ExposedBrick Posted October 16, 2017 Posted October 16, 2017 I went on a first date with a woman last week. I actually didn’t think the date went very since she seemed a bit standoffish(displayed closed bossy language the whole time) and didn’t seem to get excited about much during the course of the date. She also mentioned her ex in passing 3 times, my primary concern. First, we were talking about different parts of the city we had lived in and I asked her why she choose a neighborhood, she stated it was close to where her ex worked. Then, somehow we started talking about a local amusement park and she mentioned she had been there with her ex’s niece and nephew. There was another occasion but it was similar. I’m not sure if she was aware of what a faux pas it is to mention an ex on a first date. Anyway, to my surprise, she has been regularly texting me since the date ended. She is cute and the date was ok otherwise. However, the mentioning of the ex and lack of energy during the date makes me think this is a dud. Can I just be direct and ask if she is still hung up on the ex before committing to a second date? I’m not going to lie, physical attraction would be my primary motivator in seeing her again.
Art_Critic Posted October 16, 2017 Posted October 16, 2017 First date, mentions ex 3 times... yikes... does she have kids with him ? let this one go
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2017 Posted October 16, 2017 I don't think a direct Q about her EX would be well received. If you otherwise like her & want a 2nd date, set one up. If she mentions the EX again, point it out, right then & there. Say something like "are you aware of how much you talk about your EX?" Gage her reaction.
kendahke Posted October 16, 2017 Posted October 16, 2017 (this site arbitrarily closes editing comments) I wouldn't reach out to her again. Using her for sex is just as bad, if not worse, as her talking about her ex (and you sat there and didn't say anything the second time he was brought up, so clearly, your mindset was to not invest any further because if it was, you would have). 1
Author ExposedBrick Posted October 16, 2017 Author Posted October 16, 2017 I don't think a direct Q about her EX would be well received. If you otherwise like her & want a 2nd date, set one up. If she mentions the EX again, point it out, right then & there. Say something like "are you aware of how much you talk about your EX?" Gage her reaction. My gut feeling is to just walk away. However, after texting for a few days, I don’t know what to tell her. I mean ghosting sucks, but so does mentioning an ex several times.
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2017 Posted October 16, 2017 Then tell her you have been stewing about her references to her EX & can't get past it so you are letting things go 1
Author ExposedBrick Posted October 16, 2017 Author Posted October 16, 2017 (this site arbitrarily closes editing comments) I wouldn't reach out to her again. Using her for sex is just as bad, if not worse, as her talking about her ex (and you sat there and didn't say anything the second time he was brought up, so clearly, your mindset was to not invest any further because if it was, you would have). It would have been very difficult to stop someone on a first date and inquire. It’s a tough choice but I’m trying to trust my gut more these days.
Ieris Posted October 16, 2017 Posted October 16, 2017 Can I just be direct and ask if she is still hung up on the ex before committing to a second date? Sure, why not? Saves you both wasting anymore time if that is the case.
Gaeta Posted October 16, 2017 Posted October 16, 2017 (edited) Can I just be direct and ask if she is still hung up on the ex before committing to a second date? All you need to know is how long she's been single? If she's been single 3 years than she is probably just not aware of first date etiquette. If she's been single 3 months then don't bother with her. Edited October 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
olivetree Posted October 16, 2017 Posted October 16, 2017 I don't see the point in directly asking. If she says anything other than yes, she could just be denying it to you and maybe herself. You can do better. The ex talk plus the fact that she wasn't really good company should be enough to ask for no second date.
coolheadal Posted October 16, 2017 Posted October 16, 2017 Just maybe all she knows was the ex and that was the only time she had with the ex. So what she talked about the ex. She text you not the ex. See where it goes if she brings up the ex again. Then you say politely please I don't care to here about your ex we're on our second date do you mind not bring him into it. Thanks you. That's all you have to say about it. The ex is her past your in the present with her. She talks about the ex again you ask her do you see your ex regularly? If she said no, then you say why do you keep on bring him up? 1
smackie9 Posted October 16, 2017 Posted October 16, 2017 try a second date and see if she perks up a bit. I guess the key thing is to talk about future things or about her job or family. Steer away from talking about landmarks lol.
dumbass2 Posted October 16, 2017 Posted October 16, 2017 Go with your gut on this one. Text her and tell her or set up a second date and see how that goes. I would lean towards letting her know and not going out again. You never just flat out ask someone if they are still hung up on an ex. The casual getting to know someone conversations will tell you that.
LovelyRose Posted October 16, 2017 Posted October 16, 2017 I went on a first date with a woman last week. I actually didn’t think the date went very since she seemed a bit standoffish(displayed closed bossy language the whole time) and didn’t seem to get excited about much during the course of the date. She also mentioned her ex in passing 3 times, my primary concern. First, we were talking about different parts of the city we had lived in and I asked her why she choose a neighborhood, she stated it was close to where her ex worked. Then, somehow we started talking about a local amusement park and she mentioned she had been there with her ex’s niece and nephew. There was another occasion but it was similar. I’m not sure if she was aware of what a faux pas it is to mention an ex on a first date. Anyway, to my surprise, she has been regularly texting me since the date ended. She is cute and the date was ok otherwise. However, the mentioning of the ex and lack of energy during the date makes me think this is a dud. Can I just be direct and ask if she is still hung up on the ex before committing to a second date? I’m not going to lie, physical attraction would be my primary motivator in seeing her again. The way she behaved during the date may concern me or question her interest but the examples you gave us about how she mentioned the ex, come on now. You two were having conversation. You asked her why she chose the neighborhood, DUH! If that was the honest answer, she chose because it was close to her ex, then what's wrong with that? Unless she meant she chose it AFTER they had broken up. Second was the amusement park that she had gone to with the ex nephew and niece. Again,DUH! If that was the only time she had gone what can you do? I wish you remembered the third instance which I can almost guarantee is also similar logic. She was totally being honest to your questions and sharing her experiences. My bf was married and been with one woman almost his entire adult life. When we first started talking pretty much all the stories he was sharing with me was I did this with my ex, etc. etc. It was a bit awkward but I was understanding. He was already divorced for about 3 years and assured me he was completely over her. I only had a problem when he started sharing funny stories about HER. Then i told him i don't really need to hear stories about his ex wife because I'm not trying to date her and get to know her. Only him. If the story with the ex also includes him, then why not. If that was his only experience. But you know what, he was just honestly clueless. So after I said it, he stopped mentioning her completely. The rare times that he had to mention her to explain the topic we are discussing, he would say excuse me first and apologize, lol. So just be open and direct with this woman. But don't go crazy and insecure. If she is initiating texts then it's a good sign, no? The first date she may be just nervous and people handle nervousness differently than the others. If you already demoted her to just potential FWB or booty call, you must make this clear to her. If you are still considering dating her I feel like it's ok. Just be honest with her that you noticed the ex bf being mentioned multiple times. I think if you ask the right way, it's ok to ask her directly if she is over him and how long has it been since they broke up. Don't judge too quickly. You were asking all these questions that made her mention the EX. 1
LovelyRose Posted October 16, 2017 Posted October 16, 2017 Go with your gut on this one. Text her and tell her or set up a second date and see how that goes. I would lean towards letting her know and not going out again. You never just flat out ask someone if they are still hung up on an ex. The casual getting to know someone conversations will tell you that. I am different. You can ask politely if they are over the ex without sounding crazy. Of course they can lie to your face all day long, but that's why you have to combine listening with what they say and observing their actions. With the short story that the OP shared, it's not enough info to say she is hung up on the ex still. Maybe they were together for a really long time or she doesn't have much experience in that said city. 1
LovelyRose Posted October 16, 2017 Posted October 16, 2017 try a second date and see if she perks up a bit. I guess the key thing is to talk about future things or about her job or family. Steer away from talking about landmarks lol. Thank you!!!!!!!!
kendahke Posted October 16, 2017 Posted October 16, 2017 It would have been very difficult to stop someone on a first date and inquire. It’s a tough choice but I’m trying to trust my gut more these days. No, it's not. I could see someone thinking that it was if they were so hard up for a relationship that they sank their own best interests in the process. I once had a first date with a guy who went on and on about how he was wronged by every single chick he'd ever dated. And I mean details that I didn't want to know. He had the whole victim mentality down pat. When he got to the third one, I checked him. I told him I didn't want to hear about his failed relationships and that it wasn't conducive to me wanting to know him better. Guess what? That was the first and last date with him. It so turned me off and I didn't want to bother any further with him.
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