to my advantage, because I was having problems with the long distance guy so it was easy to use the MM for comfort.

 

I wonder if I can just keep using him for my advantage?

 

I feel happy with him!

[ww]

The man I'm seeing told me his girlfriend is pregnant with his second child

 

and the man I was seeing behaves like a 15 years old kid.

 

 

They are all the same I guess:lmao:

 

 

And NO you are not BAD...just walk away

[zoey15]

I can't walk away, that's why I feel so bad! It's like we're using eachother for our own selfish reasons.

[newbby]

all well and good until the balance tips.

[zoey15]

that is true, but i don't feel like I love him.

 

I know you said you love your MM, which i'm sure makes it very hard.

 

Do you want your MM? If he were to give up his wife for you, would you take him in?

 

I wouldn't, **** I wouldn't even want his situation to change with his live in girlfriend cause then what? I'd have to put up with his crap.

 

I wouldn't want it.

 

I'd don't have high expectations from this man. I would never completely want him either. He's a different race, very opionated, and my dad and brothers wouldn't like him around.

 

Also, he has a child w/ one on the way. That's a lot of baggage he'd be carring around if he were to become single again.

 

Did you feel this way when you first met yours? Am I just fooling myself? Will I become this woman who will just want him and only wish for him to tell me he'd want to be w/ me? I hope and pray I don't, but just curious if you felt that way in the beginning with your MM at first?

[newbby]

i never wanted him to leave her for me in reality because of the pressure and complications, at the same time i was also in love with him. however, i didnt have the balance you do now, since you are also with somebody else.

i cannot answer your question. if you are quite sure youre not in love with him then that must be the case. on the other hand, why are you asking the question, you must have some amount of vunerability there.

the other thing, if you are not in love with him, then why continue with it at all?

[whichwayisup]

Seems going from one man (LD) and getting involved with man who is with somebody else with kid (s) is not making your life any easier.

 

Think about seeking some therapy, especially if you recently got out of an abusive relationship, you may not be ready for something real...You even mentioned that too, scared of committment so the LD guy and the taken guy are two examples of not really ready for something serious. I bring up therapy because you may need to learn how to be happy with you. Be alone and be happy alone. You don't need a man to complete you or make you feel like a wonderful person! YOU are that person!!!

 

Sadly, because the history now between you and taken guy being friends isn't right. Not to his girlfriend, not to his kids and definately not fair to you. DON'T BE second best! You want to be first, but with the right guy when the right time comes along! When you're really ready. Hope this makes sense to you.

 

By staying friends with him, the feelings will still be there. You're gonna hurt more and put yourself through some unnecessary pain that really can be avoided.

 

He probably knows this too, but from where he sits (I don't mean this to sound harsh...) he has two women in his life, why would he want to give that up? He may not be married to this woman but having 2 children with someone says alot.

 

Keep posting and I do hope that you can sort through your feelings.

[zoey15]

i more then likely won't seek professional help. It would be nice, but i really don't have the time or the money.

 

U are right, but yet I still don't want to end things just yet.

 

I know that there will be hurt feelings, but i won't be the only one hurting. He will hurt to.

 

If anything he's really helping me get through a hard time right now, so I'm actually being selfish and using him to help me.

 

I also want to make it clear that it's only a sexual relationship. If I meet someone that I like, the MM is not going to stop me from getting to know my new interest.

 

The MM will be used again for that situation, because then I won't have sex with the new guy for a long time. I won't need to cause MM is taking care of that department.

 

Isn't it okay to use him? He's using me.

 

Oh let me clarify just "sexual relationship".

 

We talk, he tells me his stories about every day life (when we talk, cause it's not every day) and I don't ask more about him then he tells me. I don't want to know details, and I don't tell him a whole lot about myself either.

 

I just want him to satisfy me sexually.

[whichwayisup]

Isn't it okay to use him? He's using me.

 

Guess I don't understand that logic, but if each of you are just after sex, no strings, no attachments and it's a known factor, Ok then. To me it's like, what's the point? Find some good sex with a single guy then...If that is all you're after. There is no love so again, what is the point?

[whyohwhy]

My thoughts....??

 

Just be glad you're not the gf, because you have a relatively easy exit from this mess. She doesn't.

 

Oh...and no, once you have been lovers, the friend thing just isn't gonna work. If one or both of you think it will, it just shows how off base your thought process is.

[RecordProducer]

Talking is not cheating, but it sounds like it would be an emotional affair for a few weeks then sex will happen again.

[zoey15]

What's the point? The point is if I find a single guy willing to do that, then I have higher expectations from him. I will start fantisizing about the day he will be watching football w/ my dad or chillin w/ my brothers.

 

Or the day he'll be asking me to be his "offical" lady. Come on you have to know how that goes.

 

And I'm not saying I don't want that one of these days, but all I meet are guys with kids and that's the last type of guy I want to get serious with.

 

With MM, he's fufulling my needs yet w/ no strings. He knows this and likes it a lot. Well maybe it's what whyohwhy says "I have an easy way out of the mess".

 

You're right I should feel bad for the gf, but I don't. God, I'm really bad aren't I?

 

Of course it doesn't help when MM tells me lies (probably) about how much they fight, and I'm his excape from his supposedly misery.

 

And I love to spoil him when he's around! Cook for him, give him massages, listens to his problems, etc.

 

I'm also trying not to get serious with the wrong guy again like I have in the past, so jumping into a sexual relationship with a single guy might cause heartache on me.

 

I don't know, this is complicated at times when I really think about it. Although I feel bad for not being able to feel bad for the gf. Like I know what the right thing to do is leave him the hell alone, but I don't; and I don't feel bad for doing that.

[newbby]

it sounds as though you are kidding yourself about not having feelings for him.

i dont think many women can have a long term sexual relationship without having feelings.

[zoey15]

of course i have feelings for him, but i don't love him and i'm hopeing that i can somehow keep him seperate from a real love interest.

 

i don't know if i will end up having a huge amount of feelings for him later, i'm just explaining my feelings now.

 

i do know that i wouldn't even want this guy is he was available. we are two different people all together. it wouldn't work even if he was single.

 

we both talked about it and know that. My family would never except him because he's black.