arghitsmira Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 (edited) This is a long rollercoaster. Please bare with me i really need help. FYI I am a 17 year old girl. I’m really afraid people will tell me that I shouldn’t care about this bc it seems to only be a“high school love” but please don’t invalidate my emotions bc I am in high school. So, I’m basically seeking a way to blow this fog out of my head bc everything feels unclear. I fell in love with this boy. Before him, I could never date guys bc I always felt so uncomfortable. We’d hang out after school at 3 and I’d beg my mother to pick me up by 5 bc I never felt comfortable. It felt like going to a strangers house and calling him my boyfriend. I soon determined I might be gay bc of this but I still constantly questioned. My mind would always interrogate me and I was never free from figuring my identity out. I knew this boy who was new the year before. He and I knew each other but never really spoke. One day, one year ago yesterday, we hung out with a friend of ours. Some how, I found out he liked me and I decided to give it a shot. However, I was afraid I’d feel nothing and hurt him. Something told me to jump in though and I did. It was like when we began dating I forgot about my problems with my identity. I was becoming comfortable very quickly and I started to feel connected as souls not gendered people. I felt so comfortable and connected with him within a mere two weeks that the only uncomfortable feelings were becoming sexually comfortable. I felt a connection with him that made it feel like it was us and the world. It felt like our hearts beat at the same time and like we were on the same physical and emotional level no one else shared. I stopped caring about things like “oh but he’s a boy, how can I love a boy...or a girl. I cant love anyone really.” I was in love with him and I felt unbelievably happy and fearless. It never felt like a high school relationship. It felt like something I really wanted to fight for to keep. Now, we hung out ALL the time. I admit, it was unhealthy. He was sick for three days and I didn’t seem him and I cried. I was indeed attached and I knew I should try to distance myself every now and then. I was so happy with this routine of hanging out everyday after school. We could just do nothing for hours and the time would go by extremely quickly. It was just easy to be with him. I know it wasn’t just physical love bc I remember driving alone and just smiling thinking of him. When we were apart I’d write him a paragraph before bed bc the passion in my heart was too difficult to contain. He was my best friend and partner and I wanted him in my life for the rest of my life. After 7 months, in June, he went to Puerto Rico for a month to see his family. I was extremely sad and my heart felt empty when he left but I hung out with my dad a lot and I was okay for the month. At the end of the month I got my licenses, a job and a car. Suddenly, or routine was to change. He came back and we were to go to Ocean city five days afternoon his return. I was very ecstatic to see him. Then it began. While we drove, it was night and I had switched places with his mother to drive (it was a 14 hr drive). He was asleep in the backseat. I suddenly got the question in my head “what if you dont love him” I felt my heart drop and instantaneously began to deny such absurd accusations. I knew in my heart how much I loved him. It was just so sudden. The connection was so strong between us it couldn’t just break! But for the first few days I just felt distant. I felt alone like the levels we once stood on were at different heights. I tried to desperately search reprieves. I think one mistake was i didn’t tell him i was feeling distant, just sad right away. That’s made me feel more alone in my head. After a few days, the distance went away and I was okay. But as we returned home, the feeling came back. It made me feel distant and like I couldn’t remember what being connected felt like. I battled it in my head everyday at work and would cry in his arms at night. My mind was never free from the incessant thought of feeling distant. This has gone on all the way till october. Ive thought and thought fo reasons why. I developed an anxiety that tells me unnecessary fears. Doubts id never believe in a rational state of mind. What i feel now is awful. I sit in his room which once felt so familiar. A room id been in for a year. It feels like our past is hazy. I feel distant and when i look at him i recognize him but sometimes it feels like hes a stranger and other times its not as extreme. I know i dont want to lose him. I just want to feel normal. I love him but i feel like im not as in love with him due to not stopping this anxiety for three month. I truly believe i was lucky enough to meet my soul mate this early on and i never want to experience love with anyone but him. He is so amazing. I am very stressful and anxious. He is very rational and logicsl. He balances me out. I love his passions for stories and song. I love hid relationship with his brother. I love his eyes and their color. I love the connection we had that made me feel so comfortable and calm. I never want that with anyone else. Its been so long since ive felt normal. I just want to feel connected. I dont want to breakup. I want to fight for this. I have felt the lowest of this depression where it felt like nothing has ever happened between us and like a connection never occured. It hurts and i heard in my head over and over “i dont love you anymore.” But despite hearing this in my head, something STILL didnt want to give up. I would regret ruining something so special and significant in my life. I just want to be better. I want to stop criticizing every day anf every emotion that runs through my head. I have so many doubts and fears that i would have never thought were rational before this. I really dont want to lose him. Doesnt that mean something? I dont know what im asking here. For hope? Someone who feels the same? Hopefully an answer. I know with all my heart i want to experience life with him. I dont want to lose what i felt or him. How do i stop this. I cant take this pain anymore. Edit: its a day later since i wrote this. I have such a terrible anxious feeling in my chest. I do still love him. I want a future with him and to make him happy. But this morning I felt so out of love. Im having an anxiety attack and I dont want to lose him. Im so scared this all feels like a nightmare. Is there anyway out of this. If I still love him and want a future can i fix this. Im so scared because I never want to lose him and he’s the most amazing person. Someone please help me (Any typo is bc im on my phone and idk i guess i cant type) Edited October 17, 2017 by arghitsmira 1
mikeylo Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 Where is he? Are you broken up or still together? Or is it just your anxiety here? Speak to your school counsellor ?
Gaeta Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 I am very sorry you are going through this roller-coaster of emotions. It's not easy to experience love and lost of love for the first time. What you are feeling is normal and we all feel that way when we are slowly falling out of love with someone. Everyone coming into our life has taught us something about ourselves but it doesn't mean they are meant to stay with us forever. I believe you are ready to fly with your own wings now to the next phase of your life. No, there is no way or reviving feelings that have expired. It's life. Sometimes feelings last forever but sometimes they die after 1 year or 20 years, there is nothing to do but to accept it's life and something else is waiting for us. Your life will be filled with 'hellos' and 'good byes'. You've just experienced your first ones that's why it's so difficult. I assure you it's normal and you'll be just fine. It's time to break up and go on to the next phase of your life.
olivetree Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 Based on what you've written, I think there are two likely possibilities here. In the time apart, you did just fine without him, and I think that has made you question your feelings for him. 1) Your anxiety is overwhelming any feelings of love. You aren't able to be in touch with the love you have for him because you are occupied with feeling fear. Stop pressuring yourself to feel in love with him and focus on giving him love. The feelings will follow. 2) You can no longer deny that you are not that romantically attracted to him, at least anymore. Sorry if I've confused anything but it sounded like you didn't know your orientation. Is it possible you're not overly attracted to men, or at least this man? Or that you mistook feeling comfortable and connected with someone as love? 3) You've simply outgrown him. Only you know in your heart which answer is more likely. Then again, sometimes it takes experience with various relationships and partners to really know ourselves. 2
d0nnivain Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 Emotions are not a function of age. You feel what you feel. Unfortunately at 17 you don't have the experience of time to give you perspective on things. You are growing, learning & changing every day & that is wonderful. As part of that process your feelings change. What was once so important diminishes in importance over time. Your world opened a bit when you had to survive without him for a month while he was away; and when you got your driver's license. While this relationship had its good points, it may simply be over. That happens. Few people meet their soul mates at your age. When it's time to transition to college its tough to stay connected to your high school SO. Give yourself a break. You are not required to figure out your whole live before you are old enough to vote 3
Author arghitsmira Posted October 17, 2017 Author Posted October 17, 2017 We're still together. I should have mentioned due to his patience and own love for me, he is waiting and supporting me. I hate feeling upset when we hang out because all. I will remember is being upset with him. Its not fair.
d0nnivain Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 Why are you still together? Is it because you are reluctant to hurt his feelings? That is a poor reason to stay with someone. Even though love isn't logical try making lists about his good points / reasons to stay together and his bad points / reasons to be apart. Years & years ago a famous advice columnist, Ann Landers, https://www.nytimes.com/topic/person/ann-landers used to famously ask people who sought her advice about relationships to think long and hard about whether they would be better off with that other person or without them. I invite you to think about that. It should give you the answer. Do consider discussing your feelings & concerns with your own mom. Mom's have more wisdom then most teenaged girls realize. Best wishes.
Author arghitsmira Posted October 17, 2017 Author Posted October 17, 2017 I have established with myself I want to stay with him because he makes me extremely happy and I want to make him happy in life as well. I feel deep in my heart that I can have a future with him and I want to experience it with him. I do not want to stay with him because I don't want to hurt him. I dont want to stay with him because I am afraid I'll never find anyone else. I truly want him for himself.
smackie9 Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 You can still be friends when the love fades. In time your emotions will settle down and will be OK if you two are not a couple anymore. I'm still friends with my ex from when I was 16. We are in our early 50's and still hang our for a lunch or a chat once in awhile even tho we have moved on with our lives with other people. I think with more time and experience you will understand how this all works, and that you can and will move on. People, lovers and friends will come an go in your life....and with that sometimes it will hurt the heart. This is how we grow and grow up. 1
Gaeta Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 I have established with myself I want to stay with him because he makes me extremely happy and I want to make him happy in life as well. I feel deep in my heart that I can have a future with him and I want to experience it with him. I do not want to stay with him because I don't want to hurt him. I dont want to stay with him because I am afraid I'll never find anyone else. I truly want him for himself. You will discover that those feelings you are experiencing, wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone, wanting to make them happy, you will feel those more than once in your life. You need to feel those though with someone you are in love with, not with someone you are in-like with. In your life you will fall in love more than once. We all feel like we're not gonna meet someone else again but it's simple fear of the unknown paralyzing us. We always meet someone that makes us even MORE in love. As we get older we feel deeper and better. You have nothing to worry about falling in love again. 1
Author arghitsmira Posted October 17, 2017 Author Posted October 17, 2017 I really think its #1. I fear of losing him because of this and that I cant control i when i feel that this wouldnt have happened for multiple reasons. Everyone here is saying to breakup but I just cant find it in my heart to see that thats right. Im afraid im a delusional teenager but I just really believe I cant give up. I think the fear is preventing me from giving love
smackie9 Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 How ever you want to see it, sorry to say but nothing is forever even tho at your age, that is how you feel. If you want to still hang out with him by all means carry on and now worry about it. Simply enjoy the here and now, not the what if.
Author arghitsmira Posted October 17, 2017 Author Posted October 17, 2017 But I just don't want to fall in love with anyone else. I feel there is something still here for us. Maybe its true I could love someone else in the future but I really dont want anyone other than him. I fell in love with him and his personality. I wanthim in my life and I want to fight for this. There has to be something to this other than we simply breakup. I am not attached to the idea of him. I do not want to stay in fear I wont love anyone else or be comfortable. I do not stay because he is my first love. He could be third fourth or twelfth and it would feel to be the best. I do not think I'm in like or completely out of love. I
olivetree Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 I really think its #1. I fear of losing him because of this and that I cant control i when i feel that this wouldnt have happened for multiple reasons. Everyone here is saying to breakup but I just cant find it in my heart to see that thats right. Im afraid im a delusional teenager but I just really believe I cant give up. I think the fear is preventing me from giving love Sometimes when people have anxiety and fear of being close, being separated for a period of time can make people feel a bit numb. It's just another way separation anxiety (a term in psychology) can manifest. What concerns me is that this has been going on for months now, with no reprieve. Sometimes just sharing how you are feeling is enough to make the feelings go away so it's not just all in your head eating you up anymore. But it sounds like you've already shared with him. You may need to take a bit of space to give yourself time to think and take the pressure off. Like I said before though, if this is an anxiety thing, GIVE LOVE whether you feel like it or not, and stop worrying about what you're feeling. Worrying about what you're feeling is a love-killer.
mikeylo Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 I agree with Olivetree. You need to Give Love. Just love whatever you like about him. There is no more pleasure and satisfaction than giving.
Gaeta Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 What i feel now is awful. I sit in his room which once felt so familiar. A room id been in for a year. It feels like our past is hazy. I feel distant and when i look at him i recognize him but sometimes it feels like hes a stranger It is what it is, accept it. You are falling out of love. You are looking for explanations when there is none. You feel awful, your words. You feel a distance, your words. You feel he's a stranger, your words. Listen to yourself. If you want to test it all I have a solution. Tell him you want a break and be on your own for a couple of weeks. Lets say till Halloween. Then observe how you feel, do you feel relieved, do you feel the pressure is off, and listen to yourself, stop fighting back what your body and mind are telling you!
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