curly Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 I've tried letting go of my MM so many times before. We've talked endlessly about how to let go of each other. He wishes that he could somehow be with me but not lose the rest of his life. He knows that he doesn't want to change his life. He enjoys his position in the community, in his children's lives, etc. He says that it's not about the W, if he could move her out and move me in, he would do it. Of course, this is impossible and illogical thinking and he knows it. I know he loves me but is just not able to make the change to his life. He's a man.... they don't change. So, I've come to some conclusions for myself. For a while, I thought I could spend some time just as an affair, without any expectations. I have a BF also. But I can't seem to seperate my feelings. I want the MM for myself. I don't want to share him. So, I have to walk away. If you've followed my story, you probably thought I was no longer speaking to him, but the A just continues. We can't seem to remove ourselves from each other. But my self-respect is going down the drain. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I feel bad all the time now. We spent this past weekend together and I felt good to be with him and not have any time limit or obligations pulling at either one of us, but the obligations were there. We both had to make phone calls to account for our time to our SO's. I just kept feeling an unbearable sadness. I don't understand how we can love each other so much but he won't ultimately be with me. Many conclusions to be drawn by that. And we've talked endlessly about it. I've ranted and raged that he can't love me that much. He denies this and says he loves me more than anything or anyone before. I can't understand it. I think that if a man loves you, he will move mountains. I realize that he can't because he is committed elsewhere. It hurts all the time now. So, I must end this. But how? It's only been a day and a half since I spoke to him. No NC was established but I was very drunk ranting on the phone and told him to never call me again. Here's the rub... He's away for 2 days with W b/c it's her b-day today. The ironic thing is that I was away last weekend w/ my BF for his b-day and MM knew it. Hence his request that we go away for the weekend. So, I'm not sure if MM will call anymore or not. I just sit and wonder every time the phone rings. Being with him is torture and being without him is torture. Every time I think I've turned a corner and believe I can do this, I start to miss him so much. Please no bashing or just get out now advice. It doesn't help. If you can offer real advice about how to get through the day, I welcome it. Or some support. I'm very low right now and need to feel that I'm not alone. I have friends and family that are aware of the situation for support. They just can't hear about this 24/7. They get so frustrated.
Merin Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Honestly IMO if this Guy loved anyone, really loved them he wouldn't continue to hurt everyone involved. The only person getting everything is him. You nor his Wife really "has him" he isn't capable of giving himself 100% to you nor to her because he is being selfish in tying the both of you up. Regardless of what he tells you regarding his Wife, there are 3 sides to every story.. his, hers and whats actually happening. You, yourself have an opportunity to leave your BF if you do not love him the way we all deserve to be loved... You haven't said that you share children with your BF nor are you married to him and just as it isn't fair to you nor to your MM's Wife for him (MM) to hold you there, it isn't fair for you to hold your BF with you if he isn't whom you want. Unless or Until MM does something other than what he has been doing, then IMO his words are empty. Will MM call you again.. my guess is yes he will, because you've allowed him to have it all at your expense. YOU also deserve to be loved by someone who has your back all of the time and gives you 100% of thier heart and energy. Good Luck
Owl Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Start working HARD to invest the energy and attention that went into your relationship with MM into something else. Hobbies, going to the gym, get a pet...I know that sounds corny, but it really DOES help to change your focus. Change other aspects of your life too. Start working on making yourself a new and better person. Go back to school, change your job if you can, re-decorate your home. Again, it's all about making things new and changing your focus from him to other things. Another possibility, and I don't mean this as a bash...tell your BF what's been going on. If you really want to end it with MM and make things better in your relationship with your BF (if that's possible now), then telling him will end the secret life you've been living. It will give the two of you a chance to have an HONEST relationship now. Again, this isn't a bash...it's not judging you, nor wanting you to be judged. It's simply a recommendation on one way that you can get past the situation you're in now. Regardless, good luck to you.
Author curly Posted August 16, 2005 Author Posted August 16, 2005 Thanks for the replies - it really helps to know that others are out there. To clarify - I'm just as wacko as my MM - my BF is my ex-husband. xH & I have been trying for many years to reconcile but I just can't seem to make the committment. However, every time I break it off with him, he'll call or I'll call and we'll try the merry-go-round again. It never seems to change anything especially in my committment to him, but I get so scared of being alone. We don't have any children. I am in IC and I realize that I'm having just as hard a time letting go of xH that MM is having letting go of his W. Consequently, I sympathize with MM a lot. But I know that I can leave the xH if MM was willing to give our relationship a real try. Owl - you're not bashing but I'm not sure I have the guts to tell xH and risk losing the safety net. Yes, I'm just as weak as MM.
Merin Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by curly Owl - you're not bashing but I'm not sure I have the guts to tell xH and risk losing the safety net. Yes, I'm just as weak as MM. I don't want to bash you Curly... The word weak doesn't however come to mind here.. the word selfish does. Sorry...
Owl Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Curly- Just remember this...your relationship with your XH/BF will NEVER be what it can be if you're cheating on him and hiding this information from him. If you do have a hope of ever building that relationship up to what it could be, it's going to have to be done on a foundation of trust and honesty. And that can't happen with the way things are right now. And...as long as MM is out there and there is ANY glimmer of hope that you'll be able to re-establish things with him, you'll always be holding that part of yourself back from re-building your relationship with XH/BF. I had the same conversation with my wife about a year ago when we were trying to recover from her EA with someone...she wanted to maintain that 'friendship' with him. She refused to believe that it was true, but once NC was finally in place for a few months, she began to recognize that it really was the case. And now she KNOWS the truth...if she hadn't finally followed through and ended all contact, our marriage would never have had a chance at recovery. We're doing a LOT better now. I realize your worried about what XH/BF may do when he finds out...but in truth, part of the choice to continue the relationship after what's been ongoing lies with him too. Again, not blasting you friend...just hoping that you can see why I'm suggesting this course for you.
Guest Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 Quote: "He says that it's not about the W, if he could move her out and move me in, he would do it. Of course, this is impossible and illogical thinking and he knows it." Curly this reply comes from the wife of a MM who had an affair AND fathered a child as a result...yes he tells you that if he could he would move the wife out but that it is "impossible and illogical" as you state....the fact of the matter is that all it is.....is UNTRUE! As the W of a MM I can tell you honestly that my H denied the facts of his affair even with the proof in my hand! While I had proof he had declared his love to her, he stood right in my face and told me he did not love her...said instead that he mistook lust for "love"... Now, needless to say after I kicked him out he came back humbly to piece things together...because we were a "family" and the love he has for me is an "endless love" based on not just lust, but friendship, trials, tribulations, and the whole shebang.... I am only replying because I often wondered why the OW bothers with a MM...statistics show that even if (and they usually don't) but even if the MM leaves his W for the OW there is like a 2% success rate or something really low like that. Also, the chances are good that if you were to marry the MM that YOU...CURLY...would someday become the OW! In other words, he'll do what he did to his first (or second, or third, etc.) wife to YOU! I've known so many MM (brothers, uncles, MY HUSBAND, etc.) have affairs w/OW and yet DIE married to their wife....Refer to the facts...take refuge in others who have been there and done that...Go forward and make the life that Curly deserves with a man who is free to share it with you...
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