JEG88 Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 So my girlfriend asked me something last night, and it has had me thinking since then. Apparently, one of her exes from a few years ago is sorta dating/sorta FWB with her best friend. Her friend wants it to become a relationship, but the guy seems to be disinterested in committing and (so my GF told me based on her experience dating him) a bit of a player. For a bit of context, my GF's friend has also been known to sleep around. She went shopping with her friend yesterday, and the friend asked my GF if she would be okay if a relationship did arise with this guy (my GF's ex.) She said she was because she's long over him, but then her friend asked her a follow up: If my GF would be okay if the guy were to ask her about her best friend, for example on gift ideas or other stuff like that related to the relationship. My GF then asked me later that same day if I would be okay with that, and I told her I wanted to think about it a bit. I trust my GF, but I don't trust the guy at all. (I don't know him, but from what she's told me he doesn't seem trustworthy at all.) And if he were to talk to my GF about relationship stuff? Who knows what he might try with his player tendencies. My gut is telling me to say I'm not okay with it and I wouldn't want her talking to him at all, except maybe in a cordial group setting when I'm also with her. I suppose my questions are: - What is the best way to phrase my thoughts so it doesn't come off as if I don't trust her or I'm trying to control her? I just don't trust the guy is all, I'm not looking to be over her shoulder about it all the time. - Am I being unreasonable with my thoughts? I realize it's a hypothetical situation, but still. Advice appreciated and thanks in advance.
Gaeta Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 (edited) I realize it's a hypothetical situation, but still. Advice appreciated and thanks in advance. You probably meant hypocritical situation right? Listen, there is no such a thing I trust my GF I just don't trust that guy. That's typical of controlling men to think that way. You trust your GF or you don't, which is it? She's a grown woman and more than capable of blocking this man's suggestions. Do you trust her to do that? If no, then no you don't trust your GF. You don't like it because you see him as competition. You don't beleive your GF when she says it's over. Or you think she's a raggy-doll unable to think and reject his advances.? Only when I joined this board I learn exs were something to be afraid of. In my culture we don't care. We can be friends, we can visit each other's family, we can date the ex's friends and their sister if you wish. There is no drama around any of it. I can understand it's different in your culture but to me it sures looks like you like drama. Edited October 17, 2017 by Gaeta 2
Author JEG88 Posted October 17, 2017 Author Posted October 17, 2017 You probably meant hypocritical situation right? Listen, there is no such a thing I trust my GF I just don't trust that guy. That's typical of controlling men to think that way. You trust your GF or you don't, which is it? She's a grown woman and more than capable of blocking this man's suggestions. Do you trust her to do that? If no, then no you don't trust your GF. You don't like it because you see him as competition. You don't beleive your GF when she says it's over. Or you think she's a raggy-doll unable to think and reject his advances.? Only when I joined this board I learn exs were something to be afraid of. In my culture we don't care. We can be friends, we can visit each other's family, we can date the ex's friends and their sister if you wish. There is no drama around any of it. I can understand it's different in your culture but to me it sures looks like you like drama. I'm a very drama-less person, I avoid it at all costs when I can. And as you said, cultural differences often mean differences in perspective. But you do give me things to think about in general. I'm not worried about her rejecting any potential advances, my trust in my GF is at face value as I said above. I'm worried about the issues the guy could cause if he does try something and is persistent/bothersome about it. And if he makes a bigger deal about it not just with my GF and/or her best friend, but our larger circle of friends if he starts dating the best friend and hanging out with us. I've seen this type of situation in the past ruin friendships/acquaintances/groups, so I am wary based on experience. Maybe conflict-avoidance if you will, and I'm picky about people I trust as friends too.
Imajerk17 Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 Whom your girlfriend's FRIEND decides to date is frankly none of your business OP. If this situation does come to be, maybe you can then talk about how much time the 4 of you spend together. But until then, not your circus not your monkeys. 1
Author JEG88 Posted October 17, 2017 Author Posted October 17, 2017 Who your girlfriend's FRIEND decides to date is frankly none of your business OP. If this situation does come to be, you can then talk about how much time the 4 of you spend together. But until then, not your circus not your monkeys. That wasn't the point of my questions. Not about letting her friend date him, that's up to her. It's about whether I'm comfortable with my GF talking to this guy about said relationship details if it does come to be.
Gaeta Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 I'm not worried about her rejecting any potential advances, my trust in my GF is at face value as I said above. I'm worried about the issues the guy could cause if he does try something and is persistent/bothersome about it. Ok lets break this down. If he tries something then what? 1) your girlfriend tells him to get lost 2) if he doesn't listen once she tells you and you tell him to get lost I am not sure how he could be persistant and bothersome? as in your girlfriend let him grab her, call her and she says nothing? So we're back at trusting your gf to do the right thing, right? he starts dating the best friend and hanging out with us. I've seen this type of situation in the past ruin friendships/acquaintances/groups, so I am wary based on experience. I don't see a problem with that if you are a drama-free man. Do you think it's something that will matter in 10 years? How long did he date your gf?
Author JEG88 Posted October 17, 2017 Author Posted October 17, 2017 I am not sure how he could be persistant and bothersome? as in your girlfriend let him grab her, call her and she says nothing? So we're back at trusting your gf to do the right thing, right? Persistent as in I tell him off and he keeps trying regardless. Or he takes it out on my GF's friend or the group. Bothersome first to my GF and subsequently by extension is what I worry about I suppose. At least in terms of how it could affect my GF, her best friend or our other friends. Sort of like a bad apple spoiling the bunch. I don't see a problem with that if you are a drama-free man. Do you think it's something that will matter in 10 years? How long did he date your gf? With time, I agree people can prove their character otherwise. But I admit I would certainly be watchful and skeptical of him at first. They dated for around 6 months a few years back, and she was subjected to his player tendencies back then too. (Apparently he hasn't changed since then either.)
coolheadal Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 Why would you think he would change? He's player for one.. She shouldn't get involved for her girl friend sake by contacting the ex to bring up things she has already forgot about him. Never a good move on her part to contact him. 1
Gaeta Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 They dated for around 6 months a few years back, and she was subjected to his player tendencies back then too. (Apparently he hasn't changed since then either.) OH Goodness JEG88!! They dated 6 months about 4 years ago !! That means nothing, that doesn't even count as a bf! it's a drop in the ocean. I can't even remember the full names of all the men I dated a few months. You imagine all kinds of drama that rarely happens. You describe it as if he could turn into a stalker to your gf, her family and friends. You're way ahead of yourself and borderline paranoid. 2
Author JEG88 Posted October 17, 2017 Author Posted October 17, 2017 OH Goodness JEG88!! They dated 6 months about 4 years ago !! That means nothing, that doesn't even count as a bf! it's a drop in the ocean. I can't even remember the full names of all the men I dated a few months. You imagine all kinds of drama that rarely happens. You describe it as if he could turn into a stalker to your gf, her family and friends. You're way ahead of yourself and borderline paranoid. Indeed, paranoia hit me when she asked about the situation. And there's certainly an irrational train of thought going through my head with it all. I suppose I should have expected that to happen since it's only a hypothetical, and one can project anything he can think of onto a future situation yet to happen. In the end, I just don't want this guy (especially with his history) to have a negative impact on parties involved. I guess I like to think of it as a sense of protectiveness, maybe it's some kind of subconscious desire to control outcomes. As I calm down about it I do realize it's not something I can control because my GF's friend is an adult making her own decisions, as are our friends who would be hanging out with him.
Miss Spider Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 (edited) her friend asked her a follow up: If my GF would be okay if the guy were to ask her about her best friend, for example on gift ideas or other stuff like that related to the relationship. My GF then asked me later that same day if I would be okay with that, and I told her I wanted to think about it a bit. . lol. This is a waste of time to even think about. The guys a player. Come to your gf for relationship and gift-giving advice???? lol In what universe would that happen? Why your gf would even bring this up to you instead of just shrugging it off is what's weird to me. Maybe it'll be awkward when he and her friend start getting serious and she's around....IDK but I hope she's not sincerely considering he's coming to her for relationship advice. Edited October 17, 2017 by Cookiesandough 2
basil67 Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 (edited) Anyway, this whole question of yours is comprised of things which may never happen. Don't make a problem where none exists. Sit back and see where it goes. Given that he doesn't seem that interested in the friend, he may be out of your life soon again anyway. Edited October 17, 2017 by basil67 1
basil67 Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 You probably meant hypocritical situation right? No, he meant hypothetical. The only thing that is happening is that his GF's friend is kind of dating the GF's ex. The rest is a cocktail of "what ifs"
Gaeta Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 No, he meant hypothetical. The only thing that is happening is that his GF's friend is kind of dating the GF's ex. The rest is a cocktail of "what ifs" I thought it was hypocrite of him to give a long explanation why he wants to control his GF, control his GF's friend, control some guy his GF dated 4 years ago and then at the end says he's not at all the controlling type.
kendahke Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 I trust my GF, but But nothing. You don't trust your girlfriend. If you did this wouldn't have been your qualifier: I don't trust the guy at all. You're saying she doesn't have the good sense to remember that she's in a relationship with you and will be easily led by this ex. That sounds like distrust and paranoia to me. She'd have to discount your relationship or forget she was in a relationship with you to give him entre and allow herself to take off down that path in order for him to gain that sort of a foothold with her.
kendahke Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 (edited) Persistent as in I tell him off and he keeps trying regardless. Or he takes it out on my GF's friend or the group. Bothersome first to my GF and subsequently by extension is what I worry about I suppose. At least in terms of how it could affect my GF, her best friend or our other friends. Sort of like a bad apple spoiling the bunch. she was subjected to his player tendencies back then too. (Apparently he hasn't changed since then either.) Tell him off? TF? Why would he take anything out on your girlfriend if he's the player type who doesn't want to be pinned down? If anyone is going to take anything out on your girlfriend, it's her girl. He's not the one who broached the subject of your girlfriend helping him select gifts for her friend: she is. She's building an artificial construct and that has got you twisting yourself up with speculation. First off, he may never get with this chick in a serious way. Just because she's living in the future and picking the china patterns doesn't mean his mind is anywhere near there, yet you're right there with her, living in a future built around him that hasn't even been set into motion and most likely never will. Edited October 17, 2017 by kendahke 1
olivetree Posted October 17, 2017 Posted October 17, 2017 Even IF this guy is moves past FWB with this girl, he's not likely to be asking for gift-giving advice. Don't know many guys who do that at all. All I see is a gf trying to get your knickers in a knot. 2
Author JEG88 Posted November 9, 2017 Author Posted November 9, 2017 Update: My GF and I went to a birthday party for one of her friends last Friday. My girlfriend's BFF and this ex player guy were there, all touchy-feely and dancing together. The BFF was trying to show off and force us the four of us to interact, but I stepped away with my GF any time she tried. I wasn't having it. Fast forward to today, I called my GF during my morning drive to work. She says she talked to her BFF about the situation. Apparently, the BFF wants this player guy to be a close, permanent part of their social circle even if they don't end up dating. (Yeah, as if being friends with this guy and seeing him regularly when I hang out with my GF's circle is on my wish list.) The first thought I had was this f-ing beotch is just trying to create drama. Apparently she's toxic in a lot of other areas of their social circle, so it comes as no surprise. I don't know, maybe she's jealous, lonely, or envious of my GF and me being together. (They had been BFFs and single together for a long time before I started dating my GF.) But I am not okay whatsoever at regularly being around this guy in whatever capacity, whether dating the BFF or as a close part of the social circle. And my GF knows this and has told the BFF this. Any thoughts on how I can approach this situation with the BFF? It doesn't sound like she's letting this go, which apart from being disrespectful of me and my GF, I can see a discussion coming at some point where she gets irrational and tries to pull some other BS.
kassy Posted November 9, 2017 Posted November 9, 2017 Sorry I'm confused. How is her dating a guy disrespectful to you and your girlfriend????!!!!! Get over yourself, you are creating an entire situation here. Just be a grown up and engage with the guy on a superficial level and then engage more with the other friends you like. It isn't even your social circle, it's your girlfriends! Just because the bff wants him to be a friend. Doesn't mean he will want to when the sex ends. He might if he enjoys seeing how much he can get under your skin! Do not talk to the BFF about this, let her live her own life this has literally nothing to do with you! Stop creating drama and stop being so threatened by this guy! Trust your girlfriend until there is actual (not made up in your head) reasons not to. How old are you? How long have you dated your girlfriend? 1
Author JEG88 Posted November 9, 2017 Author Posted November 9, 2017 Sorry I'm confused. How is her dating a guy disrespectful to you and your girlfriend????!!!!! Get over yourself, you are creating an entire situation here. Just be a grown up and engage with the guy on a superficial level and then engage more with the other friends you like. It isn't even your social circle, it's your girlfriends! Just because the bff wants him to be a friend. Doesn't mean he will want to when the sex ends. He might if he enjoys seeing how much he can get under your skin! Do not talk to the BFF about this, let her live her own life this has literally nothing to do with you! Stop creating drama and stop being so threatened by this guy! Trust your girlfriend until there is actual (not made up in your head) reasons not to. How old are you? How long have you dated your girlfriend? I'm 12, and we've been dating for 3 days. Now, in seriousness: If you read and actually understood my update, I don't care if she just dates the guy in her own life. The part that makes me uncomfortable is that she is being stubborn about forcing the interactions between the four of us. She's wishing we'll be all buddy-buddy going on double dates all the time. And now that she's seeing/dating the guy more regularly, it's becoming more of a reality that I'll have to face. I have no contact with any of my exes, and I communicated/requested to my GF that I wouldn't want to be around any of hers either. I don't feel that that is unreasonable at all, and from the discussion we had about it, she agreed. I also didn't say that I will seek out the BFF to talk. I said that I can see this discussion coming to a head about the BFF forcing the issue and interaction going forward.
Poutrew Posted November 9, 2017 Posted November 9, 2017 I can see it from your point of view, OP. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near a guy who had been inside my GF's v-jay-jay before I entered the picture. What would we have to talk about? I can just imagine the convo: "So JEG, old buddy, does Tammy-sue still squirt and scream when she climaxes? I can tell you stories..." Nope, no way. To me it sounds like your girlfriend's friend is a skank who is using this player to break you and your gf up... IF your gf can't see what is really going on here and drop her toxic friend, your own relationship is eventually going to implode...
coolheadal Posted November 9, 2017 Posted November 9, 2017 So my girlfriend asked me something last night, and it has had me thinking since then. Apparently, one of her exes from a few years ago is sorta dating/sorta FWB with her best friend. Her friend wants it to become a relationship, but the guy seems to be disinterested in committing and (so my GF told me based on her experience dating him) a bit of a player. For a bit of context, my GF's friend has also been known to sleep around. She went shopping with her friend yesterday, and the friend asked my GF if she would be okay if a relationship did arise with this guy (my GF's ex.) She said she was because she's long over him, but then her friend asked her a follow up: If my GF would be okay if the guy were to ask her about her best friend, for example on gift ideas or other stuff like that related to the relationship. My GF then asked me later that same day if I would be okay with that, and I told her I wanted to think about it a bit. I trust my GF, but I don't trust the guy at all. (I don't know him, but from what she's told me he doesn't seem trustworthy at all.) And if he were to talk to my GF about relationship stuff? Who knows what he might try with his player tendencies. My gut is telling me to say I'm not okay with it and I wouldn't want her talking to him at all, except maybe in a cordial group setting when I'm also with her. I suppose my questions are: - What is the best way to phrase my thoughts so it doesn't come off as if I don't trust her or I'm trying to control her? I just don't trust the guy is all, I'm not looking to be over her shoulder about it all the time. - Am I being unreasonable with my thoughts? I realize it's a hypothetical situation, but still. Advice appreciated and thanks in advance. Good you trust your girl friend but you don't trust the guy. That's correct, we men think like this. No controlling to the effect. You have to trust and let her do the right thing with out you trying too intervene. Even if her girl friend like to sleep around that's no concern to you. The ex boy friend just in it for sex. Just have to trust your girl friend and the guy has nothing to do with your current relationship with her. He's her past you weren't around back then so stay out of it!
kassy Posted November 9, 2017 Posted November 9, 2017 I'm 12, and we've been dating for 3 days. Now, in seriousness: If you read and actually understood my update, I don't care if she just dates the guy in her own life. The part that makes me uncomfortable is that she is being stubborn about forcing the interactions between the four of us. She's wishing we'll be all buddy-buddy going on double dates all the time. And now that she's seeing/dating the guy more regularly, it's becoming more of a reality that I'll have to face. I have no contact with any of my exes, and I communicated/requested to my GF that I wouldn't want to be around any of hers either. I don't feel that that is unreasonable at all, and from the discussion we had about it, she agreed. I also didn't say that I will seek out the BFF to talk. I said that I can see this discussion coming to a head about the BFF forcing the issue and interaction going forward. Well you sound about 15 so I was off a few years. In my opinion you are walking a thin line. This is not your girlfriends decision to bring this guy into the circle. You want her to tell her BFF not to date her ex because you don't like it... that's clearly going to go well. It doesn't sound serious, just wait it out. I still don't see the drama here. She dated him for 6 months 4 years ago and now her friend is FWB with him and you're upset. Get over it. If your girlfriend was bringing him into the group fine, then expect to have a conversation and her stop it. She isn't. I don't understand how you can be so threatened by this. You would be my ex boyfriend in no time if you carried on creating drama for dramas sake 1
Tribble Posted November 9, 2017 Posted November 9, 2017 You need to realise you can't control everything, you can only control yourself. You certainly can't control your gfs BFF, or this 'player' guy, or her group of friends. Although I don't have a strict no ex policy, I can understand why people want one and it's good that you established your expectations early. HOWEVER, your gf isn't breaking this rule. She isn't keeping in touch with the ex or dragging him into the friendship group. You have to be more flexible or you will ruin your relationship. The ex is around for now and it doesn't sound like any boundaries have been crossed. For all you know, once he gets tired of the BFF, he'll be on his merry way. I think you have every right to say you don't want to hang out as a foursome (although part of me says just suck it up to prevent drama from forming) but you have no say in who the BFF dates or who is in the friendship group. Frankly, this happened so long ago, why does it even matter? You sound very threatened and like you want to control this situation. At this point, it's a none situation. I would be very unimpressed if my best friends BF started trying to control who I dated or was friends with because he may have to come into contact with them. Everyone is an adult in this situation and should be able to control their own actions. Regardless of what this 'player' does, if you can't trust your GF to hold her own, you have bigger problems. And I don't see anywhere where this guy has overstepped the mark. What makes you think he'll take a pass? Why would he cause drama and bother?? 2
Gaeta Posted November 9, 2017 Posted November 9, 2017 Update: My GF and I went to a birthday party for one of her friends last Friday. My girlfriend's BFF and this ex player guy were there, all touchy-feely and dancing together. The BFF was trying to show off and force us the four of us to interact, Assumption, who cares what they were trying to do, you're suppose to concentrate on your GF not what others are trying to do or not. but I stepped away with my GF any time she tried. I wasn't having it. Juvenile. You were not having what exaxtly? The BFF was trying to have the 4 of you to interact, why is that so horrible? I would expect a new boyfriend of mine to be civil toward an ex, not becoming friend but to be civil. It shows good character. Fast forward to today, I called my GF during my morning drive to work. She says she talked to her BFF about the situation. Apparently, the BFF wants this player guy to be a close, permanent part of their social circle even if they don't end up dating. (Yeah, as if being friends with this guy and seeing him regularly when I hang out with my GF's circle is on my wish list.) I get it's not on your wish list but it's none of your business either so again, be civil. The first thought I had was this f-ing beotch is just trying to create drama. Apparently she's toxic in a lot of other areas of their social circle, so it comes as no surprise. Again assumption. Thinking the worse of people based on rumors. I don't know, maybe she's jealous, lonely, or envious of my GF and me being together. (They had been BFFs and single together for a long time before I started dating my GF.) But I am not okay whatsoever at regularly being around this guy in whatever capacity, whether dating the BFF or as a close part of the social circle. And my GF knows this and has told the BFF this. Assumption, she's jealous and lonely? where did you get that? the BFF is thrilled about her new bf, again your mind is creating all sort of drama based on nothing. Any thoughts on how I can approach this situation with the BFF? It doesn't sound like she's letting this go, which apart from being disrespectful of me and my GF, I can see a discussion coming at some point where she gets irrational and tries to pull some other BS. YOU need to let go. You need a good shot of emotional maturity, no one is disrespecting you it's all in your mind. You have trust and controlling issues, it's all over your thread. Concentrate on your GF and on building a solid relationship with her. What ever her BFF is doing isn't your concern, it's her life. If the BFF wants to go on double date just decline, there's no more to it. When you have group outings smile and be civil. Stop imagining things and stop imagining that everything people do is to get at you, or toward you, or to provoke you, that's all in your head.
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